Jing Shi

~Young Lan Zhan at the age of 5~

The Boy Who Loved is updated every

As the snow dreamily graces the earth, I walk up to my brother and tug his sleeves, "Brother, when are we going to Jingshi?" Even though my face seemed impassive, yet my heart eagerly sought his and he smiles kindly.

Brother has always been kinder between the two of us, never the one to change, he always had a calm aura about himself that made my little heart happy.

Crouching down to my level, his voice is soft as usual, "Wangji, we'll leave once the snow subsidies." Straightening my forehead band he continues, "You can never allow uncle to see your forehead band fastened in haste, alright?"

At his words I nod.

"Hungry?" he enquires softly and I shake my head. I wasn't hungry. My mind was somewhere else today. Walking towards the window my eyes seeks the vast span of Gusu covered in snow.

"Wangji," Gege sighs "you know mother can't come and live with us, don't worry we'll meet her soon." Caressing my hair gently, we continue to stand by the window with a hope to meet her soon. The reality was far from our hopes and dreams.

If I don't get to meet mother today, then I would have to wait for another one month. My soul didn't want that. For some reason I wanted to meet her today. My heart was desperate.

"Gege" I whisper.

I look at the darkening sky praying for the weather to clear up.

The sky didn't clear up. It became dark. So dark. It forever became dark.

~ Seldom did Wangji realise that he would never see his mother again. Had it not snowed that night, probably he would have seen her one last smile. ~

A month passed by and it was the day I get to visit Jingshi. Mother would be there waiting for me, she's always the one to open her doors and welcome me in. Packing my bag, I wait for Gege to arrive.

Counting number of leaves on the tree I reach to 103 when Gege enters with a solemn look. He is sad. Why are your eyes sad brother? I have never seen Gege sad. Ever.

"Wangji" his voice sounded pained. It's not a voice I have heard before. Something's wrong.

"Gege, I want to go to Jingshi" tugging his sleeves and oblivious to his pain, this young heart today is desparate to see his mother, but Gege didn't move. Leaving him behind, I sprint all the way to Jingshi.

Dashing through the gates, I stop in front of the patio, expecting her to open the door, when she doesn't, I plead  "I am here mama, please open!" but she doesn't come out to greet me. She never will.

Time passes by and as the snow flutters down I kneel with last threads of hope. Have I done something to upset her? Why won't she come out? She promised to cook my favourite dish, will she feed me?

I patiently wait.

"Mama, do you know I have started learning how to play my Zither?" I wait for her reply but receive none. It's getting dark and it's becoming colder. The snow has now completely enveloped me. But this young body does not care. He only care for his mother inside.

I don't give up.

I wait.

I patiently wait.

I always wanted her to feel proud of me. I was debarred from talking to Mama, but secretly I loved hearing her kind and humble voice. Her eyes were the kindest. Her smile was the prettiest. She always smelled of sandalwood.

Kneeling down, I continue to reminisce the memory of reading to her what I was taught in class and she would patiently listen to me. At times she would even caress my hair and tease me. I used to act all annoyed, but that was far from truth. I loved her touch. She was the only one to show me kindness other than Gege.

Gege and I would at times sit and watch her comb my hair. He believed that Mama and I look alike. She would at times play with me and my toys. Her fingers were so delicate. I loved her silky robes and they always brought me comfort.

Gusu's curfew gong strikes, shaking me out of my stupor and indicating that it's past bed time.

Raising my gaze towards the door, my heart sinks knowing well that she won't open the door. She is never going to open the door.

Hearing Gege call my name, my tears fall for the first time. Unable to control the pain within me, they slither from my eyes and drop down onto the snow, forever disappearing.

Crouching next to me Gege takes me into his arms giving me the solace I wanted.

His warmth reminds me of hers. I bury my face under his chin as he carries me away. The last I remember looking was at the name

"Jingshi" - "Silent Room".

I knew it would be silent forever.

After that night I visited Jingshi every month with a hope that she would be there. She's never there. Never will be.

I continued to visit Jingshi every month until it became my permanent abode much later in life.

I Lan Wangji, was taught that the world was not meant for me, that I should not have any personal connections. I strived by that rule. I became one with no one, until he arrived, and then he became my everything.