First Exposure

It was dark, as it usually was in the beginning.

Rin pushed through the first few layers of inky black subconscious. It used to scare her when she first started training. No matter how willing the subject was, their mind always rejected a foreign presence.

The walls made her feel like an invader.

She'd learned to move through them with intention and at a steady pace.

Gaara's seemed much stronger than most she'd encountered and she wondered if it were because he'd had so much time alone with his own thoughts?

When she finally made her way through the final barrier, it was enough to break a sweat in her waking body.

If she weren't careful, she'd overexert herself before making any real progress.

Am I even close yet?

There should be some sign; a guide of sorts.

Every mind was different. She'd seen various animals, like a dog or a snake, even a horse once.

Sometimes it was a teacher they admired or a favorite legendary hero. Whatever the mind felt around her, presented itself as such.

"Hi there." A small voice broke through the darkness and she turned to see the form of a little boy, with red hair and pale eyes.

Rin smiled. "Hello, Gaara."

He gripped a teddy bear and watched her. "Whatcha doing?"

"Well, I'm here to see you. There was something you wanted to show me. Do you remember what it was?"

He thought about it, his small brow furling. Rin wanted to laugh, he'd had that same expression from childhood.

"I'm not sure. I feel like I should."

"Do you remember my name?"

"Yep. You're Rin Ito from the Sound."

"That's right."

He showed her his teddy bear. "This is my bear. His name is Ruffy!"

Rin shook the tiny bear's paw. "Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Ruffy. Are you what Gaara wanted to show me?"

The child made the bear's head shake.

She stood up from her crouch and took a look around, darkness on all sides. They weren't going to get anywhere on this level of consciousness.

She turned to the boy and held out a hand. "Why don't we walk for a while and you can think about it?"

Gaara's smile made her heart hurt with its eagerness, as he nearly leapt to take her hand.

The darkness piled down on them, thick and suffocating with its presence.

Rin hummed to herself, before lifting up her arm, the one that wasn't holding the boy, to make a torch light above them.

Gaara's jaw dropped, examining their lit surroundings. "How did you do that?"

Rin winked at him. "There's a lot we can do in our imaginations. Does the light feel better or worse than the darkness?"

He held tight to her side, his eyes trailing through the deep caverns.

When he didn't answer her, Rin stopped walking. "Is there something you're afraid of in this place?"

Gaara hid his face in her leg. "No."

That felt like a yes.

"We'll come back here later. Why don't you show me where you like to play, Gaara?"

He thought about it for a moment and as if the question lit a fuse, the images around them began to shift in a dizzying kaleidoscope.

The ground beneath her feet went from a soft, squishy texture to dirt and dust. The air smelt hot.

Rin took a few uneasy steps and tried not to feel sick.

No matter how many times she mind-melded, it never seemed to get easier on the body.

Gaara wasn't affected by it, but it was his mind, after all.

She studied the scene around her and realized it was the Sand Village, but years ago. The shops Kankuro pointed out to her, were smaller, and old man Jiro's store wasn't there at all.

Before her appeared six children, each playing in the dirt with sticks and a makeshift ball.

The warmth of Gaara's hand left and he ran towards them. "My friends!"

Rin crouched down to observe, ready to take note of what kind of game he enjoyed.

She waited for the group to acknowledge their leader's son, only to find their play stopped, the ball they'd been tossing, suddenly discarded.

"It's Gaara."

"He's so creepy! Let's get out of here!"

They ran.

How awful. Kids are such jerks.

Rin rose up from her crouch, ready for the memory to be done, until it took a turn she didn't see coming.

Gaara's sand shot out from his hands. "No. Please don't run away. Stay with me!"

That same sand, which was gentle on her skin earlier that night, wrapped around the legs of the children, pulling them towards him. Their screams and cries were enough to make her want to intervene, but such a thing was impossible, this wasn't her memory.

To her surprise, a different person did what she couldn't. A ninja, who looked too beautiful to be a man, stood between Gaara and the children. "No, Gaara! Please, you must stop this."

Now, who are you?

Her child-guide stopped his tirade and looked to the ground, ashamed. "Yashamaru."

The memory faded into black and it was only the two of them left.

Gaara curled in on himself, holding his head and fighting back tears. His small voice whined. "Yashamaru.. I'm sorry."

Rin took a few steps closer, reaching out her hand to touch his head. "That's awful to relive. I'm sorry you went through that."

He rose up from his knees and hugged her hard, sobbing into her legs. "They were afraid of me. Everyone was afraid of me."

