128. Sand Hassles

Sand Hassles

[At Royal Woods Elementary, it's third-grade art class. Laney was creating a sculpture out of a bunch of rolls.]

Laney: Almost done... [Adds on one last roll to the top] There! Thanks for letting use all those toilet paper rolls, Lucy.

Lucy: Thank you for letting me use all this toilet paper. [Lucy and the Morticians Club were using the toilet paper to mummify Boris.] Okay, lift your arms, Boris. [He does so, Lucy gives Fangs the toilet paper and he wraps Boris like a mummy. The club applauds.] Now you're ready for the afterlife.

[Just then, Cheryl arrives.]

Cheryl: Hey y'all, just wanted to remind everyone about the annual third-grade field trip tomorrow, this year we're going to... [Throws a beach ball in Dante's expressionless face.] The beach at Lake St. Barron!

[The other students are excited, but Lucy and the Morticians Club are just the opposite.]

Lucy: The beach?

[Laney squealed in excitement]

Cheryl: [While the other students leave.] Don't forget to pack a lunch, and dress cool, it's gonna be hotter than my mamma's corn cream tomorrow.

Lucy: Emergency Morticians' Club meeting after school, we need to discuss this catastrophic news.

[The other morticians' agree and follow Lucy out. Boris, still covered in toilet paper, tries to hop after them, but falls over and starts slinking.]

[Back home, Laney rushed into her room and dove into her chest]

Laney: I can't wait to get to the beach! It's been forever since I tried out my summer line. [Come out wearing a polka dotted bikini] Hmm.. . not sure about this one... [Enter Lucy] Hey, Lucy! You exited for Lake St Barron?

Lucy: Laney, it a trip to a sunny beach where people do fun happy activities.

Laney: So you're thrilled?

Lucy: No!

Laney: What? How can you not love the beach?

Lucy: It has everything we morticians are against. We are not going!

Laney: Well, it's not like you can change the Principal's mind about it.

[Lucy smiled wickedly as she thought Laney was oblivious to her plan.]

[The next day at school, Lucy drops in on Principal Huggins and Cheryl from the ceiling.]

Lucy: Principal Huggins. [He and Cheryl scream, then see Lucy and the Morticians Club.] Why spend our third-grade field trip at the beach, when we could go someplace way more educational? Like- [Boris plays his keyboard.] The Royal Woods museum of medical oddities.

[Holds up a brochure.]

Persephone: You don't want to miss the three-headed goat.

[Principal Huggins and Cheryl are revolted by the photo of the goat, and Huggins runs to throw up.]

Laney: [Appears behind the club] We could go see the three headed goat. Or we could see the lakes most shimmering waves. So clear you can see your reflection. [To Principal Huggins] And you're incredibly gorgeous, and real, hair.

Principal Huggins: [Smiles as he sees his toupee] Laney has a point. We're going to the beach.

[Laney fist pumps]

Lucy: What do you think you're doing?

Laney: You may not like the beach, Lucy. But I do! And I'm not letting you ruin that because it has things you hate!

Lucy: And I'm not letting you take me to that sunny sand-dump.

Laney: We'll just see about that! [Lucy and Laney glare at each other for a moment] Unrelated question: do you think I would look good with a sunset swimsuit or a blue wave tank top? [Holds the two swimwear]

[Later, in the boys' room, Principal Huggins is washing his hands, when Morpheus appears in the mirror behind him, Huggins screams and falls over.]

Morpheus: Hello again, I was thinking, instead of digging in the hot sand at the beach, we could dig in the cold dirt, at the cemetery.

[His crow flicks the lights off, and Morpheus turns on a projector with an image of the cemetery. The crow caws in the Principal's face and Huggins screams. Laney appears from beside him startling him even more]

Laney: We could go to the cemetery, or we could playfully bury our bodies in the sand. Feel the warm sand on your torso. Feel it squishing between your toes...

Principal Huggins: That does sound nice. As long as you don't put me in a coffin. I'm claustrophobic...

