How it's always been

I've been alive for over 16 years and ofcourse I'm still finding myself, but there are a couple of things I know for certain. I'm a rational person, as in I'm always looking for the pro's, con's , any and all possible outcomes of my actions or reactions. My rational side is of no consequence when my emotions come into play though, I could have a hundred reasons not to do something, know that there's over an 80% chance of unwanted backlash, maybe even a definite chance of it, and still commit to the action, because in the moment, all I care about is the emotion flooding my entire system. And lastly, I don't hate to admit it, but I I am CRAZY! I've suspected it for a while , but my sitting here, is the irrefutable proof of that fact. Jay has been in my life for the past four years, if me staring at him from across the music hall, or us sitting next to each other with me peeking at him from the corners of my eyes, can be described as 'in' my life. Now, forward four years and I'm in invigliation, with his hand in mine and the words," Let's be friends", escaping my lips and possibly dealing me a death sentence. That's because I don't think I'll be able to show my face again if he makes a scene, or reacts extremely to what I know is a weird situation, because weird is the only way to describe me asking him to sit in front of me, then asking for his hand, him giving it to me with reluctance and me popping the question. So, now I wait with bated breath, I'm trying to hid how much weight his reply will carry, I want to conceal the truth of my feelings, just in case he let's me down. Green eye's meet mine and stare, I can see the cogs turning, and can telling that he's saying something with his eyes, but I just can't tell what it is. I no longer need to guess,because I hear the word " Sure." He's thin pink lips parted to allow passage for that one word.I let go of his hand, having received my answer. But, it takes a few seconds before the meaning of the word sinks in,'sure', is what he said. It's not enthusiastic as the reply 'yes', but it's not a 'no' either. I can work with a 'sure', and that realisation is what brings about the tingle at corners of my lips and finally, involuntarily stretching them to form a smile - one of my goofy one's by the feels of it.