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I Want What Destroys Me

Genevieve is brought up into a harsh Catholic doctrine which contradicts the moral values it preaches. Rape, theft, lies, and schemes are the life normalities. Above all, Eveโ€™s own family treats her with little love and a little too much control. Her dress code is plain, her hobbies are limited, her friends are non-existed, and in due time, she is to be betrothed to a stranger. Determined to evade her bleak fate, Genevieve, a firm atheist and an unyielding seeker of freedom, finds a way to escape her tyrannical home by the least expected route - by becoming a nun and moving to Quebec into the abbey of Saint Mary, far away from the prying eyes of her family, where she rediscovers her faith, unfolds the dark secrets of her origin and finds love through the destructive relationship withโ€ฆthe devil. Copyright โ€ข 2021 by Christine Clue All rights reserved. WARNING: In no shape or form does this work promote satanic practices. Though real elements of demonic rituals and rites are present in this manuscript, I strongly advise not repeating any of these in real life and staying clear of any dark attributes. Be safe my loves :) As it is my first book I gave myself a five-star review, that will do for now:) I hope you'll find my book interesting)

0Dev_Das0 ยท Fantasy
Not enough ratings
36 Chs

SAY MY NAME.

The bell rang several times.

๐˜‹๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜จ-๐˜ฅ๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜จ! There goes Vespers.

๐˜‹๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜จ-๐˜ฅ๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜จ! ๐˜‹๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜จ-๐˜ฅ๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜จ! Dinner time.

๐˜‹๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜จ-๐˜ฅ๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜จ! ๐˜‹๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜จ-๐˜ฅ๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜จ! ๐˜‹๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜จ-๐˜ฅ๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜จ! Complineโ€ฆ

Behind my cell's door the routine went on as usual. I heard footsteps, I heard women's voices and echoing prayers and iPhone's notification sounds, probably Val wondering about my absence.

Meanwhile, I laid in my old squeaky bed immobile, face up and eyes on the ceiling, bound by terror. Expecting terror. I had been lying like this since I had had gotten back from my trip, trying to force myself to attend Complineโ€ฆbut I just couldn't.

I was afraid for the others and myself. I was paralyzed. Hopeless. I had even forgotten to buy the herbs and gelatin I had had promised to the abbess, for I couldn't think of anything but ๐˜ˆ๐˜ด๐˜ฎ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฅ๐˜ฆ๐˜ถ๐˜ด.

I found nothing good on how to rid myself of it besides weed burning and exorcist services. All bullshit. I knew deep down it wouldn't work. It would just anger the spirit more.

Disaster.

The realization of what I had done and what evil I was to face simply shut my brain from functioning. I was so scared. Scarier yet was the demonic spite that played on loop in my head.

โ€“ ๐˜ ๐˜ฐ๐˜ถ ๐˜ฉ๐˜ข๐˜ท๐˜ฆ ๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜ด๐˜ถ๐˜ญ๐˜ต๐˜ฆ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ฎ๐˜ฆ!

โ€“ ๐˜ ๐˜ฐ๐˜ถ ๐˜ญ๐˜ฆ๐˜ง๐˜ต ๐˜ฎ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฎ๐˜ฑ๐˜ต๐˜บ!

โ€“ ๐˜ ๐˜ฐ๐˜ถ ๐˜ด๐˜ฉ๐˜ข๐˜ญ๐˜ญ ๐˜ด๐˜ถ๐˜ง๐˜ง๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ!

โ€“ ๐˜ ๐˜ฐ๐˜ถ ๐˜ข๐˜ณ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ช๐˜จ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฐ๐˜ณ๐˜ข๐˜ฏ๐˜ต ๐˜ฏ๐˜ถ๐˜ฏ!

I shuddered every time I thought of the words. I couldn't believe it. Things like this did not exist, I told myself, on loop, trying to mute the gritting voice of the demon. "Come on, Eve, get a fucking grip," I hissed at myself. "It's twenty-first Century. Science that has proved one could walk on the surface of the moon still yet to prove supernatural."

It was like a tug of war between fear and logic. The latter wasn't fucking working. Not anymore. I saw what I saw. I heard what I heard. I felt what I felt. And now it was coming. I was afraid and highly stressed, ready to believe in just about anything.

My body was bracing for something, every intestine, every organ shrunk and tingled. I thought of Valeria, thought of texting her. I wanted her near me so I wouldn't be so scared next to her fearless presence. ๐˜•๐˜ฐ, I stopped myself, ๐˜ช๐˜ต'๐˜ด ๐˜ต๐˜ฐ๐˜ฐ ๐˜ฅ๐˜ข๐˜ฏ๐˜จ๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ๐˜ฐ๐˜ถ๐˜ด.

My back ached from being in one position for so long, so I turned to my right andโ€”my heart sank into a cold pit. Two bright lights were glowing on the opposite side of the room. They stared at me, sneered at me.

Two predacious eyes.

