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Jörmungandr

I knew trying to do a ritual I found online was a terrible fucking idea. I mean what fucking idiot looks at a shady website with hentai ads popping up every thirty seconds and goes; “I bet the spells and rituals on this website are totally legit and will definitely work as advertised. That idiot was me…” -Excerpt from Chp 1 Winding up in the body of Slytherin’s basilisk is about as weird as it sounds. Unfortunately that is Henry’s reality after trying to perform a ritual he finds online. Fortunately he’s the protagonist of a trashy fanfiction, which gives him godly luck, indestructible plot armour, and the limitless potential to bag every redhead babe in the multiverse. Follow him on his journey through different worlds as he avoids his responsibilities, shirks his duties, and ruins timelines just as all things should be. *welcome to the fever dream* WARNINGS: Rated PG-13 for strong language, shitty humour, suggestive themes, and the occasional use of non-PC terms. This is also a fanfic, written by a college dropout who was too lazy to go to school during the RONA. *DO NOT EXPECT JRR TOLKIEN LEVELS OF WRITTEN ART.* PS. I started writing this story with zero direction and absolutely no ‘script’. Some things will definitely get retconned in the later chapters either because I forgot, or I just felt that the story needed the change. PPS. This story has multiple POVs but mainly a 1st person POV centered around the MC. If that is not your cup of tea, no one is holding a gun to your head forcing you to read this you donut. Updates Weekly

Vargr_the_Skald · Anime & Comics
Not enough ratings
34 Chs

Attack

Rias looked around nervously as I walked next to her on our date. She was acting as if her brother was going to jump out of a corner at any moment. And from what she told me, he may very well do so at some point. 

From what Rias said, the dude had some serious Sis-con issues that made people from Alabama look tame. 

"Look, you've got to calm down Rias. This is supposed to be a date. You're making me feel like I just kidnapped you." 

Rias smiled apologetically, "Sorry Inoue-kun, I'm just worried my brother might make things awkward by appearing suddenly." 

I felt a wave of depression coming from a strangely oversized potted plant. That sister loving fucker WAS stalking Rias as she had expected. I didn't know whether to applaud him for his commitment, or to blast him for being a creep. Clearly he knew I knew that he was dressed like a potted plant. Yet he remained unmoving. 

I took Rias' hand and with a smirk over my shoulder at Sirzechs, I apparated away with a loud crack. Rias gasped then stumbled into my arms at the sudden teleportation.

"Teleportation! You can teleport?" 

"I can do a lot of things Rias." I smiled in response. 

"You have to tell me, your powers are so similar to this one character in a manga im reading." 

I raised an eyebrow, "Really? What manga." 

She shook her head, "Nevermind that for now, we're on a date. Where did you take me?" 

"We're in Paris now." I gestured towards the Eiffel Tower in the distance. 

Rias' eyes lit up in excitement, "I've always wanted to visit Paris. I was going to go after I left Japan." 

"Well now you're here, let's go… we have a reservation." I told her. 

Normally I really hate France for… certain reasons, but I really had to hand it to them. They knew romance and they knew how to make good food. 

[Scene Break]

Talking to Rias as a normal person to another person was actually pretty relaxing. Just for a moment we weren't two supernatural beings, a primordial god, and a devil. We were just two mundane people enjoying each other's company over a delicious meal. 

"… honestly, Akeno weirds me out sometimes but she's still my best friend and one of the few people who understand me." 

"What about the little cross dressing vampire you have stuffed away in a closet somewhere?" 

Rias laughed softly, her cheeks tinted a rosey pink from the wine. 

"So you know about Gaspar too… I shouldn't be surprised I guess. He, he's… still having issues with people and interacting with crowds. He's getting better though." 

"Have you ever thought about giving him a mask, preferably a little stone one?" 

"Was that a JoJo's reference?"

"Sure?" 

Rias giggled behind her hand, "You're secretly an otaku like me aren't you?" 

"I have no idea what you're talking about Rias." I smiled at her. 

"How does your eye even do that?" 

"Do what?" 

"The smile thing? That's not normal." She tilted her head to the side, still observing my face.

"What do you mean? I thought everyone could do it." 

She rolled her eyes, "Fine, whatever," she paused while looking out at the view we had of the city, "I'm really enjoying this date, thanks." 

