chapter 15 - control

Although Xavier agreed to be my test subject of sorts, I still had no idea where to start or what to do. Usually this uncertainty tends to disable me. I become incapable of doing anything, afraid of doing something wrong. Though I am aware that you cannot be perfect on your first try, it does not help me. But I am working on that little by little. And here was the perfect place to start. After all, I'm not aspiring for perfection so why does failure terrify me so much? Neither I nor Xavier knew exactly what to do so at the very least we were in this together.

I stood in front of Xavier facing him with my eyes closed. Gradually sinking deeper and deeper into myself I focused on the energy passing through me. I became increasingly aware of the buzzing in my veins and the warmth spreading around my body. What was dark blue became a much brighter and lighter colour, mesmerising me. While focusing on it, I extended my hand into the empty air and waited for Xavier to take it. After a few seconds I felt the coldness of his palm touching mine ever so slightly. I gripped it, searching for something even if I didn't know what it was.

There was a faint yellow I could feel from his hand. It was so faint that I wondered whether I was imagining it due to the lack of visual cues. Attempting to redirect my attention I ran along the mana through my body until I reached the hand gripping his until the yellow became clearer. Slowly, I moved my attention upwards, running along the thin yellow lines that were become more and more visible to me. I followed them like a child anxiously clinging to and following his mother. At the end of it, I reached his core.

It was similar to mine and yet so vastly different. His mana was much larger and stronger than mine. It burned with such intensity. I had nearly dropped his hand for fear of what it would mean to even touch it. Although my eyes were closed it felt like his mana was burning holes into them. Using all of my energy I focused on the flow of it. The slow flow of mana seeping to various parts of his body. It was going in every which direction but I was only looking at the one connected to me right now.

I felt the flow coming right down to his fingertips before it would stop and be flow back and be replaced by more mana. It felt like the flow of blood only slower, lighter and far scarier. I carefully slipped my hand out of his until we were only connected by our fingertips. I was losing touch with reality, forgetting that we were two people standing in one room. Where my mind was currently concerned, we were nothing but these bright colours. We were energy and that was all. Although our bodies existed and our fingers touched, I could not feel it over the buzz of energy between us.

Honing in on where our mana intersected I imagined the yellow bleeding into the blue, until it merged into a vibrant green. It was a wish of sorts, as I was unsure if I was doing anything correctly. I just did what felt right and that is about all that I can do. Eventually it began to pay off. I could feel the coolness of his mana seeping into mine inch by inch. Contrary to burning hot core, the mana that reached me was ice cold. My fingertips could very well get frostbite but I kept my touch on his as the mana mixed into a lukewarm feeling that was beginning to circulate in my body.

I was doing something right but it was all moving so unbelievably slowly that I began growing impatient. I wanted to yank on the thin thread of yellow until it collected in my palm but that was not possible. Instead I closed my eyes tighter, tensing every part of my body as I concentrated on the flow. I imagined pulling the thread faster and coiling it around my own. It moved faster and faster until it was I could feel them blending in so quickly that I could no longer feel the cold nor the heat. The warmth was all I could feel as they blended into one another perfectly.

I continued doing so until I was abruptly stopped by the thread snapping when Xavier yanked his hand away from my own. The suddenness caught me off guard and I quickly opened my eyes to see a frightening wariness in his eyes staring back at me.

"What's wrong?" I asked. "I was doing so well, why did you stop?"

"Is that really what you should be asking me right now?"

His tone was accusatory as if I had some something so inconceivably immoral which left me all the more confused. Had we not done as had been previously arranged? Had he not allowed me to do so and willingly become a guinea pig? What exactly was the issue then? My confusion and perhaps even a hint of annoyance was present on my face. Xavier looked at my face a while longer, attempting to decipher my expression. His expression in contrast seemed to be asking whether I truly am unaware of what he was talking about. I suppose we were both confused.

"Do you intend to explain or are you going to just stare at me without saying a word?"

Though I was unfairly lashing out at him, there was little I could do to stop passive aggressive words from leaving my mouth. At times I wonder if I have two of me. There is one that is logical and understanding. It is the better half that I take pride in. The other however, acts on impulse and treats everyone as a threat. It is a shameful existence that I cannot shake.

Xavier responded, dragging each word out as if each one was too heavy for his mouth to bear.

"You were draining me of my mana."

"Excuse me? You're speaking as if you are unaware of anything."

"No! You do not understand! We spoke of lessening power, perhaps weakening an enemy. You were going beyond that. You were sucking my mana dry. Had you gone on for a few minutes longer I could have lost my consciousness at best and life at worst."

I stared at him dumbfounded. He must be wrong. It made no sense for me to suddenly have such strength. Afterall, I am a nobody, I hold no such ability.

"Well, at least you succeeded on the first try. You can celebrate that but do not ever do that to anyone else. We will work on understanding the limit together. But for now I think I will head on out, I need to lay down."

He walked out like he was running from a monster and for the first time I became afraid of my hands. Rather than clenching them in hopes of returning to my own body, it became a source of fear. I was afraid not of my own abilities, but of my ignorance. Without knowing I could do so much harm and that meant another thing I lacked control of.