[Morpheus glared in anger.]

[In the teacher's lounge.]

Cheryl: And can you believe it? She couldn't get it out of her nose.

[Laughs. She and Huggins sip their coffee when Haiku appears in the filing cabinet. Cheryl spits her coffee in the principal's face.]

Haiku: Another thought on field trips. Why go somewhere noisy and bright, when we could go someplace tranquil and dark? Like a morgue.

[Shows them a photo on her phone, Principal Huggins faints and Cheryl catches his wig. The rest of the morticians join.]

Cheryl: Sorry kiddos, we appreciate your very colorful suggestions, but the field trip has been finalized. And you have got to stop poppin' up like this, you're gonna give your poor principal a heart attack.

Morticians' Club: [Turn around] Sigh.

Cheryl: Oh, don't look so gloomy, the beach will be fun. Besides, a little vitamin D will do y'all some good.

Principal Huggins: [Wakes up] What happened? What happened? [Rubs his head and realizes something.] Where's my hair?

[At her locker, Lucy is speaking to the rest of the club.]

Lucy: "Okay, plan A failed. How else can we stop this nightmare? What keeps normies away from the beach?"

[The club thinks.]

Dante: Ooh, a swarm of hungry sharks?

[Bites Morpheus, who shoves Dante away and they start slap fighting.]

Boris: The lake has no sharks. What about a thunderstorm? [Plays storm sounds on his keyboard.]

Haiku: [Rubs her hands diabolically as the light darkens around her.] I could cast a spell on local meteorologist Patchy Drizzle and influence his predictions. [The lights go back to normal.] But, I would need his big toenail.

Lucy: [Thinks] Hmm, maybe there's an easier way.

[On the day of the trip, Principal Huggins hums into his office when he sees the window.]

Principal Huggins: What?! [Outside the window it looks to be a thunderstorm. Outside the window, the Morticians Club is using a hose, some flashlights, a metal sheet, and Boris' keyboard to make it look so. Principal Huggins calls Cheryl.] Cheryl! Are you seeing this storm!? We can't go to the beach now.

[Cheryl is outside and sees no rain.]

Cheryl: Sugar, you sound crazier than a cat on a canoe.

Lucy: [Looking into Huggins' office.] It's working.

[Laney sees the Morticians using the hose by the office. She then turned the hose off. Principal Huggins takes another look outside and sees that it's sunny out.]

Principal Huggins: Nevermind Cheryl, must have been a surprise shower.

[Lucy looks into the hose to see what's the problem. Then, Laney turned the hose back on and water was sprayed all over her.]

Lucy: Agh! [Laney laughs and turns the hose off]

[Outside, Cheryl is getting the students on the bus.]

Cheryl: All aboard! Next stop, Lake St. Barron Beach!

[The students cheer, and start singing as they get on the bus.]

Students: We'll dig in the sand and swim to the shore, we're going to the beach. We're going to the beach!

Laney: [Was wearing a scarlet swimsuit with a gown around it] Oh yeah. The Scarlet Water-Witch swimsuit was definitely the right one! [Gets inside the bus]

[The Morticians Club is waiting outside the bus. Lucy approaches them with a box.]

Lucy: Don't despair, I still have one more idea for how we can stop this

Principal Huggins: [Ushers them onto the bus.] Alright spookies, let's go.

[On the bus, the other kids are chatting, and Lucy goes to the back.]

Lucy: [Whispers to the box] Ready guys, just like we practiced.

[Lucy opens the box and unleashed a swarm of bats that scares all the other kids and the bus driver, who flees. Huggins is scared too until a bat steals his toupee.]

Principal Huggins: Ah! Come back with my hair. [Chases Fangs out the bus.]

Laney: Principal Huggins! Wait! Dang it! I forgot to count for Fangs!

Lucy: [Pretends to be upset.] Guess there's no one to drive us to the beach now. Sigh. Field trip cancelled.

