Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
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"You ever noticed how the hinges on the doors in this castle are suspiciously well-oiled?" Elze noted. "It's like they expect you to kick them open to test if they're locked or not."
Linze sighed "Sis, please do not."
Elze knocked at the door. After a while, it opened.
Leene opened the door, dressed in nothing but an overly large t-shirt. She blushed and looked away. "My, this is embarrassing," the fairy mumbled.
Elze just snorted and walked past her into the room. "You are trying too hard to make it look like something happened. But we all know that nothing happened. Because in this here adventuring party, we respect the rule of dibs."
"It is a sacred rule," said Linze as she followed behind.
"Tch." Leene turned aside for a moment to grimace, then turned back looking all poised and proper again. "That is all that makes this unrealistic to you? Not..." Leene asked with uncertain hope - "Body types?"
Elze sighed and shook her head. "If you had tried to replace Monika in his moment of grief, no matter WHO you think you are, he would have MURDERED YOU."
"You are far too smart for that, Lady Leene," said Linze. She smiled sweetly and not at all threateningly.
"... Fair enough." Leene smiled and nodded.
"Hey, Playa!" Elze shouted into the room. "YOU STILL NAKED?!"
"I was this close to playing Kom, Susser Tod! (1)" I shouted from the balcony.
If the worst had happened, I would have gone full Dracula and taken this castle as my Castlevania. Particle Beams shaped like crosses would have erupted across Regulus lands. Irrational and disproportionate as it may be, it is only when you are willing to give everything from yourself that life actually means something. That's why it's called 'falling' in love.
The sun would never rise again. My world has ended.
Then I bounced like an orange striped tigger into the room "but now instead I'm Walking on Sunshine, Woh-oooho! It's time to feel good~!"
From one brightly-lit window to another "WALKIN' ON SUUN-SHIINE~!!!"
"Wait, this is worse," Elze said flatly. "Go back to being naked."
"Sis, that's - wait. I should not be objecting to that."
/"More like slipping and sliding,"/ said Monika. /"Well as long as it doesn't mean whatever gray overcast day passes for sunshine in London. I saw the original music video of that. I don't know if they meant it ironically or just actually happy that there's something going through skies in the British Isles."/ (2)
"While terrible food may be a meme, terrible weather in England is based in fact," I replied. "Even I know that much."
"What's England?" asked Leene.
"The land of angles. As opposed to Sirkland, which is the land of circles."
Monika groaned.
"Miss Monika, you're back!" Linze squealed happily.
Elze chuckled good-naturedly. "Well that bout of seriousness from you didn't last long, did it? Welcome back," she said to me.
I grinned back. "Happy to be here."
Well okay, it would be fifty/fifty that Elze would punch me in the face to break me out of the cringe zone, or she would be utterly hamming it up as a Floor Boss.
Ah, feels like a missed opportunity somehow. Maybe I really should steal a castle at some point.
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Which brings us to… breakfast.
Since Castle Zenovi was always expecting a siege they had well-stocked larders. Food helped maintain morale, and so they also had good cooks with expertise at making the most variety out of a limited ingredient list.
"Is this… chicken?" I asked. "For breakfast?"
"Bruh, Red Chicken House has chicken ALL DAY and ALL NIGHT on the menu," interrupted Elze.
"We're completely forgetting that it's supposed to be named the Silver Moon Inn, huh?" Linze sighed. "No wonder Miss Micah is so aggrieved."
Nom. Yae stuck a chicken leg into her mouth, and then pulled out leaving nothing but bone. I was simultaneously impressed and intimidated.
I carefully chewed the morsel in the mouth. Then I swallowed.
I looked towards Zorah and said "This is slow-roasted chicken, isn't it? Juicy, so tender it almost dissolves in the mouth, spices soaked clear into the meat, and skin that is less crisp than it is a crickled sheet."
She smirked at me. "Precisely."
I stood up and pointed at her "THEN YOU FAAAAIIIILLL!!!"
She sucked in her breath, gripped the edges of the table and hissed back "Whyyyyyyy?!!!"
"Because chickenjoy is supposed to be a twenty-four-seven treat and if you're making the customer wait for more than five minutes, you're doing it wrong! Fast and affordable, crisply-licious, juicy-licious! That is the Zahli-Bee waaay!"
"Kuh. You are changing the goalposts again, cheater!"
"If you want to compete at my level, then GET ON MY LEVEL!"
"If that is a challenge then you would be a fool to think I would not ACCEPT IT!"
Lydia groaned. "Don't we have more important concerns than this?" She then looked up from her laced fingers in a Gendo pose towards her liege. "Also, Mistress, please. No more mysterious black substances."
"Whoa, so you can't even cook?" I gasp exaggeratedly. "Wow all your womanly charms really just went to Zanac, huh?"
"Mistress we're still eating, please do not flip the table," Lydia spoke up hurriedly.
Zorah jumped onto her chair and pointed "I WILL DESTROY Y-"
WHAM.
Elze slammed her fists down onto the long ironwood table. "CAN WE JUST HAVE FUCKING BREAKFAST, YOU BUNCH OF RABID MONKEYS!"
