26: Back

[SOMEWHERE]

"You're the one who sent these pictures to my brother, right?!" An angry voice rang throughout the suburban rented house. 

"Calm down, Khun Mek." 

"You do have a weird sense of humor now, don't you Big? And you still fucking got the nerve to send this to my brother. Do you know what Phi Tawan has been through just to forget that bastard!?" 

Mek's bristling continued, knowing that someone sneakily sent information and even videos of day-to-day activities of Kinn to his brother. It's been over a year since those two broke up, but the wound from his brother's heart never healed. The pain was still haunting Tawan in his sleep and Mek couldn't bear to see his brother suffer any longer. And what pains him the most, was the fact that the person who hurt his most precious family member, was once his best friend and almost treated him like his own brother. 

"But Khun Mek, if you want to help Khun Tawan, wouldn't it be better to give him what he wants?" Big masked conviction between his words as the person in front of him stares him dead in the eye. 

"Watch your words Big. My brother may still like Kinn, but I know fucking well that you see Kinn in a different light as well. So spare my brother from this facade or I'll make you suffer instead." 

"Calm down Khun Mek, what are you talking about?" He replied and Mek immediately squinted his eyes towards the latter as the bastard sipped his cigarette casually. 

"You fucking psycho." Mek slammed back with a strong voice, unafraid of the underlings who were 

standing in a row. 

"Then I'm no different from your brother." Big's mouth stretched into a wicked smile, making Mek send piercing stares toward him.

"Mark my words Big. Stop messing with my brother." 

"But Phi Mek, shouldn't you be asking Phi Tawan first? And if Phi Tawan still wants Kinn back. I would love to have Porsche for myself." 

The other person with a sly look on his face muttered while grazing his long fingers over his bottom lip. Mek darted his gaze over the two men in front of him with disgust. A person who was supposed to be working closely with his ex-best friend and a person— no, a poisonous snake that is ready to slither on people's arms anytime. He knew that these two were secretly doing something and he wanted to warn his ex-friend but he just didn't know how to.

"Khun Mek come on. Think about it." 

Big insisted but instead of agreeing, Mek heaved his foot and slammed it against the footer of the sofa. The other men were about to restrain him, but their boss forbade his movements. Mek swayed out the hands that were holding him and stormed out of the room. He went straight to his car and aggressively smashed the steering wheel.

"Shia!" He muttered, before brushing his hair away from his face. After a while, a long-distance phone call from abroad rang.

"Yes, Phi." Mek's tone suddenly turned normal.

[Did you find him?]

"I just came out."

[You have to do me a favor, Mek.]

"But, shouldn't that be over now, Phi?"

[I thought you knew me already. I won't settle for an easy ending.]

"But Phi. I don't want you to be in this rotten whirlpool again."

[You have to help me Mek. Because if you don't, I'll do everything myself.]

"Then when will you come back to Thailand?"

[Now.]

KINN

"Porsche! Porsche! Porsche!"

I emphasized the end of my sentence, to get the attention of the frowning man sitting on my couch. Porsche was startled and immediately squinted his eyes at me before lowering his head back to the pile of documents on the table.

"What?" He replied without looking at me.

"I'll go down to get something to eat. Do you plan on finishing that out or do you wanna come with me?" I asked him casually, but Porsche was taken by surprise and immediately turned red towards my gesture.

What? I just asked him to eat.

We've been spending too much time now with each other unlike before and his reactions never fail to entertain me.

"Alright! But let's make it quick, I still need to collect some bills for this month." Porsche said and I just nodded in response.

Lately, I've been noticing the change in Porsche's attitude. It's like I've unlocked a whole new version of  him, sweet and caring. It's not like I'm complaining though, I really find this side of him cute. But the only downside of this change is that I can't help but tease him more.

"Kinn, where was last year's bill? It has to be attached to this document." 

Porsche asked and it took me out of my daydreaming. He was pointing at a receipt, and I got up from my chair to see what document he was holding. Today is Wednesday and it was supposed to be his time off, but I always find a way to make him stay. And to my surprise, he didn't even complain and just continued working as if it was his workday.