They immediately nailed me to bed, and I found myself to be actually paralyzed. Only my toes and my fingers curled from the ice that suddenly bit them. At that instant I remember wishing for the most impossible things, like for my blanket to come alive and cocoon me from outer harm. Or for the furniture to come alive and protect me. Or even for Fillip to appear and bark the demon away.

I wanted to hear sounds, any sounds. The nature outside. Footsteps. Women's voices. Text notifications. ๐˜ ๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ๐˜ข๐˜ณ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฎ ๐˜ซ๐˜ถ๐˜ด๐˜ต ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฐ๐˜ธ, ๐˜ฅ๐˜ช๐˜ฅ๐˜ฏ'๐˜ต ๐˜? But by that time Grand Silence had begun and the monastery was dead quiet. Not even a bug buzzed or the northern winds whistled, as if even the nature followed benedictine rules. And I wanted for the nature to disobey even its own laws.

It was night, and I wanted for the sun to shine, or at least for the light from the lamps to peek under my door. One ray of light would do so much! But I was in total darkness in which glowed only the ominous flames I wished were only a figment of my deranged imagination.

I slowly lifted myself up, my unblinking eye is hard on what's before me. I sought for my voice that seemed to fall into a cold pit as well.

"I was waiting," I croaked.

The lights glowed steadily.

"๐˜ˆ๐˜ด๐˜ฎ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฅ๐˜ฆ๐˜ถ๐˜ด," I pronounced.

The lights glowed brighter.

"๐šƒ๐š‘๐š›๐šŽ๐šŽ ๐š๐šŠ๐šข๐šœ ๐šŠ๐š›๐šŽ ๐šž๐š™, ๐š—๐šž๐š—."

It growled, a sickening blend of 4 voices: male, female, childishly high-pitched, deep and beastly.

The sound was so atrocious, it made my spine shrink like an accordion. I took a labored breath to keep my brain from shrinking as well.

"What do you want?"

Two things happened in the next instant. Actual glowing eyes, with lava-swirling irises, appeared right in front of my nose. And a finger-like pressure, like that of a hand, gripped my neck. There was neither a hand I could see nor push away, yet the pressure grew tighter.

"๐šˆ๐š˜๐šž."

If earlier my heart fell into a cold pit, now it shattered.

"Noโ€“arghโ€“p-pleaโ€“ahemโ€ฆ Pleaseโ€”" I coughed. "I willโ€ฆdoโ€ฆaโ€ฆanyโ€ฆthing. Iโ€ฆahemโ€“Swear!" I pleaded, eyes watering from the strangulation.

"๐šˆ๐š˜๐šž ๐š‘๐šŠ๐šŸ๐šŽ ๐š๐š˜๐š—๐šŽ ๐šŽ๐š—๐š˜๐šž๐š๐š‘. ๐™ธ ๐šŠ๐š– ๐šœ๐š๐šŠ๐š›๐šŸ๐šŽ๐š ๐šŠ๐š—๐š ๐šŠ๐š—๐š๐šŽ๐š›๐šŽ๐š."

The eyes swirled with fury. And the pressure on my neck intensified. I had to cough.

"๐š†๐š‘๐šŠ๐š ๐š™๐šŠ๐š›๐š ๐š˜๐š '๐š๐šŽ๐šŽ๐š ๐š–๐šŽ' ๐š๐š’๐š ๐šข๐š˜๐šž ๐š—๐š˜๐š ๐šž๐š—๐š๐šŽ๐š›๐šœ๐š๐šŠ๐š—๐šโ€“"

I kept on coughing violently, couldn't say a word in my defense.

"๐š†๐š‘๐šŽ๐š— ๐™ธ ๐š‘๐šŠ๐š ๐šœ๐šŠ๐š’๐š ๐š’๐š ๐šŠ ๐š๐š‘๐š˜๐šž๐šœ๐šŠ๐š—๐š ๐š๐š’๐š–๐šŽ๐šœ!"

The roaring sound โ€” along with my body โ€” spiraled to the ceiling, culminating in a thundering echo. When I glimpsed down, only to see my feet dangling in the air two-three feet above my bed, I squeezed my eyes shut, refusing to accept the reality of my situation.

"Iโ€ฆI amโ€”" another choking cough broke in. "Iโ€ฆamโ€ฆsorry!"

"๐š‚๐š‘๐š˜๐šŸ๐šŽ ๐šข๐š˜๐šž๐š› ๐š๐šž๐šŒ๐š”๐š’๐š—๐š ๐šœ๐š˜๐š›๐š›๐šข ๐šž๐š™ ๐šข๐š˜๐šž๐š› ๐šž๐šœ๐šŽ๐š•๐šŽ๐šœ๐šœ ๐šŠ๐šœ๐šœ, ๐š‹๐š’๐š๐šŒ๐š‘!"

At this point I could only wheeze from the compressing pain that kept on cutting my blood circulation, draining my body of strength.

My face went purple and hot, temples throbbed aggressively, and if the pressure on my neck were to tighten a fraction more, my head was surely to pop like a balloon. It seriously felt as though I was being hanged.

