Chapter 1

"Def!! Def!!" a screaming goblin ran down the corridor, breathless.

"Troma idiot! What Troma doing here!? Troma supposed to be lookout! Warn Def when Bazuzu come!" the other goblin shouted back, stepping out of the shadows.

"Bazuzu det!"

"Det? Troma idiot. It is dead, not det!"

"Yes, dead!" the goblin stopped in front of his comrade, grabbing his knees and panting heavily. Beads of sweat gathered on his gnarly, ugly forehead. "Bazuzu det as fuck,"

Def scoffed, flashing pearly-white, ugly teeth. "Troma drink sewage water again? Bazuzu not dead. Bazuzu demon. Demon not die."

The other goblin grabbed his comrade by the shoulders and shook him violently. "Def: Bazuzu explode. Look, little Bazuzu on Troma shoulder."

Troma pointed at his shoulder, where a chunk of flesh had burned itself into the goblin's clothes. It smelled like sulphur and brimstone.

Def's expression changed. "Bazuzu really dead?"

"Troma telling Def. Bazuzu come in one piece. Now little Bazuzus everywhere!"

"Bazuzu is really dead," the slightly smarter goblin replied, eyes wide with disbelief. "But who kill Bazuzu?"

"Human kill Bazuzu!"

A slap echoed through the corridor. Def's gnarly, green palm was red, and Troma's gnarly, green cheek had a four-finger shaped hand-print burned into it.

"What dat for!?" Troma screamed.

"Human kill demon!? Human kill demon!? Troma think Def stupid? Def fall for such stupid?" Def growled, raising his hand again for another strike. "How much Bazuzu pay Troma to lie to Def?!"

Troma grabbed Def's raised hand. "Troma not lying! Troma swear on family! Human really kill Bazuzu. Troma never see anything like it."

"Def not stupid! Demon strong! Human wea--" Def trailed off as he noticed a silhouette approach.

"See? Human..." Troma muttered under his breath.

The silhouette approached. "Is this the way to the new Calamity Lord Academy?"

Def nodded absently.

"That is where the new successor of the Calamity Lord will be chosen, yes?"

The goblins both nodded this time.

"Excellent. Have a good day."

"Wait!" Def stopped the figure.

"Hmm?"

"You kill Bazuzu?"

The figure nodded. "He was very rude to me. Why? Was he your friend?"

Def chuckled darkly. "Friend? Friend!? Def wait here to kill Bazuzu!

"Def become tired of life," Troma added.

"Shut up. Def had good odds against Bazuzu! Bazuzu only greater demon!"

"Def delusional," Troma said, nodding. "At least Troma get to live for a while longer."

"Why human go to Calamity Academy? Human want to become Successor?"

The figure nodded.

"Human Calamity Lord?" Def snorted. "Def think he gonna have stroke."

Troma looked at his companion. "Who stroke Def? No prostitute dat stupid. Don't know what kind of disease Def give them."

"Shut up. Idiot," Def barked.

"I like you two," the figure said. "Do you want to become my subordinates?"

The two goblins looked at each other and then at the human. "Def consider it, if human tell Def why human want to become the Calamity Lord."

The figure pondered the question, and then smiled. In the darkness, only his luminous, but icy cold, blue eyes were clearly distinguishable. "I suppose you could say that I've come to agree with the Calamity Lord's results. I want to ensure that the peace he has created, among the Realms, remains forever."

"Def hear that humans have no magic power. Human magic is weak. But you not weak. Who are you?"

"I am Ain," the figure said.

Def gulped, and then smiled. "Goblins follow human. Def want to see human humiliate demon."

"Def also want to not pay back demon loan," Troma added. "Def gonna have terrible credit rating now."

"Shut up. Idiot."

"Def give human free advice..." the goblin said, drawing his hood over his head.

Troma rolled his eyes. "Def already trying to borrow money from next victim..."

