118. The Write Stuff

The Write Stuff

[The episode begins outside Royal Woods Elementary. Rita is in Vanzilla reading her book with a cup of coffee in her hand.]

Rita: [reading a page out loud] 'And as the footsteps grew louder, [sips her coffee] he pulled back the curtain, with a shaking hand and saw-'

Lucy: [Appears on the passenger seat] Hi, Mom.

Rita: [Startled] Gahh! I mean, hi, sweeties. How was writing club?

Lucy: Sigh. We're thinking of dropping out.

Rita: Dropping out? But you two were so excited to join.

Laney: That was before we found out that old killjoy Hugins was teaching!

[Flashback to when Principal Huggins was in charge of the writing club.]

Principal Huggins: To apostrophize, or not to apostrophize, that is the question, and a complex one at that. [Amir thunks his head on the desk. Flashback #2.] Today, I've got a fun writing assignment for you. [The students smile] About the dangers of misusing the semicolon. [Amir thunks his head on the desk again. Flashback #3.] Now, pay close attention, make sure you're holding the pencil at the proper angle. [Notices something and shakes his head.] No, no, Amir, you're at least three degrees off.

Lucy: When do we get to actually write?

Principal Huggins: Fundamentals before fun, young lady. Now, let's see your erasing technique.

Lucy: Sigh.

[Everyone thunks their heads down on the desks. End of flashbacks.]

Lucy: Writing used to be my passion. Now I don't even enjoy pending a simple eulogy.

Rita: [She stops Vanzilla and the tires screech.] What is Principal Huggins thinking? Writing isn't about rules, it's about being creative! Getting inspired! Taking risks! Expressing your feelings and ideas!

Laney: Yes! Exactly what I was thinking. I've always dreamed of being a writer like you mom!

Rita: I thought your dream was to become a figure skater.

Laney: Yes and that was great for last year. This year: being a writer!

Rita: Well, I'm going to that school and talk to your principal.

[The light turns green and the car behind Vanzilla honks.]

Lucy: Mom, the light's green.

Rita: Yes. I see that. [Turns Vanzilla around]

[At school, Rita is in the office, standing next to Cheryl's desk.]

Cheryl: I'm sorry, Mrs. Loud, but Principal Huggins is getting his performance review right now. [Whispers] And between you and me and the flagpole, it is not going well.

[A lady steps out of Huggins' office.]

Principal Huggins: Superintendent Chen, wait. I haven't showed you my new color-coded demerit system.

Superintendent Chen: I've seen all I need to see, Huggins. I'm giving you a rating of... [Principal Huggins looks at Cheryl. Cheryl looks forward and Rita looks at Cheryl, and then Cheryl looks at Huggins, and Principal Huggins looks at Superintendent Chen.] ...mediocre. [Rita, Cheryl, and Principal Huggins gasp.] Now, excuse me. I got other principals to destroy. [She leaves]

Principal Huggins: [groans] There's no pleasing that woman.

Cheryl: [clears throat] Principal Huggins, Mrs. Loud is here with some suggestions for the writin' club. She's a genuine author.

Rita: I just had a few ideas to get the kids more excited about writing.

Principal Huggins: Oh, so now my work with the writing club is mediocre, too. Well, if you're such an expert, maybe you should try running it yourself.

Rita: I would love to!

Principal Huggins: Oh, I was being sarcastic. But then again, it would free up time for me to find ways to improve my rating.

Rita: [gasps] Thank you, Principal Huggins. I won't let you down. [leaves]

Principal Huggins: Maybe I could institute a school wide "no slouching" policy.

[Cheryl gets shocked after hearing this.]

ONE WEEK LATER...

[Cheryl opens the door of the writing club for Rita.]

Cheryl: And here's where you can set up for this week's meetin'. Just give me a jingle if you need anything. I'm helping Principal Huggins conduct surprise posture checks.

Principal Huggins: [Seen chasing Artie down the hallway.] Dombrowski, shoulders back!

Cheryl: Mm-hmm. [Leaves the classroom and shuts the door.]

