Sunset

Laughter. I found myself laughing and running. "Give up yet?" a voice shouted from ahead of me. His voice. It was so familiar like a sweet ballad. Teasing a smile from my face.

      "Sure. When pigs fly!" I shouted back, grinning. Everything was so familiar to me yet foreign at the same time.

      The boy stopped and turned around, his face was blurry, I couldn't see him but somehow I know he's smiling at me. "Hey, Leue, you'll find me right?" the way he said those words made my heart ache for a reason I can't put to words.

     I didn't even notice the tears streaming down my face, but I smiled back and said "Of course. I'll find you no matter what."

      Something flashed from my side, a blinding light. It was heading straight towards me fast, and before I could run towards him, I found myself floating in the air. My tears met with the cold raindrops, as if it was one of them. Beautiful yet cold.

***

    I woke up with tears in my eyes, I keep dreaming the same dream for the past two years now... ever since he died. I remember his face, his smile, his ridiculous green eyes that once brought me peace everytime I look at them. I know it wasn't anyone's fault,  not even his, but even suicide has a culprit.

   Mom and dad are probably awake by now and I can't blame them because after two years of rescuing me from anxiety attacks in public, they're used to hearing me cry myself to death at 3am. I've been living in hell ever since his death, because this is what I deserve. No, I deserve even worse than this.

   The worst part about losing someone you love is accepting the fact that they left you, with or without goodbyes, and every time you remember them, the memories you once shared will remain but the person you shared them with is now gone. The memories that were once the one that kept me going are now the reason why I'm constantly reminded that I don't deserve a good life.

   The night he saved me was once the light in my darkness but now everything is a blur, like watching the sun setting until darkness consumes the sky.

~||~

1 month later..

   The sky isn't as bright as yesterday, nice, this will be a better day for me. Yes Leue, if better means not being able to interact with happy people... sigh. Why did I have to do this again?

   Oh right, you're probably wondering what misadventure I'm in right now. Well, my parents decided to enter me in a camp... some sort of recollection where we had to share our secrets to strangers with many activities to do and such. But I know better than to put it that way, this camp is for depressed, lonely people who can't get over their past traumas... In short, this camp was made for people like me to get better or so they say.

   It's only been two days here and I just wanna be alone for ten minutes if that's even possible 'cause everywhere I go I see people who wants to interact with me, well it's for our own good I guess but still, I really am not a people-person.

    "Hey... Leue, right?" I was lost in my thought that I didn't realize someone was talking to me. Pfft great, so much for trying to avoid people, this place is full of them!

    I took my eyes away from the sky and looked at the guy who-- my breathing hitched, I need to get out of here-- this guy has the same eyes as his.

    Memories flashed through me in a snap and I felt hot liquid streaming down my face. "A-Are you alright? Was it something I said? Oh sh*t I'm so sor--" I didn't let him finish the sentence 'cause I didn't want anything from anyone, not even an apology for anything! I heard the stranger call my name as I ran but my emotions are too unstable to turn back.

    I ran off through the woods. God I don't even know where I am right now and running off like this might lead to my death but hell I've had enough of everything I might as well follow the same path he took. No! I stopped dead in my tracks, sh*t! I'm lost. I decided to just stop, I saw a huge tree and sat under it, I hope they'd notice I was gone but I am rather an unnoticeable person... lucky me.

    It's been an hour or so and the sound of the trees are starting to give me the creeps, the good one tho. Glad I never took my sweater off or else I'll be freezing cold, not that it was a big help but it still helped in keeping me warm a bit.

   Ah. Yes. Silence at last. I never thought that being alone in the woods would give me this kind of peace of mind and comfort in such a weird way. I closed my eyes, feeling the cold air brush the strands of my hair.

   I remembered that guy's eyes. They looked so similar with his. I shake my head, not wanting to let the memories take over me again.

    A year after his death, I became mute... Or rather, everything else around me became mute. I didn't want to be near anyone or talk to anyone, not even my parents and fortunately, I was an only child and they were always away to work, leaving me completely alone in that time when I needed them the most. I completely shut myself out. I was a goner, they said. I quit school which didn't really helped my case since I was at the end of my fourth year but prom was never in my option.

    But that day was the worst blow to me. I thought I was finally accepting what happened but when I found out about how it happened, I let myself be completely consumed with grief, anger and sadness. Nothing anyone ever said made me feel less numb.

   Two years and a month had passed, and here I am. Barely living a normal life. I have been an emotional wreck. I couldn't eat without crying. I couldn't talk to anyone without having a panic attack. I've had sessions with many different psychiatrists but none of those treatments really helped because I didn't even want to be helped. I know I deserve this sh*t. Hell, I deserve even worse than this!

   But regretting is too late now. I'm two years and a month late. His gone now but a huge part of me cannot accept that. That's why I am what I am today, because I'm still hoping that maybe one day, he'll come again to rescue me from this misery just like how he saved me that night.

***

   "...I think she's asleep... Should I wake her up or I'll just carry her back to the camp?" I heard noises, argh what now. Wait. I...slept?? Oh my god Leue, I can't believe you let yourself sleep in the middle of the woods! Thank god I was not eaten by a bear, 'cause that would've been a funny death.

   "N-no one is carrying anyone... I c-can walk by myself." Jesus, that was really a hard sentence to speak right there.

    Three people stared at me like I was the most interesting thing in the planet and I just want to crawl under the earth for goodness sake, "C-can you s-stop staring at me?" I snapped.

    The girl in her early twenties with a pretty neat hair, cleared her throat and said, "We were asked to come and get you since you fell asleep in the middle of the woods."

   "How did you know where I was and that I was asleep?" I asked.

   "Well, first off, your snoring helped quite a lot." he laughed but no one else did except for him. "I'm sorry. But seriously, you snored beautifully." Now it was my turn to laugh. Oh god this guy really is just like me. Awkward and not funny.

   I stopped myself from laughing hysterically when I noticed the third guy... damn his eyes. He was the guy from earlier, sh*t. I tried to get up but my knees gave up but before I landed face-first to the ground, two strong, warm arms wrapped around my waist.

   I turned around and saw his beautiful green eyes, they were too familiar yet foreign at the same time. It was like looking into someone I knew, someone I loved. I was too lost in his eyes that I started drifting away in my consciousness again.

   "Sleep tight, Leue. I'll carry you back to camp." His sweet voice whispered as I fall asleep once again.