The Numbness

Elijah!!

One by one, they keep on coming. Hugging me, consoling me, telling me that they are sorry for my loss, that life just isn't fair. Without realizing my head waves a nod and the tongue steps out to draw a 'Thank You'. The numbness in my body grows with every passing second.

The minister clears his throat to begin with the ceremony. Everyone takes a position. Some of them holding a piece of white paper. Probably to speak about her after the ritual. Did these many people even know her? Of course they did. She was the girl everyone wanted to be friends with, no matter college or high school. But I was the one she loved, the one who couldn't save her, the one who was supposed to be with her. She was struggling, she was in pain, she was scared..... She Was Dying.

Evelyn's grip on my hand tightens, snapping me out to reality. The ceremony is almost over, people are starting to leave.

"You should stay with us today. Mom and Dad are leaving tomorrow morning" Evelyn says searching for my eyes.

"I need time, Eve."

"Take all the time you need. Me and Neville will be waiting for you in the car." seeing the confusion on my face, she adds,"The Black BMW".

"Eve, I can't." a lump forms in my throat and I almost choke before saying anything.

"Are you sure, Eli?"

I nod, trying to hold everything together, hold myself together.

"Okay! Just.... just lemme.... just text me when you get back. Please Eli" She retrieves once she gets the promise of a text.

A deafening silence takes over me. I can't hear anything, other than the rustle of dry leaves on freshly laid grave in front of me.

In the Loving Memory of

SCARLETT ALLEN ROSS

(1985-- 2010)

"It's all chaos in the middle

of a Labyrinth.

But well,

you know the way out"

Apparently, some time during our teenage years Scarlett had once told Allison about these lines she wanted to be engraved on her Grave Stone.

Sitting beside the freshly laid soil, I trace along the letters of her name. The depth with which they have been engraved.

The moist soil sticks in between the fingers, when my hand takes form of a fist, forcing me to open my hand. The same way she used to intertwine her fingers in mine whenever I was on the verge of losing it.

Something inside me can still feel her presence, her fragrance.

She is here. She is here. She.... is....here

"Hii Baby"

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After driving around for two hours, I finally take a left turn and park the car in our driveway. There is nothing strange about it. It is all as it was. Everything is as it was. Except of course, I am half an hour late than my usual "Return back Home" time. With a simple click, I open the door, step inside and lock it back. Dropping my car keys in the bowl, I remove my Tuxedo and the formal black shoes, lingering the tips of my finger a little longer on those untied laces.

"Ugh! She'll get mad for the mud on them"

That's when it hits me.

Jamming my arms on the sides on my black shirt, with a stiffened body, I walk towards the main bedroom. It doesn't smell of candles today. Her night suit, perfectly ironed, hangs on the wardrobe handle. Her aroma resides in it. A silhouette of her perfect body is drawn on the bed sheets. Left side of the bed of course. Tracing my hand from the pillow to the foot of the bed, I lay down, trying to get ahold of something in my arms. They feel exponentially empty today.

I stare at the ceiling as all the emotions drain out of me. I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing. Something wet strikes my cheek bone and I realize that my eyes suddenly decided to water. It's just one tear.

ONLY ONE TEAR.

No big deal.

I start to think. But I can't really remember what I was supposed to be thinking?

Was it work?

Naah! Work's boring. Exhausting.

What was it?

Another one strikes my cheek.

Okay! This ain't good news.

Shutting my eyes as tight as possible. I let the last of it flow out of me.

"Please baby, kiss me and wake me up. Say something, anything.

Please Scar!!!"

My throat is as dry as it can ever be.

It hurts.

I admit finally.

It bloody hurts too much.

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Oh Geez! What the hell is it? Turning towards my left I reach out for her. I fall off the bed. Now my head hurts more. My eyes are still closed. Something in me is shouting that I won't like the world if I open them. But the banging on the door is so strong that I am forced to open them. Stragging through the lobby I reach for the door knob. My ankle hurts. No may be it's my toe. For the hell's sake, I don't even know what hurts anymore. May be it's just everything.

A sudden ray of light pounds on my face. For the first time in my life. I hate New York's sun.

"Are you out of your friggin mind?" Evelyn shouts, pushing herself in with me.

"Christ! Eve. slow down, will you?"

"Slow Down? Slow Down? I have been calling you the entire night. Where the hell is your phone?"

She snaps back.

Confused I start looking for my phone.

Oops! Now I remember. And once I can't move. I don't want to move.

"I.... I am sorry Eve. I d..don't rrr...remember. I prolly dropped it when I got the ccc...callll. uh u know"

"Oh Eli" She hugs me tight. After what feels like a lifetime, I feel something inside me. It's warmth, It's pain. Stabbing. that's what it feels like. Hundreds of stabs. Another one flows down my cheek and hits the back of Eve's neck.

She pulls back.

"Talk to me Eli. Tell me what you feel. Tell me lil boy"

For the first time since my birth, she doesn't smirk while using that terminology.

"I don't feel anything, Eve" I state coldly. I don't know if I am capable of emotions anymore.

After a long pause Eve starts,"Eli, youuu..." I cut her off.

"So did you come with Neville?"

"Yeah! He is out talking to someone from office. We are worr..." I again interrupt her. I can already feel her getting irritated.

"Did you guys eat anything? I am not sure what we have right now. You see we didn't get a chance to go shopping yesterday. It's been a bit tiring."

She remains silent. May be thinking about my use of the word "WE" again and again.

She wants to talk. I can feel it. We have always had this fabulous sibling connection. I am not ready for it. I am just not.

I know I have to talk eventually. But not just now. No way in the hell.

Just as the refrigerator door opens, I see a box full of white gravy pasta with pasto in a bowl beside it. I know. She made it the day before yesterday for the dinner. My knees go weak in the split of a second and I am on the floor still trying to hold it together. Neville enters the house and Eve screams my name. After a while I am sitting on the sofa in the living room. I don't remember anything in between that. A complete Black out. Neville hands a bag to Evelyn and she hands it to me. I look at her, confused! She asks me to open it.

It is a diary. The feel of the brown leather cover, with a name engraved on it.

SCARLETT ALLEN ROSS.

"Scarlett asked me to give you this. It was with Alison. In some locker they had been keeping all their secrets since childhood"

"ww..whenn? (clearing the throat) When did she give you this?"

She sighs. As if not wanting to tell me. I know it. I know it.

"Eli, she told me about it when, u know. She also asked me to tell you that "This is the end for a beginning".

I can't hold it anymore. I just can't.

Tears burst out of me. I release a breath I hadn't realised I was holding.

Evelyn and Neville hug me. Neville keeps on stroking my back.

He knows I am about to choke.

"I need to be alone, Please Eve. I need to do this alone."

"Okay" They both get up from their seats.

"We'll be just around the corner. Just a text away" Neville says, leaving a phone on the counter. Scarlett's phone.

Before stepping out of the door, Evelyn turns back and screams my name, my full name,"Elijah Ross"

I whisper in return, just loud enough for her to hear.

"I know! I will be here when u get back. In one piece"

A gentle smile takes shape on her lips and she walks out.

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I tightly hold her diary. A journal no one ever read. A collection of her feelings she never let anyone touch. Though I tried a thousand times to read it.

She always said playfully,

"Nope! I will protect it with last of ny breath."

Last of her breath. Last of her breath.

I whisper through my sobs.

"Ohh Scar! You are not coming back, are you?"