-Blame natural selection-

---

My dreams were a mix of horrifying imagery and pleasant subject matter or vice versa. As per usual for me I guess? I wake slowly, still snuggled into Xanthar's soft fur. I can't sleep alone. Lying on the bed in my own penthouse room makes me too stressed to sleep. I need someone nearby.

I shared a room with someone all my life. First with my mom. Then with Zeon until middle school. Shared with my cousin Faye until she moved out and my sister Kei began rooming with me. Even when I was at college I would have a roommate there. Always had someone nearby. I rolled around on top of Xanthar, having migrated over the night from his front paws to his back, and stretched lazily. From the gentle rise and fall of his back I can tell Xanthar was still asleep. I pet his fur with William's long fingers and tried to get back to sleep.

I didn't have anything important to do today right?

I had almost drifted off when there was a sudden spike of Distress. I sit up and was teleporting towards it before I even fully registered what I was doing. I appeared in Quackers's room and found the child crying softly into zer pillow.

The room was filled with soft fabrics and toys, I had spent a few hours giving the kid whatever ze needed to make the room feel good for zem. There was even a small pool on the side of the room for them to swim in. I blinked sleepily at the child. Quackers was curled around a pillow, there were many pillows piled up on top of them.

Sleeping with their litter mates. Snuggled together for warmth when the heating cut off.

I lie down on the bed and curled myself around zem. The pladibear makes a squeaking sound and shuffles closer to me in their sleep. I yawn and place an arm over them as I found myself drifting back to sleep again.

---

What.

What?

I woke up with Quackers snuggled into my chest, lying flat on my back in their room and for the life of me I couldn't remember how I got here. I sat up and glanced down at the mammalian creature smiling in their sleep and just looking so innocent.

I narrowed my eye at them. No. Stop it. Stop looking so cute.

I know what you're trying to do.

You're trying to make me like you.

Well it's not gonna work.

Quackers lets out a soft warbling snore as ze turns over in their sleep and wraps their tail around my wrist.

Not gonna work on me kid! I am a master of the mind! Do you seriously think such lazy methods of seduction would work on me?!

The Pladibear cub snuggled deeper into my chest.

Not gonna work!!!

I stared incredulously at where one of my hands had come up to begin petting zer soft fur. When did this happen?! Stupid hand! Stop that!

With more effort than I'd like to admit, I took my hand away from zer head and slowly raised myself up in the bed. Come on now. Off! Off I say!

Quackers slid down my chest and rolled back onto their bed. I was about to put a pillow on top of them (smother it! That'll teach it to try and seduce me with its cute sounds and soft fur!) but Quackers scrunched up their face and let out a sad whine at the disappearance of my warm brick/flesh. My eye twitched as they crawled unconsciously back to me, climbing into my lap and wrapping their flippers around me.

DAMMIT!!!

I crossed my arms over my chest (to express my anger! Not because I was holding my hands in place so I wouldn't try petting the kid again!) and scowled. I have shit to do! I can't spend all day in bed! I face palmed. Right.

I split another Me out and sent him to go do the morning chores. While he/I was making breakfast, I was doing a quick scan throughout the multiverse to see if anything interesting was happening today. Oh right, I was gonna go hang out with Jessie. Almost forgot about that.

With barely any effort I split off another Me into Miz's form. She floated there staring at William/Me sitting on the bed and giggled quietly. "You look comfortable~" I flip her/me off. "Feel free to replace me whenever." He/I grumbled.

Miz rolled her eyes. "Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to care about Quackers?" She/I suggest, voicing a faint thought I had been trying to stamp out in the back of our mind. "No." I pout petulantly. Miz sighs. "Yeah, it's not like I need yet another responsibility right? Especially when I'm spread so thin as is." we both giggle at the pun before she/I shrugged and Blinked away leaving me alone in the room with Quackers once more.

