The Stick of Destiny

'What the fuck…'

Thoughts swirled in my mind, heaven was real? 

'No shit Sherlock, you've been pretending to be an Angel it's no fucking wonder that heaven has taken notice.' 

I looked at the golden spear in my hands and frowned. It didn't look familiar to me. Either it was something that Rowling never talked about in the books but heavily implied or this was another one of those crossover bullshit situations. The spear looked to be made out of solid gold, yet a small test with my venom told me that it was anything but. My venom could melt everything except goblin silver, and this spear was obviously not silver or goblin made. 

-So you're the new wielder.-

I almost dropped the spear when I heard it begin to talk. I glared at the innocent looking weapon in my hand. 

-What's the matter? Never seen a Sacred Gear before?-

"NOOO GOD! NO GOD, PLEASE! NO! NO! NOOOOOOO!" (AN: Insert The Office Theme) 

'Fucking fuck, FUCKING FUCK MY FUCKING LIFE FUCKING FUCKITY FUCK!' 

I had only ever heard that bullshit term mentioned once before. In an anime that I had been told about by a degenerate friend. I should have known that when a degenerate tells me to watch an anime for the 'plot' that said plot would literally be nothing but reality defying tits and borderline porn. 

"Errr right, could you please repeat what you just said? I'm not sure I heard you correctly." I tried to maintain a calm and collected voice. 

-I asked if you've ever seen a Sacred Gear before.-

"Ah, I was afraid that was what you said…" 

-What makes you say that?-

'The bullshit fucking show you come from.' "Reasons, mainly your origin and what it entails." 

-This spear is the True Longinus, it have the abilit

"Yes I know, I know exactly what this spear is. My question is who you are and why you're here." 

-I am known by many names, Adonai, Elohim, Yahweh. My soul is housed in this spear. The very spear that pierced my sons side. After my fall this spear was given to a mortal by Azrael the Angel of Death.-

"Tha- that actually makes an annoying amount of sense… let me guess Azrael also gifted a cloak and a stone to this mortals brothers?" 

-Indeed, the funeral shroud that covered my son's body as well as my son's crystallized blood. Each granting the bearer an ability that I had when I had a physical form.- 

"This is making too much sense, I hate it. Please kill me and just send me to hell for impersonating one of your angels. An eternity drowning in fire and brimstone is much preferable to the headache this is going to be in the long run." 

-You have already been acknowledged by Michael, your name written in the book of angels no doubt. I have also chosen you to become my host.-

"No." 

I didn't care if they knew my name from before I got shanghaied into this mess.

-What do you mean no?-

"I mean no, do you want to hear me say it in Spanish? NOH!" 

-Why?-

"Like I said, it's going to be a headache and way too much of a hassle." 

-But you need not do anything?-

"Eh?" 

-You need not interact with the devils and fallen. Were you not paying attention earlier? You're just tasked with keeping balance to the mortal world.-

"Yeah that sounds like I'll have to deal with bullshit." 

-The way you've been doing things should be enough. Preventing deaths and punishing evil.-

"Alright fine, I won't argue with gaining more power. However I refuse to deal with the devils and the fallen. I am my own man and I will not bow to anyone." 

-Fair enough, what now?-

"Could you go back to being a wand? I'd rather have a wand than a spear at the moment."

-Very well.-

The spear flashed gold and when the light was gone the Elder Wand was once again in my hand. The wand looked different now though. It had gone from a dirty gray color to an almost bleached white with golden runes etched on the sides. The wand flashed briefly before disappearing. 

-The True Longinus is now tied to your soul. You can call it back and forth when you wish.-

"I could have already done that with my hammerspace…" 

[Scene Break]

Finding out that I had been transmitigated into the body of a basilisk in the Harry Potter universe had been a shock. Realizing that this universe was tied with another fantasy universe and potentially more was downright terrifying. Having those fears doubly confirmed as being a reality with the inclusion of DxD made me want to suck start a fucking shotgun Curt Cobain style. 

Pseudo-immortal dark lords and vampires were bad enough, now I had to deal with devils, gods, and actual fucking angels. I may have been powerful but I highly doubt I could stand up to 60% of the assholes in the DxD universe without serious bodily harm. I'm being generous with that estimated percentage too. I reckon my chances of survival dropped from 90% all the way down to 25%. Not even the fucking spear that housed Gods soul would be able to save me if I caught the attention of one of the overpowered dickwads in any of the factions. 

