The Slaughterhouse Nine

I cleared my throat, and pulled off my best Robin Williams impression as I began.

"Goooooooood morning America!"

"And a good morning to all the other countries too.

Though, it's almost noon already. But hey, you know what I mean." I shrugged.

"Now I don't know if you know this, but the Slaughterhouse Nine is in Brockton Bay this week!

What joy!

I know what you guys are expecting me to say.

'Oh no~ The world's most infamous band of serial killers is in town! I can't possibly peddle my honest wares in such conditions!'

But fear not!

I'll be there.

I am a brave boy.

And also, because I might have maybe, probably already been in town when they attacked." I laughed awkwardly, lifting up the camera, pointing it to where Shatterbird was floating in the distance.

"So...yeah. I'm already in the Bay. And it's kind of too late to back out of this now. So, I have an even better offer for you guys today!

Have you ever wondered why the Slaughterhouse Nine are able to just go around the country on a murder tour, in some twisted allegory for the Beatles?

I mean really. These are monsters that massacre entire towns wherever they go and their kill count by now might as well be on par with the average Endbringer.

So it's not like they are some minor player that the Protectorate can ignore.

And yet, the heroes have never been able to quite catch them!

Don't you find that intriguing?

Why is it that the heroes, who vastly outnumber them, and fight Endbringers on the regular, aren't able to catch a measly little band of murder clowns?

Why can't the all powerful Triumvirate hunt the Nine down?

It's not like they need to worry about bringing them in alive.

They do all have kill orders on them, don't they?

So I was wondering, why can't the heroes ever catch this traveling freak show?

Are they that strong?

Sure, the Siberian is powerful and Crawler can adapt to anything you throw at him like he's SCP 682 or something, but that's all. Two of them are strong. Any two sufficiently fast heroes can keep them occupied while the others are dealt with.

And the rest? Just the same sacks of meat and bone as the rest of us. Maybe a little stronger, but nothing an average PRT mook can't handle." I said, waving my hand dismissively.

"So what?

Are they slippery?

Not really? They literally announce their presence wherever they go. And they stick around for a day or two at least, for 'refreshments' let's just call it.

So that's out of the question too.

Oh! I hear you say.

It must be because of that Bonesaw girl. They are afraid she'll spread one of bespoke nightmare plagues if they go after them.

But wait a minute. Doesn't she already do that? Even without anyone going after them, just for fun?

So that's not it either.

The only reason I can think of, the only reason that without any further knowledge seems logical, is because the heroes don't bother with it.

The only reason the Nine are still running free is the same reason the total population of the birdcage has less than 500 villains.

The rest of the villains? Still out there, doing whatever villains do.

It is clear today, that the PRT and the Protectorate are horrible at their jobs.

Next to useless, if not just plain useless.

Waste of taxpayer dollars.

Now you might say, GameBreaker, you are wrong~

The heroes are trying their best~

You just don't get it man~

And you know what, maybe you're right!

I might just be bullshitting you.

Who knows?

Maybe it really is sooo hard to deal with the Nine.

Maybe, I should shut my piehole and come back with some goddamn evidence!" I affected, before smiling something sinister, raising a finger.

"And that's exactly what I plan to do.

The Nine, are just weak. Pathetically so.

Anyone, and I mean anyone, with the right tools, can take them out. And...and before you start cursing at me, just hold tight and watch. Let me prove it to you."

I turned the camera to face Star, who began to fidget nervously.

"Everyone, meet Star, my son. Say hi to everyone Star."

"Hi everyone!" Star waved at the camera.

"Star here, is three years old."

"Papa!" Star protested, raising five fingers, "Am almost four!"

I rubbed his head, and laughed.

"Yes. Yes. Star is almost four." I said, turning back to the camera, "And today, Star is going to take down the fearsome Slaughterhouse Nine.

All alone.

Aren't you, Star?" I asked.

"Uhun!" Star said puffing his chest out.

"Now then, for those who don't know who the Slaughterhouse Nine are, that is for the 90 percent of the world's population that lives outside the USA, here's a primer.

The Slaughterhouse Nine are a group of nine murderous psychopaths led by Jack Slash, a guy with the power to cut anything, anywhere, across space, behind walls, through walls even. There's no defending against his attack. But he also only uses a knife, like a fucking pleb, so he's not really that big of a threat.

Then there's Bonesaw, tinker of terror. She's a high level bio-tinker that mostly runs support but can also creates cosmetic new diseases and monsters, kinda like Nilbog, but not as restricted or powerful.

Outside of that though, she's just a normal little girl. A bit unhinged maybe, but not really a problem unless you catch a disease or something.

