Keeping it alive

It was over. Everything was gone. My heart was in continuous pain and sadness I never experienced.

Actually, I didn't feel anything at first. I was trying to convince myself that there is a reason we can't marry. I told myself 'Stop wining about it, idiot. It's not the end of the world'. But relationships haunt you far more than you realize. Especially the good ones. Yes, the good ones. They fill you with immense of happiness, but the moment they leave you, they make you vulnerable. They become toxin of your life. That toxin spread in your body, your mind and make you feel suffocated. They make your heart break into thousand pieces and then millions. It doesn't stop because you don't want to stop, because that's how much good they're. I feel like crying over silly things.

I miss him every second of my life. No, actually I never miss him, he is always there with me. It makes me sad when I realize that I can't hear his silly jokes anymore, nobody will fight with me anymore. And I have nobody to wish 'good mornings' anymore. But I'm trying to convince myself that I'm a strong woman, and I need stay sane. So, I tried to keep myself strong. I was able to be even happy for a while and thought of searching for a new life partner. It felt easy. And then I went on a date. That's when it hit me. Hit me hard. I cried, I cried like a baby in front of an unknown guy, and he didn't even knew why I was crying. Deep down in my heart, the barrier was broken. The sadness, anger, rage everything came out like a storm.

Are breakups that hard? I had seen people going through it, overcome it. Why is it so hard for me, that can't even breathe?

'When I close my eyes, I see you,

When I open them why there's still     you?

My dreams no longer remember you,

Then why does my future still   fantasies you?

In the darkness of love in my heart, I still find the traces of rainbows,

after all that happened, why do I still love you?'