"It was from the 2019 file located in the office. But I do have some scanned pictures of it on my old phone. Go check my desk." 

He nodded and obediently followed my command like the good boy that he is. My inner demon snapped and was about to grab him by his neck to kiss him but my conscience slapped me and I just settled on giving him a peck on his head. Porsche was still taken by surprise and hurriedly pushed me away from him. He gave me an earful, but I was too busy looking at his reddened face like an apple. I know he was quite tan, but those rose blush around his cheeks that crept down to the sides of his neck was like kryptonite to me. 

He stood up and made his way out of my room with an annoyed face. Porsche was still as stubborn as he is but never rejected my gesture toward him. I resumed going to the dining area and my surprise, I saw my outcast little brother. Enjoying his time eating with Dad and Khun Thankhun.

"You come home very often now, Kim." 

I greeted him, and the bastard that was busy filling up his mouth. It's already dinner time, so everyone, including Dad and Khun, gathers here at the dining table to eat.

"Well, things at home are quite tempting." Thankhun sneaked a reply and I immediately raised an eyebrow at his statement.

"The hell are you talking about?" Kim growled at 'Khun, making me curious even more.

"What's going on?" I asked both of them, while slowly getting some rice on my plate.

"I don't want to spill any more tea. It is what it is but—" Khun slapped the table once and brought his face closer to me. I put down my spoon and turned to him with full curiosity.

"He's always at home because of 'Ch— hmp!" Thankhun didn't even manage to finish his sentence because my younger brother grabbed him by his neck and forcibly slammed a saucer into his older brother's mouth.

"Shut your damn mouth you fucking hobo! Don't you know when to stop!? Be considerate, dad is with us! What if I talk shit about you too in front of him, what would you do!?"

Kim held Thankhun's head while covering his mouth tightly. Dad and I only throw them a puzzled look. 

"Hmmmp!" Thankhun squirmed and I shook my head lightly towards my bickering brothers, before continuing my supper.

"Quit playing you bastards! Let's eat now." Dad said in a stern voice. Kim then slowly loosened his hand and pointed a finger towards his brother's face.

"Bastard!" Thankhun snickered.

"You boys don't know when to grow up! How am I supposed to hand over our business if you two are acting like a bunch of kids!?" Dad said, furrowing his brows.

"Ohh Paa! Here you go again. Talking about business, business! We're at the dinner table, we should be just enjoying our lives and the food!" Thankhun argued before stuffing his face full with his dinner. 

"And if not now, when? You boys are not getting any younger! You should already have a decent job or better yet, skills to help me manage our company! This doesn't even include the matter of having an heir. When will you boys bring me a decent lady to bear your children? Or should I still pick those for you!?"

As soon as Dad finished his statement, Thankhun choked on his water and the remnants almost hit Kim's face.

"What? Did getting a wife scared you that much you almost killed yourself with water?" Kim said playfully. Making me realize as if he knows Thankhun better than anyone else in this room. Well, this kid could make a cheeky face, and at the same time a cunning one.

"I'm just not that ready to be a father yet, Pa," Thankhun muttered before grabbing both Kim's and my arm close beside him. "How about Kim and Kinn Pa? These two can make a good daddy!" 

The bastard cheerfully replied, making Kim pry out his hands from Thankhun's grip and I hurriedly rolled my eyes in frustration. I was about to protest a reply, but Dad gave me a look and it immediately sends shivers  down my spine.

"Can I even expect an heir from these two?" Dad said with a sigh. He knows what my tastes are, and so with Kim. He doesn't argue with it or anything, but not quite accepting either.

"I assure you Pa. With this fierce and handsome look of Kinn, he'll give you a cute grandson!" The bastard said, pinching both of my cheeks out.

"Hey!" I swatted his hand away and let out a stern voice.

"Well, it's good that this matter opened by himself. Dad didn't say anything about your preference for the types of people that you like. But he's not quite sure if he can accept it fully yet. I've already told you that Dad is disappointed, most especially that time when you're dating Tawan. I think you should make up your mind Kinn before you jump into new bodies of water."