I glanced at her as she continued to stare out of the window of the restaurant I had brought us to. It had a nice romantic atmosphere that could be physically felt. I was sure that there had to be some supernatural shenanigans going on behind the scenes.  

"What? Thought I'd be a terrible date or something?" I chuckled before continuing to speak, "Its only fair that I take you out somewhere nice in return for making your training camp, downright hellish." 

She ignored my pun, "Ugh, it's not even the training that's the worst part, it's the trainer… he's, well, he's really mean but I can see why he's doing what he does." 

"Oh?" 

"Yeah, it became painfully obvious that I hadn't really been caring for my peerage as I should have when the training started." 

"I hope none of your friends got hurt." 

"No, but there was this one time when Issei was… nevermind. It's not something we should talk about over our date." 

I nodded in agreement, Rias spent the rest of the day asking me questions and getting to know me. I gave her as much as I could without giving my identity away. By the end of the day, I practically had her dangling from my arm wanting me to claim her. 

It was nice actually being able to charm someone to liking me. I had the power to make the perfect woman out of mud and magic, but honestly where was the fun in that. I also learned from my past incarnations mistakes of making a 'perfect' woman. 

That woman had run off with Samael and spawned the entire race of demons with him. She had also birthed a multitude of monstrous creatures just to spite the first human man, who I made her for. 

I teleported us back to the mountain resort turned training camp, as we walked towards the gates Rias stopped and I felt her tug at my sleeve. Turning to her I raised an eyebrow at the blush growing on her face. 

"What is it?" I asked her.

"C-can I get a kiss before I go back?" 

"Already asking for a kiss, and it's only been the first date… Rias, aren't you a forward little devil." 

"Sorry!" She quickly bowed and made to run off but I grabbed her arm and held her back. 

Before she knew what was going on, I kissed her lips chastely and winked at her, 

"Win the Rating Game and I'll take you out on a second date." 

Then I teleported away, leaving the blushing Gremory Heiress rooted in place with a gaping mouth that slowly turned into a happy smile.

[Scene Break]

The simulated school arena was silent. Risers peerage members eyed their surroundings cautiously as the silence droned on. Then, the sound of marching drew their attention. In the VIP section of the watchers box, the Satans all looked on in stunned silence as Rias and her peerage marched in formation. 

Only two weeks had passed, in those two weeks, a lot had changed. Aside from the obvious physical changes, Rias and her peerage, being more toned and graceful. There was also now an air of confidence undercut with a thinly veiled aura of bloodlust radiating from everyone in Rias' peerage. 

I was at their front, in my Sergeant Golf appearance, which was literally just my original pre-isekai look. I smirked at the shocked looks Rias' peerage was getting. I had voluntold Rias to tell her brother that she would make her own entrance. 

And here we were, about to make an entrance that I doubt Risers peerage would ever forget. 

"Detail, Halt!" 

In one smooth motion, Rias and her peerage stopped marching. I did a quick about face and smiled at them, they didn't break their bearing but I could see the glint in their eyes. They were ready.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't proud of them for how far they'd come in half a month of brutal training. I had frankly beat the idea of individuality out of them, and turned them into a highly effective peerage of devils. 

They could probably take on all of Riser's peerage individually if it was just based solely on combat prowess. I didn't neglect their magical and racial ability training though. Each of them was trained on how to use their abilities effectively and efficiently with no wasted movements. 

"Alright Turds, from this day onward you are no longer Turds. You are killing machines, a team of devil warriors that I'm damn proud to have trained." 

They remained silent, standing in the position of attention. 

"As devil warrior what are your jobs!" 

"Kill! Kill! Kill!" 

"And when you've killed them what will you do?" 

"Kill them again!" They shouted in unison. 

"Eccelent fucking answer! Now you'll face a pitiful excuse for a devil, he claims he's better, stronger, and worth more than you. Are you going to let that stand?!" 

"No Sir!" They replied with shouts. 

"What are you going to fucking do about it then?!" 

"Kill!" Their unified shout echoed through the stadium. 

I grinned, "Give them nothing… but take from them, EVERYTHING!"  I grinned as I channeled my inner Gerard Butler impersonation of Leonidas.