[Rita walks over to the desk and places her stuff on the desk. Rita sees and picks up a note from Principal Huggins.]

Principal Huggins: 'Everything you need to lead the club is in here. STICK TO THE BOOK!'

Rita: "Were the all caps necessary?" [Grabs the book] "Let's see. "Common adverb errors. Noun versus pronouns." [Closes the book] "Snooze." [Opens a desk drawer, puts the book in it, and then shuts it. Just then, the door opens.]

Amir: Mrs. Loud?

Sasha: Lucy's mom?

Laney: Mom?

Lucy: What are you doing here?

Rita: I'm taking over the writing club for a while. Does everyone have their textbooks? [The students open their backpacks and show Rita their textbooks.] Great. Well, you can put them away, because we're going on a field trip!

[The students put their textbooks back in their backpacks.]

Sasha: We've never gone on a field trip.

Rita: Well, I was thinking we can venture out to find some poetic inspiration. [Leaves the classroom. The students do the same thing.]

[Later, Vanzilla arrives at Flip's Food and Fuel.]

Haiku: Flip's? What's poetic about a convenience store?

Rita: You might be surprised. Now, I want you to take note of everything you see, smell, taste, touch, and hear. [Gets out four notebooks. The students grab a notebook from Rita.]

Lucy: Does it matter how we hold our pencils?

Rita: Not one bit.

[Inside Flip's, Amir opens one of the car air fresheners and gives it a whiff. He tosses it away and starts writing in his notebook.]

Amir: Summer rain, spring daffodil... [sniffs again] Pickled eggs? [Sees Flip licking an egg, notices Amir, and grins sheepishly.]

[Over at the Flippee machine...]

Haiku: Hmm... [starts writing] The way the sour cherry swirls into the black licorice reminds me of a sunset over the cemetery.

[Hot dogs are seen cooking as the heat is sizzling, the popcorn is popping in the popcorn machine, and the nacho cheese is popping in the nacho cheese machine.]

Lucy: [Begins writing] I've heard these sounds before. But I've never really listened. [Stops writing and smiles]

[Laney takes a bite out of a hot dog and spits it out]

Laney: [disgusted] Ugh! How long have these hot dogs been there!

Flip: Depends. When did I open this place? [Laney gags]

[Later outside Flip's, The club is seen sitting at a table.]

Amir: Flip. His past may be murky. His tooth may be jerky. But I think he's just quirky. Flip.

[The girls snap their fingers.]

Rita: Nice job, Amir.

[Amir walks over to sit down.]

Laney: My poem views Flip in a rather different light. [statrs reading] Flip. What a jerk. In his line of work. His hot dogs taste like murk. Getting away with crime is his perk. Flip.

Rita: Uh, that's rather offensive isn't it?

Laney: I really don't like that guy. Besides you taste how expired his food is and then come back to me about offensive.

Haiku: Hey, does anyone have a rhyme for "Flippee"?

Lucy: Hippy. Drippy. Mississippi.

Haiku: [Writes in her notepad.] Love.

Sasha: To the new and improved writing club. [Holds up her Flippee]

Lucy, Laney, Haiku, and Amir: To the new and improved writing club. [hold up their Flippees]

[At the Petting Zoo, The writing club is watching animals, and holding their notepads.]

Rita: Everyone, pick an animal, then try writing a story through its eyes.

[A screaming goat that has hair like Lucy's bleats.]

Lucy: Yes, I sense our connection too. [Starts writing]

[Laney is seen petting a sheep]

Laney: Aw, aren't you an adorable little sheep? You're wool is so soft. [The sheep then bites Laney's hand] OW! Uh... feisty too. [Starts writing with her good hand]

[At Sunset Canyon, the writing club is with Scoots.]

Scoots: Oh, why the heck would you want to hear my story?

Rita: Every life can inspire art, Scoots.

Scoots: Humph. Sounds a little cray, but fine. I was born in a stolen ice cream truck. Mother was jonesin' for some rocky road and wasn't taking no for an answer.

[The club starts writing.]

Laney: I never knew Scoots had such a colorful past.

[Later, Vanzilla arrives back at the school.]

