Chapter 10: Shedding Beauty

I just finished my 2nd cycle of Chemotherapy and now resting at home. They said that my hair will begin to shed after the 2nd cycle and now I'm feeling scared just thinking about that. How would I look like? I have grown my hair long ever since childhood. The shortest haircut that I had is only at shoulder length. My hair is my crowning glory, I must say that it's one of my greatest asset. I'm afraid that once I shed it I will look really terrible.

I'm having a hard time eating since I don't have any appetite at all. Every time I smell of garlic or onions being fried I feel like I am going to vomit. Water even has a metallic taste. But despite this I'm trying my best to eat as much as I can to regain my strength. I get tired so easily and I'm having trouble getting enough sleep. Everyday I'm receiving a message from my Doctor - Lance. "Hey little girl, how are you? Rest and eat well." He's even sending me fruits and sometimes visit me at home. Sometimes I'm getting confused thinking whether he is really my Doctor or my brother.

I woke up today, feeling weak but still fine. I'm still working from home, but today is week end which means I will have more time to rest. It feels warmer since summer is about to come so I got up and had gone directly to the bathroom to take a bath. A few days ago, I decided to have my hair cut short up to my ears to prepare my self of its shedding. When I was about to rinse my hair a pile of it had suddenly clamped into my hands. So much that I shudder in fear. I tried to rinse it gently but it keeps on shedding. After the bath, I've gone straight and look at myself in the mirror to check my hair. I saw my scalp with visible skin. I don't know why but I started to cry with self pity. Mom had suddenly approached me when she heard me crying. "Mom, I'm loosing my hair. . . what should I do? I look horrible now, I look like a dying patient." I told my Mom in agony. I was reminded how deadly my illness can be and how vulnerable I am both physically and emotionally at this time. "Sshhh, hush, you will be healed, your hair will grow back. This is just temporary." My Mom embraced me with comfort and assurance. "Mom, how will I face Lance? I look awful, I don't want him to see me like this." I said while sniffing. Mom, gently pinch my nose. "Silly girl. He needs to see you because he's your Doctor. Look, I bought you fashionable bandanas. You can wear these cute wrap ons when you go outside. Let's say you are just channelling a summer look for this season." My Mom, warmly smiles at me. I felt relieved with her words.

The next day, I decided to shave my entire hair. Instead of feeling a bit negative, I just view it as a way to see myself more beautiful inwardly rather than outwardly. Despite of looking pale with no hair, I feel thankful that I still have a wonderful day to spend with my family. I'm still alive to fight this ordeal and God is with me on this. This bright Sunday morning, I was reminded of the blessings that I have. And my Doctor, he visits me in the house for check up instead of me going to the hospital. Today is Sunday, but I see him smiling at me at the front door with beautiful flowers on his hand. "Hi little girl, you look extra beautiful today. I love your bandana. Your face is glowing." He said. I felt flush on my cheeks, please Lance don't say things like that, I might fall in love with you all over again. . .