Coming to terms

It's hard realizing that what you thought you wanted the most no longer holds the value that it once did. It's hard acknowledging that you've changed too much to appreciate it like you once did.

You can no longer lose yourself in it, nor can you truly feel what you once had. That's why many people often do not watch the shows that they idolized. They don't return to the places where they once lived. Not out of hatred or some trauma but rather out of understanding. They knew that the vision they held in their minds did not exist in reality.

A truth that I should have realized.

For more than a century, I had held on to some demented hope of a return to normalcy.

I believed that my return would revert everything that had happened. It would be like a dream.

A long and terrible dream.

A human's ability to poison themselves with hope is unmatched. When my memories of her face started to fade, I should have realized that it wouldn't be what it once was. When I could hardly recreate her voice, nor remember the feeling of her touch, I should've known.

Alexis knew, and she tried to warn me. She tried to create an actual connection to ease my burden. I had played along. All while continuing to idolize the past.

She knew that like she knew most other things. She tried to save me, but she could not. No amount of precognitive charisma would move me.

My stubbornness was unmatched. Tempered by a century of brooding and longing, it forged an unbreakable chain that held me to what once was.

Alexis had let herself fall in love with the world around her. In those last years, she had laughed more often. Her mouth formed into smiles easily. All the while, her eyes would fill up with pity when she looked at me.

I thought her delusional for wanting to stay in such a world. What of her family and her friends? Did she not want to see them again? It had made little sense to me. After all, she had been the one who was nearly catatonic upon our arrival.

"I don't want to see them again. Don't look at me in shock, Arnaud. I don't hold up a grand idea of what my return will entail. I've accepted what has happened and know what will happen upon my return. We've changed too much." That had been the response back then.

It had filled me with anger.

Why was she giving up?

What was wrong with her?

My anger had been partly against her, but it was also because a part of me had agreed. That was what truly got my blood boiling. The fact that I would ever think of staying had sent me into a rage.

A rage that led to battle, one that I emerged victorious from but had left me feeling empty. She had known.

She hadn't begged for mercy. She hadn't bent her knee, nor did she take back her words. She had smiled sadly at me and indulged in my rage. I had won the battle, but in all other aspects, I had lost.

My return had been the final piece that had cemented my loss. Upon arrival, I awoke to the blaring white lights of a hospital room. A feeling of weakness and confusion swept over me. In the background, I could hear crying and the voice of a nurse trying to comfort someone.

In my initial panic, I had attempted to leave the bed that I lay upon, only to grunt in pain. There had been bandages over my chest, and the sight of blood leaking out was all I needed to know that I was back on earth.

The nurses had heard the commotion and rushed back into the room.

They had been shocked to see me alive. I had been declared deceased over 12 hours ago.

My survival was a miracle to them, but to me, it was a tragedy. I finally understood. When my wife to be, rushed into the room and ran into my arms. I hadn't felt the emotion that I expected to.

I had been annoyed because she had only made the pain in my chest worse. Through her tears, I saw joy and love, but none of that reached me.

The sight of her swollen stomach made me feel as if a mountain was crushing down on my chest. My throat had tightened, and my eyes watered up.

I tried to hold it in, but eventually, I broke down crying. It was a slow process, but by the end, I was bawling my eyes out. I'd wanted so bad to scream and to rage at how unfair it was. I had completed the deal. Why wasn't everything back to normal?

To them, I was crying out of joy to be alive. In reality, I cried for what I had lost.

Eventually, I had fallen asleep, and when I awoke, it was to the sight of Alice sleeping beside me. She had stayed the night.

Soon after, she returned from the land of dreams.

She attempted to talk to me but, I didn't respond. I couldn't.

The doctors believed I was in shock and that perhaps my death had caused some form of damage. Their scans on my brain said otherwise. They had wanted to continue to other methods, but that was when I spoke.

I had insisted on returning home, and while they had avidly been against that idea.

There wasn't much that they could do about it.

Alice had agreed with them, but she ultimately sided with me.

They handed me a list of medications and instructions on what I should and should not do. I only half paid attention. My mind was still attempting to take in everything.

It was at that time that I noticed that my powers were weak.

