30 SAVE YOU

I FOLLOW BEHIND CYRUS in silence. What happened earlier was too much for me, so I can't even imagine what Cyrus is even going through.

It's already late at night, and the mansion is dead silent. The siblings are also nowhere to be found. While we were driving our way back from the main house, Cyrus explained to me that the mansion would be closed tonight with respect to Luis and Talia's death. I didn't know if I should feel thankful for that, but then I remembered that their deaths were technically their fault, so I shouldn't be feeling anything about them at all. If anything, I should be angry.

"I'll drop you off in your room," I tell Cyrus since I assume that he's tired after everything that happened.

The two of us were walking down the long hallway of the mansion. I was about to turn left since that's where Cyrus's office slash bedroom is, but Cyrus suddenly grabs my hand to stop me.

"Didn't you say you want to sleep with me tonight?" He asks.

Everything that happened today felt so heavy that I didn't even have the strength to feel flustered from his statement. I grab hold of Cyrus's cheek and softly tell him, "You're tired."

"I am." He answers.

"Then you should sleep."

Cyrus puts his hand over mine and looks deeply into my eyes. "Then sleep beside me."

I sigh in defeat and finally nod my head in defeat, "Alright." I say as I pull my hand away from him. "But I am definitely not going to let you sleep in Adam's room." So I grab Cyrus's hand and guide him to his room.

When we arrive, I head inside first, and Cyrus closes the door behind us. The room's a mess. Books and letters are placed in almost every flat surface in the room and cigarette buds are scattered on the floor. There are even a few empty bottles of alcohol on the shelves. It's even worse than the first time I went here.

Well, technically the last time I went here was when I killed president Boris. Of course, I couldn't forget the time I practically grinded on top of him on the sofa. But behind the sexual desire that both of us shared, I also saw a different side of Cyrus that Cyrus doesn't normally show to anyone else.

I saw a glimpse of a weak man who hides behind his gentleman role. Looking at him now, there is nothing gentleman-like about him at all.

"We should arrange those books first," I tell Cyrus. But when I turned to face him, Cyrus suddenly grabs me and pushes me against the door. He kisses me softly first, but then he slides his tongue inside my mouth. He tasted every part of me, and I could almost feel him deep in my throat.

He wraps his arm around my waist, and then he starts caressing my back.

"S-Stop..." I try to say, but Cyrus ignores me. He continues to kiss me until I couldn't breathe anymore, so I had to pull myself away from him. Both of us were panting heavily, but Cyrus leans close to me again and whispers, "More."

Our lips clashed for the second time. Cyrus pulls me even closer, and his hands slid from my back to my lower back. When he reached my ass, my eyes widen from surprise, and I immediately push him away from me.

"I said stop didn't I?" I tell him while I was catching my breath. Cyrus was surprised when he saw my reaction. He must have realized what he had done so he took a step back.

"I-I'm sorry." He says as he immediately turns his back away from me.

I sigh and watch him do his best to avoid me.

"Cyrus," I call out.

Cyrus ignores me so I walk towards him to call out for him again. He still didn't look back at me so I forcefully turned his body towards me so he could face me. As soon as our eyes met, he says, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to...I didn't mean to..."

He struggled to find the right words, so I lean forward to give him a quick kiss on the lips, "I'm fine. See? You just startled me, that's all." I tell him to assure him that I wasn't mad anymore.

He doesn't say anything and suddenly leans his head on my shoulder.

"Where did that tough man that I met go?" I managed to joke, but Cyrus didn't react to it and continued to rest his head on me. Never in my life have I imagine doing this to someone. If someone tried to do something funny to me, I would beat the shit out of them with no hesitation instead of comforting them like what I'm doing now. So doing this is pretty new to me too.

"You always hated being touched. I should have been more cautious." Cyrus suddenly says out of the blue.

I wanted to tell him that that wasn't the case, but then Cyrus adds; "The first time I brought you to your room, I barely touched you but you looked so scared. Then during the slut punishment, you cried. I didn't want to mention it again but I saw the obvious pattern."

Cyrus lifts his head up and looks straight at me.

"Did something happen to you? Were you-" Before Cyrus could even finish his sentence, I moved away from him. For some reason, my heart started beating faster.

