It has potential but it is nowhere near professional novel writing standards. Use the"," more in sentence, without it makes sentences seem long and make zero sense. You need it to break up the sections of information in the sentences. Don't use"like" and "as-if" (the first time was good), you need to be defiant and explain to the reader what they should be visualizing. It is confusing when you explain the elf woman and the Chosen, who are they, give more detail before throwing them in. Develop the characters more, explain who they are, why they are there, age, height, etc. before creating a whole fight scene. And the scene didn't make much sense, you really need to explain it, give visualizes. I didn't get the lighting human part, again, more visualizations. I think you should read some other novels and books to learn how the develop cheaters. The Martian and 2001 Space Odyssey are some good books to look over to help with explanations of scenes and characters. Find writing styles you like and use it.