My cultivation was only a fragment of its former self, and my meridians had vanished out of existence.

The qi contained in my body was so small and so pathetic that I nearly roared in anger. The abilities granted by my title were weaker than they had ever been. Everything was just worse.

The car ride home was silent.

So, here I was the next day sitting in silence as I ate a breakfast worthy of a king, but I felt nothing like one. Alice sat across from me, her fingers twiddling restlessly.

She took a deep breath before beginning to speak. "You know, Arny. I don't know what it must have been like to die. I can't possibly hope to understand that. You've been through something most men don't come back from." I looked from my meal to the see the sight of tears streaming down her face.

She looked so tired and confused. It hurt to see.

" I know that it must be affecting you, but please open up to me. I know it's selfish of me, but I love you, and I don't want to think about us not being what we once were." Her voice cracked as she spoke.

She reached for my hand and gently held it within hers. I could feel her shaking. The trauma of past relationships was probably floating through her mind.

For a second, I contemplated removing my hand.

" Maybe you don't feel that way anymore, but at least let's try to rebuild what we once had." There was a short silence filled only with her sniffles and choked sobs.

I looked at her hand and understood her pain. I had felt it back then, the pain of realizing that you've lost something dear.

But she was right, wasn't she?

I had spent over a century in that forsaken place. I had gone against some of my beliefs and morals to be here. I ignored the children I sired in those lands because I wanted to be a father to the one in her.

Was I going to give up just because it didn't immediately work? Would I let go because I didn't immediately feel love for her? Would I let that century of waiting go in vain?

"I don't know, Alice. I don't know what's happening." There had only been one other instance where I had felt so small. Back then, that had been due to something greater than me. Now it was out of loss.

Her hands tightened around mine. "Then let's figure it out together. That's why I'm here. We can work this out and keep moving forward."

As I looked into her eyes and saw the determination, it finally dawned on me why I had loved her in the first place. It hadn't been an instantaneous thing. It had been her character and compassion.

It was her patience, her care, and the kindness in her heart that had attracted me to her.

She had been what I could never be.

That was why I waited a century. That was why I had done things that were against what I believed in.

But that was in another world, a world that didn't matter anymore. In this one, I could live like I had wanted to.

As these thoughts came to me, I found myself in her arms.

"I would like that."

I wasn't sure how long we held each other, but when we finally stopped, it felt too soon.

It wasn't an instantaneous rekindling of what we once had, but it was a promise to not give up and to try.

My sacrifices wouldn't be in vain.

....

As I drove my car away from the city of Geneva, I let myself fall into a meditative trance. While my cultivation wasn't what it once was, what I had learned was still firmly rooted in my brain.

The mediative calm allowed me to plan and think ahead as I drove. After a century of not doing it, I was surprised to see that my instincts still worked.

All the while, I continued to test the limits of my numerator abilities. I needed to finish this without a hitch.

It might not be as powerful as it was, but it was still advantageous, especially in these modern times.

Alice hadn't been happy about me taking the car for a spin, but my insistence had eventually won her over. That was perhaps the one flaw about her. She was too kind.

She'd wanted to come with me to be safe, but I'd been against that idea. I told her that I needed some space and that I needed to terms with some things. It was a necessity in order for me to be able to start again.

So, she had let me out. I hadn't lied to her. I did need to come to terms with a certain truth.

It had come to me as a laid in bed.

I had come to terms with the fact that there was no way I could live peacefully with that bastard still running around. The mere thought of him was enough to get me to rile me up.

I needed to end him.

With a few calls and reminders of long-overdue favors, discovering his location had been easy. The only difficulty had been remembering whom to call for what purposes.

The man didn't exactly hide his traces.

This is why I was on my way to a chalet in the mountains.

The only detour I'd made was to get my gear and my companion. They were in the trunk along with the only companion I needed for this, my Hecate III anti-material sniper rifle, otherwise known as hex.

There were many factors that I'd needed to account for in order for none of this to be linked back to me.

Perhaps I should have planned more and waited, but I had no patience.

The possibility of me getting caught was slim.

Even if I was caught, I wouldn't regret it.

That bastard wouldn't know what hit him.