Rita: Before you guys go home, I just want to say how proud I am of the brilliant work you've been doing. You deserve a chance to show it off. So next week's field trip is an extra special one: Open mic Thursday at the Burnt Bean!

[The club gasps.]

Lucy: Gasp.

Haiku: That coffee house in the cool part of Fern Valley?

Rita: That's right.

Haiku: College students hang out there.

Laney: My dream of getting my writing out there is about to come true.

Rita: Now, get out of here you creative geniuses.

[Sasha, Amir, and Haiku leave Vanzilla.]

Sasha: All right!

Haiku: This is gonna be great.

Amir: Maybe I could borrow my big brother's fedora.

Lucy: Thanks, Mom. [She and Laney hug Rita] For everything.

ONE WEEK LATER…

Rita: Today's the day. How's everyone feeling? Nervous? Excited? Little bit of both?

Sasha: So psyched!

Haiku: Nervous, but zen about it.

Lucy: I'm bursting with excitement.

Laney: [wearing a beatnik outfit like her mother] And I can't wait to show off my new beatnik rags. How do I look?

Rita: Slammin' Lanes!

Amir: Is the fedora too much? Am I pulling it off?

Principal Huggins: [offscreen] Oh, I don't think you'll be pulling any of this off.

[They turn to see Huggins at the door.]

Lucy, Sasha, Haiku, and Amir: Principal Huggins!

Laney: The killjoy has returned...

Rita: [Nervous] What a nice surprise.

Principal Huggins: Spare me your pleasantries, Mrs. Loud, I know all about the little field trips you've been taking behind my back.

Rita: Oh, well, I just wanted to show the kids that writing can be fun.

Principal Huggins: No, no, fundamentals before fun! It's all in the book I gave you, which seems to have gone missing.

Rita: I'm sorry. [Gets the book from the drawer.] I just found the material a bit dry.

Principal Huggins: I don't believe I asked you for your review. From now on, you will follow said material and keep students in the classroom.

Rita: But Principal Huggins, the kids are so excited about the open mic. Can't I at least take them to that?

Principal Huggins: Not if you wish to remain in charge of the writing club.

Rita: But, but-.

Laney: Now, just wait a ding dang minute Huggins! You have no right to tell what my mom what she can or can't teach in this club! Unlike you, she has done a terrific job inspiring these students to write great stories. While you never let us write one word!

Principal Huggins: [offended] Oh, so now you're gviing me sass Laney? Do I have to also remove you from this class?

Laney: If it means no longer listening to you then I say- [Rita stops her]

Rita: Laney! Honey! It's fine.

Principal Huggins: May I recommend starting on page 40? There's a neat little lesson about plural possessives. [Goes to sit down on a chair.]

[Goes to sit down on a chair.]

[The kids look upset. Rita also looks upset. Later on...]

Rita: [Reads the book with very little enthusiasm.] Unless the surname ends in an E-S. [Yawns] In which case, the proceeding rule does not apply. [The students thunk their heads down on the desks once again.] You see, Principal Huggins? This is exactly what I… [Realizes Principal Huggins is asleep. She looks out the window and sees Vanzilla, which gives her an idea. She writes a note and folds it into a paper airplane that hits Lucy's head. Lucy puts her head up and sees the note.]

Lucy: "Let's get outta here!"

[Rita gives a signal at Lucy and Lucy cracks a smile. Rita gets the students out the window to escape the classroom. She then looks over to Principal Huggins.]

Principal Huggins: [Snores] Mediocre... [Continues snoring. Rita climbs out the window and gets in Vanzilla with the students and off they go for the Burnt Bean.]

Coffee Store Manager: Okay, okay, everybody. Let's give it up for Bud Grouse and his poem "My yard, My property." Okay, last call for any more performers in the house.

Rita: [Opens the door] Yes! There's a whole van load of talented young writers right here.

Coffee Store Manager: Oh, okay, cool. Alright then, come on up!

Rita: This is it, guys, have fun.

Sasha: Whoo hoo!

Amir: I'm so glad I have my hat.

[Suddenly, Principal Huggins' golf cart honks.]