I thought it was the end. ๐šˆ๐š˜๐šž๐š› ๐š๐šŽ๐š–๐š˜๐š— ๐š‘๐šŠ๐šœ ๐šŒ๐š˜๐š–๐šŽ, ๐š™๐š›๐š˜๐š๐šŠ๐š—๐šŽ ๐šŒ๐š‘๐š’๐š•๐š. ๐š‚๐šž๐šŒ๐šŒ๐šž๐š–๐š‹. I heard a voice in my head. It sounded like my granny. I helplessly stared at the blinding wrathful eyes.

"Youโ€ฆwantโ€ฆto be praised, king of lustโ€”" explosive cough erupted, "โ€”and destruction? Do youโ€ฆcrave saโ€“satisfaction? A sssccrffโ€ฆffice in your name?" I strained through gritted teeth. "There is no one inโ€ฆthisโ€ฆroom besides me. Make-make do with whatโ€ฆyou'veโ€ฆgotโ€”" My voice faltered.

The grip decompressed so quickly, I fell down on the creaking mattress like a hot potato, head hitting the pillow precisely. Stunned, I squirmed and gasped for air like a fish thrown out on shore.

"๐™ณ๐š˜๐š—๐šŽ ๐šข๐š˜๐šž๐š› ๐š‘๐š˜๐š–๐šŽ๐š ๐š˜๐š›๐š”, ๐™ธ ๐šœ๐šŽ๐šŽ. ๐™ฑ๐š›๐šŠ๐šŸ๐š˜."

The aura of pure wickedness and oppression (darkness too impossible to put in words) had surrounded me, drew closer and closer until it was ๐™ง๐™š๐™–๐™ก๐™ก๐™ฎ close.

There was no doubt, the entity hovered inches above my spent body. And the two fiery eyes leveled with mine. I imagined a monster from the picture, which I had studied just hours before, standing next to my bed, leaning over me.

Tears rushed like rivers down my face. "I have nothing else to offer you," I sniveled.

"๐™ท๐š˜๐š  ๐š๐š•๐šŠ๐š๐š๐šŽ๐š›๐š’๐š—๐š."

The voice changed; the child and the beast were muted. Remained only male and female. Still terrifying, butโ€ฆcalmer?

"๐™ท๐š˜๐š  ๐š๐š•๐šŠ๐š๐š๐šŽ๐š›๐š’๐š—๐š ๐š˜๐š ๐šข๐š˜๐šž ๐š๐š˜ ๐š˜๐š๐š๐šŽ๐š› ๐šข๐š˜๐šž๐š› ๐šœ๐š‘๐š’๐š๐š๐šข ๐šœ๐šŽ๐š•๐š ๐š๐š˜ ๐š๐š‘๐šŽ ๐š”๐š’๐š—๐š ๐š˜๐š ๐š•๐šž๐šœ๐š ๐šŠ๐š—๐š ๐š๐šŽ๐šœ๐š๐š›๐šž๐šŒ๐š๐š’๐š˜๐š—."

I could hear the mockery in its ghoulish tonality.

"๐šƒ๐š˜๐š˜ ๐š•๐šŠ๐š๐šŽ ๐š๐š˜๐š› ๐š๐š˜๐š—๐šŠ๐š๐š’๐š˜๐š—๐šœ, ๐šŒ๐š‘๐š’๐š•๐š. ๐™ฝ๐š˜๐š  ๐šข๐š˜๐šž ๐š‘๐šŠ๐šŸ๐šŽ ๐š–๐šŠ๐š๐šŽ ๐šŠ ๐šŒ๐š‘๐šŠ๐š˜๐šœ ๐š˜๐šž๐š ๐š˜๐š ๐š–๐šŽ, ๐šŽ๐šก๐šŠ๐šŒ๐š๐š•๐šข ๐š ๐š‘๐šŠ๐š ๐™ธ ๐š‘๐šŠ๐šŸ๐šŽ ๐šŒ๐šŠ๐šž๐šœ๐šŽ๐š ๐š๐š‘๐š’๐šœ ๐š๐šž๐š–๐š™."