Thankhun said, and it was the first time that I heard him talk like an actual adult. I was a bit surprised before I slowly turned my gaze towards Dad's direction. He wasn't talking or anything, but the way he looked at me was already enough to make me realize that he was really disappointed. I could only hold my head down with embarrassment masked all over my face.

"Son, I know you are smart. So please, if you're planning to do something, be mindful of your surroundings. Not all people in this house can comprehend what you are doing. I might not accept it yet and that's on me. But when it comes to them, I can't control what they might think of you, and it wasn't always pleasing." 

Dad told me, and I immediately turned mute, and so was the whole table. As if everything they were doing went on hold, and I could feel all of their eyes on me. The silence was deafening, making me realize what I'd done. It was probably that time when I went to Porsche's room and kissed him in the hallway.

"I was just about to let it pass, but please Kinn. Try to reconsider it." My father added.

"Was that true Kinn?" Kim asked in pique, making me bite my tongue.

"I'm sorry," I replied with remorse in my tone.

"But I just want to know, Kinn. Are you serious?" 

Serious? Serious about what? I glanced in my Dad's direction, trying to figure out what he was trying to  say. Then realization suddenly hit me.

"I won't let it happen again Pa." I dodged my father's question. It's not like I don't want to, but I just don't know what to answer yet.

"Alright. Think about it very well, Kinn. I don't want to see you get hurt again, and at the same time, I don't want you hurting other people just to forget about Tawan. Is that clear?" Pa said, and my eyes immediately wandered throughout the room.

I noticed that people around me were aware all along. I never said anything, and never told anyone about it, but it was careless of me to spend almost 24 hours of my time with Porsche.

"H-Hey come on! Let's just eat for now! We can discuss that again some other time. Look at Pa, he's aging faster so he needs a lot of food to revitalize himself!" Thankhun spills out to help ease the building tension in the atmosphere, but my younger brother wasn't dumb enough to ignore what was happening. 

"Ohh! I've already lost my hope for the three of you. My head hurts!" Dad cursed softly.

"Are you alright, Pa?" Kim cooed.

"I'm fine. But what about my grandson? What do you guys plan to do about it? And you Thankhun, will you be able to find a daughter-in-law for me? Who would I go with to visit temples?"

"Gosh, Pa! Let's just eat first! Then find someone to accompany you." Thankhun snickered.

"Oh, Buddha."

Their conversation ended just like that, but I still can't let the thought out of my head. We all started eating, but my appetite was on haywire the moment I heard about my father's thoughts toward Tawan. 

Am I really in bad shape at that time?

But dad never lied, and if he said that I am, then that would probably be true. It was so bad that I can't even open up myself to anyone anymore. So painful that whenever I try again, I always end up messing things out.

"Don't pay too much attention to it, Kinn." My younger brother muttered, giving me a soft tap on the shoulder.

"Pa! Why the hell do you still talk about that bastard!? He was already gone! Their relationship ended long ago!" 

Thankhun slammed his spoon on the table, frowning. The bastard he was talking about was probably Tawan. After the day we broke up, my two brothers grew distant from Tawan and even held a grudge toward the latter. These bastards were too affected as if they were the ones who broke up with him.

"You don't have to reiterate it, bastard! We already know! Have some manners will ya?" Kim gnarled on Thankhun, initiating the start of another bickering. Father, on the other hand, put down his spoon and got up from his seat, signaling the end of his meal. 

"That bastard will never be able to set foot in here again! And if he did, I'll order the men to kill him!"  Thankhun said in anger. 

I admit it, I still can't handle whenever his name was spawned around carelessly, even that time when I met his younger brother Mek. It was so suffocating as if I was being choked by my own hands and I can't do anything about it. Everything about that relationship was so traumatizing, I can feel my insides turning just by the mere thought of him.

"I'll go up to my room first." I bid farewell to both of them who looked at me worriedly.