[Scene Break]

In the VIP observation box, the four Satans sweat dropped at the display of unified bloodthirst. Sirzechs more so than anyone else. He knew his sister and that bloodthirsty glint in her eyes and the evil smirk was something he had never seen her make. 

"It's like son twisted form of brainwashing…" Ajuka muttered from his side. 

"I'm worried." Serafall added. 

"Trust in Rias… she's much stronger now." Venelana said with a comforting smile

"No, I'm not worried about Rias, or her peerage. I'm worried for Riser Phenex and his… I've seen this before. In the human world." 

"Ah yes… you observed the training did you not?" Ajuka asked her. 

"Yes, and that's why I'm worried. The training that this Sergeant Golf, put them through… it's the same hellish training that the Americans put their soldiers through." 

"He trained them to be soldiers?" Sirzechs asked with a surprised look. 

"Yes, but not only that… he also taught them so many different ways to kill devils. Both magical methods and physical methods." 

"What do we know about this 'Sergeant Golf'?" Falbium woke up from his 'nap' to ask. 

Ajuka shook his head, "Nothing… it's as if he doesn't exist. The only reason for that would mean that he's part of a black ops government unit, or he has supernatural ties." 

"That's alarming, make sure to pull him aside after the Rating Game. We need to speak with him and see if he's a threat to us." Sirzechs said. 

"Agreed," Ajuka nodded, "I can feel the power he's restraining. It's potentially ultimate class." 

"Seriously!" Serafall exclaimed. 

"Damn… we may need to restrain him personally then." Sirzechs 'tsked'. 

[Scene Break]

As Rias and her peerage huddled up to prepare a plan for their opponents, I had my eyes closed and was silently eavesdropping on the four Satans. 

I chuckled at the idea of military training being 'twisted brainwashing' cause in its base essence, it was.

"Alright, I'll see you guys at the finish line. Show them all what you've got." I told Rias and her peerage. 

It was the first time I spoke to them without yelling, my tone was almost friendly. They responded with a shout of confirmation and I nodded in acknowledgment before teleporting away. 

I appeared high above the domed stadium and cast an invisibility spell on myself. I wasn't planning on interfering unless some really shady shit happened. 

I was already expecting some underhanded tactics from the Phenex peerage. They were part of a clan that was famed for its regeneration abilities and healing potions. They were bound to use those potions when they weren't allowed to use any items they didn't procure in the stadium. 

I watched the fight begin with Kiba absolutely steamrolling the four pawns sent to ambush him. Koneko curbstomped some chainsaw wielding wackos and Issei held his win against some agile opponents. 

The look of determination on his face was of defeating his enemy quickly, and not to molest her with a perverted technique. I had made sure that his perversion was suppressed and in control by him. 

Akeno and Riser's Queen were fighting in the air. The oppositions Queen was hurling explosions left and right. Kiba, Koneko and Issei had met up and were now planning an ambush for the remaining peerage members that they hadn't already dealt with. 

Riser on the other hand, had a look of rage and confusion on his face. I felt extreme satisfaction in watching him froth at the mouth at his peerage getting curb stomped by a bunch of previously weak reincarnated devils. 

In fact, a lot of the stadium of watchers was shocked silent. Some had voided their stomachs at what Rias' peerage had done to Riser's peerage. 

They weren't necessarily killed, but they had been brutally beaten black and blue. Some had nearly been dismembered and were only saved by the timely intervention of whoever was teleporting downed combatants out. 

"I-impossible! There no way pathetic losers like you can be the Great Riser Phenex!" Riser shouted in the third person. 

I sighed and fought the urge to roll my eyes, he was worse than I had expected. He was not only monologuing, but he was also referring to himself in third person. I wanted to blast him then and there, just for that alone. 

In the VIP box I could hear the Gremory clan snarkily asking the Phenex clan head if that's how the Phenex clan saw the Gremory clan. 

Riser was, after all, basically calling the heiress of the clan a 'loser'. From my memories I saw that the Phenex clan was minor noble clan and not a major clan like the Gremory. I wondered why Rias' father even humoured the Phenex clan by allowing the marriage proposal to go through. 

It would be like the rich snobby family being okay with their only daughter to be married to the local drug dealer who has no future and is clearly a walking STD. 