Next are Shatterbird and Burnscar. No introductions needed there. Shatterbird can control silicates like glass and sand. You all heard her croak like a chicken at sunrise, a little while ago as the Nine came into town.

And Burnscar is pyrokinetic, meaning she burns stuff. A human zippo lighter. Albeit, she can also teleport through her flames. But still, same weak human below all that.

Just another young girl. Nothing too special.

Next, is Cherish, a daughter of Heartbreaker and the newest addition to this motley crew of dickbags.

She has the ability to control emotions and cause emotional spikes in her targets.

So you know, like take a Zoloft before you face her. Easy peasy lemon squeazy." I said, pulling out a medicine bottle from my coat and handed a Zoloft to Star who swallowed it straight down.

"And I'll be honest, I don't even know why the Nine admitted her in.

If your master power can be countered with a mild dose of over the counter medication, that's just disappointing.

Imagine you finally trigger with a superpower and you get that. Hah!"

"Though, I guess the fact that the heroes haven't managed to capture her despite such a simple solution just goes to show how pathetic the heroes are too.

Don't get me wrong, Cherish, totally weaksauce.

But the heroes who can't even take her down, tsk tsk tsk." I shook my head.

"If I was that sort of a hero, I'd just quit man. And curl up in a ball out of shame.

I'd never leave my room again." I laughed.

"Now, where was I?

Yes. The members of the Slaughterhouse Nine.

Right. Let's see.....who else was there...

Oh. Of course. Mannequin. That's the one, I think?

He's really forgettable, so don't blame me now.

He's a tinker who has the power to make self sustaining life preservation tech.

I know what you're thinking. With such a great power, why did he become a villain? Shouldn't he be a hero? Save millions of lives. That sort of tech sure could help defend against Endbringers, couldn't it?

And here's the thing. He was a hero. A long time ago.

Then one day, the Simurgh attacked his city, killed his wife and daughter, and broke his toys. So now he goes around breaking other people's toys like a moist, salty baby.

Boohoo. Your wife died so now you kill people. Tragic backstory, shitty excuse to waste your life.

My wife and daughter died too, but you don't see me going around breaking people's stuff, now do you?

I mean except the heroes' reputation, for being the pathetic wastes of human effort that they are."

That was a lie, but hey, the audience doesn't need to know that, now do they?

Sometimes you need to cut corners to paint a good story!

I continued.

"And hey, I also took revenge on the guys that killed my wife and daughter instead of moping around with Jack The Ripper's hornier, whinier gay cousin.

So you could stand to learn a little something there. You know, if you weren't going to die today.

Now who else was there.

I did talk about their two resident brutes, The Crawler, who can adapt to any damage dealt to him, and become immune to it. He's a bit masochistic I assume, given his appearance. You don't get that beasty without pushing yourself into painful scenarios headfirst. Or being a Case 53, but more about them later.

The other brute of the squad is obviously, the Siberian. She's a tough cookie, I'll give you that. More Breaker than Brute, she can ignore any laws of physics that apply to her body as and when she sees fit, and she's super strong too, so that's just a bad combination. Definitely to be avoided.

As for the ninth member of the Nine?

I really don't know much about them.

But given the Nine's roster over the years, I suspect it's probably another tank, a high level brute or thereabouts.

So that's that then. You have your introduction to the Slaughterhouse Nine for the non American viewers out there.

Let's get the show back on track!" I said, turning the camera back to Star.

"Just some final checks before my son here goes to task. Star, do you remember the plan?" I asked.

"Yes, Papa! Avoid big doggy and tiger lady. Kill knife man first. Take out the other accordiany." Star recited as practiced.

"Accordingly." I corrected, poking his forehead, "What did I tell you to do if you don't understand the meaning of a word?"

"Look it up on the computer." He said, "But I did! It says, do stuff the easiest way!"

"Good." I said, patting his head.

"Okay. Here's a warning for everyone watching. There's going to be blood and gore on here soon, so if you've got children and you don't want them getting scarred, here's your PG warning. Get your kids out of the room.

If you're faint of heart and can't handle a little blood, don't watch this either. I don't want any whiners coming up to me later bitching about 'muh children' and 'muh violence'!

If little Star can handle it, so can you. Man up. Grow some balls. That's all. Let's begin."

I strapped a GoPro to his chest, opening a split screen view on the feed, and opened a portal to a building near the Nine's zombie fog.

"Go get 'em tiger. Make Papa proud!" I said, kissing him on the forehead, whispering, "And don't die. Come back running if you are in danger, okay?"

Star nodded.

"I will!" He smiled, as he jumped in.