The way I saw it, I had two choices: Get stronger so that I can defend myself if need be or run away and fade into anonymity. There was no way in hell I was joining any faction. That would make trying to survive exponentially more difficult. I wasn't even all that familiar with the newly introduced world. I had watched the damn show thinking there was an actual plot. I didn't make it past the first episode in terms of actually paying attention. My focus was solely on the main female lead. 

I had have a weak spot for redheads with melon cannons, fucking sue me. 

I've been using the word 'vaguely' a lot recently, but this goes beyond that. My knowledge of what goes on in the story was nonexistent. I only knew that there was something involving chess, a douchebag named Richard or something, dragons, and way too many women with gravity defying jugs. 

'Keep calm, this is as bad as it's going to get… Murphy don't you fucking dare.' 

I got up from where I had fallen over in pain. Bodies with pools of blood beneath them scattered around me. Grindelwald's corpse nearby. I grabbed the corpse and apparated to Diagon Alley and dropped the body in the middle of the street before apparating away. 

'That's someone else's problem to deal with now.' 

Appearing in the middle of nowhere I looked around and frowned. This was the location of where my house was before I got snakified. Currently it was nothing but grasslands for miles around. I knew some of the houses in my neighborhood had been built in the early 1900s so this was strange for me. I didn't know why I was so thankful for my original world not existing. Maybe it was my consciousness reasoning that I wouldn't have to deal with time travel shenanigans. 

Next I apparated to New York and looked around for a news stand to get some information. Nodding at the vendor I glanced at the papers scanning the front page articles. 

'Stuff about impending war… passive aggressive racism… more stuff about potential war… something about military trials for an experimental drug.'

'With Grindelwald dead and gone before WWII fully picks up it shouldn't be as bad right? Oh who am I kidding, humans are terrible at everything and have only ever been good at killing each other.' 

'Maybe I should fuck off to a deserted island and just hide out… yeah that sounds like a fantastic ide- nah fuck that. It'll be boring as all hell. So what the fuck do I do?' 

I wasn't inherently lazy, but I also wasn't going to do anything that drew attention… more attention to me than I had already done. Killing Grendelwald would no doubt alert Dumbledore that something was going on. I still wasn't sure of his standpoint. I didn't have very high hopes that he wasn't a sociopath though. Letting a zoologist deal with a dark lord because he was 'committed' to something else didn't really paint him in a good light. 

-You could go to Ja

'If you say I should go to Japan I will actually suck start a shotgun.'

-What's the matter? You would find great entertainment in the supernatural community there.-

'We're not going to Japan yet and that's the end of that discussion.'

-Yet?-

'Yet, as in I am nowhere near strong enough to deal with gods, devils and angels.' 

-You have me…-

'Which will put a massive fucking target on my back.-

-Very well, we shall train first then.-

'I need to get back to Hogwarts first, gotta make sure that Tom and Dumblecunt don't do anything rash.'

-Then we train.-

'I didn't even agree to that, I just want to live a relaxed life free from bullshit. I have that currently, but…

-You'll eventually run into problems along the way.-

'Have I ever told you about how much I fucking hate that you're in my head?' 

-I am God.-

'Don't care, you're basically a soul possessing a weapon now. Also I am not calling you God, or My Lord, or whatever name you have.' 

-Then what will you call me?-

'Fuck if I know, I could call you Gregorny.'

-Please don't-

'Well you need a name, and I'm ass at naming things.' 

-I will remain silent until you call for me.-

I chuckled, "I can check off having annoyed a god enough to get them to shut up." 

I felt the True Longinus pouting within my soul. Didn't know how, I just knew that it was. I apparated back to Hogwarts directly in the Chamber. I had a lot of plans to make and to revise with the introduction of DxD into this world. I needed to make sure that I was strong enough to hold my own so that I could do what I want without getting bodied by supernatural assholes. To do that I'd need to train, and I absolutely LOATHED training. 

It wasn't that I was lazy, no. I liked to relax, I didn't mind working out, and I enjoyed the occasional strenuous activities of carnal pleasure. I just hated how monotonous and repetitive training was. 

Who in their right mind would do repeated movements over and over again just in case they might have to use it one day. Bruce Lee may have been a legendary martial artist but he was full of shit. 