๐˜š๐˜ฐ ๐˜ช๐˜ต ๐˜ธ๐˜ข๐˜ด ๐˜บ๐˜ฐ๐˜ถ๐˜ณ ๐˜ง๐˜ข๐˜ถ๐˜ญ๐˜ต...๐˜›๐˜ฉ๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜ฌ ๐˜Ž๐˜ฆ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฆ๐˜ท๐˜ช๐˜ฆ๐˜ท๐˜ฆ, I racked my brain for a way out. ๐˜ž๐˜ฉ๐˜ข๐˜ต ๐˜ฅ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฆ๐˜ด ๐˜ช๐˜ต ๐˜ญ๐˜ช๐˜ฌ๐˜ฆ? ๐˜—๐˜ณ๐˜ข๐˜ช๐˜ด๐˜ฆ. ๐˜›๐˜ฉ๐˜ช๐˜ด ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜จ ๐˜ญ๐˜ช๐˜ฌ๐˜ฆ๐˜ด ๐˜ฑ๐˜ณ๐˜ข๐˜ช๐˜ด๐˜ฆ. ๐˜๐˜ญ๐˜ถ๐˜ต๐˜ต๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ ๐˜ช๐˜ต, I told myself. ๐˜”๐˜ข๐˜ฌ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ช๐˜ต ๐˜ง๐˜ฆ๐˜ฆ๐˜ญ ๐˜ด๐˜ถ๐˜ฑ๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ๐˜ช๐˜ฐ๐˜ณ. ๐˜๐˜ฏ๐˜ง๐˜ญ๐˜ข๐˜ต๐˜ฆ ๐˜ช๐˜ต๐˜ด ๐˜ฆ๐˜จ๐˜ฐ, ๐˜ด๐˜ฐ ๐˜ข๐˜ต ๐˜ญ๐˜ฆ๐˜ข๐˜ด๐˜ต ๐˜ช๐˜ฏ ๐˜ด๐˜ฐ๐˜ฎ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ธ๐˜ข๐˜บ ๐˜ช๐˜ต ๐˜ง๐˜ฆ๐˜ฆ๐˜ญ๐˜ด ๐˜ข ๐˜ด๐˜ฆ๐˜ฏ๐˜ด๐˜ฆ ๐˜ฐ๐˜ง ๐˜ง๐˜ถ๐˜ญ๐˜ญ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฆ๐˜ด๐˜ด.

"It wasโ€”impressive," I mumbled, still rubbing my hot neck. "Your strength is truly grand."

"๐šˆ๐š˜๐šž ๐šŒ๐šŠ๐š•๐š• ๐š๐š‘๐š’๐šœ ๐šœ๐š๐š›๐šŽ๐š—๐š๐š๐š‘?"

A gruesome laughter erupted.

"๐šƒ๐™ท๐™ธ๐š‚?"

Walls shook. This ๐˜ฉ๐˜ข๐˜ฅ to wake them up, I thought. I prayed for them to wake up. Val, abbess or anybody else. Anybody. Even Philip. Why wasn't he barking!!

I prayed for anyone to come and rescue me from this literal hell. Because every second near this entity exhausted my very soul. I felt like I was being crushed by a fifty-tone concrete plate.

"๐™ณ๐šž๐š–๐š‹ ๐š–๐š˜๐š›๐š๐šŠ๐š•. ๐š†๐š‘๐šŠ๐š ๐š๐š˜ ๐šข๐š˜๐šž ๐š”๐š—๐š˜๐š  ๐š˜๐š ๐š–๐šข ๐šœ๐š๐š›๐šŽ๐š—๐š๐š๐š‘. ๐šˆ๐š˜๐šž ๐š‘๐šŠ๐šŸ๐šŽ ๐š—๐š˜๐š ๐šข๐šŽ๐š ๐š ๐š’๐š๐š—๐šŽ๐šœ๐šœ๐šŽ๐š ๐šŠ ๐š๐š›๐šŠ๐šŒ๐š๐š’๐š˜๐š— ๐š˜๐š ๐š’๐š."

Immediate rage excited the entity's voice, so I rushed to fill in, "Nothing. I know nothing." ๐˜ˆ๐˜จ๐˜ณ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ธ๐˜ช๐˜ต๐˜ฉ ๐˜ฆ๐˜ท๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ๐˜บ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜จ ๐˜ช๐˜ต ๐˜ด๐˜ข๐˜บ๐˜ด, I told myself. ๐˜ˆ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ง๐˜ญ๐˜ข๐˜ต๐˜ต๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ. ๐˜‹๐˜ฐ๐˜ฏ'๐˜ต ๐˜ง๐˜ฐ๐˜ณ๐˜จ๐˜ฆ๐˜ต ๐˜ต๐˜ฐ ๐˜ง๐˜ญ๐˜ข๐˜ต๐˜ต๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ. "But for an insect like me, the fraction of your power is immense."

My response caused a reaction. The irises swirled with curiosity, or so I imagined they did, as they scrutinized me a long, paralyzing minute.

"๐™ฐ ๐šœ๐š•๐šŠ๐šŸ๐šŽ ๐š๐š•๐š˜๐š›๐š’๐š๐š’๐šŽ๐šœ ๐š‘๐šŽ๐š› ๐š•๐š˜๐š›๐š'๐šœ rival? ๐™ธ ๐š๐š˜ ๐š•๐š˜๐šŸ๐šŽ ๐šข๐š˜๐šž๐š› ๐šŠ๐šŒ๐šŒ๐š˜๐š›๐š."

"I merely admired your power. It is striking."

"๐š‚๐š๐š›๐š’๐š”๐š’๐š—๐š, ๐šข๐š˜๐šž ๐šœ๐šŠ๐šข? ๐™ณ๐š˜๐šŽ๐šœ ๐š’๐š ๐šŒ๐š˜๐š–๐š™๐šŽ๐š๐šŽ ๐š ๐š’๐š๐š‘ ๐š๐š‘๐šŽ ๐š™๐š˜๐š ๐šŽ๐š› ๐š˜๐š ๐š๐š‘๐šŽ ๐š˜๐š—๐šŽ ๐šข๐š˜๐šž ๐š ๐š˜๐š›๐šœ๐š‘๐š’๐š™?"

