14 Face Palm

"Do What?!" Kim shouts over the phone as I groan, back into it.

"I know right? Why do things have to get complicated!" I can only groan, knowing that I'm treading dangerous waters with the situation arising.

"So you promised her you'd go visit her again this week? Well, you know if he asks you can just brush it off as he's your friend and it makes his mother happy. UNLESS... maybe..."

"NO." I firmly cut Kim off immediately from her train of thought.

"Look, I'm just saying, IF he ever takes that rule out of his contract, maybe you could too." Kim suggests.

"I can not believe you even said that." I scoff, amused at her audacious suggestion.

I roll over on my bed and bury my face in my soft, grey comforter and muffle my groan of annoyance. I can hear Kim's voice distantly through the phone.

"You can act like that all you want girl, but when you two are together... There's something there. That's all I'm saying."

Still groaning, I pull the phone next to my face and look at the time, "Hey Kim, I need to let you go. I just remembered I need to make a phone call to someone else."

"Okay, I'll see you at work tomorrow. Bye."

"Bye." I roll back over and growl, my head swimming with thoughts that should not be there. I sit up and massage my forehead knowing and not looking forward to making this call.

Who knows maybe it will help clear my mind?

*Ring*

"Hello? May I help you?" Brian's voice answers the phone fairly quickly, making me look at the clock in surprise.

"Brian, you're still at the office?! It's seven in the evening!" I exclaim, since I was hoping to just leave a message.

"Lirael? HA! My work never really ends dear. However, I'm glad you called. Were you going to leave a message to have an appointment set up for your evaluation?"

His amused tone makes me visualize him sitting at his desk, tossing his pen on the desk and leaning back in his chair with a smug smirk as he waits on my reply.

I hesitate at first if I want to bring up what's bugging me, but know I need to make the evaluation appointment. "Yes, I was... but well, I felt like I needed some more than the normal evaluation. So I can vent and possibly straighten out some of these thoughts going through my mind." I sigh with a huff, blowing a lock of my hair out of my face.

"Of course. You know, I can get you in tonight if your up for it?" He suggests.

"You want me to come down to the office?" I look down at my outfit that I had changed into to relax, knowing I'd have to change again.

"I can make a house call, that's not a problem." He chuckles.

"Really?" My brow arches in disbelief, "You don't make house calls."

"I can make an exception for you. I was wrapping some things up here, give me another ... thirty minutes and I'll be there. That alright with you?"

I look around my room and jump up to start grabbing something more appropriate to wear, "Yeah, sounds great. I'll see you in thirty then."

"K, bye."

"Bye."

Shit... get dressed Lirael and go tidy up the damn living room and kitchen! Heaven forbid he comes on the day that I haven't taken care of things around the house!

I run about trying to straighten things up and not make it look like I was becoming depressed or was in a negative state of mind. Our personal spaces tend to reflect what are emotions and minds are experiencing, at least according to Brian...

Okay the place is not dirty, just lived in.

I tell my self scanning the kitchen that had a few dirty dishes, but I had wiped my counters and tables down, and tidied up some spots that tended to be my 'catch-alls'.

I tidy my hair and put a touch of mascara and tinted balm on my lips to look decent with my comfortable, casual, loose fitted, grey lounge pants with my oversized, stormy sky blue sweater I changed into. I'm washing my hands when I hear the doorbell ring.

"Wee! Coming!" I slide down the banister, hopping off to land right in front of the door.

Giggling, I open the door, "Hey Bri...!" My mind goes blank as my eyes widen. "... Hey Lance..."

He looks taken aback himself as he scans me up and down, "Hey sorry I didn't call, but you left this at the club, well my place there." He hands me a small bag that contains my hair clips and some of my jewelry.

"Oh! Thank you! I didn't even realize I had left these there."

I really didn't know, that is so kind of him.

"Well, by the look on your face when you answered the door, you're anticipating company, so I'll be on my way." He gives me a smile but I notice the dejectedness that flashes in his eyes.

Without much thought, I inform him, "It's just Brian, he's going to do my evaluation."

Lance's eyes brighten a bit before he continues, "All the same, I don't want to interfere with the doctors work."

"Good thing too! You would probably want me to start making house calls to you too." Brian comes strolling up from around the side of the house, smiling at his friend.

"Aw shucks, if that's what you want to call us knocking back a few drinks together, I guess I'm going to start making the requests." Lance shoots back.

Not missing a beat, Brian retorts, "Better start making your appointments through my secretary."

They laugh at each other and five each others hands down low in greeting like two good ole boys.

Lance turns to me, "I'm off, I'm on my way to see my mother. I'll see you around." His gaze lingers on me before he gives Brian a quick bye and leaves.

I just smile and nod, ushering Brian in through the door.

"What can I get you to drink?" I head to the kitchen to get him something.

"If you don't mind, I'll take a beer or a whiskey and coke if you have it." Brian sighs looking relieved.

"Hard day?" I inquire seeing the relief flooding his body as I set the bag down on the kitchen table.

"Just long." He remarks, rubbing his eyes, "I stare at the computer screen way too long filling out forms and what not. My eyes begin to get tired."

"See, we could have done this another day if you need to go home and rest." I plop in the seat next to him, setting down his whiskey and coke, while I sip my whiskey on ice.

"No, it's fine, leaves me more time to take care of another person requiring my professional services." He scoffed through his nose at the thoughts going through his mind.

