Anastasia

I'm falling. This time I'm the one falling, my body drifting in nothingness, my back waiting to hit the ground.

I'm hit by a sudden swarm of bright light - brighter than the sun, but not as warm. It's just white and empty, and it feels like I'm falling towards the sky, towards that light, instead of down.

Suddenly, I'm in the dark cloak of my Alpha wolf, running through the woods, nimbly passing by trees that would have been hurdles for anything else going in the speed I am. I hear the sound of laughter and recognize it as my own, but I can't understand what it is that brings me joy. I just know that I feel it, and I am lighter on my feet because of it.

Out there in the horizon, I see the shape of another wolf, its nose turned up to the sky, a leaving its throat that I cannot hear, but I feel deep inside me. It serves to bring me greater strength and I find myself moving at the speed of lightning.

I accidentally bump into the wolf, sending us both sprawling across the meadow. Everything is a blur, except for my laughter which has a companion now. The sound is as light and effortless as the gentlest breeze, and when I look up, my ears perking to find the source of the laughter that has joined mine, I see her.

It's a dream. I am sure of it. Anastasia has been gone for two months, but here she is, her human form taking over as she lifts a hand to shadow her mouth through the uncontrollable laughter. She throws her head back for a split second, and when she looks down again, her gray eyes glint like the shiniest silver jewels.

My laughter fades away only to make way for my appreciation of her. She's something else, isn't she? Her face begins to fade, but I hang on to the unconscious part of my sleeping mind just so that I can have a few more seconds with her in this dream.

It's not enough. I run towards her and drop to my knees, reaching out to touch her face even though she moves too far from me. Further and further she goes, until I'm left alone to stare at my empty hands with the grief I've been trying to put a lid on all this time.

I wake up without feeling the need to clamber for air. Ever since I stopped looking for her, it seemed my brain made up its mind to believe that she was really gone. Gone for good this time. And even though there's nothing I can do to bring her back, I link my fingers together and close my eyes as I sit in bed. All I can do is pray. Pray for her soul. Pray for mine, which was becoming more barren with every passing day. I've lost before, but this is by far the worst kind of loss.

Losing the woman you love.

I can't take it anymore. I've been telling myself every morning when I wake up that "Today will be better." but it only gets worse. And today will probably be the bane of my very existence when I have to face a group of other Alphas from the surrounding areas.

I had been reluctant to call the Alpha Kierren, even if it was to inform him that we'd taken down the very last of Luthor's rogues - the same rogue who was to blame for his daughter's death. How can I tell a man that his own child was dead because of me, because I failed to protect her?

To my relief, he said he wouldn't make it. As much as I feel guilty for not telling him sooner, I would like to tell him in person. It is the right thing to do after all. I had hoped to find her body so that we could give her a proper burial, and perform the rites that any werewolf deserves.

Which is why I call for a meeting with the Alphas. There are too many possibilities - she could have ended up in another wolf territory and no one knows who she is or to which pack she belongs to. That's the conclusion I came to, and I needed to know from the other Alphas if they have any information about her.

~

The neighboring Alphas seem like a dead-end too. With Garett's drawing expertise and his stark remembrance of her face, he draws up profiles of both her human and her wolf to pass around to the leaders so they would know who to keep an eye out for. Most of them only recognize her from the Gala, and I notice how concerned some become when her rank is questioned and I tell them that she's an Omega. The disconcerting looks flying my way are trying to decipher why the returning of one low-ranking wolf's body is so important.

Because she's fucking important to me! I scream within the walls of my own skull, keeping my calm only because these Alphas were friends of my father's and their packs allies to our own. The last thing I need to do is mess up more relations.

I wait until they file out of the den before I drop my face in my hands and let out a frustrated groan. I am getting nowhere, and honestly, I don't even know what to do with myself anymore.

"Hey, want a drink?" Derek asks as he gets off his chair, but I quickly shake my head because I'm in no mood to get drunk. I'd already reached the bottom of three 1930's. I know he only has good intentions, but I'm tired of drowning my sorrows with poison.

"I'll pass today. I think I'm gonna take a run."

"You sure you okay, man?"

"Yeah, of course," I give him my most convincing smile, "I just need some fresh air, that's all."

Derek seems to buy it, or maybe he's just used to hearing my white lies that he's decided not to question it anymore. I know this because of that one time we were having a drink together, and I threw our third bottle against the closest wall and shattered it into a thousand little pieces. I still haven't apologized for my sudden outburst that night, but Derek didn't seem to mind. He's actually handling his own grief better than I am, and maybe it's because the woman he loved rejected him before. He'd already lost her to her mate, all he had to come to terms with was that now they no longer existed in the same worlds.

It's something I can't fathom yet, Anastasia felt something too, I just know it! She wouldn't have rejected me. In fact, she didn't pursue the mate-bond with Derek after all. Maybe it's because she was trying to tell me something that night - the night I berated her when she was telling me the truth.

"Want company?" he asks as a last-ditch attempt to make sure I am okay, but I shake my head as I get up and start unbuttoning my shirt.

"I won't be long. Don't need to be anywhere?"

He tips the glass in my direction and winks, "I'll be right here."

I scan my surroundings just as the wolf takes over, making sure that I'm not being followed. The last time I went up there, Derek suspected that I was suicidal, and had the whole border patrol out to get me back. Of course, I didn't have those kind of thoughts. I wasn't planning on dying. Not until I laid Anastasia's body to rest.

