The Past Can't Rewind Back

Tap , tap , tap , tap , click , delete.

Tap, tap , tap , tap , click , delete.

The sound of distressed tapping echoed all throughout the room. I got stuck in Neverland, making an effort to figure out which magic words would be able to fulfill my wishes. I hit the words on the smartphone keyboard, form the words into sentences, and then delete everything. I'd like to try my luck getting in touch with Adam, whom I met at the café book last month and tell him about my story that I need to tell someone. I really want to tell him all of my hidden secrets. Even though we haven't spoken in a past month, I think, -

Adam makes me feel stress-free.

I typed again and finally chose to send it.

From Elly:

It's me, Hi.

I waited around 20 minutes and received no response from Adam.

"Is he lying to me about his phone number? No, that doesn't make sense. I saw it by myself, he called me using his phone number to make his phone number appear on my screen phone." I declared to myself.

I carefully toss my phone on the bed, not too far away. I took a long breath to clear away the stress, but unpleasantly, I recall what happened on sports day. I blame myself for having too many thoughts again. I'm not sure if their treatment of me is either good or bad karma. I do not think I treat them badly. Or possibly I hadn't noticed it until it happened, and I'm unaware of it.

But they'll share with me if that happens, right?

I opened my window and stared out at the night sky, an inviting breeze dancing on my face, cold yet welcoming. It's beautiful although it's starless. I am fond of how the moon seduces my eyes with its lustrous glowing. Making an effort to keep my attention on it. The moon makes me forget about the sports day event.

Thank you, Moon, for fulfilling my wishes.

I sat near the window for about 30 minutes, just to have a staring contest with the moon, which faded with the memories. My mother called me to dinner as the light began to dim.

"So, Elly, which medals did you get?" My mother wanted to know, excitedly.

"What did you think?" I challenged my mother.

"Hmm, it seems that you came in second place. Right? " My mother responded.

"Oh My Thank! You gave the correct answer. How did you guess it?" I asked my mother curiously.

"Well, I have a magic ball in my mind, so that's how I know about it." My mother says with confidence while laughing.

"Hahahaa, mother, I know you'll respond like that." I began chuckling.

"You know me. Elly, I am positive that you will give your all to the sports that you love. But I have a feeling you'll come in second. I know deep down in your heart that you want to be first, but your Mr. Luck did not wish you hard enough to awaken your spirit." My mum speaks the truth.

"You are the best, Mother! I love you." I hug my mother while trying to keep my silent tears from raining on my face.

Both of us hugged each other, drinking the warm heat that comes from our bodies in the middle of embracing the cold.

I go to my bedroom first after an episode of emotion. I pick up my phone and take a look at it. No notifications from him. I sigh. Perhaps he deleted my phone number. I decided to open Instagram and skim through it, hoping to discover something that piqued my interest before my eyelids closed. The light on the screen flashes towards my face, as I keep scrolling my phone in the dark. I like all the postings that my friends have posted there, and that captivate me.

Jealousy erupted in my heart. Why can't I do the same with my best friend? Is it selfish of me to want to be like them? I decided to use WhatsApp for chatting with my best friend. I chatted with her, but her responses are becoming increasingly limited. The longer the phrases I sent, the shorter the response. When I chat to her and hint about my problem towards her, I don't always get the response I'm looking for. It makes me give up chatting with her about my problems.

I know I should trust her.

But I'm afraid I can't.

Screaming for help for those who don't want to help, cannot save me from being buried in a deep hole.

I switched to watching YouTube. Mostly vlog. I thoroughly enjoy how they describe their daily routines, explaining how good the food was, the beautiful places to see that drew many more tourists, and how close their friendship is to pulling pranks on each other without going overboard. Or maybe I don't know what goes on behind the scenes to determine if their actions are -

real or fake.

I envy those who are capable of maintaining their bonded friendship lasting till their hair grays, sharing the rocking chair next to each other. They stay alive in their story and can be passed down from generation to generation.

I locked my phone and positioned it near the pillow. I'm having a deep thought on my friendship with my best friend and the events that have already occurred in the last few months. I had to battle through a lot of obstacles.

Too many butterflies that bleed. Too many tears that fell. Even the rainbow emerges in the blue sky for a little moment before fading away with the memories. There are a few nice memories that I can save in a jar of heart. My current journey is filled with bittersweet moments. Struggling to keep it sweet with a smile on my face -

even though it is just a mask.

My best friend and I grew closer when we entered high school. Attached to each other because of the same interest. We were laughing at our own jokes. We tangled in the string with our trust. Using the hashtag BestFriendForever, we're preserving our memories.

But I believe we are similar to Bonnie and Clyde, yin and yang, with the reversed version. It might be either positive or negative. One of them will betray the other in order to survive in the dark while waiting for radiance to appear.

I sigh. I spend the majority of my time overthinking. I need to empty my mind for this mind set. I changed from my lying position to my sleeping position and fell into a slumber.

The wind whispering, the cool breeze entangling the leaves as they dance through the night. The heat is burned by the coldness of the dead of night embracing the people who are sleeping with the blanket on. The endless dreams thrown into the dreamcatcher interrupted the star who was going to make someone's wish come true.

Beep…beep….beep

I awoke to the sound of the alarm blaring off all around the room. I reached for my phone with my right hand and turned off the alarm. I lift the blanket to cover my entire body. The coldness is starting to sneak up on my skin. I was shivering. About a few minutes in the warmth of the blanket, I began to sit on my bed, close my eyes, and meditate.

Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale

I flickered open my eyes and reached for my phone. Turn on the screen phone.

20 January 2023. 8:30 in the morning.

I sigh.

Nowadays, I continually dream about the past. For the second time, I sigh.

Whatever happened in the past, I must keep going forward. And I need to tie our bond in a tight knot before it loses.

Poetic feels:

Sore fingers aching to

type,

Brewing the words,

Steaming between the lines.

Hugging the key,

In every alphabet,

Step by step to sentence,

the words.

Numbering the past with the

backspace key,

Silent the change,

To the keywords of pain.

Poem by: shinxdaisy