Just a Squabble and a Explosion

I needed to find the palantír err, The Orb. I went to Zatanna and tried to get help from the Justice League. Here's my summary of how it went: she said no cuz Satan gave me my powers and I called her a judgmental cunt. Her summary probably includes the fact that she blasted through a wall and I had to stop her spell casting before I was obliterated.

So I kissed and ran. It was that or hit her in the throat. Had to stop her talking somehow.

After that, I thought about going to Batman. However, after scouting it out and seeing him and Catwoman it wayyy too many tongue wrestling matches I scratched him off my list. I actually thought of going to Raven first but kept putting it off as a last resort.

Putting away my binoculars I walked back to my motorcycle from the pier after a day of intelligence gathering. Some people call it spying, stalking, and I call it what heroes have done since God knows when. The sun was going down on Titan Tower and my workday was just beginning.

Night is when demons need butt kicking.

Hopefully John Constantine doesn't find me either. That would suck.

Driving down the road, it just turned dark when I ran into a cloud of insects. Letting out a sigh through my nose so I didn't swallow any of the bugs, Apollinix the lower demon of the Order of Pestilence graced my presence on my handlebars.

"Apollinix," I said, "only stray kittens. Cockroaches. Dogs. Rats! How many times do I have to tell you 'no, you can't take a kids soul for a snack'."

"It's our time now Kevin!" The gaunt, sharktoothed emo freak spat in joy, "Your brother sends his regards!"

"Eh?"

He dissolved and a 'lovely' enlarged arm broke my neck in a closeline. Don't worry I think I break my neck like three times a month. I flipped, rolled a few times from my momentum while my bike disappeared into a corner store after shattering a bus stop and dragging it with the machine. My brother, in his tailed suit and cravat popped his enlarged shoulder out of socket, activating his power. The left enlarged shoulder being the arm he held the Orb in life.

"Where is it?" He growled. His voice corrupted by his inhumanity. "Where is the heart?"

My neck popped back and I groaned, "I think it's at the end of the stick in your butt."

Apollinix materialized next to me and picked me up, restraining me as my brother punched me in the gut so hard we slid back ten feet. Blood erupted from my mouth and I laughed.

"Brother, why are you dressed like that? You're cosplaying for Pride and Prejudice while I am Alex Mercer and Assassin's Creed combined. How about you drop this whole 'my precious' act and we get some coffee."

Apollinix reached down and next thing I know my balls felt like they were punched by a girl.

Oh wait, they were…

While all this was going on I watched as a gangster in the alley across from us began to stir.

"Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, always the odd one out."

"William, William, William, always the douchebag one out."

My jaw broke when the back of his hand found my face and he asked again. "You talk too much. Where is the Heart?"

The gangster called out, "Ey! What the hell are you putos doing on our turf?!"

"Do you know sign language?" I said to my brother.

I popped my right shoulder out of socket, activating my powers even with the weakling holding me. I gave him the bird saying,

"Oops, there ya go."

My boot planted in his chest and he made a car painfully have sex with the apartment behind it. Apollinix and the gangster looked at me wide eyed and I just glared at the girl who hit me the balls a second ago. The gangster dropped his cigarette and started running, screaming,

"Call the cops! Call the cops!"

Flailing my arm I threw the demon into the air where he dematerialized into a swarm of locusts again. I didn't get to see where he went because it was my face's turn to mate with the cement. Seeing my eye rolling across the street wasn't exactly cool and the second smash was a bit excessive. So, what did I do?

I punched him into the second story of the apartment complex right from the gnarlies. Groaning, I felt bits and pieces of my face click and clack together as I got up. I would be hurling insults at him and all the children I probably just aborted with my fist but Jesus my face.

So I spat and popped my neck as a police cruiser blared onto the scene. The officer used the car door as cover and drew his pistol. He yelled for me to freeze and I just looked at him. Then I turned my face so he could watch as I grew back another eye and said, "This is above your pay grade, pudgy boi."

As if on cue my brother flew down with an enraged vengeance. So what did I do? I hopped up and clotheslined him. Breaking his neck, I then punched into his chest, ripping out his heart, and I spitefully gouged out his eyes and buried him in another bus stop with a swift kick while he was down.

"Karma's a cruel mistress isn't it?"

The police officer dropped his gun, exclaiming, "Good god! Call Batman!"

Once the cruiser retreated the street was quiet. Only the sounds of rubble and the traffic on distant blocks wafted onto my ears. This continued until there was a ball of flame spewing from a corner store. My insides started simmering and I growled, "Y-you broke my bike!"

There was a shuffle directly behind me and I whirled my fist back and some soft looking Angel boy leapt back. He yelped, "Hey! I'm here to help!"

"Who the hell are you? Were you watching me?"

"Look, come with me! I'll explain later!"

"Hell no, you sus as hell!"

"Look!" He waved his sword he had been holding, "If I wanted to hurt you I would have-"

At that moment, a highly upgraded, mechanized van pulled up in front of the now flaming corner store.

"Aight!" The unmistakable voice of Cyborg spat, "Where the hell are the losers who woke me up in the middle of the night!"

They didn't appear to see us as Gar interjected, "Shhh! You'll make them run away!"

"Let's go Angel boy. Nice and slow."

"Agreed."

So I started running. The stranger close behind me saying in a hushed voice,

"I thought you said nice and slow!"

"We're not flying are we?!"

Another voice joined the two supers behind us, "Guys, c'mon. Scan the area we got work to do."

"Ay-ay captain."

"Got it Robin," Stone answered, "scanning."

"Quick!" I told Angel-boy, "Hide!"

I sat down at a bus stop and caught a newspaper that just so happened to be tumbling down the street on the wind. The angel, not knowing what to do, crammed himself in the roof of the small edifice and I internally cringed. Seconds passed and footsteps slowly came closer.

"Excuse me," Robin asked with a smug hint to his voice, "can I ask you some questions?"

Thinking fast, I probably passed for a hermit with how torn my clothes were in the bike wreck and little fight me and my brother had. Attempting to impersonate a hermit I said, "What? No get lost."

"But buses don't come out at this time in Gotham are you sure you can't spare us a minute to explain," he stressed the scene down the street, "that?"

Fire reflected off the trickles of water going down the sewer drains and the dew on the road. As if fate was guilt tripping me, some debris fell from the second floor onto a parallel parked car and the car alarm filled the silence. Still holding the paper over my face I stubbornly kept up the act grumbling an exaggerated, "Nope."