Def shot Troma a glare, green eyes filled with venom. "If Def want to stea-- borrow money from human, Def not give human advice. In fact, Def give human bad advice."

A pause.

Def chuckled. "Def give human great advice... Def promise."

They had just walked out from the tunnel, and stepped into the light of the Academy premises. It was in an isolated place, from the rest of the city, on the merit of it being halfway up the mountain. It took a good twenty minutes of walking to get to the Academy.

But here in the light, they could see the human's features clearly. He wasn't a half demon. He wasn't even a quarter demon. There was not a single indicator of demonic heritage. No red skin, no horns, no hooves, no tails. Not that modern demons looked much different from ordinary humans, but there was always a tell. A mark of some sort.

The human had none of them. If anything, there was angelic influence. Black hair, pearl-white skin and teeth, icy blue eyes. He looked thin and lean, nary a muscle perceptible under his clothes. He wore black, almost exclusively, only the seldom golden thread straying from the monochrome palette of fashion.

"Human not want to hide the obvious problem," Def said.

"The problem?" Ain asked, lofting an eyebrow as the corners of his lips tugged into a bemused smirk.

"Human in Demon Realm look like a leper at a dance party," Troma added.

Def coughed. "Shut up. Idiot. He mean human look like he in the wrong place. How did human even get to Demon Realm?"

"I walked," Ain said.

"From Human Realm?" Def asked.

Ain nodded.

"What about barrier?"

Ain shrugged. "No problem."

Def glared at Ain. "No problem? No problem?! Calamity Lord slap you on the back and say: 'You my son now' - that is no problem. Realm barrier is like Calamity Lord give you brain surgery with ice pick. Big problem."

Troma rolled his eyes. "Def like princess. So dramatic."

The trio was starting to draw attention, especially with Def's shouting. The approach to the Academy was crowded, considering it was Entrance Exam day - a brutal, multi-day long affair of tests.

Of course, there was the occasional golden-haired, blue-eyed girl that was the center of attention at events like this - some daughter of a prominent family. Or the black-haired, handsome, young master of some demon clan or another.

They were there. But their fan club jumped ship. In fact, even they stared at what was undeniably the weirdest thing they have ever seen.

A human.

"Def be honest with human. Def not very smart."

"Or rich," Troma interjected.

"Yes, in fact, Def have huge debt. Demon come after Def every day and try to murder him. But Def not scared of Demon. Def scared of true evil; ex-wives."

Troma shuddered. "Troma still have nightmares."

"Anyway," Def continued. "What Def do have is a very particular set of skills. Skills Def acquire over..."

"Get to point," Troma interjected again.

"I swear to Calamity Lord, if Troma interrupt Def again, Troma meet ancestors."

"How Troma meet ancestors when ancestors already det?"

"DEAD. Not det," Def sighed, rubbing his gnarly palm over his gnarly forehead. It was clear that he gave up on his companion at that moment. Some things just couldn't be fixed. Stupidity was one of them.

"Hold up," a voice came from the side and the trio stopped. "What do we have here? My eyes must be deceiving me."

The trio turned towards the source of the voice. It was a demon. Of course it was. This was the Demon Realm. The only indication this was a demon was the slightly orange hue of otherwise normal, unblemished skin. In fact, his skin was too perfect.

"Lust Demon nasty..." Def whispered.

"Are you lost, little human?" The demon approached. He wore an Academy uniform, which almost made him look like a business executive. A blazer with a red trim, white shirt underneath, blazer matching black dress pants.

"Nice shoes," Troma said, staring at the demon's shoes.

Before the demon could say another word, Def stepped forward and something about him changed.

"Oi, wipe that shit-eating grin off your face you lanky, wig-wearing motherfushtow," Def's eyes shot wide open, and an audible crunch came from his mouth with a spray of blood as he, very unfortunately, plowed his sharp teeth through his own tongue.

Nevertheless, with a tear streaming from his eye, Def heroically continued. "Do you know who zishish!?"

