Part XV

Exhaustion succumbed to me, and I was covered in blood, sweat, and dust, repeated 3 days of non-stop hectic schedule have finally started showing its effect on my 8-year-old body, my eyes felt like shutting down, I blinked continuously while my body ached like being hit by sticks, my feet were swollen and bruised, and there was hardly any energy left. I entered the house through the backdoor, to avoid being noticed by people, I took a shortcut from my neighbor's lawn, jumping over the wall. I trembled while making my way toward the bathroom to wash off bloodstains from my outfit and face. Taking off my clothes I put them in the washing machine with detergent powder, then prepared lukewarm water in the bathtub, getting in it, as the water overflowed falling on the carpet, I settled down properly in the bath enjoying myself, splashing water on my face, I stared at my reflection, as I imagined Ayame's terrified expressions and gave out a psychotic laugh while covering my lips, my eyes fixed at my own reflection watching my reaction and wondering if I have finally lost my remaining sanity.

I knew the consequences well enough, soon the team would get disbanded because of Ayame's stupidity, Ayame was never meant to be a leader, rather she was someone with the least leadership qualities in the football team, and my mother never even thought of her as a choice, I felt bad for my mother, because of my revenge she would be affected as well, but won't it be fun to watch Ayame's downfall when others will spit at her face with the fact that she ruined everyone's life with her stubbornness? I couldn't stop laughing imagining her future misery, I can already see her begging me to return as the captain but am over it. Am over everything that relates to football, no….I can't leave football….that's my life…why should I leave something I love just because of an unforeseen event?.... I rubbed my face violently with my right hand taking a deep breath, I stared at the ceiling finally drawing a conclusion…."I am done playing in a team….humans are selfish creatures, they get jealous easily, and this jealousy makes them step on others without even thinking about the consequences, profit is the only thing that humans crave and for that, they are ready to ruin those who come in between." I decided to keep on practicing football, who knows one day I can become a good coach? At the same time, I promised myself never to play in a team ever again, though life had other plans for me.

Before I could realize it, I already dozed off while taking bath, darkness surrounded me, and as I stood in the middle of nowhere, there was a pool of blood under my feet, and a familiar voice echoed 'Anne…you ruined my life…I hate you!' I gasped waking up, almost drowning in the bathtub, water entered my mouth and nose making me choke, I got out of the tub in a hurry, coughing and choking, even though I took a bath, there was sweat on my body and forehead due to the nightmare, my chest felt tightened, eyes were red and blurry, nose hurt like a bitch, I drank bath water by mistake and felt like vomiting. I punched the mirror out of frustration, pain seized my knuckles, and blood gushed out but I still didn't feel any relief, I started pulling out the glass shards from my flesh, and blood drops covered the floor, I felt numb inside, why is this not giving me pleasure? I need more….I want more blood….I am craving my own blood….I want to stab myself and torture myself beyond imagination, if that helps me get over my guilt, I will do anything. Wiping my wet body with a towel, I changed into fresh clothes, went to the kitchen, and grabbed a kitchen knife bringing it near my arm, then I stopped, scars looks ugly, but….maybe a little scar…it won't be bad right?....just one slash, who would know? No…mother will worry if there is blood in the kitchen, then what should I do now? I will go insane if I don't stop this train of thoughts, she will kill me, and that devil in my dreams will forever haunt me, I can't take it anymore, my stomach growled due to hunger but I ignored it, what my father does when his past haunt him? Right….alcohol… I have found him drinking whenever something goes wrong, but can it help me?

Putting down the kitchen knife, I walked towards my parents' room mesmerized, unbothered that blood drops from my knuckle were ruining the carpet, my parents' room was a restricted zone for their children, it is surprising that they maintained their privacy so well, even after having 4 children, which in my opinion, something to be praised. I stood in front of my father's alcohol cabinet, and opened it, how can he be careless enough to not lock it? Or did someone else steal alcohol? I know, King occasionally does that when our parents are out on business trips, I took out a fancy bottle, containing a brownish drink, 'Suntory Whiskey' I read the label, the bottle was half empty, and my heart beat fast, I knew it was wrong, so I thought to start with something light, I unlocked father's drawer and grabbed a packet of cigarette along with his lighter and lit one of the cigarettes, the smoke entered my stomach even before I could take a puff, I started coughing badly choking due to the smoke, 'how is this supposed to give reduce my pain?' I thought to myself before taking a long puff, my head started aching, and I coughed my lungs out, it made me nauseous, but I continued forcing myself, each puff reduced the effect and made it easier to bear the smoke, I started feeling light-headed and enjoying the sensation. I took out another cigarette, this time copying my father's style, it indeed distracted me from my negative thoughts, and gave me a false sense of relief.

