Disappointment.

Have you ever felt like time was dragging on, each second stretching out forever? Like you're dragging your bare feet across the thousandth mile you've run in the same mud, stuck in slow motion while the world keeps moving forward.

Have you ever blinked and had hours pass, Living on double speed, unable to keep up? Every moment blurs into the next, days into weeks, weeks into months… 

Sometimes, I just wish I could hit pause, Just for a little while, so I could catch my breath and figure things out. But I guess that's just wishful thinking.

The strange melancholy consumed me. It was a paradox. Each hour felt like an eternity, but the days had moved so monotonously that years had passed in the blink of an eye. I just wanted it all to stop still, to all fall silent.

'Every day it's the same. I've counted the time so much that I even do it in my sleep now. It's second nature.'

Mara, my instructor, loomed over me. Her towering figure was rivaled only by that of her massive sword that she was resting over her shoulder as if it was weightless. I knew all too well it wasn't though, after all the same kind rested in my hands, its blade broad and made of hardwood, and its length greater than twice my own height.

"Focus on what's in front of you… Keep your shoulders back, your stance wide, and your grip loose."

It wasn't that I was losing focus so much as it was hard for me to look her in the eye. I would have rather looked anywhere else. The uneven cobblestone under my feet, the weapon racks that lined the walls of the secluded courtyard, even the fountain just behind her that I seemed to only have bad memories from, I could look at anything but her eyes.

"How many times do I need to tell you…" she gently grabbed a handful of her silver hair and began to speak under her breath. "It's not that hard to remember, honestly."

I had become numb to the feeling of disappointment that I stirred within her. "I know what I'm supposed to do Mara… I just can't do it…"

She turned away for a moment and her voice became soft. "If you really understand, why can't you do it? I don't understand what's wrong with you?"

It was a question that we both knew the answer to and one that didn't warrant a response. What was wrong with me was simple. My body was small and frail, at least by her standards, especially when compared with my younger sister.

 We hadn't been at it for very long, but my sore muscles were screaming at me. I couldn't even hold a basic stance without shaking, and the harder I tried the worse it became.

Mara sighed and looked back at me. "Just do your best then."

My body ached as my heart pounded in my chest, and I struggled to even move my fingers, but I resolved within myself that I would still try. If I had to show her that I couldn't do it for her to believe me, then that was just what I had to do.

I raised my sword high into the air, holding a stance as best I could. The stone scratched at my bare feet as I tried to grip the ground, keeping my balance as I began shaking violently. My tired arms gave out and the sword fell to the ground sliding into the soft mud between cobblestones and squishing into the ground. I was struggling even to make a fist, but I still managed to hold onto it somehow. 

"Siya can't you just…" she shook her head raising a hand to her face.

"It's too heavy," I said plainly. It all seemed monotonous. I looked down at the sword in my hands. My arms were covered in mud, and as my hair fell forward past my face I could see it hadn't changed much either. It was so dirty so often I didn't even know what color it was. I had been knocked down so many times it was probably as stained as my old sackcloth clothes 

We both stood still in complete silence. I wasn't going to move unless she forced me to with how tired I was. I didn't know why, but she was silent as well, just staring at me, lost in thought.

My hands had been worn rough and I could feel they would start to bleed soon if we kept pushing. It had happened enough times that I was starting to get pretty good at predicting it. Even so, I held onto the sword, letting the tip rest on the ground to give my arms whatever small semblance of a break that I could.

"Siya…" She groaned, saying my name, but I couldn't understand why. It was far too delayed to be from the fact that I had failed.

I looked down to see bright red blood sharply contrasting the mud that was splattered on my shirt., and only then could I feel it running down from my nose. I was starting to get lightheaded too, but I was still standing.

"Mara… Can I sit down for a moment?"

"No, we're not done yet."

It was almost laughable. Even as blood came pouring from my nose and I began to lose my sense of balance, we still weren't done training. "Ok." There was nothing else I could say.

I used to try and tease her. or make jokes to try and keep my sanity. She scolded me for that. I had become a machine in response. 'I wonder what it's like to have a student that feels no emotion. I always thought it would be horrible… But maybe… She prefers me like this. No, she definitely prefers it this way.'

"Siya… You may be weak, but you're stronger than this. I know you are. Pick up your sword."

I wanted to tell her I was trying my best, that this was all I had, but I didn't dare.

'My arms don't want to move anymore, I'm not even sure if I could lift one above my head.' I tried out of curiosity but with no luck. My arm stopped just below parallel and I let it drop, 'Guess not.' I tried to lift it again, but it was stuck in the mud and wouldn't budge, no matter how hard I tried it only made me feel more dizzy.

I looked up to see Mara clenching her fists as tightly as she could before suddenly relaxing. She wasn't showing clear anger or agitation like before, but it was hard to read her face. For all I knew she was still just as angry and hiding it. It was the face she made when she went to war and fought on the front lines. Cold, calculating, and never showing emotion to the enemy. I recognized that sort of face all too well. It was the only thing we had in common.

I looked into the house through the window to see my sister staring at us. She was two years younger than me. Despite that, she far surpassed me in everything, already being able to effectively wield a real sword. She was even half a foot taller. It would be hard not to compare the two of us, and harder still to not be disappointed when you did. She rarely said it, but Mara felt that way too.

'I know she's better, it even hurts a little to know how much of a disappointment I am. I've trained longer than she has, I'm older than her, and we have the same parents, did I really just lose the genetic lottery? It can't be that simple can it?'

I told myself over and over that there was no point in getting upset, to control my emotions, or better yet, to not feel anything at all. It didn't always work, but it helped. Occasionally though, my emotions surged, and I ended up going over everything I hated about my life.

Being reduced to that state was awful. It was like my heart would get put back into my chest allowing me to feel, only to be ripped right back out again, leaving me with only pain and nowhere to send it.

I hated it. That feeling that I really was just a 14-year-old girl who needed her mother's arms to cry into. I hated it so much that I'd rather not feel anything at all.

"Let's call it for today," Mara said, racking the sword on the wall. "At least for this part of your training, it's just too much for you right now."

I glanced over to her. My vision didn't focus right away and I kept blankly staring off into space without even realizing it. Usually, my mind was the one thing I could rely on, but even that was exhausted and pushed to its limit "Yeah…" It was a pain to agree with her because of the way she said it, but she was right. There was no way I could handle any more training. 

She came back over to me and squatted down so that we were at eye level. Grabbing my arms. "Siya, do you even care about this at all?"

Her hands were so warm on my cold body that they sent chills down my spine. I opened my mouth to say no, but no words came out. The truth was that I didn't. I didn't care about any of it. Getting stronger, learning to swing an oversized sword, running miles on end without stopping, I couldn't have cared less.

How could I say that though, to her of all people? After all, she wasn't just my instructor… She was my mother… If I didn't become good enough my entire family was going to be punished. I couldn't look her in the eyes and essentially tell her I didn't care what happened to her. Even if that was also true…