On the left side of the dining table, from Zorah's perspective were me and the girls. She had the head position on the long end of the table, while to her right sat Lydia. Her other retainers did not join us for breakfast since unlike Team Zah theirs was not a relationship of quasi-equals in an adventuring party. I was as far away from Zorah as possible because if we were right next to each other we would probably start to kill each other or (as other may fear) start to make out.
Blech.
That would just be all greasy lipstick. I still had no idea of what Zorah looked like under that cakeface, nor any interest in finding out.
Zorah squinted. "I will not be disrespected as such by a guest in my own castle."
"If you act like children I will treat you all like children!" Elze clapped a fist into a waiting palm. "I will fucking SPANK the both of you, JUST FUCKING TRY ME."
Lydia glanced at Elze with a mixture of pain and envy. Then she turned towards Zorah and said carefully "Mistress, part of the duties of a noble is to be a good host. They have taken our bread and salt, and rules of hospitality behooves as to have tolerance. As I said prior, we have more important things to talk about."
Zorah grumbled and sat back down, muttering under her breath. If she wasn't noble, then she was nothing.
I leaned back and took a deep breath. "We may work for the same guy, but we are entirely different departments. I'm just waiting for a reply from the capital, anything after that is on a need to know basis."
"How mercenary of you," Zorah sniffed.
"Lady, unless there's an army of darkness coming down the Gap, I'm not interested in staying in this old castle any more than necessary. I got my own stuff to do."
"I do not know how, but you defeated General Bazoar. He is the weak point in that summoned Demon Army! You may not leave before telling us how!"
"Bazoar is immune to all magic and direct attacks, but the Demon Lord is immune to all magic but NOT physical attack. Of course, killing it would just desummon it and maybe Bazoar could just resummon it again?"
"No. A demon spends essence to remain in the material world. Killing a demon in this plane will cause enough backlash on its being that it would take some time to be able to translate into this plane again," said Leene. "Less powerful demons are easier to summon for this reason. They are available again in a matter of years instead of centuries."
I waved "Well there you go."
"And yet I notice you have not spoken just how it is you managed to survive that Demon Lord," said Zorah with again squinty eyes. "How much filthy lucre do you want for this information, mercenary? Will you not stand and fight?"
"I got places to be and people to talk to and people to keep safe. I have a grudge and I will RIP AND TEAR, but not in defense of this castle. If I don't have mobility that ruins the whole point of my DPS build."
"Fufufu," Leene chuckled with an indulgent smile. "You're somewhat of an idiot aren't you, boyo?"
Then suddenly the door to the dining hall was kicked open with a loud bang.
"ZAH PLAYA VON CHARA!" Charlotte yelled into the room. "IS ZAH PLAYA VON CHARA HERE?!"
Leene perked up "Well look who brought the whole package!"
"EEEK!!!"
"Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal, woman!" I screeched out. "How are you here already?!"
-.
Zorah squinted and mentioned evenly "Even at best speed trading fresh horses at every stop you should have taken at at least three days."
She shrugged. "Well it turns out if you throw Alan ahead of you far enough…"
Alan collapsed face-first onto the stone tile floor, one hand remaining up, flipping the bird to life and the universe in general.
Throw him far enough, he could set up a series of portals with the horses and carriages only limited by waiting for how long it would take him to land. The way for him to survive was to make sure that he's going to fall INTO a portal and so come out the previous portal at an angle that turns a deadly drop into a fall of a couple of feet.
"Holy shite, man. Why are you still alive? Your wife had better be the best lady, enduring this level of abuse from your sister-in-law is way out there!" I said to him.
"I have nine children and my wife is independently wealthy enough to support even more," he replied dully while still kissing the floor.
"Ah."
"Six of them are twins. And she's pregnant again. Triplets this time"
"HOW IS YOUR DUMBASS SELF STILL ALIVE?!" I screeched out. "Actually, on that note- this has to be intentional because I know contraception potions exist. Are you compensating for your luck as a man in other ways?!"
Alan flopped around. "It is a mystery."
"Ah! The fecundity of humans and their suffering, most of it self-inflicted, never ceases to amuse me!"
"Yeek!" Charlotte abruptly lost her poise and cowered in place.
I reached out and bopped the fairy on the top of her head. "Sit your bony ass down, Leene. You know Charlotte is under my protection."
Leene pouted. "As you wish."
"You… you hit Master." Charlotte's eyes glittered. "No one hits Master…"
I grimaced. "You will find that is actually a large part of the problem…"
Charlotte hiked her skirt up and set out into a dead run, stepping over her brother-in-law, before jumping onto the dining table. ("My spine!", Alan wailed.) Clack! Clack! Clack! - went Charlotte's shoes as she crossed the length then she drop-tackled me right off the table.
"Ah, my knight! I dedicate my bones, my body, and my life to do as you please!" said Charlotte bawling in gratefulness, as she tried to kill me by suffocating me between her breasts.
"MY SPINE!" I wailed.
"... This man is scum," said Lydia.
"Total scum," agreed Elze.
"How noisy. What improper guests you are," Zorah sighed. "Once again this castle is full of noise and chaos...!"
She scoffed - even as she tried to hide a fond smile behind her ostrich-feather fan.
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(1) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6kguaGI7aZg
(2) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iPUmE-tne5U