"Do you mind?" I ask Cyrus as I walk towards a bottle of whiskey. Though I didn't wait for his reply because I was already chugging it down my throat before he could answer me.

Cyrus watches me as I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand. With the bottle at hand, I sat on the sofa.

"Sit down," I tell him, and Cyrus takes a seat just a few inches away from me. I lift the bottle close to my mouth again, but Cyrus snatches it away from me and finishes it all so I couldn't drink from it anymore. I take a deep breath and stare at the ceiling.

"Whatever you're thinking...it's not true. Nothing happened to me. Or rather, no one did what you think they did to me." I tell Cyrus. I didn't exactly know why I was telling this to him now. What I was about to say was a secret that even my closest friends didn't know. Maybe I feel comfortable because I know that Cyrus wouldn't tell anyone about it. Or maybe because he doesn't even know my real name to begin with.

"I know a lot happened to you today, but would you like to listen to a story?" I ask him.

Cyrus was silent for a second like he really was thinking about it, which I was thankful for because I didn't want to force him to listen to my past after what he did today. But when Cyrus finally decided on an answer, he moves closer to me and nods his head.

The truth is I didn't know if I was ready myself, but I knew that I had to share this with someone at least once. This was a secret that has never been shared with anyone, but I think if I really had to share it with someone, it would be Cyrus. Cyrus allowed me to know about his biggest secret, so I think this is only fair.

"Kristopher," I begin, and it immediately grabs Cyrus's attention because I knew he wasn't expecting me to mention a name. But just like Cyrus, I was surprised as well. I was surprised that I was still able to say his name out loud like this. Saying his name made the hair on my skin stand. I had to take a deep breath so I could continue.

"That's the name of the man...who I was willing to die for," I say without looking back at Cyrus anymore.

The room was silent, and I knew that Cyrus wanted me to continue further with the story. I take another deep breath and close my eyes to imagine his face better, but it's been so long. I couldn't remember what he looked like anymore.

"I've known him since middle school. We were almost inseparable that others even teased us. I took it as a joke, but Kris faced worse things than I did. He was smaller, so people were easy to pick on him. But I protected him with all my life. I scared and beat every bad guy who dared touch him. I was always by his side."

"Were you lovers?" Cyrus suddenly asks, and the question made me smile.

I open my eyes back and look at Cyrus, "We were more than that. He was...my everything."

"Was?" Cyrus asks next.

Kristopher's image shatters in my head after hearing Cyrus's question. Reality kicked in, and I started to remember the familiar feeling of emptiness.

"I went to the military, and that idiot, he said he'd follow me to the ends of the earth. He went to the military with me even though he wasn't cut out for it." I tell him, and the memories came crashing back to me again.

"The other soldiers..." I pause to compose myself. "They were teasing him at first, but the teasing got worse and worse each day. He'd suddenly have bruises, and then he'd have nightmares. I told him to just leave, but he never listens. He never fucking listens."

Anger started burning inside of me that I didn't even notice that I was already clenching on my fist. As I continue telling this story, the image starts becoming clearer and clearer. It was almost as if I was watching it happen again.

"One night I suddenly woke up. I was a heavy sleeper at that time. We had too much training that I'd get knocked out as soon as I got on the bed. But for some reason, I woke up. Then I realized a few of the boys were gone, and so was Kris. I went to the other barracks, and there I saw..."

I stop when I felt Cyrus holding my hand. I look at him, and he reaches out to wipe the tears that I haven't even noticed were already streaming down my cheek. I hold Cyrus's hand back. I was only thinking back, but the memory was so vivid that I felt scared again.

"T-They were all over him. There were at least ten men inside that room, and they were fucking him, three men at a time." I finally reveal, and Cyrus holds my hand tighter.

"I looked straight at him. He looked empty at first, but when he saw me, tears poured out of his eyes, and all I could see was pain. He needed my help, but I panicked. My body trembled and my mind went blank. I...I ran away. I fucking ran away." I say, and Cyrus pulls me close and hugs me.

My hands start trembling, and more tears poured out. Cyrus eases me by stroking my head. I rest my chin on his shoulder and close my eyes so I could continue remembering the events that happened after.

"The next day, Kris was found dead near the woods. He hung himself." I gulp and absorb everything in. I have to continue. I have to finish the story. I have to stop running away from it and face the truth.

