Chapter 25: Bye, Aragog

"Oh, you guys are going to play that game," Deadpool said, readying his sword in his right hand, and making sure that he continuously circled, so they couldn't sneak up on him. Fighting with one hand was going to be a challenge, but he could do it. He just needed to keep his balance.

"You are the one who has been killing my children," he heard a deep voice rumble from behind him. "You smell of the King of the Serpents," the voice said, then added, "Not that it matters, I can see you are not a snake."

"Yup, not a snake," he said, cheerfully as he turned to face the spider as big as a house. So, that was what was blotting out the sun. Not quite as large as a tree, but tall enough. "What's it to you? You have hundreds of kids, or, well, you used to," he said, swinging his katana back and forth in a nonchalant gesture. There would be no fear from him.

"They are my children," the spider said as if it was obvious. His forelegs were waving to indicate all the smaller spiders, who were chittering. They seemed more nervous than their father.

"They attacked me first," the chibi man said as he morphed into his adult form. He would need the extra height with his disadvantage.

"You lured them to you," the large acromantula accused, pointing one of its legs at him.

"It's not my fault you never taught them not to interrupt a fight," the costumed man said, still cheerfully. "Naughty kids need to be punished," he added, staring at the huge creature in front of him.

"They are but children," the spider stated, moving closer to his enemy.

"You know, we can go back and forth on this, because you are not changing your tune, or we can dance," Deadpool said, moving to strike the spider with his sword. He had coated Bea and Arthur with the basilisk venom, but it would eventually fade, as his blades were not goblin made. He swiped at the nearest leg and scratched it. Not enough to kill the giant spider, but it was a start. That particular leg was now useless, which helped him in this fight. If he had to fight one armed, his opponent could do without one too.

The costumed man then ran up the next leg and onto the acromantula's back. He would be safer up here than on the ground. The spider couldn't bite him here, and he was sure its legs didn't bend this way.

"Damn you are one huge motherfucker," he stated once he got to the top. It was one thing seeing it from the ground, but here, it was like sitting in the middle of a soccer field. The back was just that big. "How do you clean your back?" he wondered out loud. "Do you get the kids to do it? Not a picture I want in my head."

"Get off me, you bug," the giant spider said, stomping around the clearing they were in. He was shaking his body as hard as he could but couldn't get the pest off him.

"That's rich, you calling me a bug. Now I know spiders are not insects, but the irony is there," Wade said, lifting his sword.

He stabbed as the spider tried to shake him off. The new suit seemed to be better than the old in holding on to slippery surfaces. It reminded him of Spidey. That man could cling to anything. He wished Spidey was here now. This would be more fun with him around. That guy could hold his own. Oh, or Wolverine, he'd make short work of this spider. But alas, he was on his own. No matter, he was going to finish this.

The littler spiders were jumping, using their webs to swing them across the larger one's back, attempting to knock him off their father, but he was using his sword as a handle and kicking them away. He'd then use the katana to stab the monster again and use that spot as a handhold to do more acrobatic kicking. The smaller spiders were having a hard time landing with all the moving the dad was doing.

"Wade, what are you doing?" a voice bellowed from below. "You're going to kill them," it said, like that wasn't obvious.

Deadpool looked down and saw Hagrid standing there with his mouth wide open. Looking, for all the world, like a parent scolding a child. Or like someone he trusted was killing one of his kids. It was hard to tell with that humongous beard. Perhaps, both.

"Hagrid, not now. This bastard is trying to kill me," he answered as he stabbed the leader one more time. "Why won't you die?" he asked the faltering arachnid. The damn creepy-crawly was still trying to shake him off.

"But Aragog never hurt anyone," the half-giant protested, going up to his friend so the lead acromantula could explain itself.

"I will kill this man, friend Hagrid," the spider said, spinning in a circle in an attempt to shake off the annoying man, who was winning this battle. "He has been killing my children," he offered as an explanation.

"Aragog, no, you promised me," Hagrid said, moving away from the fight, knowing that he would be of little help to either of the fighters. "When I let you live here, you promised not to kill humans," he reminded the house sized arachnid.

"He has killed my children," the spider said again as if that explained everything.

"They attacked me first, you great pile of shit," Deadpool defended himself, once more stabbing the spider. This time hitting something vulnerable. The spider hit the ground, turning to land on its back, twitching something fierce, knocking Deadpool off his perch. The costumed man landed on the acromantula's stomach.

"No! Aragog," Hagrid yelled, moving towards the downed spider, he didn't notice the costumed man pull a gun from… somewhere. However, he did hear the noise when it was fired. His head jerked up at the loud bang.

The spider didn't move again. There was the spider equivalent to blood running down the head. Deadpool didn't know, nor did he care, what it was called. He just knew it wasn't blood. Maybe he'd ask Spiderman.

Deadpool, from his spot on the dead arachnid, started firing at the children. He used the dead spider's legs as a shield, to keep them from tagging him with their webs. They were all moving towards him and Hagrid. They weren't going to stop for the gentle giant. "Hagrid, get the lead out. These things are going to kill you," he told the crying man.

"Iffin you hadn't killed Aragog, they would be behaving," the man said, getting his crossbow ready to defend himself.

"It had to be done, Hagrid. Look how old this spider is. He was going to die soon anyway," Wade said, firing at another spider. There were only about twenty or so. Harry and he had killed off many of them. "Come on, motherfuckers," he cried to the smaller spiders. "I got your daddy, I'll get you too," he said, shooting once more. Usually he was against killing kids, but these were dangerous creatures, no matter what their age. He was sure some were as old as he was, if not older.

