I don't believe in Jesús Christ

It rained that day. I walked through the streets, dissolved in the rain, wet and sad. People found it strange, as they ran through the pathways to find a shed for them, I stood in the rain, still. What do you think hurts most? The blossoms or the daffodils? I found two eyes staring at me, as they grabbed me and put an umbrella on me. Those brown eyes had a forest beneath them. They belonged to you, and I have always loved the forests. "Do you want to die?" the deep voice asked me, to which I responded with the most understandable Response, 'Huh?'. I looked towards the car, as it passed just right beside me. I looked into your eyes, with earnest affection towards a stranger, I pulled myself back, bowed, and saw you went away.

It intrigued me, "so strangers sometimes care, huh?" and I walked in the rain.

I was sitting on a stool, at a bar, with some friends. Kylie, and Jenner; one of my closest friends, went away dancing, and I stayed with the drinking. I exhaled, as I took a sip. 1 sip came up with one more, and one more. 20 mins passed, and I was standing on the stage, dancing; with a beer bottle. Jenner and Kylie were busy laughings, they didn't bother to stop me.

The music got louder and louder, and so did my voice. My vision was blurry, but my intentions were clear. And, I intended to pass out. "F*UCK YOU WORLD!!!" I yelled as I fainted.

I woke up with a bad headache, disappointed to be still alive. I pressed my temples, as I tried to get up. 'Tried' because, the moment I stood up, the moment I fell, again. "Agh" I growled. With struggling and a bit of cursing, I finally reached my destination, the kitchen. The water slowly went inside my body, and I could feel it. I am now finally sober. 8 am, just right to wake up.

I took a coat, sprayed some perfume, and moved out for college. Today is not the day to look good. I didn't try to hide my face, I'm too used to shaming myself. "You're here," Jenna says as she moved aside, to give me a seat. "Yeah, unfortunately," I replied.

"You passed out yesterday."

"I know."

"How much did you drink?"

"2 bottles."

"Wha- why?"

"You know it."

Jenna went silent. I knew I said something I shouldn't have, but I am too exhausted to care for or redeem myself. Miss. baek, our business teacher, walked inside the classroom. "I'll be giving a team assignment today. Team up with the group of 4." Whispers started growing, Jenna asked me, ``We're only two, how shall we find 2 more people?" "The needy one will come to us," I answered as I drugged my face in my arms.

After 5 mins or so, a guy with rounded glasses and a green sweatshirt approaches. "Ca-Can You both join u-us?" He asked, while spluttering. I looked at Jenna who seemed to be acknowledging his request, so I went there and joined them. There was another guy too, he had a grey hoodie and curly permed hair. "I guess, we should introduce ourselves." Jenna breaks the ice, showing her extrovert skills.

"I am Jenna, You can call me Jen. I'm 3year." Others acknowledge her. The green sweatshirt guy spoke, "I'm Alfred. I'm in my 2nd year." "I'm Carlos. 4th year." The grey hoodie guy finally spoke as he looked toward me. "Wynter Aboli. 3rd year." "Nice to meet you all," Alfred said. "Down to business. This is my number, I have a psychology class so I need to go. Text me the meeting place."

I stood up and left the room. I walked in the hallways like I owned the land. I need to stop walking like this, but I'm in love with this feeling. the feeling of being superior. I enter the hall. The same old first seat, the place I always sit at. I used to think I'm not fond of studying but realized I wasn't fond of studying for marks. Psychology is fun. It helps you to fuck up with people.

I can read people like pages, welp they are pages. Just broken ones. Maybe, torn ones, who cares? I don't. For me, I matter. I shall treat myself as shit, or a queen. Pick me up or destroy me. But it should be me. My brain cells don't allow others to fuck with me, but me.

"Oh look at the brighter side." There's no brighter side, idiot. It's life, everything is just a side.

I hear some hells cracking the floor. The professor is in the hall now. Once again, I would completely ignore the hickey on her neck which she tried her best to cover, wine as her perfume, and trash in her brain. She call's herself a phycology teacher. Still, I like her. She's aware of how messed up she is, most are not. "Today we'll learn about the feelings, and basic emotions felt by people," She said in a coarse tone.

"I would first like to ask you, what emotions are to you?" She shoots a question forcing me to think. Emotions, what are they? To me, useless. They hold people down, bind them, make them weak, and wreck their life. "They hold the capacity to make people weak, and dumb." Ms.Gean looks at me in awe. "By weak, do you mean vulnerable? Ms.Aboli?" "Yes. Vulnerability is something that tames people down, but frames us." "Do you believe in love, Wynter?" I try not to eye roll. "No. Not, ms.Gean." She smiles as if she knows my response.

Everyone back let out a sigh, they weren't disappointed. More like, 'there goes Wynter, being emotionless.'

"For this month's assignment, you'll have to make a self-report on emotions felt by you. In detail." She goes now, and I pull my head into my shoulders. I don't ask myself questions anymore. Tho I keep screaming to myself, "WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING?" I don't react to it. I don't have the energy to. I'm lost, but I like it. Being lost. When I was in high school, I imagined the 21-year-old me to be better, smarter, richer, and just better. But here I'm. Wynter Aboli, 21 years old, is still questioning life.

I left the class and joined my group. Faber and Mazlish were smoking, they offered me one, but I refused. I would kill myself, but not by smoke, am not that desperate.

"Heard Logan's got a crush on you" Faber snuggles me. "Sure he did," I said. "Come on, Logan's a nice guy. Why regret someone like him?" "He is a theist, Faber." "Why does it matter?" Faber asks. "Because, our Wynter, an INTJ, is a pure atheist, who contempts life, and people, and everything. She is too hard for Logan to handle." Mazlish decides to speak.

I give Mazlish, an 'only you know me' look. "Why don't you believe in god?" Faber asks, for the 99999th time. "So, you telling me, a kid was born, to do god and protect humans from the warmth of no one but God, that is him? I think it is pointless. I don't believe someone out there is there to save or protect me. I never will." I say it, for the 9999th time too.

"Come on, Wynter. You just need to fall in love." "It breaks people, I'm already broken. Love is a luxury, Faber. Logan is too nice, for a girl like me." "What are your weekend plans?" Mazlish asks me. "Sleeping, regretting my existence." I stand up, I'm always the first one to leave. It's better this way.