Ep. 37 – Hogwarts, Old Goat-Lover

We were currently following an old-style red train, running on tracks in the middle of nowhere. I would like to say it here, but just by looking at the train with my semblance, I can already tell that magic here is a joke. They can't even build a fucking train right! Look at that! So inefficient! The old fucks found a way to use a leyline, move it and slightly change its direction to suit their needs, and can't build a fucking battery to story the energy?! Bullshit!

Ahem, anyway… As I was saying, we are following the Hogwarts Express. The thing is slow, so we moved to the common room. I started building a small library since we will surely have to buy all sorts of books. I really want to go to some Antique store and see if I can get some nice, old book. Maybe an exploration journal or a travel diary? Those are my favorites apart from sci-fi. They just make your imagination run wild with every page. I haven't come in contact with magic yet, but I believe it should be less damaging than a laser-cannon back in the Destiny universe. Spoiler alert: I am planning on ransacking some old, ancestral house of whatever-the-fuck-they-are-called and get their books and maybe trinkets if something catches our eye. Oh, Knockturn Alley is on my wish-list as well. Who knows how many books I can find there…

Oh, on a side note. Since staying on the ship is boring in the long run since everything is so… sterile and white, I had previously built a room that can emulate different environments. Want some exotic, sandy beaches? I got them. Want some snowy peak? I can work with that. Well, you get the idea. It's ideal for a quick vacation and while flying.

After shadowing the Hogwarts Express for an excruciatingly long time, we finally reached the legend, the myth, the place itself! Wait, I got the order wrong. Anyway, we reached the 'Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry'.

"Guys, you've got to see this!" I said.

"Idiot! We are seeing this! Now shut up and don't ruin the moment!" said Summer, Ruby's Ghost for those that don't remember.

The castle was… imposing. We went to Beacon and that was just wow, but this… This just has another vibe to it. It just screams 'Magic!' to anyone that sees it. That and it seems particularly impractical. I pulled up a separate display and started zooming in on the 'unknown magicians'.

"Kids. We're at a school. And we are here to learn. How do we go about this? We are too old to actually enroll judging by the pimpled faces down there. And we are too late for the term anyway. Oh, and let's not forget the part about coming from a different universe."

"How about we go in and hope the headmaster is like Ozpin?" said Ruby.

"I wouldn't bet on it. Look at that." I said, zooming in on the witch at the entrance of the castle. "She seems even stricter than Glynda, which is something to be proud of."

"Then how about we show up tomorrow morning making a lot of noise and demand to talk to the headmaster? Then we can invent some excuse to get us access to the lessons and library. They do have a library, right?" said Jaune.

"That is a valid idea, though we risk that they identify us as hostiles. Going in with a bang might be an option. And, I guess they do have a library. A magic library!"

"Are you two muscle-heads or something? We can just calmly ask for a meeting and explain, with a lie, that we want access to the library. We can even pay them. Remember that we have a literal walking gold mine with us." Said Blake.

"You know what, you're right Blake. Let's go down. We'll talk calmly. If that doesn't work, we get the hell out of here, then plan a night raid and ste- borrow indefinitely all the books they have." I said, considering our chances of getting what we want.

'If the old goat-fucker is secretly dark Dumbles, then there are two possibilities: he'll let us stay and manipulate our minds, which should be defendable using a 'Well of Radiance' though I will have to modify it, or he will throw us out and send somebody on our tracks so that we don't interfere with his plan. If Mr. Too-many-names is the good Dumbles, there are several options depending on what he needs, but the result will always be us staying in Hogwarts. Hm… Okay, I'm done with modifying the 'Well of Radiance'. Now it is inconspicuous and doesn't require me to bring around a flaming sword, though it will give me a sun tattoo on the back of my hand. I can deal with that.'

"Okay, just in case they see us as enemies, keep your armors on. Don't touch your weapons, but bring them along. Since I am worried about mind-fuckery magic, stay close to me. I'll use an ability to block any kind of manipulation. If you feel something is wrong, break eye contact immediately and yell 'Mind!'. We will then get the hell out of there. Wow, this brings back memories to all those missions at Beacon. Good old times." I said, reminiscing about the last part. Being there wasn't bad at all. It was actually fun if not for the studying, but I'm a living cheat and used my exo brain to process everything as quickly as possible.

I'm digressing. We got ready and trasmated to the ground, right behind the group. Nobody noticed our presence since it was raining in the evening. I signaled to the gang to stay quiet and not alert anybody. I wanted to spook the students. They had no play in our 'mission', which meant I could have some fun with them.

