Chapter 12 - An extra

QUEST COMPLETED

I stared at the words wondering when I would notice a change but none came. I don't feel accomplished enough for the quest to have been completed. I don't feel anything. If I received an opportunist's dream should I not be in a situation far better than where I am now? I had hardly changed. I was in the process yes but I was half way there. That's how it has always been. I'm always half way. This one time I want to do my best to see it through to the end but I don't even know what the end is. I have no goals other than mediocrity.

Strangely it is easier for me to have grandiose dreams. At least in that way I can objectively say whether I have achieved it or not. Instead I am stuck in an uncomfortable position where I don't know how far I should go or what I should do. Subjectivity is my greatest enemy. It continues to push me to try harder until I wonder what it is I am doing all of this for. Considering I want a simple life why am I working so hard?

I say it so often as if I am in some way trying to convince myself. As if saying I want a simple life repeatedly will bring it into existence, though I know that is not how it works. It has become some sort of prayer. I continue to ask for a simple life while I work myself to death as if I am apologising to myself in some obscure way. Maybe if I continue to recite it as prayers I will one day abide by my own words. But my mind changes so quickly and I forget my own limits even quicker than that.

Nonetheless , I have been progressing even faster lately. It has become easier to control my mana and therefore even easier to pick up skills. I have yet to perfect my ability to use any skill but did I want to perfect anything? I am questioning myself more and more lately, unsure of what it means to be mediocre. What does simplicity mean and why does it appear to be so grey? It's hard to tell where I am compared to others as Anson and Xavier give no hints with their deadpan expressions. I cannot even compare myself to them considering they are accomplished and experienced individuals. It would be foolish to compare myself to them.

I know that I am not as good, but the question is whether I am low yet high enough that I blend into everyone else in existence. Probably. Compared to when I would stay with many so called friends, I now spend an unreasonable amount of time by myself. They have been gradually distancing themselves from me because Klaus does not have a good opinion of me. I didn't think friendship that was fated and so obviously forced against my will could have been this cheap. To abandon a supposed close friend over rumours of Klaus disliking me is laughable.

Even if I didn't like Klaus, he was far better. His opinion is not swayed by others as theirs are. Nor is Anson's. Neither of them are my friends yet they were the closest things I had nowadays. The glares Klaus and I shared were longer than conversations I have with others. They were full of more understanding than words that were said to me. Maybe deep down I was craving that honesty, the honesty to be liked or hated based on my own attributes and not on what Max was supposed to be.

Hate is probably too strong of a word. Lately his glare has been softening ever so subtly. They have been changing to a look of someone who wishes to understand something, or cannot understand something. I don't understand it either. I am an open book. Everything I think and feel is present on my face, and often I am quick to vocalise. What is there that cannot be asked and read? What can be so intriguing yet so personal that he behaves in this strange manner? It doesn't concern me, merely piques my curiosity since I have nothing better to do with my time than think.

At times I did feel the urge to approach and question him, in the same way I had the urge to show off my improvements from magic training. Both would give me temporary satisfaction and perhaps even happiness, but both would also cause me a great deal of discomfort later on. I swallowed the urge like I swallowed my disappointment every time I noticed memories of my past life were beginning to fade. They were sharp blades on a soft tongue that could not protect itself.

My entire existence was contradictory. The want to be wanted battled the fear of abandonment. I alternate between blaming myself and the world for this predicament when it is more likely to just be down to terrible luck. Out of all possibilities and realities, it was my bad luck that I was stuck in this world and losing my memories. It was my own bad luck that I was losing myself. And it was my bad luck that led me to pick up such a confusing and difficult mindset that can never be appeased.

I sat out of most magic classes at the academy to avoid any attention, even though I know that's exactly what I was craving. I continued to isolate myself when the loneliness was only making me feel worse. I hated the people I cared most about, and treated them worse than those I thought nothing of. If one thing remains the same, it is that I am always at the centre of it all. I am at the centre of my life though I don't feel that way. I feel like an extra, like a nobody. Why if I want that do I feel so dissatisfied with all that it brings?