[Everyone else frowned. Suddenly the horn is honked.]

Cheryl: Don't you worry about them scaredy cats, this gal will get you there. I used to drive an eighteen-wheeler.

Laney: [fist pumped] Yes!

[Fangs returns to the bus right before the doors close.]

Principal Huggins: [Starts banging on the bus door.] Get back here, you flying rat! [The bus leaves without him and he chases after it.] Cheryl!

Lucy: Dang Cheryl and her can-do attitude.

[They arrive at the beach, the other kids excitedly hurry off the bus.]

Laney: Come on, Lucy!

Lucy: And the nightmare begins.

[The Morticians Club steps on the beach, huddled under Persephone's umbrella, Dante quickly sets up a tent and they all run inside, away from the light. Some kids run past.]

Haiku: Ugh! Their cheerfulness pains my ears. [They all shudder together when a pelican pokes its head inside and invites Fangs to play. Fangs flies out of the tent, and Lucy groans.] I better go get him.

Dante: Wait! [Gives Lucy the umbrella.] Here, take this for safety.

[Lucy takes the umbrella and steps into the sun.]

Lucy: Fangs? Fangs?

Girl #1: Watch out!

[Lucy yelps, drops the umbrella and swats away a volleyball. It lands on the other side of the net before Amir can get it, the other kids cheer.]

Boy #1: Wow, nice shot Lucy. Who knew you were so good at volleyball?

Girl #2: Do you wanna play with us?

Lucy: Well, that did feel surprisingly cathartic. [Sees Fangs playing frisbee with the pelican.] Sorry, I can't. [Grabs the umbrella] Come on Fangs, let's go. [Fangs dreadfully obeys.] No more sneaking off like that, we shouldn't be out there, we belong in the darkness.

[They return to the tent. The other Morticians are hanging upside down, and are blinded by the sunlight.]

Morpheus: [In unison] You're safe?

Haiku: [In unison] Are you okay?

Persephone: [In unison] How was it out there?

Lucy: So awful, it was bright and sunny, and people were flinging around some kind of sports ball.

[The club offers their condolences.]

Haiku Don't worry, you're safe here. [Offers her some eyeball shaped lollipops.] Eyeball? It has a chocolate retina center.

[Lucy takes one and hears Fangs squealing.]

Lucy: Seriously, Fangs? [Fangs looks at Lucy and slips into the sunlight again.] What did I just tell you about sneaking off? I'll be right back. [Lucy grabs the umbrella and returns to the sunlight. She looks around.] Gasp.

[Fangs and the pelican are wearing sunglasses and playing volleyball. Lucy runs to them, almost losing the umbrella.]

Laney: Well, look who finally decided to come out of the shadows.

Lucy: Don't get any ideas. I'm just here for Fangs. [Continues to find Fangs and leaves but then accidentally steps on Laney's sandcastle]

Laney: MY SANDCASTLE! I worked on that for an hour!

Lucy: Oops. Sorry. I'll help rebuild it.

Laney: You? What do you know about building sandcastles?

Lucy: I dig a lot of graves, so I'm pretty handy with a shovel.

Laney: Are you also handy with a pallet knife?

[Later, Lucy and Laney has finished an amazing castle.]

Laney: Wow, Lucy. This looks amazing!

Lucy: Thanks. It was kinda fun making this.

Laney: So, you wanna make a sand condominium with me?

Lucy: Sorry, I, uh, I can't. Fangs, get your furry butt over here. [Fangs comes out of a castle window into the moat, and swims to Lucy.] I know you're having fun, but I told you before, we don't belong on the beach. [They return to the tent, where the club gives Lucy more condolences.] Thanks guys, I'm just gonna soothe myself with some music and try to forget about it. [Lucy sits down and puts her music in.] Sigh. [Just then, a beam of sunlight falls on Lucy, she looks and sees the other students having fun, she and Fangs wink at each other and he flies out. Nonchalantly.] Gasp, bad Fangs, not again, guess I have to go back out there.