Meeting Porsche was like a blessing in disguise for me because he took all of my attention away from Tawan. However, recently, the more I spend time with Porsche, the more my feelings grew and it scared the shit out of me. As if he was gradually taking Tawan's place. It was all new to me, and I can't help but want to run away. 

I was on my way to my room when my strides immediately halted the moment I heard a familiar sound echoing from the other side of my room.

[Can you say that phrase for me again, Kinn? I want to hear it.]

[Don't wanna.]

[Oh, come on! Why are you always like this? Say it for me, please?]

[Alright. 'My eyes were not yet weary, the sky without the sun is blurry. But my life, without you, was much scarier.' Happy now?]

[That's gross.]

The moment I heard that conversation, my feet went as light as a feather. I ran towards my office and swiftly took my old phone from Porsche's hand.

"N-not this one. The other." 

I quickly moved to get the right phone then walked back over in Porsche's direction and gave him the other phone. He was stunned for a moment before recollecting his thoughts and spoke to me in a muffled voice.

"U-uh, I'm sorry. There are two drawers on the table. I might have confused one from the other." Porsche hurriedly picked up the phone from my hand without looking at me.

"You can go now and take a break. I'll do the rest tomorrow." 

I immediately cut the conversation and set him off. A frustrated expression was masked all over Porsche's face, but he didn't say anything and just walked over to the glass table to tidy things up. 

When Porsche was already done, he excused himself and headed straight outside. I could only let out a deep sigh, as I watched his silhouette move away from me.

I gaze at the phone that I pulled from Porsche's hand a moment ago as I slowly sat down on the sofa. I was so busy with other things that I forgot to put this phone away. It holds a lot of memories of my days with Tawan and it's been over a year since I broke up with him. The pain of the past kept coming back and haunting me every time I thought of his face.

We didn't end well with those three years that we shared and it wasn't a good memory either. At first, it was all going well, but we ended up hurting each other and becoming way too toxic. But it seems like I still can't let go of his memories, because he was the person I loved the most, but ends up being my greatest pain. I became a person who was afraid of commitment. I feared the fact of starting over and falling in love because I've been betrayed by the person I trust the most.

He had someone else the whole time we were together. 

I became a fool who kept on believing and clinging to his words but I in the end, it was all lies. I thought that love was beautiful, but it was just some foolish idea. He tried to contact me, but I blocked all the possible ways he could use to reach me. Back then, I couldn't face him, and I desperately tried my best just to get him out of my system. I've changed partners every day and played with fire with different people just to find the happiness that was taken away from me.

It didn't even come across to me that I would take anyone seriously, not until I met Porsche.

It's as if my breathing was always labored every time I'm around him. But I can't figure out just yet where these feelings would get me, and the thought gives me a mixture of fear and paranoia. 

The mere thought of me falling in love with Porsche the same way I did for Tawan, and everything crumbling down all over again, completely terrifies me. I'm aware that I'm starting to grow some feelings for Porsche. 

I even wanted to hug him, kiss him and see his face all the time. But something in my heart is always against what I am doing. I'm scared, and for these past few weeks I tried to restrain myself from seeing him, but I just can't. Absence indeed makes the heart go fonder, and this shit fucks me up. 

I pressed the play button on my phone to watch the video again, and along with the playing frames were my flowing emotions going haywire. As if I was taken back to that moment, and it kept pulling me back.

It suddenly made me realize that I'm not just scared of commitment, but also afraid of using Porsche as a rebound.

Most especially that time in the Japanese restaurant, the dish that Porsche specifically liked, was the same dish that Tawan was fond of. That restaurant was our favorite place to hang out. Everything was happening the same as in the past and it terrifies me all the time. The stubbornness, the annoying tantrums, and even the cute gestures. Porsche looked so tough on the outside but was such a baby on the inside.

He was someone I didn't mean to meet, but he's taking my breath away every single day.

I stared at my old phone that had been turned off for a year and kept on scrolling through the old pictures, videos, and even texts with a frown on my face. I didn't feel good, but I can't help but reminisce. It took a lot of effort to eventually get over Tawan, but with just a simple accident—everything has fallen apart. All of my bad memories were oozing out and playing non-stop in my y mind, making me feel exhausted all over again. And before I knew it, I have already fallen asleep. 

