Chapter 112 - Tender Reflection

That night, Ao Wen lay with her head on Feng Xi's soft thighs as she processed the many events of the past several days. Training in the rain had been novel and finding ways to ground herself with earth while in the slick mud had presented a challenge that Jun Biyu had never needed to face. Everything about earth energy had felt almost slippery like she had to reach through the surrounding layer of water before she could touch solid ground, and developing her control in that environment had taken extra attention and focus. 

Beyond that, she'd found that the foundation techniques of the Obsidian Night Scorpion's Saber Art responded strangely to her dragon bloodline's not-so-subtle urging with some unexpected results. The dragon in her disliked being as passive as Impenetrable Claws called for in the manual. Rather than allowing blows to rain down on her solid defenses, the dragon in her wanted to fight back, meeting force with force. It had taken hours of practice with Zhang Bai and Tang Jin before she found that changing the angle of her deflections to force her opponent's blade downward provided the sense of triumph and dominance that her bloodline demanded of her if she wanted to draw out every bit of her earthen might. 

Once she'd grasped that, she'd been able to begin work on the technique that typically belonged to late-stage Brawlers, Heartseaking Sting. Her inner dragon all but sang at the dominance of the strike that emulated a scorpion's stinger, starting from high overhead and driving all of the body's weight and forward momentum into a powerful thrust that aimed to pierce through the heart of the opponent. Thus far, she had only scratched the surface of the technique and couldn't come close to threatening an actively evading opponent, but the power she'd been able to demonstrate against Zhang Bai's barriers showed the immense promise of the technique if she could master it. 

"What are you thinking about?" Feng Xi asked, tenderly stroking Ao Wen's hair. "You feel distant but not in the way you were a few days ago."

"I think training in the rain was a perfect idea," Ao Wen replied, snuggling deeper into Feng Xi's comforting touch. "It's forcing me to learn new ways to do things, things Jun Biyu never had to do. I'm also getting more in touch with my Earth Dragon bloodline. Even though I learned a lot about dragons from Mother Cong, she was a member of the Fire Dragon clan and I'm finding that my inner dragon resonates with things that are very different from the way I'd thought of dragons before."

"What's different about being an Earth Dragon instead of a Fire Dragon," Feng Xi asked gently. "Besides the obvious." 

"Mother Cong used to talk about the impulse to destroy," Ao Wen explained. "When she turned her fury onto something, or even when she acted out of necessity, the pure destruction she could bring to bear was terrifying."

"But you don't find that you have that impulse?" Feng Xi said, pausing her stroking to assess the emotions she felt radiating from Ao Wen. Thankfully, what she felt from Ao Wen sang in her ears more like bright curiosity rather than dark uncertainty or fear. Ao Wen felt like someone excited to discover her own power more than she felt like someone intimidated by entering unfamiliar territory. 

"I don't feel a compulsion to destroy like Mother Cong described," Ao Wen answered. "Rather, the thing that seems to resonate is the ability to dominate. It comes to me the most in fights when I'm able to use raw strength or superior leverage to physically overpower Jin and Bai. There's something about being an unstoppable force that maybe excites me more than it should," she continued a little hesitantly. "But I don't think it's a bad thing."

"How did that align with what you did today? You spent all day working as a healer," Feng Xi said, gazing into Ao Wen's amber eyes, relieved to find them clear and free of distress. "Did that resonate with your dragon bloodline or your mother's Vermillion Bird bloodline? Did it pull you back toward life as Cong Daiyu?"

"Honestly, I think I understand what Mother Cong meant about Dragon Pride becoming a trap for healers," Ao Wen said with a sigh. "There's a thrill of conquering illness that resonates just as much as crushing Bai's barriers did. I don't feel any guilt about taking pride in crushing something that causes a person to suffer but there's a frustration at encountering a problem I can't do anything about," she added with a frown. "Mother Cong talked about feeling compelled to destroy Yin Fiend Transformation Sickness and the method she developed used her dragon flames and alchemy flames to eradicate any trace of the disease from her patients. I can see how her compulsion to destroy a disease turned into an obsession that let her be the first person to find a way to treat it. I think there's something similar there in me, but it's less destructive and more like a frustration that something is stronger than me and defying me."

"When you were treating people today, did it feel like you'd returned to your days as Cong Daiyu or did it feel like you were building memories for Ao Wen?" Feng Xi asked directly. "If it's helping you the way that training in the rain is building memory that's distinct from Jun Biyu then I'm fine with you having more clinic days like today," she continued, concern nestled between her brows. "But if days like today are pulling you back into Cong Daiyu's life, then even if the City Lord wants you to build your reputation as a healer, I think you should reject too much more time like today. It's more important that you find a way to be yourself than anything else City Lord Zhang might want to achieve."

"I think it's fine," Ao Wen said after several moments of reflection. "Sometimes, I have these moments where things feel, I guess dissonant is the best word," she said. "I'll find myself looking at something that feels familiar but isn't, or a child reminds me of someone I treated as Cong Daiyu and I'll feel a little lost, maybe even something that's a touch painful," she added. "But I'm learning things about how Spirit Folk are different from Humans. The more I practice healing the people of Turning Leaf the more I feel like I'm becoming a different sort of healer from Cong Daiyu. I'm seeing the unique ways that we're different from humans and how I'll have to change my treatments to make up for that. It's different than fighting a never-ending battle against a cursed plague," she said, shadows of her days in crowded plague tents and battlefield medical stations flickering through her mind. "This is healthier for me," she concluded. "Even if I have to push through a few disorienting moments of discomfort, or I'm provoking my inner dragon into an attempt to crush the ailments of my patients," she added with a smile. "It feels like the kind of pain that goes with recovery, not the kind of pain that goes with making an injury worse," she reassured Feng Xi with more confidence than she actually felt. This had to be the way forward, she just needed to push through the uncomfortable moments to come out the other side. She'd given that advice to countless patients and she intended to take her own advice now. 

"As long as that's the case then I'll support you however you need," Feng Xi said with a smile. "Just don't push yourself too hard," she added, still worried at how many hours Ao Wen was pouring into her attempts to distance herself from her lives as Cong Daiyu and Jun Biyu. "We have all the time in the world to take things as slow as we need to."

"I know," Ao Wen said, sitting up to pull Feng Xi into a fierce embrace. "As long as I have you and my loved ones, I know I can conquer this and anything else I need to."