Honeysuckle by Matthew Werner

"Hey." the judge spoke nonchalantly to the twenty-year-old guy, with a beanie hat slouching on his head, who stood on the opposing end of the judge's lectern.

"Hey." said Beanie.

"Let's see: DEEDS...

You always held the door open for whoever was coming after you.

You helped dozens of old ladies cross the street.

You told your grandma 'You're looking great.' while she was on her deathbed (good thing this is an ambiguously theological judgment, otherwise this could've been seen as a misdeed for L-Y-I-N-G).

You sold your entire collection of pogs and... Princess Leia bondage gear... to save the orphanage you grew up in." the twenty-something year old shuffled restlessly.

"You took a turtle skydiving and shouted 'Fuck evolution!' as you leaped out of the plane." the Judge continued, his brow raising. "And lastly, you ran into a burning building to save your roommate's collection of... how do you pronounce this?" the judge asked, flashing the paper at the beanie-hatted lad, who was growing increasingly nervous.

"Amiibos. Uh-me-bo's." the boy answered sheepishly.

"Ah, yes, Animoo's. Now, onto your MISDEEDS:

You threw an aquarium on its side and screamed 'Be free!'"

The judge's eyes glazed over the next embossed heading written in an unreadable font so Serif it would threaten to blot out the sun: INTERNET COMMENTS.

"You wrote this excerpt on Reddit, specifically the subreddit r/WritingPrompts:"

"OH NO." Beanie gasped.

"'I sucked the armadillo's moist anus with all of my tongue. Mmmm, it's like a juicy, glazed doughnut. Maybe now I don't need to paint a face on a volleyball to retain my sanity.'"

Beanie stared blankly at the judge, who stared back with empty eyes. They shared in this silence for a number of earthly years.

"Three upvotes." the judge's voice pierced the room's previous vast emptiness. "Well, you're guilty. But let's continue matriculating through these, shall we?"

The judge was amused.

"I guess we should." said Beanie, looking down at his hands, tears welled up in his eyes.

The judge coughed loudly. "On your aforementioned grandmother's Facebook, a month before her passing: 'Happy birthday, grandmama.' followed by a reply to your own comment: '1 more year closer to me never having to carry ur fat flabby ass across the street again.'"

The judge looked to the man in dubious apparel. "Wow, what an asshole. Your defense?"

"M-my arms had grown weak, vestigial from having to--" Beanie said, stuttering and anxious.

The judge grinned a toothy grin. "Stop, stop, stop. You are too much." Beanie nodded his head.

"On a YouTube video from a girlfriend addressing her boyfriend's death tearfully: 'Grow up or or kill u're self to u fckn cum dumbster SJeW...'"

The judge's eyes shrank as his voice began to trail off. Beanie took a few half-steps back, physically becoming smaller, and smaller.

"I need a bath." the Judge sighed, pressing a button under his lectern, a grimace replaced what was once an inescapable grin.

The Judge was amused no longer.

"AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhh h h h h h h!..."

All that was left was the beanie.