4. Heavy Meddle

Heavy Meddle

Once again we see sweet little Laney in the living room reading her book. Until she saw her brother Lincoln come in with gum stuck in his hair, and heard him talking like a weatherman.

[A news broadcast weather board appears next to him with his face in the sun]

LHN 6 LIVE

WEATHER REPORT: CLEAR SKIES

LINGERING BUTT-INS

KEEP UMBRELLA HANDY

Lincoln: The National Weather Service reports clear skies with only a 20% chance of meddling sisters. But we advise keeping your umbrella handy.

[Lily is playing with some of her toys and notices Lincoln coming in]

Lincoln: Shh... [steps on a squeaky toy and lifts his foot up with some squeaking aftershocks from said toy]

Lily: Shh...

Lincoln: Shh... [sneaks off]

Laney: Why are we shushing? [Lincoln jumped]

Lincoln: [nervously] Uh, Laney! What are you doing here?

Laney: I always read my book in the living room. And why do you have gum stuck in y-

[Lincoln covered her mouth before she could say anything else]

Lincoln: Shhh! [whispers] Please don't tell the others! I got bullied at school and I don't want anyone else to know! You know how my sisters can be when it to these kind of problems.

Laney: [whispers] Oh I do. One time they found out I was being bullied at my school, and tried to help me stand up to him. And their meddling was so critical it almost gave me whiplash!

Lincoln: [whispers] So you wont tell?

Laney: [whispers] Not a soul.

Lincoln: [whispers] Great! Now where can I find some peanut butter?

Laney: [whipsers] In the fridge.

Lincoln: [whispers] Thanks.

So Lincoln, went to the kitchen to get some peanut butter to remove the gum from his hair. But just then, he heard Luna humming as she entered the kitchen. He hid his gummed up hair in one of the crisper drawers.

Luna: Hey, bro.

Lincoln: Oh, hey, Luna. What's the haps?

Luna: [seeing Lincoln's position] Rad way to chill out, bro.

Lincoln: Right. Totally rad.

Luna: Hey, hook me up with some pudding.

Lincoln: [feels around for a pudding cup and touches a piece of broccoli] GROSS! [shakes the broccoli texture off his hand, finds a pudding cup and hands it to Luna]

Luna: Thanks. Stay cool. [leaves]

He continues to look for peanut butter until he finds the jar to be completely empty.

[frustrated] Ah! Why do people put empty jars back in the fridge?! [puts it back in despite what he just ranted about] I need a Plan B.

Lori: [still on the phone] Socks and sandals? Cut it out!

Lincoln: "Cut it out." That's it! [sneaks past Lori] Hey Laney, where do we keep the scissors?

Laney: Mom and Dad's room.

Lincoln sneaks into his parents' room and grabs a pair of scissors to cut the gum out with. But as he makes his way to the staircase, Luan came downstairs and he hides his gum on the wall.

Lincoln: Hey, Luan.

Luan: Hey, Lincoln. What do you think of this joke? "If I were you, I'd go for the baboon!"

Lincoln: [puzzled] I don't get it.

Luan: Oh. Well, that's just the punchline. I still gotta think of the setup. [walks away]

[Lincoln heads up the stairs and makes it to the door to his room, but his mother calls him]

Rita: [off-screen] Lincoln, honey! I need you to take out the trash!

Lincoln: Okay, Mom! Five minutes!

Rita: Not five minutes! Now!

Lincoln: I will! Just give me three minutes!

Lynn Sr.: Lincoln, listen to your mother!

So Lincoln went to take out the trash. But he manages bump into Leni and hides the gum with a trash can lid.

Leni: Hey, Lincoln. Is my desk lamp in there? I can't find it anywhere.

Lincoln: Nope. Have you tried looking on your desk?

Leni: So smart! [sees the lid on Lincoln's head] What's up with that hat?

Lincoln: Oh, this? [striking a few poses] These are all the rage right now. I'm surprised you didn't know.

Leni: [inspired] Hmm...

After that, Lincoln tries to sneak back into his room but Lisa catches him.

Lisa: Greetings, human. There's Liquidambar Styraciflua in your follicular area.

Lincoln: A what in my who now?

Lisa: You've got gum in your hair.

Lincoln: Oh, yes. I'm sure it's just-

Lisa: I assume that being of average intelligence, you didn't place it there yourself. Therefore, I can only deduce that someone has been picking on you.

Lincoln: [begging his genius sister] Lisa, please! You can't tell! I don't want everyone getting involved.

Lisa: Don't worry. I do not have enough room in my brain for this kind of tomfoolery. [walks away]

Lincoln: Phew. [enters his room]

Lincoln takes out the scissors and snips the gum out, but just as he's about to dispose of it, Lynn kicks the door open with every sister there.

Lynn: You're being picked on.

Laney: I didn't tell them Lincoln. I swear!

Lori: Wait! You knew about this?!

Lincoln: [irritated] Lisa, I thought you weren't going to say anything.