"I will never forgive you for this," the giant said, crying as he killed one more. "These creatures are just misunderstood." He was wiping tears out of his eyes as he shot a few more.

"I can live with that," Wade said cheerfully, because while he might like the guy, his idea of pets was dangerous to the kids at the school. "I will sleep better at night knowing this nightmare is finally finished," he added, still taking shots at the spiders, still using the legs as a shield.

"That ain't right," Hagrid said, not sure how to take that comment.

"Woohoo, the author doesn't know anything about guns, so I get unlimited ammo. This is great," he yelled as he kept shooting. His gun never seemed to run out of bullets, and he wondered if he was in an old western movie instead of a story. That would be cool. He looked to the fourth wall and said, "Nah, this is definitely a written story. It just has that vibe." He winked to the author and said, "Thanks, Fairywm."

She just nodded and sent him help. Suddenly there were more arrows joining in the fun. The centaurs had arrived. With the new players joining, even with a crying Hagrid dropping out, it was short work at taking care of the pests. In a matter of minutes, the spiders were either dead or on the run.

"Wade, how could you?" Hagrid asked again. He was too distraught to notice the man was a man and only had one arm.

"Hagrid, you're what? Seventy years old? You've had that spider for what? Fifty years? It was old. Not even acromantula live that long," Deadpool tried again. "I put it out of its misery," he added trying to put a silver lining on the situation, and failing.

"He'd've died peacefully in his sleep. Just like his wife did," the giant said, still very upset. He pulled out a tablecloth and used it as a hanky. He loudly blew his nose and wiped his face off. He was not a pretty crier. All swollen and snotty. Which was bad with that beard. It was now crusted with mucus.

"Eww, Hagrid, use that cloth better, and wipe your beard off," Deadpool said, making motions toward his chin.

"Leave me alone, murderer," the giant man said, though he did wipe his beard off.

"Hagrid," the oldest centaur said, "we have been telling you for years the damage your pets have been doing to the forest. You have not listened, and you will continue to ignore us, I'm sure. This is the way it must happen. The stars all pointed to this event," the horseman finished, waving his hand toward the sky in a decisive manner.

"They were just babies," the tallest man tried again, still all weepy, but he wasn't as leaky.

Deadpool went back to his chibi size. "I'm done talking to you. You are not listening. I won't apologize for protecting the students," he said, turning and marching back to the castle. "I should fucking well charge for my services," he muttered to himself, trying to calculate what he would have earned for such a job in the real world.

Giant snakes, giant spiders, giant three-headed dogs, he had to wonder what else was so out of proportion here.

Maybe they had ROUS here too.

If they did, he wasn't saving the fucking Princess. Buttercup had others to save her. She so was not his type.

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Deadpool made his way to the Slytherin dorms looking for Sirius. He found him sleeping on Harry's bed. "Come on, Snuffles. I need to talk to you about something," he told the dog, nudging him in the ribs.

Sirius woke up and yawned a huge yawn, making a lot of noise doing so. He looked like he didn't get enough sleep. Even though he'd been sleeping all day. He did stretch in the manner of a dog and jumped off the bed.

"Come on, we'll head to the ROR," the masked man said, leading the way. They were halfway there when they were stopped by Peeves.

"Deadpooly has a mask, because he has secrets," the poltergeist chanted, making funny faces at the man.

"We all have secrets," Deadpool said, not caring what the ghost thought he had on him. He was an open book.

"Ah, but Peeves is knowing what your secrets are," the poltergeist tried again.

"Dude, you've got nothing on me," Wade said, walking past the pest.

"Deadpooly has secrets," the ghost kept chanting as it followed him down the hall.

Deadpool pulled a taser from… somewhere and shot the ghost. It actually connected and Peeves lit up like a New Year firework show in China.

"Ahh," the being said, quivering from the shock. "Peeves is not liking this," he stuttered, trying to get away from the wires.

Deadpool thinking the poltergeist had enough, tugged the wires away. "That'll teach you to mess with me. I've got mad skills," he said, going about his business again.

"Peeves is going to tell the Bloody Baron," Peeves threatened.

"Go ahead," the masked man said, leaving the quivering ghost behind. "Too bad it didn't kill him," he said to the dogman.

Sirius just nodded, not sure if he wanted to get this man angry at him. He wasn't sure he'd survive. Sure, the bloke had got him out of prison, but he didn't think that would stop him if he was angry enough.

They made it to the seventh floor, and Wade called up a room for them to chat. They went inside and sat in the two chairs, Sirius turning into a man as soon as the door closed.

"What did you need?" the dogman asked his rescuer.

"I've been searching and destroying trinkets, so Harry didn't have to," the masked man said, taking off said mask. "There are two that I can't get to. One is in your mom's house, and the other one some dude named Malfoy has. I'm sure he's Draco's dad, but I still can't get the trinket." He was so serious, which was something he rarely was, that Sirius was paying attention. No pun intended.

"Okay, why tell me?" Sirius asked, not sure what Wade wanted him to do.

"The one in your mom's house you can get too. That and I was hoping that you'd stick around Harry after I've gone and help him destroy the other one. I don't know how I know, but I know it will be here next year," Deadpool said, crossing his legs and staring at the other man.

"I'll do my best. I'm not sure that Dumbledore will let me," Sirius said, thinking hard on how he would convince the old man to do just that.

"I have plans for Dumbledore. You just leave him to me," Wade said with a wicked grin.

"I don't want to know, do I?"

"Nope."