Bill finished breakfast and was going around waking the household up. Quackers was already stirring as he/I got to zer room. I took that moment to disperse William's form and Quackers woke up alone on the bed blinking sleepily at me floating in zer doorway. "Hey kid. Breakfast." I tell them.

Quackers looked around themselves for a few seconds, eyes furrowed in confusion before waddling over to hop off the bed and follow me out. The house was pretty big and new people always got lost. I should go get Google as well. I was shaken out of my thoughts when I felt Quackers wrap a flipper around my hand.

"....what are you doing?" I asked. Quackers looked away and shrugged. "I don't want to get lost…" they mumbled. I say nothing and start leading zem down the hall to get to the dining room.

---

I shake my head at Quackers's behavior as I/Miz sat around in Jheselbraum's temple. I watch the shrine maidens go through their morning routine. Some refugees had come by the night before and I saw Blue Rose tending to their injuries while Hutie carried some food from the kitchens for them. I get up from my seat and make my way over. "Morning girls!" I wave, easily slipping in between them to press a hand to a Multimur with a broken leg.

Clean break, easily fixed.

"Miz! Haven't seen you in a while. How've you been?" Hutie chirps. They're much older now, feathers turning gray. I'm reminded once more why getting attached to mortals was a terrible idea. I smile at them anyway. "Been good. Kinda boring. Just the same old stuff you know?"

Hutie laughs. "You haven't changed a bit." They pat my head with a large wing. The Multimur I healed thanks me "Praise the Axolotl and his missionaries." Which made me twitch but otherwise I moved onto the next person. Helping out in the temple was calming.

"MIIIIIZ!"

I squeaked as flaming hands picked me up and hugged me close to a warm, soft chest. "Quillia~" I pout. "What did I say about picking me up?!" I wiggled in her grip and the reddish Cyclopian woman laughs. "But your little squeals are so cute~" she raises me up to nuzzle her cheek against mine. "It's been too long~" she sighs.

I pat her horn with a roll of my eyes. "I know~"

Blue Rose glides over elegantly to -rescue- extract me from Quillia's embrace. "Really Quill. You should know better than this by now. You're nearing 200 years old." The crystalline flower organism scolds. She places me on the ground and trails some thorns gently through my hair. "You should go find Tina. She has been wanting to speak to you."

I tilt my head in confusion. "About what?" I try to think if anything had happened to her recently but the lack of triangles in this dimension meant I couldn't really see any new developments here. I've had arguments with Jessie over this fact.

She doesn't want any triangles in her territory. I was forced to concede to her complaints about how I've already got spy eyes everywhere else and Dimension 52 was one of the few places in the multiverse that was KNOWN for being absolutely safe from my gaze. I know she wanted to keep it that way.

So I waved bye to the others and ran off to find Tina.

---

I found her in the kitchen helping cook meals for everyone in the temple. "Tina?" I asked as I walked up to the counter. She blinked at me sleepily. "Miz! You're back!" She gave me a smile. I tilted my head in confusion. She LOOKED like she was doing fine, if somewhat tired. "The others said you wanted to talk to me?"

She nodded, carefully chopping the vegetables. "I wasn't sure how to contact you to tell you the news…"

"News?" I stared up at her.

Tina smiles, it was a bright smile but also a little sad. "I'm gonna leave the temple soon."

"Oh." I frowned. "Why?"

She scoops the chopped veggies into a large pot of water. "Mother won the election." She says. I blink. Oh right. I remember that happening on the news.

She made it onto the High Council in the Federation. And from what I can See, she's aiming for the top seat as well. I grin. "Congrats to your mom! But…" I pause. Right. Now that her mom was on the high galactic council and not just a regular seat, she was afforded more protection and attention. Tina only came to live at the temple because of the dangerous political climate where her mother's enemies on the board were hoping to sabotage the elections by kidnapping Tina to blackmail her mom.

Now that she's on the high council no one will DARE to touch her or her family.

Which means Tina has no reason to stay here.