'Devils were weirdos, everyone was a weirdo in this world. Me included.' 

Riser continued to spew random shit in his rant and eventually Rias seemed to have enough. She kicked him in the balls, hard. I felt the collective wince of every male devil watching in the fight. There was even a few grimaces in the VIP box. 

"That's that I guess, nice, short, and to the point. I'm glad they didn't drag it out." I said silently to myself. 

Then, the arena exploded.

I instinctively wanted to jump into action, but I restrained myself and continued to observe what was going on. Rias and her peerage were taken out of the arena just as devils appeared through a rift that had opened. I could see another city reflected in the rift. 

'Hmm, that looks like every other Japanese city…' 

Then I saw the shrines, my acute vision picking them up easily despite the background noise of cluttered buildings. The red Torii gates acting like beacons. The fact that the buildings also looked much more rustic than the modern buildings of Tokyo or Osaka helped. 

'Kyoto huh? If I remember correctly, the Shinto Pantheon resides there, and from the show the big titty fox lady lives there too.' 

A large horde of stray exorcists and mages came rushing out of the rift, behind them came devils of varying strength, then there were vampires, and finally a group of humans led by a cocky looking man with a golden spear. 

'The fuck is this shit?' 

I could tell that the spear was closely modeled after the True Longinus. Either it was a different spear, or the fucker was passing off a fake as the real deal. 

The humans began to attack the devils indiscriminately, the devils did what they could to defend themselves but a few still fell. The four Satans jumped into action with Serafall and Sirzechs attacking, Falbium acting as back up and Ajuka seemingly attempting to analyse the rift. Probably to close it. 

Rias and her peerage hadn't retreated, they were defending the fleeing devils from the exorcists and humans trying to kill them. I cursed at them for being brave, but I also felt a sense of pride. 

They were terribly outnumbered and outgunned, yet they held their ground. Seeing the golden spear fucker sneaking up on Rias I sighed. 

"Looks like I'm intervening after all." I muttered. 

I cancelled my invisibility spell and shot to the ground between the spear fucker and Rias at breakneck speeds. I crashed into the ground while doing a superhero pose, a shockwave blasting from where I landed. 

I shuddered at the disgusting feeling I got from doing a 'superhero landing'. 

"Blegh, Yelena was right… posing after landing is so gross." 

Rias' eyes widened in shock, the spear wielder stopped in place. 

"Sergeant Golf?" 

"Huh? Oh, right I'm still wearing this face… " I drop the disguise and chuckled when Rias just stared while everyone else had looks of shock, "what, not shocked?" I asked Rias. 

She sighed, "Akimitsu-kun… I had a feeling it was you. Thank you for confirming it." 

I sensed a malicious undertone and rubbed the back of my head, "Hey… no hard feeling about the, making you find pinecones in the woods alright? I didn't realise that pine trees are not native to Japan." 

"Hoh? You devils are pretty brave for ignoring me… Cao Cao, the wielder of the True Longinus." The spear fucker drawled. 

I turned to him and pointed a finger, "I'll deal with you later." I hit him with Hashirama's line. 

Cow Cow gaped, I almost thought his fake Longinus would fall from his hands with how he slumped. 

Rias, giggled, "So… what now?" 

"Now? We deal with these people, then I owe you an explanation after?" 

"Sounds good to me." She shrugged before flying off. 

The rest of her peerage flew off with her after giving me angry looks. I laughed before facing Cum Cum again. 

"So… where was I?" 

He snarled and swung at me with his spear, I rolled my eyes and swatted the spear away. He continued to attack me with sweeps and stabs, I continued to toy with him by evading and deflecting his attacks. 

"Fight back Devil Lover!" 

"Remember you asked for this…"

I caught a glimpse of Rias watching me from the distance. I smirked and decided to fuck with her a bit while also teaching Cow Cow a lesson. Throwing a single 'Horse' hand sign from Naruto I took a deep breath.

Unleashing Madara's signature fire jutsu I smiled with wicked glee as Cao Cao's eyes widened. One of his unnamed human companions jumped in front of him and put up a translucent shield. 

Just for added effect, I spoke the name of the Jutsu out loud making my voice magically amplified with a discretely cast spell. 

"Katon: Goka Mekkyaku." 

'Fuck it let's go for the whole package.' 