Rin held the child close. "Tell me about Yashamaru. Was he afraid of you?"

"Yashamaru?"

The darkness around them began to quiver and a sound like a heartbeat, vibrated the walls of his mind.

Rin tried not to gasp when images of the beautiful man, she'd seen a few moments ago, flashed through the walls like a photo book, but this time the face was bloodied and his eyes were empty.

Gaara hid further into her legs. "I don't want to talk about him anymore. I want to go now."

"All right, this was a big memory. I think we'll take a break for tonight. When I count down from five, you're going to wake up."

"Okay."

"Five. Four. Three. Two..."

Rin felt the last bit of her chakra fading, as she gripped his hand tighter.

"One."

All at once, they were no longer in the dark recesses of his mind, but in the dimness of his bedroom.

The candle burned halfway down on the nightstand and Gaara remained resting against the bed frame, his hand secured firmly in her grasp.

Rin let out a slow exhale. "Gaara?"

He twitched at the sound of his name, his tired eyes opening to assess her. "Hm?"

"How do you feel?"

He shifted the weight of his shoulders. "I don't know, how should I feel?"

She unwrapped the red ribbon, releasing their hands. "I'm not sure, honestly. Usually, when I perform this jutsu, it shows me a problem at work or a worry about a child's success in school. That kind of memory is one I'd expect on the fourth or fifth casting, not the first."

He leaned his head back. "It was a surprise for me too. I knew it was a bad memory for me, but for some reason, I wanted to show you. I don't even know why."

She rolled and flexed her wrist. "Who is this Yashamaru, would your adult-self want to tell me?"

Gaara closed his eyes. "He was my uncle on my mother's side. Up until recently, I thought he was lying about loving me my whole life, but events have told me that wasn't true."

"Why did you think he was lying about loving you?"

He opened one eye to look at her. "He tried to kill me when I was six."

Rin grimaced. "I'm... I'm sorry."

He shrugged. "If you're going to apologize for every twisted thing that's happened in my life, we'll be in for a long journey."

Rin began packing up her things. "I feel that will be the case, regardless. There's a lot going on in that brain of yours."

Gaara stayed where he was, watching as she blew out what remained of her incense and placed it in her leather-bound bag. "Do you think we made any progress in figuring out why I can't sleep?"

She turned to look at him and the honesty she wore on her face made a part of him hurt. "I'd like to think so, but your insomnia may be too engraved, even for me. I'm thinking I need more time with you, to gather what triggers you have. Do you mind if I come by earlier tomorrow night, try some further relaxation techniques before we start?"

He winced at the comment. "Am I that tense?"

Her eyes were half-moons when she laughed. "To be fair, I think you have a good excuse. Tomorrow, I'll start round two."

She gathered up her kimono and the rest of her supplies and excused herself out for the guards to escort her home.

Gaara's hand slid along the space on the bed where she'd left him, the absence of her warmth evident with each fall of his fingers.

~~~

When Rin made it back to the guest room, she quickly discarded her bag and fell face first into the bed.

The pillows formed around her head, the scent of sunshine and soap locked within them. She nuzzled her face further, trying to process what all she'd seen that night.

"This is going to be harder than I thought." She said to herself, turning to lay on her side.

She wanted to stretch her body out, maybe get something to eat, but as always, work came first.

Her fingers reached for the nightstand, deftly feeling around for her prize. Once they laid on the green notebook, Rin pulled it to her chest, scribbling away with the pen, so often tangled in her hair.

"Subject: Gaara, Kazekage of the Sand.

First exposure to Somnam Jutsu.

Mood: Eager, but doubtful of processes.

First contact of the subconscious delivered through guide and memories of child-like state. Memory... painful.

Guide seemed frightened of dark spaces within subconscious. Explore further.

Plan of action: additional relaxation techniques prior to casting to achieve deeper trust/bonding.

Results of first cast... inconclusive."

After reading the report more than once, Rin found the words blurring together. Without realizing it, tears came to her eyes at the memory of what she'd seen.

"I'm just tired. I'll feel better tonight."

She set the notebook back on the nightstand, blew out her lamp and settled down for sleep, just as the sun was beginning to rise over the horizon.

This schedule was nothing new to her, so drifting off wouldn't be a problem, though the irony of her being unable to sleep, wasn't lost on the kuonichi.

The last thought before succumbing to her exhaustion, was of that little boy, with the big smile and eyes filled with light.

Her heart hurt at how quickly they turned to despair and how little of that light returned, even now.

"Poor thing."