"Oh." I say quietly. Which means I won't be able to visit Tina like this anymore. She'll have guards now. And as the daughter of a councilwoman they won't let just anyone come up to her. Especially not some unknown species like me with no real background.

"Oh…" I wilt a little and Tina comes around the counter to give me a hug. "I know...but...we can exchange Com IDs? I've already asked the Oracle if she could set up a few Computers and other communication devices."

I roll my eyes. "You barely managed to talk her into letting you all have a TV. You know Jessie doesn't want any distractions from your meditations and stuff."

In other words, Jessie is boring~

Tina sighs. "Yeah, it has been difficult. The Oracle is wise but she is also old fashioned." I hum in thought. "I can smuggle in some small Coms and you guys can keep them around to stay in touch?"

Tina looks around nervously. "Ooh...but that would be against the rules…" she says quietly, as if afraid that Jheselbraum would hear. I grin mischievously. "Why not? It's not like you're hurting anyone? This is a good thing~"

I tug on her robe. "Don't you want to stay in touch with your friends? With us? With me?" I gave her my best sad small animal eyes.

Like a true demon I couldn't help but tempt her. At least it was something innocent. It's not like I'm trying to get her to do something bad. Just to keep in contact with her friends when she leaves. A problem with the priestess types like Jessie is that she believes isolation is the best way to get the peace and quiet necessary for enlightenment.

Hah! I'll have you know that trying to meditate while there are distractions everywhere is the better way to do it! Cause then you're trying even HARDER to focus! I do that with Ax all the time! I am definitely helping him learn to ignore distractions!

Wait. Does that mean he's ignoring me?

Well he does ignore most things so…

And he does ignore me whenever I'm just messing around…

Which means I helped him practice meditation! Yes. That is definitely how it works. I nod to myself. Which means that giving the Shrine Maidens secret Coms is a good idea! It's a brilliant plan! I talked Tina into it and we sneakily spread the word of our plan to the others.

Miz's Credits account was finally used for the first time in centuries when I purchased a whole bunch of Coms for everyone. I also took this time to get separate Coms for Miz, Bill and Jan. Miz's for keeping in touch with Tina and the others, Bill's so my friends can contact me without having to summon me or be in danger and Jan's so Ivanlock can contact me instead of just waiting for me to show up.

Perfect idea.

Several months after this I would be summoned by Jessie and angrily scolded for hours.

Apparently some of her shrine maidens discovered the internet.

And of course I had forgotten to talk to Jessie about that thing that was bothering me, but by that time I was busy bothering Ax while he was trying to meditate...or sleep? Either way, I didn't want to be ignored by him!

Go bother Ax

---

I brought Xanthar with me to visit Queen after breakfast. It wasn't just an excuse to leave since Quackers kept attempting to follow me around the house. Besides, Keyhole and Hectorgon were home to keep an eye on zem and Google (who I sent to bring food for Johan) so it's not like I'm leaving them alone. "Sorry I haven't been by in a while. Life's been...busy?" I apologized. Queen shrugs, weaving some vines together as she constructs a building. "I have been busy as well."

She's spent the past few decades helping the Silverfish rebuild. Caring for them, educating them, healing them. The kingdom was slowly being rebuilt and the people were twitchy and somewhat...difficult to be around but Queen patiently cared for them all.

I spent my time here helping Queen build more housing for the people. The Silverfish still creeped me out. So gross. Xanthar helped Queen carry heavy supplies. I grew the plants into each other and strengthened their bases.

After a bit I floated off to try and practice magic some more. I think I was slowly getting the hang of it. If getting a host in the 3rd dimension still limits my powers, I needed to have SOMETHING I can use instead after all. I know it'd be much easier if I had a focus to channel my powers through but I didn't like the idea of relying on such a thing.

There were other types of magicks, Invocation was the magic of Names. I already knew about that one. It's how people can call for my attention simply by saying Bill Cipher three times in a dark room. Most Invocation was simply calling for the attention of a spirit or god and having THEM cast the spell FOR you. Which wasn't gonna work for me since there's no way any gods are gonna help me.