"I was so mad at myself. I was such a coward. I wanted to kill myself too to make up for my sin, but I was so angry that I wanted to make things right first. So one night I hid all the weapons, snuck out, and blocked the doors. Then...I burned them all." I say as I let go of Cyrus.

"I sat in front of the burning barracks...and laughed. There were tears, but I just laughed like a madman. Everyone was screaming inside, but I didn't feel a thing. I let them all die, all twenty of them, even the men who didn't do anything. I didn't care anymore."

The room was quiet, but I could almost hear the screams of the men inside the barracks that I burned down into flames. The fire got bigger and bigger inside my head, and in a snap, it all vanishes, and all I could see was the snow falling down on me.

"The next morning everyone was gone. I had my gun with me, and I was ready to go too. I placed the gun on my temple, and I was ready to shoot myself, but the enemy forces arrived. At that time I was still so angry, so I attacked back. There were about twelve of them, and out of pure rage, I just shot and sliced everyone like they weren't even human. I didn't care if I died so I was careless. But I realized how powerful a man who wasn't scared of death was." I look down at my hand and almost saw the tremendous amount of blood that stained it that day.

"I wiped them all out. I was covered in blood and just passed out, and the next thing I knew I was at the hospital bed, and everyone thought I was a sole-survivor after the enemy's attack. They thought I was a hero." I say, and the words made me laugh myself.

"Me...a hero. I couldn't even fucking save the one person who meant more to me than anyone else."

I grab hold of Cyrus' arm and look straight at his eyes, "I shouldn't have run away. I should have gotten my gun and killed everyone in that barracks. But I just..." I lean close to Cyrus, and Cyrus didn't say a word. He just let me continue, but at the same time, he wanted to let me know that he was there, listening to every word that I had to say.

"I loved him so much. But my love for him was not enough to make me brave. I couldn't have stopped it, but I'm just one person. I was just one person. I couldn't save him. He was my everything and I couldn't save him."

I finally stood up from the sofa and walked towards the window to stare at the garden outside. Cyrus didn't say anything and just stood up as well to stand behind me. I could see his reflection in the window, and Cyrus didn't take a step closer, as if he was giving me space. Without removing my eyes from the view outside the window, I finished, "So I continue on living. I have to be reminded of what I did. I realized that I didn't deserve a quick death. I'm just waiting for the right time because I believe that my death will be the sign of Kristopher's forgiveness."

When I finally finished my story, the room was dead silent. Neither of us said anything. I let my tears fall, and for a second I almost saw Kristopher's reflection in the mirror. But when I blinked, it was actually Cyrus. He was still standing behind me.

"You know you're wrong." Cyrus starts as he takes a step closer to me.

When he was only a few inches away from me, he continues, "You're alive...because Kristopher wants you to. You've always protected him, you always have, and Kris didn't want you to think that you failed him."

I wanted to protest, but Cyrus grabs my shoulders and turns me around so I could face him.

"You say your death is a sign that he has forgiven you. Well, you are still alive because there is nothing to forgive. What they did to Kris was not your fault. And the reason why he never told you about it was that you were his everything too. He was never disappointed in you. He didn't kill himself because of that. He definitely had his reasons." He tells me while gripping on my shoulder.

"Then tell me his reason. You're a good liar, right? Then give me a reason. Anything. Even if it's a lie." I practically beg him. So Cyrus leans close to me and whispers, "He didn't love you. That's why he did it."

I grab Cyrus and hug him close to me. Cyrus hugs me back, but his hug was tighter. He didn't want to let go.

"There are things that we will never understand and will never be answered. But their choices are theirs and not ours. I too could not save the people I loved. Until now all I could do is watch some of them suffer. But it's never too late to save the rest of the people who we can still reach." Cyrus tells me.

His shoulder was already getting wet because of my tears, but Cyrus didn't mind it at all. He continues to hug me as he says, "You are a strong and brave man. and I have never once doubted you. And even though I didn't know him, I know that Kristopher saw that in you too."

Cyrus pulls away from the hug and looks at me. Then he leans forward and gently kisses my forehead.

"Don't cry now, okay?" He says, and I lean close to him and kiss his lips. Then I touch his cheek and say, "Then I won't make the same mistake again. I won't run away anymore."

Cyrus puts his hand over mine as I continue, "This time...I will save you no matter what."