When All I Have Left are Memories of You

I try to compose myself from all these surprising revelations and tell him some facts about myself one by one. If this is only a dream and I would wake up tomorrow, at least he deserves to know the truth.

"Hey Mr. Kim Seokjin," I explain. "I am not who you think I am. You must have mistaken me for someone else. Look at me, I'm totally different from you. I'm not your girlfriend and I didn't audition at MBC or whatever it is. Also, I didn't go to the Philippines to have a vacation. I AM from the Philippines. And last night I did read the note, or your note as you claim it, and I must have thought too much about it that I'm dreaming about you now." My words come out with a hint of a laugh.

He creases his eyebrows, looking at me or studying me from head to toe.

" So, "he starts." You're not Korean? "

"Definitely," I answer. "I'm a Filipino."

He laughs at that. The kind of laugh when someone says a joke. That windshield wiper laugh.

"Did you drink too much last night?" he asks, still laughing.

"What? No."

"So you're telling me that you're a Filipino and you came from the Philippines ?"

"Yes, that's right!"

"Do you know how to speak Tagalog?"

"Of course," I start speaking the language that I was born to speak but it seems that my tounge is caught onto something, and all the words that comes out of my mouth is in Korean.

I have forgotten how to speak in my language! And it's alarming!

My shock is suddenly being accompanied by his laugh.

"Hey I'm not even surprised anymore," he says with a smile. "You do that all the time."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know, you get drunk too much and then in the morning you like to claim that you're not Sun Hee. Sometimes you tell me you're American and went on speaking English even though it sucks." he laughs again as if he knows how to offend me. "And now, you claim that you're a Filipino but you don't even know how to speak Tagalog. Plus, look at you. You look more korean to me than a Filipino."

I look at myself and my eyes go big when I just realized that my hair is actually long and blond. And I'm wearing a dress under a fur jacket that really looks like Korean fashion and what's really on my feet is a pair of pink boots that most korean models or actresses wear whenever they appear in variety shows. How did I not notice all of these earlier?

And I look taller! It's crazy because I was never been this tall before.

I have a bag slung at my side and rumage into it for a mirror. I saw a circular mirror next to a piece of crumpled paper. I suddenly forget about the mirror and goes for the paper instead. I unfold it and what a surprise that it is actually the note I read last night.

Seokjin sees me as I fidgets with the note and he smiles.

"It's not what you think," I say to him.

"Sun Hee,.."

"I really am telling the truth." I start to explain to him. "My name is Sunny, not Sun Hee. Understand? And please stop calling me that. I came from the future,.. from 2019 and you... you are my bias."

My cheeks burn from saying that.

Bu he only laughs again. "So now you're telling me that you've time travelled as well?"

"Yes, I think I did"

"So what is it like in 2019? Am I famous?" he asks but it seems more like a joke to me.

"You are. The whole world loves you." I answer with the truth.

"Okay," he answered with a smile like he doesn't believe what I'm saying.

"But that's not the point." I try to explain again. "I did live in the Philippines. In 2019. And.. I'm in love with you for two years."

"Really? But we just met last month." he says. Then he takes my hand with his. "Why don't we just have a coffee somewhere and talk about it?"

And because I feel so defeated and embarrassed, I just let him take me anywhere he wants us to go.

We sit at cozy coffee shop nearby. This is the kind of coffee shop I saw often in kdramas, where lovers had a date and talk about their feelings.

We sit in front of each other and starts talking about our supposedly past encounters and memories. He talks about how he met me on a fine winter in Busan. But I couldn't remember any of it because it wasnt me. It was the girl whom I stole this body from. The girl name Sun Hee.

I just realized this now that not only I am dreaming but I am also living the life of someone else who was once part of Seokjin's life.

Little by little, in this coffee shop, he recalls the story of the girl he loves the most whose name is Sunhee. Funny 'cos our names sound almost the same.

Sunhee, as he describes it, was from Busan. She was good in acting and was planning all her life to audition for a role in any acting agency. And Seokjin was also studying acting or drama at a university back at his hometown.

I know that already. Being a fan has made me investigate everything that's going on in his life.

But back to the story. Last month, Seokjin was visiting Busan for a healing vacation. He was going to think about pursuing his dreams in acting or going to be a trainee on some entertainment. He just got a call from one of his friends at Bighit Entertainment in Seoul that they were open for idol trainees. However, He didn't think it would be wise to leave his university and dreams behind and risk it all for something that he wasn't even sure of. And besides, being an idol means you have to be good at dancing. But he wasn't. So he had to rethink about it and went to Busan to find answers.

And he did found the answer he needed, right at the famous tourist site in Busan - the sky walk made of glass at the edge of a cliff.