There was also calling on a God for their assistance/blessing through prayer. People pray to the AXOLOTL constantly but he's not required to respond to prayers. Not unless they invoke him and no one knows the proper way to invoke his name except me and Time Baby.

Then again, not everyone can speak backward.

And most don't seem to realize you're supposed to spell it out. The letters themselves don't matter (English doesn't exist yet) all you need is the proper INTENT. Really though, if people think you just need to SAY Ax's name to get him to respond, they are wrong.

I trailed along the area, dodging past Silverfish with a barely hidden shudder. I found a quiet place and floated down to sit on the grass. Ugh, there better not be mud here. I reached out to grab onto some long grass and began twisting them between my fingers.

There was a type of Druid magic I discovered on this one planet a few thousand years ago that I wanted to try out. It was essentially asking the plants to do stuff for you in exchange for your power. Shouldn't be that difficult…

Queen found me screaming at a tree a few hours later and twitched her antenna before turning to lead Xanthar away with her. "I think we should leave Bill alone for a bit." She tells him.

"Come ON you STUBBORN FUCKER! I got you water! I gave you my ENERGY! All I ask in return is some fruit!" I screeched at this stupid hunk of wood that just...REFUSED to do what I wanted. "WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!?"

The tree didn't respond.

"BLF GSRMP GSRH RH UFMMB?! R DROO VZG BLFI DSLOV UZNROB!!" I screamed at it.

The tree remained unmoved. I kicked it in frustration. It didn't even acknowledge me. "DON'T IGNORE MEEEEE! 我会让你着火!!!" I kick it again.

Well FINE then!

I cross my arms and huff. "Yeah? Well I...I didn't want your stupid fruits anyway! I bet they taste terrible!"

When the tree continued ignoring me I stomped off to go talk to a rock instead. I bet it would make for better conversation.

---

Queen sat down beside me quietly. Xanthar wrapped a large hand around me. "So. Bill. How are you doing?" Queen says as her thorax contracts with what I can tell are barely suppressed laughs. I lean against Xanthar's hand and shrug. "Pretty good. Been having a riveting conversation with this rock here. You know he's getting married soon?" I pat said rock which I had drawn a face on with some crushed berry juice.

Queen for her part, manages to nod politely. "Well that's very nice for him. Who's the lucky bride?"

I point at a large flower a few steps away. "Groom actually. Rockeal is a progressive hunk of granite." I explain. Queen claps her thin hands together. "Well congratulations to the happy couple."

I nodded as I plucked at the grass. We sat there peacefully until Queen sighs. "What's wrong Bill?"

I moan dramatically as I flop over Xanthar's hand. "Stupid trees and grass won't do what I tell them to."

Queen doesn't even hesitate "Have you tried asking nicely?"

"I did! I even said 'please'! But they still refused to do what I wanted…" I grumbled about ungrateful plants who take my energy and don't even give me anything in return. Queen gives me an unimpressed look. "What exactly are you trying to do?"

"I was trying to use Druid magic." I allowed some more of my power to seep into the grass around me. Hello? Can you hear me~? How does one commune with nature anyway? The grass grew, hungrily feeding on my power to duplicate their cells but otherwise didn't react to me.

She twitches her wings. "Why are you trying to use Druid magic?" She asks. I debate with myself for a few seconds before replying "I wanted to see if I could." I know Runic magic. That's easy. It's all about writing down symbols in the correct order to create the effect you calculate out. Like ら尸凡尺に 凡 下乚凡州モ. Or ነየልዪጕ ል ቻረልጠቿ since there are different runes in all different languages that can be used. It made runes incredibly versatile so long as you know what all the symbols meant.

The only problem was it took time to write out. Not that useful in emergencies. I figured Druid-craft would be faster since most of Earth was covered in plants. Just feed my power into the greenery and BOOM! Magic.

