CHOICE

"Some situations are inoperable," I said to myself, sitting outside the house one quiet evening. "And probably, the only choice would be to put an end to the 'source' of the problems."

I thought, really hard, about it that night. It gave me a sleepless night.

Actually, l was thinking of getting rid of someone who had being the reason for all the predicaments and crises which had ever happened in my life. I needed to extinguish his existence.

Early, the following day, before anyone could notice, I left the house. "How do I handle this, how do I go about it?" I asked myself, while I took a walk in a lonely hallway. It was barely about few minutes past 6. What I wanted to do was necessary but uneasy. So I thought. However, I was softhearted. It took more than just being bold. Bringing an end to a life which I never created was not just a puzzle on a slate or a maths problem to crack.

For a while, I pondered, over and over again, on how I had been humiliated, mishandled and maltreated by virtually every body, then told myself, "It's about time I ended this!" I walked back to the house, breathing heavily as fear flashed through my eyes, while whispering to myself, "I have no choice!" Someone living in that house was going to die that day!

I planned I was gonna use either a rope or a sharp knife, or better still something that could end a life quickly. "What about a gun? That will be perfect! But where can I find one? Well, a rope is fine," I concluded.

That morning, I got a strong rope, folded it in my bag.

I took a very deep breath, with my eyes closed. It was soon going to be over. My dad was at the sitting room watching TV.

Wait a minute, it's not what you are thinking.

Who did you think I was gonna end, my dad, right? Nah...

He only did what every parent would do - give birth.

Actually, I was gonna face the man in the mirror!

Am talking about Death by Suicide!

However, I still managed to visit school one last time. But, my mind and spirit and thoughts were somewhere else, far away, waiting for school to be over.

Few hours to closure, a teacher came in, with a script in his hand, then he began,

"Since our society equates happiness with youth, we often assume that sorrow, quiet desperation, and hopelessness go hand in hand with getting older."

Silence slid in like a bolt.

The silence mocked me.

"They don't. Emotional pain or numbness are symptoms of living the wrong life, not a long life," he continued.

"The secret is not to give up hope. It's very hard not to because if you're really doing something worthwhile, I think you will be pushed to the brink of hopelessness before you come through the other side."

The whole class gave a deadly silent gaze.

"What I would say to the young people who are beset by hopelessness and doubt is that they should go and see what is being done on the ground to fight poverty, not like going to the zoo but to take action, to open their hearts and their consciences."

This time the look on his face was puzzled.

My eyes widened, leaving my jaw slack with eyebrows raised.

"Waiting hurts. Forgetting hurts. But not knowing which decision to take can sometimes be the most painful. You can't make decisions based on fear and the possibility of what might happen. If you obsess over whether you are making the right decision, you are basically assuming that the universe will reward you for one thing and punish you for another. The universe has no fixed agenda. Once you make any decision, it works around that decision. There is no right or wrong, only a series of possibilities that shift with each thought, feeling, and action that you experience.

If this sounds too mystical, refer again to the body. Every significant vital sign- body temperature, heart rate, oxygen consumption, hormone level, brain activity, and so on- alters the moment you decide to do anything.

Decisions are signals telling your body, mind, and environment to move in a certain direction.

You must make a Choice to take a Chance, or your life will never Change.

Choose to live by choice, not by chance.

To be motivated , not manipulated,

To be useful, not used,

To make changes, not excuses,

To excel, not compete.

I choose self-esteem, not self pity.

I choose to listen to my inner voice,

Not to listen to the random opinions of others.

You always have a choice..."

He kept on speaking for several minutes. And all I could perceive was calmness.

A quiet contentment spread through the audience.

Joy took hold of everyone.

Their souls were cheered.

Everyone's heart dared to hope.

There was smiles all over their face, except for me.

I was numb.

It was hard to tell what was happening.

Was he sent by someone? I asked myself.

How did he know virtually everything about my situation?

"Come on, Mike, don't you dare do this in public! You're stronger than this!" I screamed bitterly at myself, beneath my breath. My eyes were wet. Then I focused on picking at my nails while I hummed in pain, trying to hold back the tears.

The warmth of my lungs sent shivers up and down my spine.

I tried as hard as I could to keep my breath steady and slow, and carefully ensured I avoid speaking to or having an eye contact with anyone, out of fear that someone might wanna ask what the problem was, which was the last thing I ever wanted.

I was trying to figure a way to vanish out of the class, before I drown the whole class... "Hello, I am Sam," an annoying boy introduced himself.

Sorry, I take that back. He clearly had no clue what was happening to me. So, I simply swept aside.

How I got to the restroom, I still can't tell. All I know is that I cried out my eyes.

"You always have a choice" was what kept echoing within me, giving me the assurance that it wasn't over for me.