Sun Hee was standing there, looking out far beyond the sea, and at that moment Seokjin knew she was the one.

That's how they met. He leaves out any details about that and proceeds to tell me what happened next. They got close and talked a lot about their lives the next few days. And that's where the idea of chasing their dreams came to their topic. Seokjin says Sun Hee had been dreaming to be an actress and Seokjin convince her to come with him to Seoul. But she was only 19 years old and couldn't leave Busan behind. Seokjin said the same and told her he knew how it feels. They decided to think about it, but it was actually Sun Hee who decided Seokjin's path in life. She told him she dreamed about him becoming an idol and was famous not only in South Korea but also in the whole world. Seokjin didn't believe it but he was willing to follow her to Seoul anyway when she finally decided she would give it a try.

In Seoul, Sun Hee auditioned at many acting agencies and Seokjin joined Big Hit entertainment as a trainee. But there wasn't any luck for Sun Hee. She got rejected everytime. And that's when Seokjin learned about her symptoms. She wasn't sick but most of the time, her brain got jumbled and triggered memory gaps. Like everytime she stressed herself out or drink too much, she would forget about what's real and what's not. It's like some kind of brain defect but she said it was no big deal. She had it since she was a kid, went to the doctor already, and was told it was normal as long as she keeps her brain healthy. But occasionally, she wouldn't remember anything about herself and mumbled out words nobody had ever heard of. Which explains what happens now. But it was only for a while. Mostly it happens in the morning after she wakes up. But it was gone once she sees or do something that reminds her of who she is. Like for example, a toothbrush. Or a minute in the shower. And stuffs like that.

Anyway, Seokjin found out about it in the most embarrassing way ever.

After she got rejected many times, she lost hope and asked Seokjin to drink with her. She got so drunk that in the morning her brain got jumbled again causing another moments of memory gaps that lasted longer than it was supposed to.

She went out of her apartment, got lost in the streets and found herself in front of the Bighit entertainment building. At the same time, Seokjin was inside when he spotted her from the window. She was standing at the entrance, mouth gaping wide, looking at the above sign of the building.

As soon as he saw her, he went outside but one of the trainees saw her first. It was Taehyung. And that time, Seokjin and Taehyung weren't that close yet.

Taehyung stood outside facing her when she started to scream. Not a terrified scream but the kind of scream when fangirls see their idols at the airport or at a concert or somewhere they weren't expected to appear. She then took out her phone and asked him for a picture. Taehyung, shocked and curious, granted her wish and she even asked for his autograph which he also given.

She told him afterwards how grateful and happy she was to have meet the man behind the most handsome face in the world. Of course, Taehyung got flattered. And she shook his hands, right at the moment Seokjin appeared. Then she shook his as well, giggling and saying things like how lucky she was to meet the two of them who were close to her heart. She even mentioned Namjoon, Suga, J-hope, Jimin, and Jungkook and ask if they were there in the building too. Seokjin was like, how do you know those people? Then she rushed into the building and called their names out loud, causing a few trainees including Jimin, drifted their focus at her. She saw Jimin among them and run towards him, giggling, screaming, and saying "oh my god, oh my god, I can't believe it!"

Unlike Taehyung, Jimin was taken aback and stood ready to run at the opposite direction, scared.

But she hardly reached him because at the moment, her brain got unjumbled and came back to normal again, causing her to stop midway. And she seemed more lost than she already was, looking around as if she couldn't believe how she got there, and got so shocked that she began running away towards the streets. Seokjin followed her outside and that's how he knew everything.

***

Back at the coffee shop, I try to picture out the real events from the stories Seokjin just told me and I realize that something is a little familiar. It's like the girl whom this body that I'm borrowing from was someone who was linked to me for a long time already. Like she had been part of me and I had been part of her, and we didn't even know about it.

Because as a matter of fact, the stories that Seokjin just told me about Sun Hee meeting him, Taehyung and Jimin in front of their entertainment building happened to me as well. Not in the real sense though. It happened in my dreams, once. And everything that Seokjin says matched everything that happened in that dream.

Could it be that we have been switching places for some time now without even our knowledge?

"I had a dream about it before," I told him. The memories of that dream is still fresh in my mind. I have met three BTS members in that dream and I had been never felt so happy.

But he only smiles like he knew better. "It wasn't a dream," he said. "It really happened."

Yeah, because I'm Sun Hee now. And of course, it happened to her. But to me, it didn't. It was all in my dream.

"It's no surprise," he says.

"Yeah, I must have been dreaming now and once I wake up, Sun Hee will be back again," I reply with a hint of a laugh. Seokjin nods and sips his coffee.

But it's been quite a while now, and I'm worried if I ever wake up. Is this really a dream? Why does it feels so real?