The demon blinked. "What? Wait, what did you call me? You must be tired of living..."

"I shaid: Do. You. Know. Who. Zish. Ish? Mofshefusher?!" Def spat out a mouthful of blood on the demon's shoes, to Troma's obvious dismay.

"They were nice shoes..." Troma said, dejectedly.

"This is the mosht important pershon you will meet in your entire misherable eshishtensh," Def growled at the Demon, advancing a step towards him.

Meanwhile, Ain was still smirking, unbothered by the attention they were starting to draw in earnest. It made him look that tiny bit more majestic.

"In my what?" the demon growled, narrowing his malevolent, green eyes.

"Eshish--," Def cut himself off. "Lishten, you lizhard-loving, tree-humping, bug-eyed pile of shulphur byproduct, you shee thish?" Def said, overbearingly aggressive, as he pointed at the piece of meat still burned into Troma's robe.

The demon followed the finger, not because he was intimidated, but because he couldn't understand half the things this insane goblin was saying. Then he saw it.

"Shay hello to Bashushu."

"Who?"

"Bashushu."

"He means Bazuzu," Troma helpfully added.

"Whatever. He dead. Fush Bashushu." Def spat on the floor, missing the shoes this time.

The Demon - and the crowd - had a shocked expression at the revelation. Bazuzu was dead?

"For your shake, I shay thish: Run. Don't look back. If you don't run, know what gonna happen?" Def asked, walking right up to the demon, and straining his neck to look up at the demon's chin, at an almost neck-breaking angle of 90 degrees.

"What?" the demon asked, gulping. Beads of sweat began gathering on his forehead.

"There'sh gonna be pishes of you on thish wall," the goblin pointed at the wall behind the Demon. "And on thish wall. And on that wall. I will shpend daysh - weeksh - trying to get your pishesh out of m' underwear. That'sh what'sh gonna happen if you run."

The demon was convinced. How? It had to do more with the fact that Bazuzu was dead than what the goblin was saying. There was something about that human, now that he thought about it. After all, how in the name of the Calamity Lord did a human get into the Demon Realm? That required extreme authorization. Rituals. Resources. Only the greatest of the great could possibly ever hope to even get a sniff of the other side of the barrier.

Except there was a problem.

"Wait, you are gonna kill me if I run or if I don't run?"

Def sighed and looked at Ain. "Negoshiashons have failed."

Ain chuckled and nodded. "No problem."

The Demon's heart seized; and then started beating as if it wanted to self-destruct. He didn't want to die. He definitely did not deserve to die. "Wai--"

The demon's head snapped back as the fist connected with his jaw, and then the head disconnected from the body. The gruesome shower of blood that followed equally drenched everyone present, save for one person: Ain. Every drop of blood that fell on his skin or clothes evaporated away instantly, turning into black ash, and then smoke.

Def stared at the corpse. "You didn't have to kill him..."

"He was softer than I thought," Ain said with a shrug. "Oops."

Def waved his hands dismissively and smiled. "You know, human, I wash wrong. This ish 'no problem', after all."

Immediately, the greedy goblin started checking the dead demon's pockets. "Hehe. 'No problem'. No problem, indeed. Oh... what ish thish... gold? Heheh. Def shoon pay off demon debt."

Troma joined his comrade and started removing the demon's shoes. "Don't forget alimony. And divorce fee. Also separation tax. Also..."

With each item on Troma's list, Def's face became more and more despondent.

"So when does the exam start?" Ain turned towards the gathered demons and asked, smiling politely.

"The first round already started..." a quiet voice came from the shocked crowd. It belonged to a short, blonde-haired demon with snowflakes in her eyes. "You better hurry..."

"You have my thanks," Ain said, bowed his head respectfully and headed off towards the main facility.

"Is that human joining the Academy?" one of the demons asked.

"Unbelievable..."

"That guy is more vicious than a demon... poor Suri..."