Lucy: What's that?

[The club looks out the windows to see Principal Huggins has arrived and is not happy.]

Amir: It's Principal Huggins! He found us!

[Principal Huggins looks at the windows.]

Rita: Don't worry. I'll take care of him. Just get up there and perform.

Laney: Me first!

[Rita looks out the window. As Principal Huggins gets out of his golf cart, a security guy appears.]

Mustache Guy: Sorry sir, this is a no golf cart zone.

Principal Huggins: No golf cart zone? I've never heard of anything like that.

Mustache Guy: [Taps Principal Huggins] Listen, bro, unless you're the kind of guy who isn't into following rules...

Principal Huggins: Oh, no, no, I love rules.

Mustache Guy: Well, great. There's a golf cart parking fifty blocks that way. [Points out said direction]

Principal Huggins: Fifty blocks?

Mustache Guy: Uh, yep.

[Principal Higgins drives away.]

Rita: [Opens the door] Thank you, sir. [Hands him the money]

Mustache Guy: Oh, sure. No problem, lady.

[Rita goes back inside to watch the writing club perform.]

Lucy: The hot dogs sizzle, the nachos cheese goes plop, in the snack aisle at Flip's, the symphony never stops. Thank you.

Coffee Store Manager: [Snaps fingers as well as everyone else.] Alright. Let's hear it.

[The students take a bow.]

Rita: Whoo! So proud of you, guys.

Principal Huggins: [Bursts though the door] You!

Rita: Dang it.

Principal Huggins: [Walks towards Rita] Did you really think you would get away with this?

Rita: [Sighs] No. I knew I wouldn't. But I had to let these kids share the work their so passionate about, even if it meant getting fired from the club.

Laney: You tell him mother!

Principal Huggins: [To Laney] You stay out if this! [To Rita] You're out, and Huggins is back in. You hear that, kids? I'm in charge.

Principal Huggins: Superintendent Chen. I can explain what these kids are doing in such a seedy establishment... for which you have a T-shirt and a frequent customer mug.

Superintendent Chen: Huggins, I'm impressed. I don't know what you've been doing in that writing club, but you've clearly inspired these kids. [Huggins grows shocked to hear that.] You know what? I'm going to improve your rating from mediocre... [Huggins looks at Rita and the manager while they look at the kids and Rita and the manager look back at Huggins and he looks at Superintendent Chen.] ...to above average.

Principal Huggins: Above average? Me?

Superintendent Chen: You've earned it.

Principal Huggins: [Looks at Rita] Actually, I haven't. This is the woman to whom all credit belongs.

Superintendent Chen: Really? [Shakes Rita's hand] Well done, madam.

Rita: Thank you, but, you know, uh, Principal Huggins deserves credit, too. He's given the students a very thorough education in the fundamentals, which are just as important as the fun.

Superintendent Chen: Well, sounds like you two should run the club together.

Rita & Principal Huggins: Together?

Superintendent Chen: [Starts walking away] Something to think about.

[The two smile at each other, liking the idea.]

[Later, the writing club is on a plane with Principal Huggins reading about gerunds out loud.]

Principal Huggins: Alright, students, can anyone tell me what a gerund is?

Sasha: A verb that acts like a noun.

Lucy: Always ending in "ing".

Principal Huggins: Excellent. [Puts his helmet on] Now let's practice writing them. Take it away, Mrs. Loud.

Rita: Roger. [Starts the plane. The plane then goes fast and take to the skies.]

Amir: Wow, Lucy! Your mom can write, perform root canals, and fly a plane?

Rita: Alright, who's got a gerund?

Sasha: Ooh, I do! How about "flying"?

Rita: Nice! Let's write!

[The plane writes down the word "flying" in the sky.]

Sasha: Whoo!

Haiku: Woo-hoo, I love writing.

Amir: Soaring!

Rita: Good one.

Haiku: Hurtling? As in toward the Earth?

Rita: Like this? All great examples. How about a gerund from Principal Huggins?

Principal Huggins: [Starts to feel airsick and vomits.] Retching!

[The plane writes down "The end" in the sky.]