I didn't need to make up a lie to reply. "I haven't seen his power atโ€ฆat work to compare."

"๐šˆ๐š˜๐šž ๐š‹๐š˜๐š  ๐š๐š˜ ๐š‘๐š’๐š–. ๐š†๐š‘๐šŠ๐š ๐š๐š˜๐š›?"

The question made sense.

"They say I should. "Forโ€”protection."

The eyes glowed with different light, I imagined with mirth.

"๐™ท๐š˜๐š  ๐š’๐šœ ๐š’๐š ๐š ๐š˜๐š›๐š”๐š’๐š—๐š ๐š๐š˜๐š› ๐šข๐š˜๐šž?"

With a leaden hand I felt for the cross beneath my habit, clutched at the fabric as hard as I could, sending inward apologizes to the God in whom I had never believed. The eyes watched me with mocking entertainment.

"It works."

"๐™ธ๐š—๐š๐š’๐šœ๐š™๐šž๐š๐šŠ๐š‹๐š•๐šข."

I felt a waft of hot air slide from the crown of my head to the end of my toes. This made me feel bare, exposed, vulnerable.

"๐™ธ ๐šœ๐šŽ๐š—๐šœ๐šŽ ๐š—๐š˜ ๐š๐š’๐šŽ๐šœ ๐š๐š˜ ๐™ฒ๐š›๐šž๐šŒ๐š’๐š๐š’๐šก. ๐šˆ๐š˜๐šž ๐šŠ๐š›๐šŽ ๐šŠ ๐š๐š›๐šŠ๐šž๐š."

"I was baptized," I blurted in a distressed tone.

Heinous ๐‡๐š ๐ก๐š ๐ก๐š! full of disdain, exploded. It hurt my ears so much I was afraid they'd bleed.

"๐™ฐ๐š—๐š ๐™ธ ๐š ๐šŠ๐šœ ๐š˜๐š—๐šŒ๐šŽ ๐šŠ๐š— ๐šŠ๐š—๐š๐šŽ๐š•."

A scream rushed up my throat but I could only whisper, "God's with me." In reality, I felt no god, not one bit. Only this evil thing that hovered over me.

"๐š†๐š’๐š๐š‘ ๐š๐šŠ๐š’๐š๐š‘ ๐šŠ๐šœ ๐š ๐š˜๐š›๐š๐š‘๐š•๐šŽ๐šœ๐šœ ๐šŠ๐šœ ๐šข๐š˜๐šž๐š›๐šœ, ๐šข๐š˜๐šž๐š› ๐š๐š˜๐š ๐šŒ๐šŠ๐š— ๐š˜๐š—๐š•๐šข ๐š ๐šŠ๐š๐šŒ๐š‘ ๐šข๐š˜๐šž ๐š™๐šŽ๐š›๐š’๐šœ๐š‘."

"Lies. God will not leave me."

"๐™ต๐š˜๐š› ๐šŠ๐š–๐šž๐šœ๐šŽ๐š–๐šŽ๐š—๐š, ๐™ธ ๐šœ๐š‘๐šŠ๐š•๐š• ๐š•๐šŽ๐š ๐šข๐š˜๐šž ๐š™๐š›๐š˜๐šŸ๐šŽ ๐š–๐šŽ ๐š ๐š›๐š˜๐š—๐š."

I saw it as my only way out. So I began to vigorously recite the Lord's Prayer and Hail Mary with tears flooding my eyes. Then I prayed to Saint Michael and other saints for ๐˜ฑ๐˜ณ๐˜ฐ๐˜ต๐˜ฆ๐˜ค๐˜ต๐˜ช๐˜ฐ๐˜ฏ, thanking granny (as unbelievable as it sounds) for forcing her aggressive piety into me. And I prayed to God, to that God I had never truly known, clutching at my cross and my rosary so hard my knuckles turned white.

I prayed all the prayers I knew, bowed and kneeled and wailed. Weeped and took my atheistic words, every one of them I had ever uttered, back one hundred times. Two hundred times.

"Lord Jesus, son of Godโ€ฆhave mercy on me," my lips trembled as I whispered, "a sinner. I am wrong, so wrong. Forgive my blindness. My infidelity. I see now. I believe. With all my heart. Rule it, father. Be with me. I beg you! Be with me! Save me!"

Absolutely nothing happened. There was only dreadful, lonely silence, a suspense before a conclusion.

"๐™ธ ๐š‘๐šŽ๐šŠ๐š› ๐š—๐š˜ ๐š๐š•๐šž๐š๐š๐šŽ๐š›๐š’๐š—๐š ๐š˜๐š ๐šŠ๐š—๐š๐šŽ๐š•'๐šœ ๐š ๐š’๐š—๐š๐šœ. ๐™ฝ๐š˜ ๐š˜๐š—๐šŽ ๐š’๐šœ ๐šŒ๐š˜๐š–๐š’๐š—๐š ๐š๐š˜ ๐šœ๐šŠ๐šŸ๐šŽ ๐šข๐š˜๐šž, ๐šœ๐š’๐šœ๐š๐šŽ๐š›."