I crossed my arms and discretely conjured some invisible speakers. The speakers began to blast Madara's orchestral theme as I crossed my arms. My Eternal Mangekyo Sharingan spinning to life. 

It was like the whole battlefield froze, devils, exorcists, humans, and all the other supernatural beings froze and stared at me. I heard Rias in the distance voicing her disbelief. 

"H-he w- what? What even is this anymore!" 

Fighting the urge to laugh at her reaction I maintained my mask of bored indifference. Cao Cao and his crew of humans had survived the wave of fire by hiding behind the transparent shield on of them had thrown up. 

The fake Longinus wielder's eyes narrowed at me, his grip on his fake Sacred Gear tightening. 

"Who are you?" He spoke aloud. 

"It doesn't matter… I was merely looking for a good fight, clearly you squabbling pissants are not worth the air your breathe. Begone, I shall allow you a moment to leave my sight before I erase you all from existence." 

"Don't underestimate us!" A bulky man shouted. 

"Oh? Still have some fight in you huh? What is you name boy… I would like to know who I am about to crush beneath my heel." 

"Enough talk!" A blonde armoured woman cried out before rushing at me with a gleaming sword. 

I kicked her away without moving from where I stood. That seemed to break everyone from their trance-like state and the fight picked right back up. The group of humans jumped me all at once. 

I engaged them all in Taijutsu first, toying with them by using just the Uchiha clan style. The bulky man roared at me, spittle flying from his mouth as he swung wild haymakers at me. 

"You hurt Jeanne you bastard!" He roared. 

I landed a spinning back kick on his chest, several of his ribs shattered as he flew back. The blonde girl I had kicked earlier got back up. 

"No!" She shouted when she saw me about to crush the bulky man's head beneath my foot. 

She rushed at me again, blood running down the sides of her lips. Her sword flew at an arch, posed to decapitate me. Only I parried it with a basic kunai before raising my leg to kick her again. 

The bulky man had gotten up again, he intercepted the kick. My foot went through his chest, he coughed up blood as I yanked my now bloodied foot out of the hole in his chest. 

"Heracles! No!" The blonde shouted again.

I caught a sword slash from her and glared at the trembling teenage girl. She was still fighting despite her injuries. My respect for her grew. I could tell she was just a regular human, Sacred Gear or not. 

"Do you want to dance too?" I looked at her impassively. 

She grit her teeth, as she was about to charge at me again the spear wielder held her back. 

"Jeanne, no… he is beyond us. We must retreat. Attacking with the Old Satan Faction was a mistake." 

'Huh… so the Old Satan faction is behind this, interesting. I thought it would have been Kokabiel and his merry band of fucknuts.' 

"A wise choice… you have thirty seconds to leave before I attack again." 

Cao Cao nodded, I could see that he was clearly angry but he stil turned to his group of fights and spoke with a steady tone. 

"Le Fey, Arthur, Siegfried, Leonardo… let's go, I'll take Jeanne. Can one of you please get Herac- Heracles' body." 

One of the male members glared at me hatefully before carefully picking up their dead friend. I continued to look at them with an unreadable expression. 

"We shall meet again-

"You better pray that we don't… and if I go to Kyoto and find that you have attacked the denizens there. There will not be a cave you can hide in that I will not find you at." 

Cao Cao, frowned before turning around and disappearing in a strange ripple with his group. I sighed and let my eyes fade back to their natural colour. The fighting had calmed down. The four Satans had managed to drive back the invaders. 

Ajuka had closed the rift, and Serafall was cleaning up the stragglers with Sirzechs. Rias and her peerage landed behind me with expressions that said: 'You better start explaining now.' 

"Explanations?" 

Rias nodded, I could tell her peerage members wanted to add their own two cents. 

"That would be appreciated…" 

I pointed behind them eyes wide with shock… "LOOK, THE TREES STARTED DANCING ALL OF A SUDDEN!" I shouted out in surprise. 

Rias and her peerage spun around, making me chuckle as I teleported away. Before I did, I did the Itachi move of jabbing Rias in the forehead just as she was turning around.

"Maybe some other time." 

[AN: I realised I haven't actually uploaded a picture of what Joe/Jörmungandr looks like as 'Akimitsu'. So here you go…