Unfortunately I don't think I was doing this right. Was I not giving them enough power? Were my intentions not getting through to them? I'm a master of the mind but plants didn't exactly have such a thing. Plus I was never really an outdoorsy type of person. I have my gardens that I cared for (and yes, I do consider Xin's farm planets my garden as well) but I don't really communicate with plants.

Queen gives me a fond, amused look. "Well I'm sure you'll get it eventually. Try taking a break. Clear your head and work on something else for a while."

I conceded her point. I was too frustrated to work on this. What other types of magic could I try? There's Incantations which was just memorizing and reciting Spell words. Those took a while though. There are quick Incantations but those required a magic focus to channel your intent through.

Maybe I SHOULD just make myself a wand.

And a dress.

Just go full magical girl for this.

I laughed hysterically at the idea. What if Time Baby gets a heart attack from seeing it? Was he even capable of such a thing? I laughed myself silly while Queen elegantly put up with my antics. "I would ask what you found so funny but I'm certain it only makes sense to you." she says blandly.

"Magical ☆ Chaos Illuminaughty!" I manage to wheeze out in between my laughter. Queen sighed. "It only makes sense to you."

I pound a little fist on the ground. "An-and instead of friendship speeches AHAHAH I give corruption speeches!" I laugh "But I'll need a cute animal sidekick and I'm sorry Xanthar but I don't think you would work."

"I am completely lost as to what you're talking about." Queen twitches. "But I will be going back to work now. Feel free to join me whenever." She flutters off as I roll around on the ground laughing.

"I'll need a theme song!" I declare, sitting up abruptly. "Uh...what WOULD be my theme song?" But this point I had already forgotten what it was I was originally doing. Making my own theme song was more important.

Xanthar gives me a blank look. He always gives me blank looks. "What do you think Xan-Xan?" he snuffles and rolls over on the grass. I plop onto his belly and rub it. "Yeah maybe not. I don't even have a costume yet…"

My Com buzzes and I flip it open "Yellow?"

"Where are you Bill? The kitchen is on fire and the fire extinguisher is empty!" I hear Hectorgon screaming from the other side.

"I installed the sprinkler system. You guys are fine~" I slid down Xanthar's side to rest on the grass. "If that doesn't work, there's an extra fire extinguisher in the cupboard near the fridge."

I hear some shuffling sounds and Hec's voice shouting "Grab that- no that! Over to your left! No Quackers you can't touch it!" Sounds of clattering "Miss Google please get the child out of the room….yes I can handle this!"

I can hear the splashing that signaled the sprinklers were working fine. "Quackers put that down!" More splashing. "Do you need me to come home?" I asked. "We're fine." He says. "Sorry for bothering you." I hear the fire extinguisher going off before the call cuts off.

I open my Eye to check up on him anyway. Looks like Quackers tried to cook and knocked over all the oil bottles. The sprinklers going off actually made everything worse as it just floated the fire on the oil around the room and down the hall. I really can't leave them alone can I?

I groan and tug on Xanthar's arm. "Looks like I'll need to go home. Are you staying with Queen for a while or?"

Xanthar snuggles further into to the grass. I pat his side. "Alright. I'll come pick you up tonight then."

I Blink home to begin repairing the damage. Note to self, don't leave my cooking oil on the counter.

---

Quackers shuffled nervously under my hard stare. "Why were you trying to use the stove on your own? It's too dangerous." I asked. Ze makes a frustrated sound. "I wanted to help…"

I close my eye and sigh. "Well...next time, ask me or Hectorgon and we can cook together. Don't try this on your own."

At the words 'together', Quackers looks up at me and I swoon at the sudden burst of 'happiness'. Fuck?! What was this?! I wince as Quackers continues gazing at me with wide eyes. Dammit. Quit looking at me like that. I turn away. "So don't mess with stuff on your own. I can't let you burn the house down."