The room was covered with thick smoke, I opened the window to let them out then sprayed room freshener so that my parents don't get suspicious, finally, I stood in front of the alcohol cabinet to grab whiskey when my eyes fell on a newspaper advertisement, 'Quiz competition, winner will get a scholarship to study in France', taking out a scissor, I cut the news article and shoved it in my pocket before grabbing the whiskey bottle, I twist the cap opening it, but how to drink? Is it something like cola? I thought to myself before taking one sip directly from the bottle, it tasted like strong spirit, there was a smoky flavor, my throat started burning, I was forced to spit out the alcohol, I coughed violently while rubbing my throat, my head was dizzy, my body felt hot and sweaty, how do people enjoy drinking something like this? Entering my parents' bathroom I emptied the bottle in the basin, my face looked drunk, and I turned around still holding the whiskey bottle.

My whole body started trembling due to fear, Father was standing there, blocking the bathroom door, his large silhouette was enough to scare me, the sun was setting in the background, and due to dim light I could hardly discriminate his facial expression, my head was still dizzy, nausea hit me, as I covered my lips almost dropping the bottle from my hand, my father grabbed it before it could smash against the floor, then grabbed my arm roughly pulling me out of the bathroom. I giggled looking at his face, feeling drunk, everything seemed funny to me.

Anna: (she bent down hugging me tightly, her facial expression was that of worry, and she glanced at my father's face in an interrogative manner) What is wrong with her?

Douglas: Someone is trying to act like an adult. (pulled my ear hard twisting it, making me wince in pain) You are grounded for 6 months, reflect on yourself. Feel lucky that you won't end up in a delinquent center.

Anna: (she stands up holding my father's hand and asking him to leave my ear) Even if she has done a mistake, she is still too young, you should try and become a better role model for her. And Anne, drinking is not going to solve your problems, and what was Ayame talking about becoming the new captain? She even claimed that you were the one who asked her to take over the position? (she says in a confused manner)

Douglas: Anna…. (his voice was deep and dark) How is any of this more important than the fact that your daughter ruined a person's whole life and sent so many people to the hospital? Can you imagine what will happen if someone finds out about it? (He glared at me while speaking to Mom)

Anna: There is some misunderstanding, Anne is just 8, how can she beat grown-up men? (frowns at my father)

Me: (My head started aching listening to their childish fight) So what? (I finally opened my mouth, but it was becoming harder to control my emotions in my current situation, my eyes were red, and my thoughts were tangled due to overwhelming sentiments) I beat them, that's what you want to hear right? I did, and I don't care, they deserved every bit of it, not that they are permanently disabled or something, just a month or two in bed. (My parents looked at me rather surprised, while my mother was taken aback, my father seemed rather proud that his suspicion stood correct)

Douglas: Miss Anne Elizabeth, have you got the slightest remorse for your criminal offense? (he tilts his head sideways examining me head to toe)

Me: No….No! Why should I?!! (my scream was loud enough to surprise even me) Do you feel remorse when you proudly speak about those days when you were an illegal street fighter? Who knows how many bodies you have counted to date? Do you have any right to scold me! When you are a failure as a father, husband, and maybe even son! You are the worst father anyone could have in their life, you couldn't solve your own problems and choose to run away from them! And guess what! I would do the same! Because am learning from the best guide out there! I am the product of your sins, and your past will forever haunt you through my actions!

I grit my teeth at him, my cheeks were red as I gasped for air, feeling extreme fatigue, my hands and feet were getting cold, my body trembled, my eyes were bigger and scarier, the veins on my forehead protruded, it was not me but the alcohol speaking. My right cheek started burning as I stared at my mother in disbelief, this was the first time, my mom has slapped me, I rubbed my cheek and ran out before I could realize, I was already walking on the street, what was wrong with me? I moved around aimlessly, my clothes reeked of alcohol, and people stared at my haggard situation, whispering among themselves, I knew I was in big trouble when I return home. But can I return home after causing such a blander? "Mom must hate me now" I felt like disappearing, they have four children, would it matter if one of them never returns?

To be continued...