The nasty voice hissed with triumph. It broke my already broken heart. With despair I stared at the blazing eyes.

"Will you end me now?" I wept.

"๐™ธ ๐š๐š’๐š—๐š ๐š•๐š’๐š๐š๐š•๐šŽ ๐š™๐š•๐šŽ๐šŠ๐šœ๐šž๐š›๐šŽ ๐š’๐š— ๐šŽ๐š—๐š๐š’๐š—๐š ๐š๐š˜๐š๐š•๐šŽ๐šœ๐šœ ๐šœ๐š ๐š’๐š—๐šŽ๐šœ."

Insults were the least of my worries. All I saw was a glimpse of hope.

"Thenโ€ฆwill you let me go?"

"๐šˆ๐š˜๐šž ๐šŠ๐š›๐šŽ ๐š—๐š˜๐š ๐š˜๐š—๐š•๐šข ๐š๐š˜๐š๐š•๐šŽ๐šœ๐šœ ๐š‹๐šž๐š ๐š‹๐š›๐šŠ๐š’๐š—๐š•๐šŽ๐šœ๐šœ ๐š๐š˜๐š› ๐šŠ๐šœ๐šœ๐šž๐š–๐š’๐š—๐š ๐š–๐šข ๐š๐šŽ๐š—๐šŽ๐š›๐š˜๐šœ๐š’๐š๐šข."

The glimpse of hope vanished. ๐˜Œ๐˜น๐˜ข๐˜ค๐˜ต๐˜ญ๐˜บ ๐˜ณ๐˜ช๐˜จ๐˜ฉ๐˜ต, I thought. What was I even dreaming of, expecting a demon to brush me off.

"What will you do with me?"

"๐š†๐š‘๐šŠ๐š ๐š™๐š•๐šŽ๐šŠ๐šœ๐šž๐š›๐šŽ๐šœ ๐š–๐šŽ ๐š’๐šœ ๐š–๐šข ๐šŽ๐šŸ๐šŽ๐š›-๐š›๐š’๐šœ๐š’๐š—๐š ๐šŠ๐š›๐šœ๐šŽ๐š—๐šŠ๐š• ๐š˜๐š ๐šœ๐š•๐šŠ๐šŸ๐šŽ๐šœ."

"I can't serve you," I objected, not one bit firmly. "

"๐™ฒ๐šŠ๐š›๐šŽ๐š๐šž๐š•, ๐šŒ๐š‘๐š’๐š•๐š. ๐™ธ ๐šŠ๐š– ๐š›๐šŠ๐š›๐šŽ๐š•๐šข ๐š›๐šŽ๐š“๐šŽ๐šŒ๐š๐šŽ๐š."

"I can't serve you." I repeated myself. "I am a nun. I serve God."

"๐™ด๐š—๐š˜๐šž๐š๐š‘ ๐š ๐š’๐š๐š‘ ๐š™๐š›๐šŽ๐š๐šŽ๐š—๐šœ๐šŽ, ๐š–๐š˜๐š›๐š๐šŠ๐š•. ๐š‚๐š•๐šŠ๐šŸ๐šŽ ๐š๐š˜๐š› ๐š–๐šŽ ๐š˜๐š› ๐š๐š’๐šŽ. ๐™พ๐š›, ๐š™๐šŽ๐š›๐š‘๐šŠ๐š™๐šœ, ๐š๐š‘๐šŽ๐š›๐šŽ ๐š’๐šœ ๐šŠ ๐š‹๐šŽ๐š๐š๐šŽ๐š› ๐š๐šŽ๐šŠ๐š• ๐š๐š˜๐š› ๐šข๐š˜๐šž ๐š’๐š— ๐š‘๐šŽ๐š›๐šŽ? ๐™ธ ๐šœ๐šŽ๐šŽ ๐š—๐š˜ ๐š˜๐š๐š‘๐šŽ๐š› ๐š๐š˜๐š ๐š‹๐šŽ๐šœ๐š’๐š๐šŽ๐šœ ๐š–๐šข๐šœ๐šŽ๐š•๐š. ๐™ผ๐šŠ๐š”๐šŽ ๐š๐š˜ ๐š ๐š’๐š๐š‘ ๐š ๐š‘๐šŠ๐š ๐šข๐š˜๐šž'๐šŸ๐šŽ ๐š๐š˜๐š."

The entity twisted my own words with a scoff. And since I indeed seemed to have no choice between life and death, the only option was toโ€”succumb.