'Fear not the man who practiced a thousand different moves, but the man who practiced one move a thousand times… MY FUCKING ASS.' 

Why be amazing at one move when you can kick the shit out of someone a thousand different ways. I don't know what kind of giggle grass that guy was smoking but clearly he's never seen a UFC cage match. Everyone is a badass until they get fucking kicked in the mouth by a 5'8" 150lb. Irish dude who's built like a bitmoji. 

I packed up some clothes and bid Freya farewell. I also locked every entrance to the chamber with my blood before making them invisible with the Elder Wand. There was no way 'Mr. Tom a Dildo Lover' was getting in here. Once I was sure my countermeasures were impenetrable I apparated to Slytherin Manor to check on the place. I had nearly forgotten that I actually had property in England and that I had left Helena in charge. She had passed away a long time ago now at this point but her ghost still haunted the manor. 

"Brother." She greeted me at the door. 

"Helena." I smiled. 

"Took you long enough to get home." 

"Sorry about that, I got distracted." 

"By what?" 

"A talking spear, a gay terrorist, and an aspiring Dark Lord." 

She sighed before drifting down lower so that she was at my eye level. 

"You know I could never understood your jokes right?" 

"Oh I'm actually quite serious dear sister. I just came by to check up on the house and to give dad my greetings." 

Helena nodded and faded away, I walked into the house and looked around. Most of the furniture had been covered with white sheets to keep the dust out. Making my way out to the backyard I spotted Salazar's grave which was next to Rowena's. 

"Hey old man, it's me Joe. Let me tell you, shit just got really fucking complicated and I'm off to go train so that I don't get ass raped by devils and fallen angels. The school is still standing, surprisingly. Despite the years of neglect. Maybe I'll come back and take up that teaching position you wanted me to take. Ah whatever, I feel silly, I'll come back to talk some more when I'm done training." 

Having said my piece I apparated away not noticing the two ghosts that materialized just as the world swirled away around me. 

[Scene Break]

Salazar Slytherin smiled softly as he watched his adopted son apparate away. Rowena coughed to get his attention, turning to her he saw an amused smirk on her spectral face. 

"How long do you think it'll take him to realize that we're still around watching him?" 

"You don't have to say it like that Ro, you make us sound like voyeurs." 

"Are we not?" 

"Mmm, perhaps… though I still stand by my decision on holding off on telling Jörmungandr." 

"He'll be quite cross with you, you know." 

"He'll be fine, he's my son after all." 

"That's why I'm worried, Sal. He's as impulsive and reckless as you were in your youth." 

"Ro, he's nearly a thousand years old. He'll be fine, though… I think we should have told him about the scope of the magical world. I have a feeling he will not be too pleased when he runs into the devils." 

"Something tells me he already knows my love." 

"Damn… what do we do then?" 

"We keep watch over him on his 'training'. He's your son, there's bound to be some occurrences ." 

The two spectral founders floated along before disappearing into wisps of light. They reappeared moments later in an unfamiliar castle to the sight of Jörmungandr twirling a golden spear around seemingly talking to someone they couldn't see. 

Magic crackled at the spears tip before launching off at a target that appeared a few meters away. The target exploded into splinters of wood. Salazar gaped at the power behind the spell and took a closer look at the spear his son was waving around. 

"Ro… I think you're right. He definitely knows about the rest of the supernatural world." 

"What makes you say that?" 

"Look at that spear, tell me what you feel from it." 

"I- dear lord… I feel a divine presence in the spear. It's almost as if it's alive." 

"That's because it very well may be. That spear is something I have only heard about before. Godric, in a drunken haze, told me a tale about three brothers." 

"I'm familiar with the tale, what does this have to do with the spear?" 

"Many people have theorized that the Peverell brothers encountered not death, but The Angel of Death. Who gave them each a Sacred artifact that bolstered their powers." 

"A wand, a stone, and a cloak. Like I said, I'm familiar with this story Sal. There was no mention of a spear." 

"The Elder Wand is known by many names Ro. One of which is the Stick of Destiny." 

Rowena chuckled, "A strange name for such a powerful weapon." 

"That's just it, I believe that over the years something was lost in translation. The Spear of Destiny became the 'Stick' of Destiny." 

Rowena's eyes widened, "You're telling me, that our son. Is the wielder of Longinus' spear?" 

"Yes, I also have a feeling that the spear has many forms. One of which is a wand, which probably helped in the misinterpretation." 