The next day I woke up with backache and pain all over my body. I was dazed for a moment before I hurriedly picked up my phone to check the time. It was already eight in the morning, and immediately, the thought of Porsche came to mind. Usually, we have to be together for us to sleep well, but without me beside him.

How was he?

LINE

PORSCHE: I have gone out to sleep with my brother. 

Porsche sent me a message around 1 am and my eyes were still blurry. I put my head back against the sofa and positioned myself properly before typing in a reply. 

KINN: Sorry, I fell asleep. 

It was just a few minutes when my message was read and I got a reply.

PORSCHE: Yeah. But it's fine, I'm at school now l, btw. 

KINN: How did you get there?

PORSCHE: Tem picked me up. I still have exams this morning so I gotta be early. 

KINN: Okay. 

I left Porsche's chat window and went into the chatbox of my friends and its non-stop popping already pissed me out. I don't know what the hell they were talking about but when I back-read a few lines, I swore loudly.

Fuck! Today was supposed to be our time to meet some high school friends and I totally forgot. These shits are already talking about what to wear and what food to eat, but here I am, lazily lying on my sofa. I sat and thought for a long time about whether I should go or not before typing in the group.

KINN: I can't go. Forgot about it. 

TIME: Hey! Stop playing Kinn. We've been planning this for months now. 

KINN: Too lazy. 

TAE: Just sit down, and eat. 

MEW: If Kinn doesn't go, I won't as well. 

TIME: You fucking bastards! You guys have to go. These people wanted to see us and it took months just to prepare this so don't screw this up! 

TAE: And I already booked a reservation. You guys didn't have a choice. 

I rolled my eyes at the message on my phone, before dropping it flat on my side. Damn! I fucking don't wanna go! But I got no choice since they already set everything up. To be honest, it wasn't even an official event, just a mini get-together with our high school friends. I know they have already planned about it for months, but now really wasn't the right time. I feel so down and exhausted, to think that my day was just getting started.

I lay rotten on the sofa for several minutes. My class for today will start in the afternoon so I have a lot of spare time to lie down and roll. I talked to my friends on LINE for a while, before scrolling down to my Facebook account which hasn't been opened for a while now. My eyes scrolled past the timeline until I stumbled upon Porsche's account activity. We've been Facebook friends since last week, but he's not as active as I am. But today, to my surprise, I saw him commenting on one of his friend's posts.

Porsche Pachara commented on the post.

Tem Taran: Are you okay man? Just forget about everything :( 

Porsche Pachara: What the hell are you sad about? 

Tem Taran: Nothing! 

Porsche Pachara: Are you going to speak or I'll let my feet force it out of you? 

Tem Taran: Don't worry man. We're here for you always!

Jom Jukkit: Oh my!

Tem Taran: I think Porsche needs some heart surgery. 

Porsche Pachara: What the hell are you saying!? 

Tem Taran: Coz I can't help, falling in love with you~ 

Porsche Pachara: Yeah, just keep singing Tem. You'll sing to my feet if we see each other again. 

Jom Jukkit: Were you heartbroken Porsche? What's up with the attitude? 

Porsche Pachara: Shut up you bastard! I'll slash you! 

Tem Taran: Yeah, he's dead. Jom is dead. 

Jom Jukkit: Come on now Porsche. Lemme comfort ya. I'll let you make up your mind :) 

Porsche Pachara: Shut up you pervert! 

Tem Taran: Oh! That's cute. 

Jom Jukkit: Porsche is cute.

Tem Taran: Cute Porsche Pachara.

Porsche Pachara: Shut up! Shut the fuck up!

I smiled at the exchanged comments with Porsche and his friends. He was a big bully, but he couldn't even win with his friends. Their bond was precious and I love it when I see Porsche happy. I am well aware that the more I lead him on with unclear motives, there's a big possibility that I'll take that happiness away from him even if I don't want to. 