"I. . .will serve youโ€ฆ"

"๐™ฒ๐š•๐šŽ๐šŸ๐šŽ๐š›. ๐šƒ๐š‘๐šŽ ๐š•๐šŠ๐šœ๐š pious ๐š๐š˜๐š˜๐š• ๐š˜๐š ๐šข๐š˜๐šž๐š› ๐š”๐š’๐š—๐š ๐š™๐š›๐šŽ๐š๐šŽ๐š›๐š›๐šŽ๐š ๐š๐šŽ๐šŠ๐š๐š‘ ๐š˜๐šŸ๐šŽ๐š› ๐š–๐šข ๐š›๐šž๐š•๐šŽ. ๐™ฝ๐š˜๐š ๐šŠ ๐š™๐š›๐šŽ๐š๐š๐šข ๐šœ๐š’๐š๐š‘๐š."

"I'm worse than a fool. I'm a coward."

"๐™ฒ๐š˜๐š ๐šŠ๐š›๐š๐šœ ๐šŠ๐š›๐šŽ ๐š๐š‘๐šŽ ๐š˜๐š—๐šŽ๐šœ ๐š๐š˜ ๐š๐šŠ๐š”๐šŽ ๐šŒ๐š›๐šŽ๐š๐š’๐š ๐š๐š˜๐š› ๐š๐š‘๐šŽ ๐šœ๐š‘๐š˜๐š›๐š ๐š•๐š’๐šŸ๐šŽ๐š ๐š‹๐š›๐šŠ๐šŸ๐šŽ๐š›๐šข ๐š˜๐š ๐š๐š˜๐š˜๐š•๐šœ."

There was a prolonged silence.

"๐™ป๐š’๐šŽ ๐š๐š•๐šŠ๐š ๐š˜๐š— ๐šข๐š˜๐šž๐š› ๐š‹๐šŠ๐šŒ๐š”. ๐™ผ๐šŠ๐š”๐šŽ ๐š—๐š˜ ๐š–๐š˜๐šŸ๐šŽ. ๐™ฟ๐šŠ๐šข ๐šŒ๐š•๐š˜๐šœ๐šŽ ๐š‘๐šŽ๐šŽ๐š ๐š๐š˜ ๐š–๐šข ๐š๐š’๐š›๐šŽ๐šŒ๐š๐š’๐š˜๐š—๐šœ."

It ordered. Only now I took notice of a singular male voice. Pleasant, astoundingly pleasant. Disgustingly pleasant. Resignedly I did as was told. Tingling warmth occurred below my abdomen.

"๐š…๐š’๐š›๐š๐š’๐š—."

The voice declared. I shivered at the word.

"I am listening," I said.

The eyes leveled with mine, swirled hypnotically close.

"๐™ต๐š˜๐š› ๐š๐š‘๐šŽ ๐š—๐šŽ๐šก๐š ๐š๐š˜๐šž๐š› ๐š๐šŠ๐šข๐šœ ๐šข๐š˜๐šž ๐šŠ๐š›๐šŽ ๐š๐š˜ ๐š๐šŠ๐šœ๐š, ๐š—๐š˜ ๐š๐š˜๐š˜๐š ๐š˜๐š› ๐š๐š›๐š’๐š—๐š” ๐š–๐šž๐šœ๐š ๐š๐š˜๐šž๐šŒ๐š‘ ๐šข๐š˜๐šž๐š› ๐š•๐š’๐š™๐šœ. ๐šˆ๐š˜๐šž ๐šŠ๐š›๐šŽ ๐š—๐š˜๐š ๐š๐š˜ ๐š™๐š›๐šŠ๐šข. ๐™ฟ๐š˜๐šž๐š› ๐šœ๐šŠ๐š•๐š ๐šŠ๐š ๐šŽ๐šŸ๐šŽ๐š›๐šข ๐š๐š˜๐š˜๐š›๐šœ๐š๐šŽ๐š™ ๐š‹๐šž๐š ๐š•๐šŽ๐šŠ๐šŸ๐šŽ ๐šข๐š˜๐šž๐š›๐šœ ๐šž๐š—๐š–๐šŠ๐š›๐š”๐šŽ๐š. ๐š‚๐š˜๐šŠ๐š” ๐šŠ ๐š›๐š’๐š™๐šŽ ๐šŠ๐š™๐š™๐š•๐šŽ ๐š’๐š— ๐š›๐šŽ๐š ๐š ๐š’๐š—๐šŽ ๐šŠ๐š—๐š leave ๐š’๐š ๐š‘๐šŽ๐š›๐šŽ ๐šŠ๐š ๐™ผ๐š˜๐š—๐š๐šŠ๐šข'๐šœ ๐š๐šŠ๐šข๐š‹๐š›๐šŽ๐šŠ๐š”, ๐šŠ๐š—๐š ๐š‹๐š›๐š’๐š—๐š ๐šŠ ๐š‘๐šŽ๐šŠ๐š•๐š๐š‘๐šข ๐š–๐šŠ๐š•๐šŽ ๐š‹๐šŽ๐š๐š˜๐š›๐šŽ ๐šƒ๐š‘๐šž๐š›๐šœ๐š๐šŠ๐šข'๐šœ ๐š—๐š’๐š๐š‘๐š๐š๐šŠ๐š•๐š•."

It spoke in a low, even timbre.

"How will I manage the latter? Visitors are prohibited. Let alone men."