Haiku: Awe, [takes the umbrella] I'll help you, bats tend to like my blood.

Lucy: No! I mean, save your blood, I've got this. [Lucy walks out, without the umbrella, and runs off.]

Laney: Lucy? What are you doing back?

Lucy: Uh... Just here to find Fangs... [Sees the club wasn't looking] But maybe I can stay for limbo. [Laney smiled; For the rest of the time, Lucy played with Laney and the others at the beach. She joins Amir and Sasha who are racing crabs. She gets close to the one trailing behind.] You can do it, go, go.

[Next, Cheryl and some kids are limboing, with Fangs and the pelican holding the bar.]

Cheryl: Oowie! How low can you go, Y'all! [Lucy comes up, Fangs and the pelican lower the bar, and Lucy bends backwards by her knees, arms crossed over her chest, and goes under.] Nice moves Luce, we have a winner!

[Tosses a pink lei over Lucy, she blushes. Back at the tent, Haiku peers outside.]

Haiku: Lucy's been out there a while, I'm beginning to worry.

Persephone: We should go check on her.

[Boris drops down with two eyeballs over his own.]

Boris: She could have melted, I'll bring a bucket just in case.

[They leave the tent, under Persephone's umbrella. On the waves, Laney and Lucy were surfing. Lucy was enjoying herself the most. She was even wearing a regular swimsuit]

Haiku: Lucy?

[Lucy gasps when she sees her friends, they gasp when they see her. Lucy starts to lose her balance and ends up washed up to feet of her upset friends.]

Lucy: Groan.

Haiku: What's going on? Is this what you've been doing all day? Surfing?

Lucy: Uh, no! I was just... [Laney appears beside her]

Laney: Whoo! That was even more fun then playing limbo! And that crab race... [Lucy signals her to stop] And you were a champ at volleyball! Wanna play another round? [Lucy smacks her forehead]

Dante: Ah! Are you like, a normie now?

[Boris plays tense organ music on his keyboard.]

Haiku: Come on guys, let's go.

[They return to the tent.]

Lucy: [Runs after them] Wait! Stop! You don't understand! [Suddenly she trips, and get two clam shells and seaweed on her face.]

Laney: This a bad time?

Lucy: Sigh. [Her friends go back into the tent, Lucy speaks to them from outside.] I'm sorry for lying, but I was worried if you found out I was actually having fun, you'd be upset.

Haiku: [Peeks out] Well, we are upset, I mean... What kind of goth are you? [Points at Lucy's outfit.] You're wearing dolphin print.

Lucy: First off, I borrowed this from Cheryl. Secondly, I'm the same goth I've been since birth, but today, I realize that just because you're goth doesn't mean you can't enjoy the beach. And I think if all of you gave it a chance, you might like it too.

[Lucy lets sunlight into the tent, her friends find it scalding at first, but then...]

Dante: Hey, this isn't so bad.

Boris: Hmm, as a small child, I'd dip my toe in the dead sea, it was rather refreshing.

[Later, the whole club is enjoying the beach. Morpheus and Dante are making angels in the sand, in front of their sand tombstones. Boris is a seaweed mummy, playfully chasing the other students. Persephone is playing dead on a surfboard while some classmates carry her to the water. Lucy and Haiku are buried in the sand together by Laney.]

Laney: I told we'd have fun out here. [Fangs and the pelican bring them drinks.]

Lucy: [Drinks] Gasp, is this blood orange iced tea? [Fangs nods] Thanks guys.

Haiku: [Drinks] You were right, Lucy, the beach is fun. I wonder if any other normie things are, like stickers, or the mall.

Third Grader: Watch out!

[Lucy hits the ball and it goes over the net again.]

Haiku: Wow, you are really good.

[Just then, Principal Huggins runs behind them, still chasing the bat with his toupee.]

Principal Huggins: Give that back, it's real horsehair!

[Continues chasing. The girls laughed]