I feel zem gently take my hand again. I tremble before pulling away "But you're still in trouble for burning the kitchen down. So kindly go to your room. I will come get you when it's dinnertime." For now I had to make lunch.

Quackers says "Okay…" softly before waddling off to zer room. I close my eye and groan. It's pointless to deny it. I can't dislike that kid. They're just too cute. They're my child now after all. Mine.

I turn and follow Quackers to their room.

I find zem wandering the hallway to the gym, utterly lost. I managed a quiet laugh. "Need some help kid?" I float down to them. Quackers sheepishly glances at the gym. "I forgot how to get to my room." Zey admitted. I sigh and reach out my hand, looking away from the Pladibear. "Come on. It's a little hard at first but you get used to it."

I felt another burst of 'joy' and shuddered. Quackers wraps a flipper around my hand and I lead then back to their room. They were swinging my hand and waddling cheerfully. I sneak a few glances at my child. Mine.

"It's not fair you know." I comment.

Quackers tilts their head in confusion. "What is?"

"How adorable you are."

Quackers flushes in a flattered way. "Really?"

"You're too cute for your own good." I grumble. How was I expected to remain unattached when this child stares at me like that. "So...how are you adjusting to life here?"

Ze goes quiet. "It's okay. I get food and toys…" ze looks down. "You're all really nice. But…" ze sniffles. "I miss my siblings." ze admit.

I pick Quackers up and hug zem to my bricks. "Sorry I took you away from them. I can't...go against a Deal."

Quackers sniffles again. Their snorts turn into honks as they begin crying. "W...hy did you h-have to take me away?" Pladibears don't have tear ducts but the lack of tears did nothing to diminish the grief I was tasting. "Why d-did mommy no-not want me anymore?"

I could have told zem that their mother didn't care. I could have said that she loved money more than her own children. I could have said she was a terrible, awful person. I could have said many things, true or false. I could have made Quackers feel like it didn't matter or I could have reassured zem that their mother wanted a better life for them.

Instead I said "I don't know."

Because there was nothing I could say that would make this any better. Whatever the reasons that exist, she chose to trade her own child for a chance for money.

Quackers honked loudly as they cried and I floated us the rest of the way back to their room. I end up shifting into William's form so I would be a little softer to hug. We sat down on zer bed and I hummed quietly while stroking zir head as they continued sobbing.

I felt bad but a Deal's a Deal. I can feel Quackers was more upset that their mother apparently didn't want them, than the fact that I had -kidnapped- surprise adopted them.

I was at a loss for what to do so I just held Quackers and hummed until they got this out of their system. I'm not really the best at comforting people I don't think? I mean...I guess I do well enough with the twins with their problems but...I've watched them grow up, I understand them more.

I don't know much about Quackers, maybe it's about time I learned.

Ignoring zim wasn't gonna be an option. Not now that ze has wormed their way into my affections. Damn, cute little cuddly creature…

I hung out with Quackers for the rest of the day. We stayed in their room since they were still being 'punished' for setting the kitchen on fire and we played with Quackers's stuffed animals, making up a story with their toys and having a grand time of it. When another Me (which I split off earlier) came by with lunch, we were in the middle of sending the dolls on an epic quest through the solar system seeking a magical flower that would make the sky rain fish.

Long story.

The other Me glanced at me while Quackers happily munched on the plate of veggies with content squeaks. "So...we're keeping it?" He asks me. I nodded resignedly. "I'm keeping zem." The other Me smiles. "About time. You really thought we wouldn't love them?"

"I know~I just didn't want to admit it." curse my non-existent heart. The other Me laughed even as we fused back together. I pouted. "Still not a tsun-tsun…"

"Hey mister Bill?" Quackers looks up at me. "What's up kid?"

"So…since you're my new mommy…do I need to call you that?" The Pladibear asks. I shrug. "Call me whatever you want." Ze waddles over and buries their head on my stomach in a hug. "MomTwo?" they ask. I laugh "Sure."