"๐š†๐šŠ๐š๐šŒ๐š‘ ๐š๐š˜๐š› ๐šŠ ๐š๐š˜๐š•๐š๐šŽ๐š— ๐šŒ๐š‘๐šŠ๐š•๐š’๐šŒ๐šŽ ๐šŠ๐š—๐š ๐šŠ๐š— ๐š˜๐š™๐šŽ๐š— ๐š๐š˜๐š˜๐š›."

I only nodded as I memorized.

"๐š‚๐š‘๐š˜๐šž๐š•๐š ๐šข๐š˜๐šž ๐šœ๐š™๐šŽ๐šŠ๐š” ๐š˜๐š ๐š–๐šŽ ๐š๐š˜ ๐šŠ ๐šœ๐š˜๐šž๐š•, ๐š๐š‘๐šŽ ๐šœ๐šž๐š๐š๐šŽ๐š›๐š’๐š—๐š ๐š’๐šœ ๐š’๐š—๐šŽ๐šŸ๐š’๐š๐šŠ๐š‹๐š•๐šŽ."

I think I mumbled, "I will do as you say."

Then I strongly felt a presence leaning further over me, and clearly sensed ๐™– ๐™๐™–๐™ฃ๐™™ trace along my stomach. It was a big hand, bigger than human. I imagined its grip on my neck, and my neck ached just by imagining it. The hand kept contouring my habit, studying the curves underneath.

I turned to stone under the touch, once again in disbelief of what was happening, and of how real it felt. God only knows how I wished I was hallucinating then. At that moment, I remember, even madness seemed better than a demon caressing my body.

"๐™พ๐š‹๐šŽ๐š๐š’๐šŽ๐š—๐šŒ๐šŽ ๐š‹๐šŽ๐šŒ๐š˜๐š–๐šŽ๐šœ ๐šข๐š˜๐šž, ๐™ถ๐šŽ๐š—๐šŽ๐šŸ๐š’๐šŽ๐šŸ๐šŽ ๐™ถ๐š›๐š’๐š๐š๐š’๐š๐š‘."

"You know my name." I muttered, paralyzed.

"๐šˆ๐š˜๐šž ๐šŠ๐š›๐šŽ ๐š๐š‘๐šŽ ๐š’๐š๐š—๐š˜๐š›๐šŠ๐š—๐š ๐š˜๐š—๐šŽ. ๐™ฝ๐š˜๐š , ๐š‹๐šŽ ๐šŠ ๐š๐š˜๐š•๐š• ๐šŠ๐š—๐š ๐šœ๐šŠ๐šข ๐š–๐šข ๐š—๐šŠ๐š–๐šŽ."

"Asmodeus," I pronounced.

"๐™ถ๐šŽ๐š—๐š๐š•๐šŽ๐š›, ๐šœ๐š•๐šŠ๐šŸ๐šŽ."

"Asmodeus," I murmured.

"๐™ถ๐šŽ๐š—๐š๐š•๐šŽ๐š›."

"๐˜ˆ๐˜ด๐˜ฎ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฅ๐˜ฆ๐˜ถ๐˜ด," I breathed, about to burst into tears.

"๐šˆ๐š˜๐šž ๐š–๐š˜๐šŠ๐š— ๐š’๐š ๐šš๐šž๐š’๐š๐šŽ ๐š ๐šŽ๐š•๐š•, ๐šœ๐šž๐š๐šŠ๐š›. ๐™บ๐šŽ๐šŽ๐š™ ๐š–๐š˜๐šŠ๐š—๐š’๐š—๐š ๐š’๐š. ๐™บ๐šŽ๐šŽ๐š™ ๐š‹๐š›๐šŽ๐šŠ๐š๐š‘๐š’๐š—๐š ๐š’๐š ๐š•๐š’๐š”๐šŽ ๐šŠ๐š’๐š›. ๐š๐šŽ๐šŒ๐š’๐š๐šŽ ๐š’๐š ๐š•๐š’๐š”๐šŽ ๐š๐š‘๐šŽ ๐š•๐š˜๐š›๐š'๐šœ ๐š™๐š›๐šŠ๐šข๐šŽ๐š›. ๐™ต๐š˜๐š› ๐™ธ ๐šŠ๐š– ๐š—๐š˜๐š  ๐šข๐š˜๐šž๐š› ๐š๐š˜๐š."

I felt a heavy kiss on my chest, right in between my breasts were my cross was. I knew it because the metal grew so impossibly hot that it scorched the skin.

The burn, however, felt much deeper than that. It felt as though it burned the very sinner inside of me. The feeling was indescribable, devastating. Then my body grew light, as if a fifty-ton concrete plate was lifted off of me.

"Asmodeus?"

No response followed. I was alone. In every sense.

This chapter is emotional. Have you ever realized the true value of something only after losing it? Discovery of faith, and the knoweldge this faith might not accept you is a deep well despair. For this scene I used:

Shape of Lies by Eternal Eclipse

Born of Ashes by Eternal Eclipse

Fortanach by SebastianPlano (the very last part for deeper emotional connection)

Will you motivate me to write more chapters?? :)

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