I can't continue like this. I want everything to be clear before I grab this opportunity. Not to toot my own horn but I'm well aware that he likes me. The way he reacted toward me, the way he looks at me, and even how those deep orbs of him that could find me in the sea of the crowd was enough reason to support my theory. 

He was clear as a lagoon, and I'm clouded as the sea. And like I said, I wanted everything to be clean and in order before I dive into freshwaters again. To be honest, Porsche wasn't my cup of tea, but he didn't even have to try hard to make me fall in love with him. It was as if everything around him was so natural and that makes me fall in love deeper every day. It was selfish of me to hide these feelings for Porsche, but I just wanted to make sure.

I went to the university as usual, and in the evening came back home to get dressed and prepared to have dinner with my friends. Porsche asked if he could have a leave for today because he needs to stay late at school for a judo competition, which I immediately agreed with, so I'm out with Big and the other men. 

The dinner was held in a high-end restaurant located in a famous hotel in Bangkok. It was merry and the whole table was filled with laughter and chatter with familiar faces. There were quite a lot of people at the table because some of my roommates back at school came as well, together with their admirers and suitors. Our university was all-male, so you know what I meant about that.

"Oh my god! You're back from England already?" My friends cheered and stood up to welcome the newcomer.

"Phi Tawan invites me. I just found out about it yesterday." Mek walked towards the table and looked for a seat, greeting me with a nod. 

"You can sit next to Kinn." Someone said, and my throat immediately went dry.

The whole table was so excited about Mek's arrival, probably because he went to study in England after graduating high school, and rarely returned to Thailand. I could only gulp in embarrassment as I sat silently with my ex's younger brother and it has been bothering me for a while now. Mek was the younger brother of Tawan, and the latter was three years older than me. Mek and I used to be very close when we were young. We've been in the same elementary school and even in high school, but all of that crumbled down the moment I broke up with his older brother. He blamed me for everything and I didn't get the chance to explain myself. I wouldn't expect his brother to explain it to him as well, but I wished we got the chance to talk.

"Hey! Why didn't you invite me?" Mek playful asked which shocked the hell out of me.

"I actually have forgotten about this. I just remembered this morning too." I tried to act as normal as possible but fuck, my head is killing me.

"When are you coming back to England?" Tae asked, and Mek immediately raised his eyebrows in displeasure.

"Excuse me?"Mek smirked at Tae. Time also looked at me and Mek alternately.

"Come on. I'm just asking." Tae shrugged his shoulders and acted as if it wasn't his intention to offend Mek.

My friends knew what happened between me and Mek's brother. Mek even went to my room just to beat me up about his brother, and it scares the shit out of me what my friends could do to him now. 

"Probably a little while longer. I still have some business to take care of." Mek replied, looking casually at Tae. 

"What business?" Tae asked back.

"Why did you suddenly get interested in me Tae? Were you already bored with your husband so you're coming at me? Be careful though, you might get into contact with STDs if you keep hoeing out." Mek's smirk widens, making Tae furrow his face in annoyance.

"Watch your mouth Mek! Just have you fill and eat." 

Time suddenly slammed the table that stopped their bickering and the whole table was silent in shock.

"Come on guys! We only meet each other once in a while. Let's drop the drama and catch up on some talks." 

One of my high school friends said, trying his best to divert the situation.

Time and Tae were also invited outside the balcony to take some pictures, to clear the fogging atmosphere between them and Mek.

"Did your favorite bodyguard not come with you today?" Mek asked. 

I raised my eyebrows at his statement before squinting my eyes in my bodyguard's direction. 

"Who?" I asked him back.

"Porsche. The one you were with last time." Mek confidently said, making me look at him in disbelief. 

How did he learn about Porsche's name even though they only met once? And why does he ask specifically for Porsche?

"He's busy," I replied shortly. 

Mek then twitched a cunning smile and gave me a 

meaningful look. An unsettling feeling suddenly runs up from my spine to my neck and I palpitate. I tried to normalize my breathing to control my emotions. 