They wanted to take a nap so we ended up sleeping on the large bed, curled around each other until dinner time.

---

I could not stand the smug knowing looks being sent my way by Hectorgon, 8-Ball and Pyronica during dinner. PaciFire took one glance at me holding hands with Quackers and snorts. "Still can't believe people think you're evil." I tip his chair over and grin maniacally at his grunt when he hit the ground.

Keyhole sighs. "So...is Quackers an official member of the family now?" He asks.

I lift the round alien onto a stool and pat their head. "Yup. I'm gonna go find a Childgarden to enroll them in tomorrow." Also start a bank account…actually, this is the perfect time for a little something I've been planning for a while…

Kryptos frowns. "You mean you're not gonna place them in the same one that the twins were in?"

I shake my head as I scooped a little of each side dish into a large bowl and slid it in front of my youngest. Quackers happily digs in with wet snorting sounds. "Quackers isn't demonic in ANY way whatsoever. Plus, they haven't been seen together with me in public so I'm hoping to hide their relation to me."

I wonder about that. The kid will need papers. A Federation ID and such. I did a quick search on zir mother and found that she DID have her children registered. I will need to make a copy of Quackers's information and forge some adoption papers. And then forge more papers because the whole point of this was NOT connecting this child to Bill Cipher.

I hate paperwork. I'm just gonna have Hectorgon hack this shit into the Federation servers later. It didn't change the fact that I needed to have Quackers listed to one of my other identities as my child.

But which one?

And how do I keep zir mother from finding out and thus connecting my other identity to Bill Cipher? Wait. I got it. Just forgo this issue entirely!

I turn to Hectorgon. "I'm gonna need your help with something later."

---

Making a Deal with myself was...odd to say the least.

It was a simple plan. Go somewhere public as Bill (with Hectorgon and Pyronica tagging along because they was pretty well known for being my Friends) while carrying Quackers like zey were my pet, have Miz wandering around with the manuscripts for my next book, accidentally bump into Quackers and drop my pages…

I had to sit Quackers down for a full explanation of the plan. Zey didn't really get it but I told them to just stay quiet and to refer to Miz as Miz. Even if we were the same entity, we were separate identities. Hectorgon told me my plan was too convoluted. He just doesn't understand my brilliance.

Miz/I trip over Quackers (who was on a leash) just as I planned. The onlookers who were already wary of me being out and about (I heard many of them whispering worriedly about my new 'Pet', saying things like "That poor child." and "Is that a slave??") all gasped when Miz and Quackers fell over, my papers scattering everywhere.

"Oh no!" I (as Miz) cry as I scrambled to pick my stuff up. Quackers still seemed confused by the plan but kept their mouth shut obediently. Bill gasps dramatically. "I am very sorry ma'am. My new pet is just SO clumsy!" I had a silence bubble around Quackers's head so ze couldn't hear what was being said, this conversation was going to be potentially triggering for them after all.

"...definitely got cheated on this Deal, didn't even WANT her firstborn…" I grumbled loudly before looking back at Miz trying to gather her/my papers.

"Um…" Miz/I squeaked as she stared up at Bill/Me. That's when Pyronica lit up and stepped up. "Hey~aren't you that kid we abducted when we raided that candy store like...a century ago?"

"Nope. Definitely not I!" Miz grins nervously as she backs up. Bill/I glanced at Pyronica "You mean that time when you guys brought home those bags of candy bars? Those were AMAZING!" I pout "Can't believe you guys did that without me…"

"You were busy and we shared with you anyway~" Pyronica waved me off.

The crowd was listening closely now. Miz/I backed up and held my papers to my chest. "You've got the wrong girl…" I laugh nervously "I'm definitely not the one you grabbed by accident thinking I was a person shaped container filled with candy…."

Pyronica frowns before straightening with a bright smile. "Yeah you're right! That was a long time ago. Man...I miss that girl." She turns to Bill/me "You know I was planning to bring her home to be your new pet."