"Are you sure that you want to hold of on telling him?" 

"Yes, there are some hardships he must face by himself first." 

"I don't like it Sal, but I trust you." 

"I hope it's not misplaced Ro." 

[Scene Break]

2 Months Later

Castle Dracula, Transylvania 

Huffing in exertion I spun the spear in my hand like a baton and threw it as another dummy I wandlessly conjured up. The True Longinus struck the dummy and sank half way through its chest. Raising my hand I summoned the spear back dragging the dummy along with it. 

I have been 'training' for a few weeks now. By training I mean that I've basically been dicking around with the True Longinus and trying to figure out what I could do. The first test was to see if I could cast Harry Potter magic™️ with it and that had proven possible. Both the wand form and spear form amplified all magic I channeled through it. Next I had been testing if I could make it change sizes. Those tests had utterly failed. I had just sat there glaring at the spear trying to WILL it to change sizes. The most recent test had me controlling it with my mind. That had been very successful and pretty badass. Unfortunately it only worked when it was in its spear form. 

Other than that I had done nothing else since magical power grew with either age or rituals. I had already done every ritual that boosted my magical power. Without sucking off my own ego I'd reckon I was the most powerful magical being in the wizarding community. 

'Is there a way I can get more powerful other than becoming a devil?' I asked the Longinus. 

-There is, though the process is quite painful and there is a 47% chance that you will die.-

'Fuck… what's the method?' 

-The True Longinus, in its wand form at least, got its 'unbeatable' reputation due to being able to grant the knowledge and power of its previous wielders to the current wielder.-

'Fucking A, that doesn't explain why Grindelwald and Dumbledore weren't godlike when they owned the Elder Wand though.' 

-To be considered the owner of the True Longinus, you must first defeat the previous owner and get them to admit their defeat. Grindelwald and the Dumbledore you spoke about both stole the wand instead of defeating the previous owner. This led to them only being able to access less than 5% of the True Longinus' power.-

'That makes sense, who was the previous owner, do I even have to beat the previous owner?' 

-No you do not, I have already bonded myself to your soul. You are the current wielder and owner of the True Longinus.-

'What do I need to do to gain this power?' 

-Nothing, I can simply bestow it to you. My soul is what empowers the True Longinus after all.-

'And you have no problem doing so? I won't use the power for some selfless hero bullshit. I'm going to be selfish and use it as a nuclear deterrent so that people leave me alone.' 

-I do not have an issue with that. All I ask is you never use it for evil.-

'Won't be difficult. Villains make me cringe, especially with how they monologue about how amazing they are and how 'weak' and 'pitiful' their opponents are.' 

-Are you sure this is what you want?-

'No I'm fucking not sure, this kind of power fucks with peoples heads. There's that power corrupts saying that people are so fond of saying.' 

-Then wh…

'Because I KNOW, that despite all my talk about not getting involved and playing hero, that I'll inevitably get drawn into the thick of it. It's better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it.' 

-You're much less selfish than you think.-

'Shut the hell up, and don't you fucking dare tell anyone I said that sappy shit.-

-My metaphorical lips are sealed.-

'They fucking better be or I'll shove you up a mountain trolls ass and leave you in there.' 

-Please don't.-

'Whatever, let's get me powered up.' 

-This will be painful.-

'Power offers itself to people who are willing to lower themselves to pick it up. In this case, the pain is something I'm willing to go through to become someone that no one will fuck with.' 

-Good luck Henry.-

I didn't even realize that the smug bastard had used my original name. Pain, even worse than the pain that was a result from the failed ritual that brought me to this world, blazed through my body. A million red hot knives sliced at my skin while my blood was replaced by molten lead. My eyes felt like a herd of horses had stampeded over them. My wings shot out of my back without my input. I felt a burning pain on several more parts of my back making me cry out in pain. 

My vision got hazy as blood poured out of every hole on my head. My ears rang and my head throbbed as thousands of years of knowledge was jammed into my brain. Memories of spells, fighting techniques, and even moves that put the Kamasutra to shame. Cursing everything I could think of cursing I clawed my way back to the castle. My body still sang with unbridled pain. I knew that I'd pass out eventually and there was no way I was going to pass out while outside my castle. 

I left a trail of blood and dirt as I dragged myself to the lower levels of the castle. Eventually I reached the lowest level and crawled into a spare coffin that Vlad had left behind. 