Lisa: No. What I said was I did not have room in my brain for your secret. Hence, I removed it and transferred it to Lynn, whose brain apparently has ample room.

Lynn: Thanks. [beat] Hey!

Luna: So, you are being picked on.

Leni: I bet it was the same jerk who bullied Laney!

Lincoln: [nervous] Of course not!

Luan: [points to the gum] Then what's that?

Lincoln: That's just my gum. [chews it trying to cover it up but obviously disgusted by it] Mmm...watermelon lime. AND HAIR!

[Lincoln coughs it out and the girls start demanding him to let them help him]

Laney: Please girls! Don't help Lincoln! You'll only make it worse!

Lori: If by worse you mean better, I agree.

Lola: [to Lincoln] You should go straight to the school principal!

Lori: Forget that. You should literally text an embarrassing picture of him to all his friends.

Luan: I'm gonna write an insult comedy routine that will leave him in tears!

Lynn: [flips at Lincoln] HOO-WAH! [kicks him] Basic stealth ninja kick. That's how you're gonna take him down.

Laney didn't what to about the absolute meddling of her sisters. She wanted to help Lincoln but she doesn't know how. Leaving her in a stuttering panic.

Laney: I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-... [smoke begins puffing out of her ears; her eyes started spining around]

SISTERNADO WARNING: CATEGORY 1 BUTTING IN

PRIMARY RISK: Making things worse for me

Damaging childhood

Bad advice

BREAKING NEWS: FIRST ALERT SEVERE SISTWISTER THREAT

Lincoln: Well, folks, the National Weather Service has just released a Category 1 Sisternado Watch. We advise boarding up your windows and preparing your emergency supplies.

[Lynn suddenly grabs him and has him in a hold]

Lynn: That's the camel clutch. Another good option for ya. [gets off him]

Lincoln: Look, I don't need any-

Luan: We'll start with some basic dumb jokes. Like, You're so dumb you locked yourself inside your car. That kind of thing.

Laney: [stammers gibberish]

Lola: Ooh I know! I'll invite him to a tea party and make him use the chipped cup!" [has a sinister smile with a sinister sting to accompany it] I'm so evil, sometimes I scare even me.

[Lincoln notices Lynn standing in a strange pose]

Lincoln: What are you doing?

Lynn: [pulls Lincoln's shirt over his face] SURPRISE MIME ATTACK! I invented that one myself.

Lincoln: [pulls his shirt back down] Lynn, I'm not going to fight. I-

Lynn: Ugh! Fine! I'll take care of this myself. [walks off]

Luna: You should do this! [slams a pair of cymbals right in Lincoln's ears] His ears'll be ringing for days!

Luan: Ugly jokes are always good, too. Like, "You're so ugly, you have to trick-or-treat over the phone!"

Lincoln: [his ears still ringing] WHAT?!

Laney: [continues to stammer gibberish]

[Lynn returns with a boy and is carrying him by the seat of his pants]

Lynn: Look! I found him!

[The girls surround him and are not very happy with him]

Lori: How dare you bully our brother! Only we get to do that.

Lana: [spits the gum right into Lincoln's hand] Smoosh your watermelon lime gum in his hair, Lincoln!" [sees Lincoln is too hesitant to do it] Fine. I'll do it.

Lincoln: Wait! Stop! This guy isn't my enemy! Although, thanks to you, he probably will be now.

[The boy growls at him for what he's been put through]

Lynn: Oh. [kicks the boy out] Why are you still here?

Lana: I can't believe I almost wasted perfectly good gum on him. [takes gum back and chews it]

Lynn: I'll go get another boy. [proceeds to do so]

Lincoln: No! Lynn, stop! IT'S NOT EVEN A BOY!

[Lynn suddenly stops surprised at that fact and the others are perplexed]

Leni: Is it a dog?

Lincoln: [sighs] It's a girl...

The girls are flabbergasted and gasp to hear the news, but then, all of them except Lisa and Laney start squealing with delight. All Laney did was faint.

Laney: Guuuuh...[passes out]

Lincoln: [perplexed] What?

[All the girls except Lisa give him a big group hug and suffocate him]

Lisa: Normally, I don't care for inane human emotions, but... [squeals just as delighted as they did and joins the hug]

Luna: Lincoln! Why didn't you tell us you had a girlfriend?

Lola: She sounds so pretty.

Lincoln: [suffocating] What is happening?

[They all release Lincoln from their hug]

Lori: When a girl picks on you, that only ever means one thing: she likes you~.

[The girls all squeal again and Lincoln is just dumbfounded at this explanation]

Lincoln: [Disbelieving] That's ridiculous! She shoved a sandwich down my pants! I was picking sesame seeds out of my butt for days!

[The girls swoon over such a flirty prank]

Leni: So romantic...

Lori: That's a classic.

Lincoln: You guys are nuts! She hates me! I'm gonna meet her today and give her a piece of my mind!

Lori: You need to give her a piece of your heart instead.

Lincoln: [scared] WHAT?!

Leni: I think he needs to kiss her.