We followed them until we were faced with McGonagall.

"Hagrid, who would our guests be?" she asked while moving her hand towards her wand and glaring at us.

"Guests? Wha- Did I drink too much? Could've sworn there was no one back there…" He started saying, then mumbling.

"No, Mr. Hagrid, you didn't drink too much. Let's just say that we arrived only recently. May I ask your name?" I said to Hagrid then turned to McGonagall.

"I am Minerva McGonagall, Deputy Headmistress here at the 'Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry����. I will repeat my question: 'Who would you be?'"

"I told you she would be stricter than Glynda! Ahem! Sorry for that. We are guests, as you said Ms. McGonagall. We would like to speak with the Headmaster directly. I believe it would be easier that way. Ah, I assure you that we don't have any hostile intentions, as long as we are not threatened." I said, trying to sound as agreeable as possible. 'Ugh, this is hard. Should I just go full creep mode? Well, I do want to spook little Harry…'

"I see. Would you mind waiting inside while I inform the Headmaster? I am sure that would be better than staying outside in this weather."

"Oh, that would be marvelous!" 'How the fuck am I speaking!' "Ahem. We will take you up on that offer." I said, while wondering from where that 'marvelous' came from. 'I got too much into the character.'

The gang and I moved inside. We must look quite intimidating to these first year students.

"I pity these kids. Tula is surely going to do something." Said Weiss while shaking her head.

"Dear, what could you ever mean? I would never do something like that."

"Take your helmet off and look into a mirror. I am sure you have your usual stupid smile." Said Yang.

"Oh, but you love my smi-"

"Not your creepy one when you want to mess with people!" interrupted Ruby.

"Oh, I got discovered! Well, I will restrain myself until this Headmaster receives us." I said. Then I looked over to Harry. 'Heh, he's freaked out.'

"Blake, that kid has two souls, just like in that book you were reading at Beacon." I said to the kitty, pointing towards Harry.

"First, you still remember that? Second, where?! I need to see if it's how the book described it!" she said, looking over to the poor kid. He was shocked stiff.

Then a little figure moved towards us

"Sorry! Are you guys wizards?!" asked the bushy-haired, buck-teethed, ever-curious Hermione.

"Chill kiddo. No, do we seriously look like those dusty old wizards? Nah, we're better!" said Sun patting her head. The girl seemed to enjoy the pat before remembering that it was a complete stranger and retreated.

"Then who are you?" she asked

"Curious, are we? Well, we are space magicians!" I said.

"What, like 'Star Wars'? Are you jedi?" said another boy somewhere in the crowd.

"What's 'Star Wars'? Sounds like fun!" said Yang.

"Kid, are the jedi the good ones?" I asked, feigning ignorance. 'If he answers like I think he will, I will have fun. A lot of fun.'

"Yeah, why?"

"And the bad guys?"

"They are the sith and the empire, why?" he asked, a little confused.

"I see, I see. Then we are the sith."

Weiss came and slapped my head. Yang kneed my stomach, while Ruby started strangling me.

"Don't scare the kid! Look at him! He's shak- Oh, he fainted." Said Weiss.

"If you wanted to do this, you could have at least waited until tomorrow!" said Yang.

The others were just laughing at my misfortune. 'Curse you! I'll have my revenge!'

Then McGonagall arrived and saw the scene. Then she just had to be loud and scare everyone even more.

"What is happening here! Silence, everybody!" she looked around then continued, "Our Headmaster has invited you to enjoy dinner with us, please follow me in the Great Hall. As for you all, follow me, the Sorting Ceremony will start soon."

Then Pyrrha inclined her head and asked: "Do you mind me asking what this Sorting ceremony is?"

McGonagall looked confused for just a split second before going into full teacher mode: "The Sorting Ceremony will decide the 'House' in which the students will spend the next seven years. There are four houses with four different basic principles. You will be able to see it in a few moments."

"Oh, that reminds me of Initiation. Ah, walking in a forest infested with monsters… Good old times." She said, just loud enough for everyone to hear. 'She's evil. She's definitely either enjoying this or completely clueless… Upon taking a second look, I'd say she is clueless. Stay the same, Pyrrha.'

Well, I certainly won't let the chance slip away: "Oh, yeah. That was nice. Like when Jaune was launched away by that Death Stalker." I said that more for the name of the monster: 'Death Stalker' just sounds intimidating.

