Anatta

Beep beep beep beep… A charged phone on the desk was chime in the silent room. Thirty minutes before the sun rises, the bed sheets must be fixed before changing to my sportswear and laying down my yoga mat. My mentor was none other than watching videos guiding me online. "Just follow the sound of your breath and," I let it all out while pressing my hands on the earth.

Heading downstairs from my room to the dining table, I found mama on her earphones and taking notes. I walk to the salty but sweet aroma of the dried fish and the fresh warm plate of rice. The boiling water was ready for mama's instant coffee. "Here mama," I said as I poured the water. "How many laps did you get today?"

"Seven," ma took off her earphones and stopped writing.

"Aww… I could never do that," I tried to wake up as early as 4:30 am to jog around the neighbourhood with ma. After about a week, I realised that it's no way better than getting enough hours of sleep. "What were you listening to?"

"The wise monk speaks of anatta."

"Anatta? I read about it somewhere while researching the history of Buddhism for homework. They say it's the idea that humans have… non-self."

"Nothing in life is permanent and it's full of unpredictable events . Everything is always changing, growing and evolving."

"I read it in Preah Atity Thmei Reah Leu Phendei Chas. It says that life is full of unpredictabilities but it's an opportunity to learn and grow." While I was having breakfast, my mother went upstairs to light some incense and pray to the guardian spirits. After cleaning and putting away the dish, I sweep the dust and mop the floor in the dining and living room so that ma won't call out on me.

Damn it! Almost forgot to brew some morning tea for papa. He's probably still upstairs listening to his own daily podcast or on his laptop, working on house design for his customer. Sometimes I find him at the dining table with ma, ranting about this and that before going for a shower.

There was nothing like a morning cold shower to keep you up and fresh as a daisy. Putting on my comfy black pants, a blue T-shirt and tying my hair in a simple ponytail, I start writing the list of tasks I need to get done by the day. Reviewing the history of Singapore is one. Then my daily maths exercises and finally, five reduction-oxidation problems. Getting my textbooks and notebooks ready for the living room, I tremble little to the footsteps from next door.

The sun was at its brightest while the sky was clear as crystal. Just before work, I must immerse myself in the work's classics. Wiping the water off my eyes from reading the passage of this book. Som, the main character of my comfort novel, is just too pure and good to be true. No matter what the world throws at him, he remains ever kind-hearted. He resisted the urge to steal and cheat in life, the poor man is a hardworking and loving husband to his wife plus when this man is at the brink of death, he steals but returns the money out of guilt. This man here has the heart of a Buddha. Father would argue that such a man like him is dumb and weak but he and I never see eye to eye in anything, not even ma and big brother.

About half an hour passed as I was getting to chapter 16 of the novel, the everyday volcano had erupted from upstairs. "EVERY SINGLE DAY!" my father shouted. "It's always money, money and money! Just what do you do with the money I gave you yesterday, huh? Gamble?"

"Why would I gamble?!" ma was somewhat in the line between a calm sea and a violent earthquake. "I asked for 200,000 riel and all you gave me was 80,000 riel. I used it all up to feed the whole family. So how am I supposed to save it for later?! I can't even pay my own debts."

"It's your problem so deal with it on your own!"

The sound of thunder was all over the place. I bet that the roaring thunderstorm has reached the neighbours next door and even my sleeping brother. Best option was to seek refuge at the balcony where the mind can roam free with the clouds. It was hot but not desert hot, rather it was bright and warm. You get a bird's eye view of your everyday neighbours. Parents coo and calm their screaming children. One lady in her fifties was watering her white gardenia, arabian jasmine, red needle flowers and the list goes on. A little girl accompanies her grandmother to the flea market while a man and his teenage son are jogging together under the bright sun. "Bread," the breadseller, on her bicycle carrying loaves of bread and different kinds of pastry. "Bread, bread, all kinds of bread and pastry. Come get them."

Despite living next to the flea market, there weren't as many people around the area but now, it's bustling with many shops. This one small coffee shop across the street seems to have a good offer. It's easy to get a part time job over there but who am I kidding? It will take months or even years for me to master the barista's art and not to mention, mama has a watchful eye on me.

National exam is around the corner in the late "fall" of next year. Work and school don't go well together anyways. I'm grateful for being one of the city kids who's fortunate enough to have parents funding for their future. Still I wish I could do something to help mama and big brother a little bit. Ma may be a working teacher at a local public school but she's more of a housewife instead of a full-time worker. A lot of teachers often use their spare time to tutor students and earn more cash but ma admits that she isn't the best teacher to look around for. Most of her debts were all for me and my big brother. Mama spent a huge chunk of money to make sure we get the best education while papa, I don't know about him. There was rarely a moment of smile after turning eight.

Looking up to the blue sky, "This one here looks like a dog chasing a chicken or a wild goose… geese? That one could be an old goddess punishing her daughter for falling in love with a human."

"Ary," a well built man in his dark blue jeans and buttoned shirt was behind me. "Didn't you hear me calling you from the dining room?!"

"No," I said weakly and didn't even make an eye with him.

He gave me 80,000 riel, then said grumpily, "Give this to your mother."

Time passes like a flowing river. Seems like the thunderstorm has settled as papa walks away. Looking at the sky for one last time, the dog merged with the old goddess and her daughter while the goose faded into the big clouds. Mama was upstairs in the bedroom and solemnly fixing the bedsheets. I gave her the money that papa left behind and she gladly accepted it. I returned to the living room and opened my history textbook.