I'm here now, at the ledge where two of the most important people in my life had fallen to their deaths. I often find myself here on the days when I've woken up from a dream I can't make sense of. And today is no exception. The water is easygoing this time of the month, and I'm careful not to step too close to the edge where the surface is crumbling even more than before, and falling down into the ravine.

It was never her fault for what happened to Gisele. And deep down I know that Gisele herself would not have blamed her. It was this unpredictable ledge that really took both their lives, and as I stare into the depths of the stream, I wonder what it must have been like for her, knowing how I always blamed her for what happened to my fated mate. Did she feel like it was payback as her body made the descend? I hope that in Heaven, Gisele would find her and reassure her that it was never her fault.

In hindsight, maybe Gisele knew all along. She knew that what I felt for Ana was more than just a love shared between friends. After all, I knew Ana longer than I knew her, and my heart had already been drifting towards Ana long before I met Gisele. I remember those times she tried to talk sense into me. Those "You shouldn't treat her like that." or the "Maybe we should call Ana.". It's almost as if Gisele was trying to make Ana a bigger part of my life, even when I refused. Even when we found out that we were fated mates.

Did she see what I failed to see? Gisele was intuitive like that, so it had to make sense why she insisted we keep Ana around. Or why, that one time during game night, she left us alone for longer than usual.

~

I'd just lost my father a week ago, and wasn't in the mood for any of these stupid games. The corners of my hand of cards were kinking in as I clutched them with all the irritation I was feeling.

I can't believe Gisele agreed to this! Why on Earth would she accept Anastasia's suggestion to have a game night - for old time's sake - when I'm still grieving the death of a parent. And her, of all people! It's her fault after all! Why was she there that night?

"I'm gonna grab some snacks from the kitchen," Gisele said as she placed her cards face-down on the table and stood, "want anything? Ana?"

"No thanks," was both our replies, but Gisele still left us alone. Anastasia puts down a nine-of-hearts, but I'm reluctant match her card with a spade. In fact, if it wasn't for Gisele, I wouldn't even be in the same room as her.

"It's your turn," Ana whispers, looking down at the stack of cards we've already played.

"I know," I bark, "I'm waiting for Gisele."

Anastasia keeps her eyes down, but she opens her mouth to say, "about what happened the other night -"

The fucking audacity! I think, and slam my cards onto the table before snapping, "Don't even bring it up! You have no right to! You shouldn't have been there, anyway!"

Each word seems to be a slice to her face as she flinches, and I get up and make my way out, only hearing Gisele coming into the living room and asking what happened, before she rushes out to follow me.

"Jake, don't be like that! We were having fun,' she attempts to calm me with a hand on my nape.

"Maybe you were, but I wasn't!" I retort and shake off her hand before making to leave into the woods.

"You're always doing this, Jacob. You're always trying to wipe her out of your life! Stop it now, or you'll regret it in the end!"

"Why should I keep her in my life? She's nothing to me!"

"That's where you're wrong," Gisele stands in front of me to block my way, shoving her pointed finger into my chest, "she's everything to you! She's your best friend! And you need to stop pretending like she doesn't have feelings too!"

~

I was wrong. So wrong. Gisele could see the things I could not. I stare down the ravine as if all my answers are flowing down along the stream, as if I'd miraculously find Anastasia down there, or even Gisele for that matter. I can just imagine Gisele with her hands on her hips, as if I'm a wayward child and needed scolding, telling me "I told you so."

I'm about to lay my wolf down on the ground, when I hear the sound of urgent footsteps coming from behind. I turn to find Derek in his wolf form, his heavy breathing ringing in my ears.

Thinking he's here to check up on me, to make sure I wasn't about to plunge to my death, I grunt through my nose and make to turn back to the ravine. Maybe I didn't act hard enough to convince him that I'd die another day.

'You have to come now,' he says, 'The Alpha Kierren is at our borders.'

'Has he said why he's here?'

Derek shakes his wolf head, 'no. Just that he's here because of Ana.'

Shit! I'm in no way prepared for what's to come. How do I explain that Ana can't meet him, because she's no longer with us?

How am I supposed to face the Alpha and tell him that his daughter is dead? I can't find it in me to do it, although I know that I have to. If this is my reckoning, the moment I get the spear of Kierren's wrath come down on me when he knows that I'm to blame, then so be it.

We quickly make our way back to the den, where I hesitantly dress again to meet Kierren at the border. I let Derek lead, feeling that with each step, I am dreading meeting with him.

We walk out into the open, and just on top of the hill I see the elder man standing there with his hands in the pockets of his slacks. He greets me with a smile, but just before I can return it, I see a mass of red hair emerge from behind him, and I freeze.

Her gray eyes lock with mine, leaving me stunned out of my mind. I'm unable to move, or even blink to make sure that I'm really seeing her, because it's confirmed by the way her eyes seem to light up.

The way I enviously wished for them to light up just for me!

How? How is this possible?

As soon as I'm able to move, I'm always running up the hill to meet them. Kierren says something that's lost to my shocked state, and I walk right passed him and grab her by the shoulders.

"You're alive?!"

"I am," she whispers, and as soon as she confirms it, I wrap my arms around her with the aching need to be engulfed by her warmth - the warmth I thought I lost forever. I hear her sigh on my chest, and feel the way her body relaxes in my embrace, and breathe my own sigh of relief. I inhale deeply, just to make sure I'm not dreaming. Because if I am, I wouldn't want to miss a single detail. If this is a dream, I would hold onto it for as long as I could.