"Yeah, don't remind me. I'm embarrassed every time I think about that small fry." Said Jaune, his shoulders drooping. Well, Pyrrha hugged his arm and he perked up immediately.

Anyway, we followed a secretly very amused McGonagall into the Great Hall and were followed by a mass of scared, shivering children.

'Ooh, look at the old goat-fucker. His beard is majestic. Gotta give it to him, he must work on it very meticulously. Oh, hey there Snapey-boy. God, his hair is greasy as fuck! Did he seriously put a spell on it or is it simply that he jumped in a pot of oil before coming here? And how could I forget Voldy back there. I am so going to slap the shit out of Quirrelmort while I'm here.'

Looks like we attracted quite the attention since we were all wearing strange armor and helmets. There were some that were ogling at our girls, but a good old death glare by me and the bois got them to stop… since they were shivering and about to shit their pants.

'Now then, who are you? The good Dumbles or the dark Dumbles. I might just eliminate him if he's the dark Dumbles.'

"Welcome guests, I will be happy to meet with you after dinner. For now, why don't you join us here at the teachers' table?" The Santa knock-off said, standing up and showing us some free seats that were no doubt just arranged.

I looked over to my friends and they all nodded, so we accepted and sat down, turning our armor in under-armor.

"Hey, they're young!"

"Who are they?"

"The girls ar-" This one was glared at. Pretty intensely.

"Those guys are cool!" I expected our wives to glare at the girl, but they just looked proud. 'Hell yeah, we get the compliments for our ego! Wait, that sounds depressing now that I think about it.'

"Hey… aren't those cat ears?" That guy earned a serious death glare and a knife lodged in front of his plate.

Dumbledore seeing that couldn't just sit still and watch, so he tried to get the students distracted.

"Now, now students. We will have time to speak with our guests." We shook our heads at that. Who wants to talk to some magic brats?

"But for now, we should start the Sorting Ceremony! Minerva, if you would…"

McGonagall nodded and started unrolling a scroll.

"What will they do? A fight?" asked Sun.

"Maybe some magical creature?" added Jaune.

"Oh, I want to smash some dragon heads! They have dragons here, right?! Asked Nora.

"Maybe, we can ask after this." Said Ren to appease her.

"Whatever it is, it must be magical." Said Blake.

Yang, Ruby, and Weiss were just sitting there, drinking from their calices. I wasn't too worried about potions and such as I was using my… how should I call it? 'Tattoo of Radiance'? It sucks but it's literally that, so it will work out. Anyway, I was using my 'Tattoo of Radiance' to constantly protect us from anything there might be inside our dinner.

I was looking forwards to seeing this in real life… So that I could scare those unsuspecting sheep. Did I say sheep? I meant students. 'Today I am being more sadistic than usual. Well, I enjoy it so there is no harm in continuing.'

After our comments, McGonagall started calling the first name.

"Abbott, Hannah."

"Ooh, let's watch! Maybe the hat is possessed by something like a Geist…" Sun said. Guess he wanted to tease the girl a little. Bad move.

"Look, you made her cry! Recognize your targets man: not little girls, not people with respiratory problems, and not people with heart diseases. Everyone else is fair game." I said. "Don't worry little Hannah, the hat won't eat you. Probably. Will it?" I said to the girl, then turned to Dumbles.

"No. It. Won't." He said, probably restraining himself from shouting in public. 'Appearances, appearances… Am I right or am I right?'

Then McGonagall came to the rescue: "If they are so worried for the safety of the students, our guests could try the hat themselves."

"Depends, what does that piece of cloth do?" said Ruby, disappearing in a burst of rose petals and reappearing next to the stool, just to poke the thing.

"Hey, little girl! Don't poke me!" the hat shouted.

"Destroy the abomination!" Ruby shouted, taking her scythe out.

No, she didn't. She simply looked amused and curious: "How does this work? Magic? We really need to learn it if we can make stuff this cool. A talking scythe would be epic!"

McGonagall was confused for a moment: "What do you mean 'need to learn'? You aren't wizards and witches? And you found Hogwarts?"

"Oh, that. Anyone with a decent brain and a map of the leylines in Britain would be able to find this place. Might be protected from magic but not from technology. So, to answer your questions: we came here to learn magic, even though we are a tad bit too old, and we are not wizards or witches, yet." I answered

There was complete silence until Ruby sat on the stool: "So, do I put this thing on or what?"

"No, that won't be necessary. Why don't we continue with the sorting." Said Dumbles.