Why?

After that, we just casually ate and caught up with each other. Mek didn't pay much attention to me again and just kept entertaining the others. Tae and Time glanced at me from time to time as I was just stiffly seated on my chair. 

I didn't pay them too much attention as well but after a while, Mek suddenly went out talking on his phone. He was away for a while before suddenly reappearing, but he wasn't alone.

"Kinn." Mew suddenly tugged at my arm, having a terrified look on his face and when I turned my gaze to my two other friends, they weren't any different. 

"Everyone, meet my brother. Come join us for a meal."

Mek declared and it immediately sent my emotions haywire as I slowly turned my gaze in his direction. My heart suddenly stopped and my body went cold as my eyes met his.

"Hey!" A familiar voice greeted me and I was still in a daze, looking at the person that I'd been trying to get out of my head. The lad hesitated to greet me, before 

Mek made his move and pushed his brother towards the seat right next to me.

"Tawan," I said breathlessly.

The latter then gave me a faint smile, before taking his seat. I still couldn't believe my eyes that he was standing in front of me, the emotions—pain, and suffering lingered in my mind unceasingly. To someone who hasn't seen him in years, the scars in my heart began to reappear.

"How are you, Kinn?" His sweet face asked me hesitantly. 

I was still in shock and was silent for a while. It felt like words were stuck in my throat, I was so stunned that I couldn't say anything. How did he come? Why is he here?

"Hey, my brother is talking to you." Mek's voice called me back from my thoughts and I slightly tilted my head away from Tawan.

"I'm— I'm fine," I replied flatly, trying to adjust my mood as normal as possible. 

The thoughts and traumas were getting way out of hand and I could feel myself getting dizzy again. So many pictures of yesterday flooded into my head and the last painful memory was the sight of him having sex with someone else.

"Kinn, do you want to come with us? We'll be coming home soon." Mew said, lightly tapping my hand with a worried look on his face.

"Why though? My brother just came. Why in such a hurry?" Mek cunningly smiled. He's doing this on purpose.

"The ambiance is already tainted, that's why," Tae said.

"Kinn, does my presence make you uncomfortable?" Tawan's voice cracked as if he was about to cry, making my emotions push on edge.

"I'll be coming back with you." I turned around and nodded to my friends before getting up from my chair, and bid my farewell to the rest of my high school classmates. 

Everyone at the table showed pitiful expressions and tried to hold me back, but I couldn't stay here any longer. Most of my friends know what happened between Tawan and me, but they had no idea why we broke up. 

I walked out of the table without giving a single damn look at the person beside me. I didn't dare to turn my gaze because if I did, I won't be able to control my raging emotions anymore. I walked until I reached the elevator with my men in front of me. They immediately stood up and some went down first through the stairs to prepare my car. The elevator door opened and I was about to step in but was stopped by slender hands holding my arm. 

He pulled me out as my feet got stuck between the elevator and the restaurant we were in, leaving me no choice but to face him.

"Kinn. Are you still angry with me?" Tawan's eyes began to shed tears and his voice started to tremble, making me pause for a moment before turning my gaze away. 

"Phi that was a long time ago! Kinn was already over you!" Tae shouted, but Tawan never backs up from his gaze. He knows me better than anyone else, it's fucking frustrating.

"Kinn, can I talk to you? Just for a minute." Tawan pleaded still holding and gently shaking my arm as a request. I stood still for a moment before turning to my friends who were standing behind Tawan. 

"What else do you want from Kinn? You guys are done. And there's nothing else to talk about anymore." Tae snapped at Tawan. 

"Give us a moment Tae," I told Tae seriously, but he wasn't the slightest bit agreeing.

"What? But why!? Kinn, he's just trying to manipulate you again! Don't let him do what he pleases! Oh! Let go of my arm, Time!" Tae continued shouting, with Mew and Time doing their best to restrain him. 

"Let him be Tae." Time sternly replied to Tae before turning his gaze in my direction.

"We'll wait for you downstairs." He added with a tense and worried expression. I nodded in reply before letting the elevator doors close.