No, I wasn't a vampire. I had vampiric traits, but I didn't need to sleep in a coffin or have an irrational fear of garlic and religious symbols. I simply used the coffin because it was made out of metal, had indestructibility runes carved on it and I could lock it from the inside. A perfect place to pass out in this world filled with powerful assholes. 

I pulled the lid close and slid the latch home. I welcomed the darkness inside the coffin and closed my eyes despite the pain. Gritting my teeth as another spike of white hot pain shot through my body, I took deep breaths to stop myself from screaming again. Slowly my consciousness drifted out of my body and it was like I was watching things from an outside perspective. I could see the coffin I was laying in and the rough stone of the floor. A being of pure light materialized next to me drawing my attention. 

"How does being a spirit feel?" The figure asked in a familiar voice.

"Spirit? I FUCKING DIED?!"  

"Not at all, I simply pulled you from your body while all the power merges into it." 

"That sounds sexual, please never say that again." I reply with much more calm than I had earlier. "So why did you pull me from my body?" 

"So we can speak face to face, it's strange having to speak to you through your mind. Even stranger when my soul is constantly housed in a weapon."

"So you're the True Longinus?"

"Yes, but like I said; I have many names. You can call me Elohim." 

"I don't fucking think so Gregorny, but while you're here could you please explain why your soul is in a spear?" 

"I- what?" 

"The three brothers, the Angel of Death gave them these artifacts. Yet only the wand held your soul. Why is that?"

"Each artifact does hold a soul." 

"Really?" 

"It's what makes them Sacred Gears." 

"So the Deathly Hallows are Sacred Gears?" 

"Yes, each on except the True Longinus holds a soul." 

"Who's soul?" 

"The Shroud contains the soul of a demon infamous for mischief and the Crystal of Blood contains a fragment of the Angel of Death's soul." 

"So the cloak is actually possessed by a demon and the stone is an angel's horcrux?" 

"I wouldn't put it like that but yes." 

"How else would you put it, that's exactly what they are. Do they influence their owners in any way?" 

"No, not that I'm aware of. The Shroud may make the user prone to mischief though." 

"That makes sense, and what about you?" 

"What about me?" 

"The Great War, your death. What happened there?" 

"I- I was careless. The devils had somehow gained an artifact similar to a Sacred Gear. Lucifer, he used it to destroy my body at the cost of his life and soul. Michael and the other Archangels managed to bind my soul long enough for it to be stored in Longinus' spear." 

"I thought that it was with the wizards?" 

"That came after. Originally the three artifacts were kept in heaven. A memento for what my son did for humanity. It was after my soul was placed in the spear we decided to turn the three into unique Sacred Gears that could be passed down without killing the host." 

"So the three brothers were the first to hold them." 

"I sent out Azrael to find worthy candidates for the three. He found three brothers who had been the best of their kind. He gifted it to them as a test of their characters." 

"And all of them except the youngest failed?" 

"Spectacularly so, I watched the eldest brag about his new found prowess only to be assassinated in his sleep. I watched for centuries as the True Longinus changed hands. Not once did it find a worth wielder. At least until you came." 

"I'm hardly what you'd call worthy. I selfish, and I only took the wand so that someone I don't trust wouldn't get access to its power." 

"That makes you much better than anyone else who's ever owned it. You don't seek its power for yourself." 

"Obviously… I'd rather this whole thing be a joke. Having power paints a target on me. And the amount of assholes flinging shit at the target grows each day." 

"What will you do once the power assimilation is complete?" 

"I don't know to be quite honest with you. Aside from making sure the wizarding world doesn't fall apart, u don't really have any goals. I just want to relax and live my life as lavishly as I can. Something I never got to do in my previous life." 

"You could take a vacation." 

"I'm surprised you know what a vacation is." 

"I may just be a soul now but I'm still the soul of an all knowing god." 

"Fair enough… a vacation does sound appealing." 

"Henry? S- something is happening." There was clear panic in his voice

"What is it what's happening?" 

"I don't know, I seem to be getting pulled into your bo-

His voice disappeared abruptly in the middle of his sentence. My confusion spikes when I also feel a sharp tug towards my unconscious body. The confusion turned to worry when I began to feel my consciousness fade. I looked at my spectral hands and watched as they became more and more transparent. 

"Oh for fucks sake, COME ON!"