"Seems to me you don't care for the person." I raise a knee onto the edge of the chair and hug it while I study his demeanor.

Brian glances up at me over the rim of the glass, scoffing again. "No, I like them just fine. The person in question is just being rather.... stubborn about their situation and not taking my advice to make some progress." He stands and motions towards the living room. "Shall we get business over with?"

"Yeah of course." I join him in the living room and sit cross legged on my large, Victorian, wingback chair setting my drink down on my side table.

He goes over the basics, how my health is, how my work is going, naming three things that have made me upset and feel good about myself, etc. It's once he starts to dig in an area that I've never been one to talk about with anyone that he starts to write more notes down.

"Alright, so you have ended your contract with Carson. How did that make you feel?"

"Nothing at first." I think back to when he saw me out with Kim and then when he came into the club room and got angry with Lance. "No, I take that back. Annoyed, I was annoyed that he didn't listen and ignored the rules of our contract."

Carson words ring in my head.

"Are you really so heartless?!"

"What was so wrong with me that I'm not allowed to care for you?"

"Lirael?" Brian pulls me from my thoughts.

"I'm sorry?" I snap out of my memories and quickly take a sip of my drink.

"I couldn't help but notice that you got lost there for a moment. Care to share what occupied your mind?" Brian looks at me over his drink, before knocking the rest of it back.

"Let me refill your drink." I stand and he sighs, handing it over.

Why are Carson's words affecting me? How do they make me feel?

I think about it before returning to the living room and taking my seat.

"So care to share?" Brian asks again.

I gather my thoughts and let him know what was said. "I don't know why what he said is messing with me, but they did cause me to feel a twinge of guilt and then nothing. I don't know how to explain it." I give Brian firm frown, as I try to realize why I felt that way.

"I'll mark my notes and come back to this, maybe I will find something from an earlier session that could cause your mind to shut those emotions down. Alright?"

I nod in response, grabbing my drink and swirling the ice around as he writes a few things down.

"So Lirael, tell me about our contract with Lance?" Brian tucks his fist under his chin and rests his elbow on the arm of the chair.

Suddenly I feel nervous, making me take another drink.

"What's there to know? We had a single scene contract for two nights." I shrug it off.

"You moved on pretty quick from Carson's contract. Why did you choose Lance?" His deep, inquisitive stare makes my heart begin to beat faster.

"I don't know... His was a one night thing and I was looking for that with Kim being a Voyeur. Plus, I've been with him before so I felt safe to enjoy myself with him, with an audience."

I shrug it off.

"You agreed to two nights, are you thinking about more?" Brian asks keeping a calm straight face.

Nervously, I laugh it off, "What does that have to do with anything?"

Brian drops his fist and writes down a few things, "Did you enjoy your scenes?"

"Yes....?"

Where the fuck is he going with this?

"Sounds like your unsure if you did or not." Brian continues, writing away.

"No, I did enjoy it but I just don't understand what that has to do with anything?"

Brian looks up from his writing with a frown. "No need to become defensive. I was just making sure that there was no guilty feelings because of the Carson situation."

"Oh." I pause, "I'm sorry. Then, yes, the scenes were great, I really enjoyed them." I can't keep my smile under control that makes my cheeks rise high.

Brian stares at my smile, smiling calmly himself and begins to write some more down.

"Are you considering a longer term contract with anyone at the moment?" Brian inquires once he's done writing.

I hesitate to answer.

He is Lances best friend... should I tell him about my thoughts?

"Is something wrong, Lirael?" Brian analyzes my silence and seems to reading my face.

"Yes, but I .." I stumble on my words. "I don't .. know how.. I.."

Brian smiles, "Whatever you have to say, stays between us. You are safe to say anything you need to with me." He puts the pad of paper down next to his drink. "Off the record."

"Thank you. I going to be taking on a female sub, but I don't know how long that will last. Lance asked for me to consider a longer contract with him and part of me wants to, I get excited at the thought but I'm hesitant because of it as well. I don't want emotions getting involved with my contracts."

There! I got it out!

Brian tries to suppress a smile behind his glass as he takes a drink. I grab my glass and finish it off in one go.

"Lirael, you said you feel safe with Lance. Why would getting excited about having good scenes with him, make you hesitant? Enjoying our kinks is in fact an emotion." Brian scoots forward on the edge of his chair, holding his glass in his hand.

I start picking at the skin around my cuticles on my thumbs, fidgeting in my seat. "I... I...." I cover my face feeling ashamed, "I think I'm starting to like Lance more than I should."

Brian stays quiet.

I drop my hands and expand on my thoughts and emotions, "And it terrifies me as well as excites me. I don't want to get hurt or hurt him, but now it's getting complicated."

Brian eyes widen, "Complicated, how?"

I explain how Lances uncle, my boss, saw me at his place, the lie that Lance told for my sake, and meeting his mother.

"Honestly, Lirael, as a friend, don't overthink the situation, just go with the flow. As your therapist, do not do anything that you feel you may regret but go ahead and just consider that you may be ready to try a relationship again, with the right person."

I cover my face with my hand again, "That's why I'm terrified, if I'm not ready, I mess up everything."

"Then enjoy your contract with your female sub. You will let it happen if you are ready, regardless of your anxieties." He smiles and leans back raising his hands in the air, " That's what I'm for, to help you with your anxieties."