"What's the matter, Phi?" I asked coldly, snatching my arm out of his grip.

"Why are you addressing me like that, Kinn? Were you still angry with me?" He softly muttered and I only closed my eyes, trying my best to suppress my emotions and to keep my voice from trembling too much.

"No." I managed to say.

"I miss y—"

"When did you come back?" 

Before Tawan even finished his sentence, I cut him off. I knew what he was about to say, and I don't have the strength to hear any more from him. I don't have any leftover feelings for him, but the scars that I tried to heal through the years were getting pronounced once again.

"Three or four days ago. I wanted to meet you, Kinn. Can you please give me a chance to apologize to you?"

"It's been a long time. I can't remember it anymore." 

"Kinn, don't say that please." He pursed his lips tightly, wide eyes trying to convey the feelings he still had 

for me.

"Enjoy your stay here in Thailand. I have to excuse myself." 

Just as the elevator opened, I hurriedly stepped into it without listening to any more of his plea and even brushed away the hand that tried to hold against 

my arm.

"Kinn, please listen to me. Can we meet again?" He asked me in a trembling voice, as I entered the elevator. 

I pressed the floor number and hurriedly closed the elevator before turning to give him a faint smile. I didn't answer him and just let his face fade away as the elevator went down. As soon as the doors closed, tears burst out of my eyes. I let them flow for a second but hurriedly wiped them away the moment I reached the bottom floor. 

My friends were waiting for me in the car and I slump myself onto one of the seats in exhaustion. I knew they wanted to ask me what happened, but they just kept silent and didn't dare to open their mouths. I sat still on my seat, rubbing my temples as I closed my eyes while leaning back my head on the headrest.

I didn't feel the same way with Tawan anymore. But him showing all of a sudden, only reinforces my fear. Porsche has been showing shadows of Tawan from the past and it fears me that history might repeat itself. 

I don't want to lose Porsche.

When I got home, I ordered my men to ease out and take their rest. I wanted to be alone and give myself some time to think, so I headed upstairs to my room. But as soon as I reached the front door, Porsche came out from there and greeted me. I was slightly taken by surprise before giving him a faint smile in return.

"Just got back?" Porsche asked softly, before heading out of the room. I then turned my gaze to face him and leaned on the side of my door's frame.

"Yeah. Were you waiting for me?" I asked teasingly.

"U-Uhm." He nodded while blushing.

Fuck! Porsche if you reacted like that, I won't be able to restrain myself anymore.

"So, what are we gonna do now?" I asked him.

"Want to go out for a smoke? Or continue some work I left yesterday? I'm all free." Porsche enthusiastically replied. I just stood there and stared at him. 

God, I wanna kiss him so badly!

But I can't, because I still need to clear my mind. I was the one who always bothered him to come over but today was different. I wanted to be alone by myself.

"Kinn, are you alright? Are you sick?" After a moment of silence, Porsche paced toward me and I immediately took a step back. He paused for a bit, surprise masked all over his face.

"You may go and rest. I'm sure you're tired from the competition. And there's nothing left for you to work on. You can go for now." I silently replied, trying not to look directly at Porsche who seemed to be confused. 

"Umh."

"I'm going in now." 

I turned around and immediately went inside my room. Even though I wanted to pull him for a hug and kiss him on the cheek, as usual, I refrained myself from doing so. I need to set my feelings straight first. 

Leading him on and realizing I was wrong in the end would only cause him pain.

I'm not even sure if I could take anyone seriously after what I've experienced with Tawan, but I know I like him and the mere thought of losing him scares the shit out of me. Let me just take some time to clear this confusion first. I don't want to end up hurting Porsche and repeating my trauma in the process.

As soon as I got into my room, I sat down on the sofa with my hands clenched up my temple. If he didn't come back now, it would have been a lot easier for me to decide. But seeing Tawan only reopened some wounds, making me overly cautious and paranoid. 

I thought I would be able to open myself up to love again, but it turned out I'm not yet ready. I didn't even know if I could manage to be ready again.