The evening continued with some occasional comments by me and Sun, though the kids learned that we were just teasing them, so the reactions got less interesting. Since I was bored, I tried talking with Quirrelmort. He was not amused. 'Seriously, what a shitty actor. Well, I have basically perfected the dao of bullshitting my way through stuff, so I can't really judge him objectively. Still, can't he hide it better. Like, I even called him Quirrelmort and he still responded. Is he unaware that Dumbledore is literally less than ten meters from him. Ah, who cares.'

We enjoyed the food though everyone would have preferred some spicy ramen. That restaurant in the Last City is hella good. I glanced at my interface from time to time and I found that there was something strange in the dessert: a potion to make people calm down, almost a very diluted sleeping draught. Well, my 'Tattoo of Radiance' removed all traces of the potion as I expected, so no reason to worry. I will ask about this to put Dumbles on the spot. In his office maybe, to either have him show his true colors or get the upper hand in negotiations. Why do I say negotiations? Well, I am asking access to a magical library, I don't really mind it being for free, but there is no free lunch in this world. Or any other.

Anyway, after dinner the Headmaster did his little madman speech and finished with his "Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!" Never understood what that meant and I don't really care anymore. I just want my magic. We were told to follow him to his office, but there weren't enough chairs. Well, I brought out some comfy chairs I had in my inventory. They were originally in the chalet, but when we ended up remodeling, they didn't fit anymore. In terms of style, not space.

I'm digressing. We arrive in the goat-fucker's office, took our seats and waited for him to talk.

"So, what can I do for you Mr…" he started

"Oh, we didn't present ourselves, did we? I am Tula."

"I am Yang, his wife!"

"I am Weiss, also his wife."

"And I am Ruby, the last wife!"

"I am Jaune."

"I'm Pyrrha, his wife" she said pointing at Jaune.

"I'm Ren. And this is Nora, my wife."

"Aw, I wanted to say that!"

"Blake."

"I am Sun, her husband!"

Dumbledore had a blank stare, probably thinking about why we told him who is whose wife/husband. That was just asserting dominance. It doesn't make sense, does it?

"Very well then, Mr. Tula. What can I do for you today?"

"You see, Mr. Headmaster, we come from far away, as you can probably tell after seeing our armor, and we want to study magic. I don't know of any institution worldwide that accepts students in their twenties, actually I know nothing of magic and just followed the train until here. Anyway, what you could do is allowing us to look through your school's library if you have one, which I guess you do, and maybe allow us to attend some classes we are interested in. We won't be a disturbance at all (Like hell goat-lover!) that is certain."

He looked thoughtful for a minute.

"You do know that students pay their fees-"

"Is gold fine as payment?" I said, plopping on his desk a few kilos of pure gold.

"Yes, gold is fine. Welcome to Hogwarts Mr. Tula and companions. Feel free to use our library and classrooms. I believe you require some rooms?"

"Rooms?" I asked looking at the gang. Seeing that they nodded, I said: "Rooms. Four of them. Possibly in the same area of the castle."

"Certainly! I will tell the elves to prepare the rooms. Would the Ravenclaw Tower suit your tastes?"

"Yes, that will be fine."

Anyway, we exited Dumble's office as he giggled like a madman looking at the gold.

"Did we just buy our way into the school?" asked Jaune.

"That we did, Jaune."

"Cool. Ever told you you're the best friend I could ask for along with Ren and Sun?"

"I think you did, but you can tell me again!"

"Well, you are the best friend I could ask for along with Ren and Sun. Thanks for being my friend."

"No problem, I'm happy you are my friend as well."

"Are we just going to ignore the fact that the Headmaster is still giggling like a maniac for some gold?" asked Weiss, creeped out by the old creep.

"Well, I did just leave him almost 20 kilos of gold, plus he's old, probably senile. Just leave him be." I said, then I stretched a little. "Ah, now we can study magic however we want. Studying though isn't a real adventure, so we should come up with something to do."

We walked a little then me and Sun stopped a moment. We looked at each other and grinned.

"Thinking what I'm thinking?" he asked.

"Probably, what are you thinking?"

"Treasure hunt."

"Treasure hunt." I repeated and nodded. 'Guess I know what we are going to do for the next while. Actually, now that I think about it, isn't Hogwarts warded? They should have better wards than my Hive-derived ones, so how did we not get fried before even touching the surface? Could it be that slight tickle I felt when we trasmated? Was that all?!'