[Lily makes kissy faces in agreement]

Lincoln: [petrified] WHAT?!

Sisters: KISS HER! KISS HER! KISS HER!

At that moment, as the girls continue chanting Lincoln to kiss his bully, they all start forming miniature tornadoes around them and merge together to create what Lincoln likes to call "The Sisternado!"

SISTERNADO RED ALERT

BREAKING NEWS

S.O.S./TAKE COVER/#AAAHH!

Lincoln: This just in from the National Weather Service! The Sisternado watch has been upgraded to a Sisternado warning. TAKE COVER IMMEDIATELY!

Sisternado: KISS HER! KISS HER! [traps Lincoln inside] KISS HER! KISS HER!

Lincoln escapes and heads to the bathroom, but stopped for a moment to find out he has forgotten Laney. Who was still lying on the floor, babbling nonsense.

Lincoln: Laney!

Laney: [blabbering]

Lincoln grabs her and heads into the bathroom, there he tries to wake her up.

Lincoln: [shakes Laney] Laney! Laney, snap out of it.

Laney: I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I...

Lincoln: Oh no! [picks up his radio] MAYDAY! MAYDAY! Clyde, do you copy?

Clyde: Roger. I mean, this is Clyde, not Roger. But yeah. Roger, it's Clyde.

Lincoln: [panicking] My sisters have lost their minds! They think the bully likes me! They want me to kiss her!

Clyde: I don't know. Maybe they're right, Lincoln.

Lincoln: My sisters are never right! All they do is meddle.

Clyde: They're girls, Lincoln. They know more about these things than we do. It's a scientific fact.

Lincoln: Yeah, but there's no way that- [suddenly starts considering the possibility] Wow. Me? You really think she might like me? How would I know?

Clyde: There's only one way to find out.

So before Lincoln can confront the sisternado, he notices that Laney was still in her panicky state. He runs some water in the bathroom sink and splashes some on fer face, bringing her back to normal.

Laney: Huh? What? Oh no, how long was I out?

Lincoln: What was that back there? It's like you were malfunctioning like Clyde when he sees Lori.

Laney: Oh I'm so embarrased! I do that every time I get confused. I wanted to help back there, but I didn't knew what to do. And…. and I-I…

Lincoln: [puts his hand over her shoulder] Hey, It's alright. I know it can be hard to live in a big family. And there will be times where you don't have the solution to everything. But we'll always be there for you, because siblings always know the right thing to say. I hope... You might wanna stand back.

And so she did as Lincoln opened the door to the treacherous sisternado.

Sisternado: KISS HER! KISS HER! KISS HER!

Lincoln: Hold it!

[The Sisternado comes to a stop and the sisters turn back to normal]

Lincoln: So am I going to kiss this girl or what? [smirks]

[The girls sans Lisa squeal again]

Lisa: Again... [squeals again]

Laney: You really wanna go through with this?

Lincoln: Trust me, nobody knows girls like girls.

Laney: Well if you're sure. Okay.

3:30

Lincoln: It's 3:30. Lola, lip balm. [Lola applies it] Lana, breath mint. [Lana puts it in his mouth] Let's do this.

Lynn: Go get her, Romeo.

Lori: You so got this, little bro.

Lola: Aw, our little Lincoln.

Lana: All grown up.

[Lola hands Lana a tissue for her to blow her nose]

Leni: [wearing the trash lid on her head having believed Lincoln's lie] All the bridesmaids should wear these hats at Lincoln's wedding. These are all the rage right now.

And so Lincoln marches out the door to meet the girl of her dreams. All of his sisters were proud of him as as he came closer to his bully for a kiss.

Sisters: [sweetly] Aww...

But the sweet moment was cut short when the bully responded to this romantic gesture by punching Lincoln in the face.

Sisters: [concerned] Ooh!

[Lincoln steps back inside with a black eye and now incredibly furious at his sisters]

Luna: Sorry, buddy. Our bad.

Luan: Well, at least, you gave it a shot.

Lynn: I'll get some ice for that shiner.

Lisa: X-ray machine, stat.

Lori: I'm really sorry, Lincoln.

[The girls all try to apologize to Lincoln for their meddling, which he is through hearing]

Lincoln: [infuriated] QUIET! Every time you guys butt into my life, you make things worse! Well, guess what? Never again! NO MORE MEDDLING!

Lincoln walks to his room and slams the door in rage as his sisters stand there feeling guilty.

Lincoln: I knew it all along. I should never have listened to them. My sisters are always wrong.

Someone whistles from outside to get Lincoln's attention, he looks out his window on one end as a rock comes flying in through the other end and sees there's a note attached to it and reads it

Sorry, Lame-O. Here's my number. 555-0121 Text me.

Lincoln: Sorry, Lame-O. Here's my number. Text me? [confused; smiles and looks out the window and gets a steak thrown at his eye; notices it has a note too and reads it] "For your eye. XOXO, Ronnie Anne."

[smiles hopefully, places steak over his shiner and turns to the viewers] Okay, maybe just this one time my sisters were right. But don't tell them that!