I rub my bricks. "Really? Well too bad she escaped then huh?" Me (as Miz) was quietly shuffling away from the group. "I'm sure she would have made a nicer pet than THIS." I pet Quackers head, since they couldn't hear any of what was happening they snuggled against my hand adorably.

I gasp. "Oh! I have a GREAT idea!" The people around us wince in fear. Bill Cipher and ideas were not something they wanted to hear in one sentence. I turn to point at Miz. "You there!"

I 'meep' at the stare directed at me. "Y-yes sir?"

I materialize my cane and twirl it lazily. "How would YOU like to have a pet?" I grin madly at my other self. She/I tremble a little. "What do you mean sir?"

Hectorgon sighs and face palms. "Bill. Just because you don't want your pet doesn't mean you can just...hand it off to the first person you see…"

I wave him off. "Pffh! Why not?" I turn back to grin at Miz, leaning in and growing until I was towering over her. "You can't fool me kid. You're that pet Ronica wanted to get me aren't you?"

I tremble under Bill's gaze. "W-well I'm not your pet!" I managed to squeak out. Bill pulls back and laughs hysterically. "You sure AREN'T!" the laughter abruptly stops. "And if you want to keep it that way then you better take this unwanted responsibility off my hands." I smile at her almost kindly.

"I can't dump this kid off since I got them in a Deal, so the only way to get rid of them is also via a Deal. How about it kid? You take this thing and I WON'T take you?"

"But that's not fair-"

"WHO SAYS IT HAS TO BE?"

Miz frowns but takes Bill's hand. The fire was a simulated flame, not a Deal fire. But it certainly looked authentic. Bill pulls back with a self-satisfied look. "Well. That's one problem that's no longer mine." I pick up Quackers and place them in Miz's arms. "It's YOURS now AHAHAHA!" He continues laughing as he floats away. Hectorgon giving Miz a sympathetic look before hopping after me.

God damn pronouns are hard.

As soon as they were gone the crowd around me began coming forward with sympathy and pity. "Are you alright?" "I feel so sorry for you." "At least this poor Pladibear cub isn't in his hands anymore."

I managed to assure the people that I was fine and that I needed to figure out what to do with my new child. Many of then gave me their advice on childcare and many more were shaking their heads at the thought of Quackers's real mother apparently trading her own child for a Deal with Bill Cipher.

Either way, mission accomplished. None of Bill's enemies will be coming after Quackers. Clearly Bill Cipher didn't care about them and even Dealt the kid away just to get rid of them. Quackers was safe, I can get the proper adoption papers from the Federation and no one will know any different.

I hugged Quackers to my chest. Zey really was incredibly soft. "Come on kid. Let's get you an ID." Miz had plenty of credits stored up after all.

---

"I still think this was an overly convoluted scenario." Hectorgon tells me as we got back home. Miz was still out with Quackers and probably won't be back till tonight. I shrug. "I had to make it clear I don't care about them."

Hectorgon sighs. "And in the process, make yourself seem like even more of a bad guy."

"Please, I could volunteer at a hospital or soup kitchen and they'd STILL think I was up to something nefarious. Screw them and what they think." I mean, I suppose the fact that I would burst out laughing random while doing volunteer work might be seen as suspicious behavior...

I float off even as Hectorgon sighs. I know he's worried about my reputation but there's no fixing it. Instead of trying to make me seem like a good person, just use the bad press to my advantage. It's easier than stressing about it.

Speaking of stress.

I sat in my garden and frowned. I still wanted to figure out magic. If I ever wanted to get to the 3rd dimension without building a portal capable of tearing through that...weird barrier between me and it, I would need to find alternatives.

I can possess anything there and have a 'body' but I didn't like how it limited my powers. Learning magic is my best bet for retaining my abilities.

I refused to leave myself helpless to defend myself if the time came for it.

I Blinked away to Earth. What better way to practice than by doing after all?

---