Chapter 3

Dear mama,

Mama, I have been better. I apologized to Atinuke for what happened previously, she seemed shocked that I did.

She didn't reply to my apology though and I didn't pursue it either. It doesn't matter if she forgives me, the important thing is that I have apologized for my actions like I know you would have liked me too.

I am still weak and I find it strange that I should be because Atinuke that I hurt seems unaffected while I am forced to spend most of my time in bed.

Uncle Taju asked me what I would like to wear for the service of songs and funeral. It pains me to even write it here. I told him I had the perfect dress for both events. I told him to do me a little favor. I didn't want to see your body cold and lifeless, I wanted a close casket funeral.

I want my only memories of you to be when you were smiling and full of life. He told me he understood and he will make sure it is done. I wonder where you are now? Is your spirit still floating around? Are you in heaven already? Can you see me? Will you come to visit me in my dreams?

I miss you more than you can ever know... I love you Mama

Dear mama,

Today was the service of songs. I wore the white dress you bought me for my eighth year birthday. It is still very much my size and happens to be the dress you loved me to wear most. You said I looked like a little angel every time I wore it.

A lot of people I don't know came for the program. I saw everyone around me in tears. Even uncle Taju cried, grandmother kept screaming and when it became unbearable she was taken away.

Atinuke and her mother did not cry though, Atinuke seemed like she was hiding a secret that seemed funny. I have learned to ignore her antics.

I did not cry. I'm sure you wouldn't want me to. I know you will want me to be strong. I remember when Jamie my best friend in grade three was relocating and I cried because I knew I wouldn't be seeing her again.

You told me I had to be strong and that no amount of crying will make her stay back.

It's the same thing you would have told me if you were here right now, no amount of crying will make you come running to hug me.

Dear mama,

Somehow without being conscious of it I have been hoping that all this was a bad dream that I will wake up from soon.

It wasn't until I saw the coffin lowered into the ground did it finally dawn on me the implication of what was happening.

With every sand that was thrown to cover up the coffin, I realized that you were really gone from me, and for the first time since I hit Atinuke I felt my emotions stir where it had been numb.

I don't know what came over me but I jumped right into the hole that was almost now filled with sand. The next thing I knew was that the world turned blank.

Dear mama,

The next time I woke up was in my bed. I woke up with a mild headache. When I tried to make sense of my environment I realized I was in my room.

I saw a man I recognize from the funeral as the pastor that coordinated the service. He smiled when he saw I had awakened. I asked him if he could tell me where you were.

He said you're in heaven. I asked him if he was sure heaven really existed. He said it did and that it was up up up. He said I should not worry as I will meet my mother someday when it is time. He told me you were watching over me from above and I should be good so that you will be proud of me.

Are you really watching me from above? Can you actually see my every action? Are you in heaven? Is heaven up somewhere like he said? Is there a way to go to heaven?

The pastor said heaven is up maybe if I jumped really high I could hang onto the right cloud that will lead me to heaven.

Mama, I do hope you're enjoying your stay in heaven. Have you made friends? The pastor said heaven is a better place, no pains, and no sorrow. It makes me wonder if you still miss me or if heaven is so good you can't remember me anymore.

Do you have another daughter in heaven? Did you see the angels? Did you see Jesus and Mary in heaven? What about father Abraham?

I wish I could be in heaven with you it doesn't even matter if it is worse than here so long as I'm with you

Dear mama,

Uncle Taju said I will be living with my grandmother from now on. I told him I want to go back home and I will love to see my friends.

He said I will one day but for now, I had to stay with my grandmother. Grandmother is nice to me and sometimes I imagine she's you, the only thing is that her eyes are always red from crying.

Uncle Taju explained that Bose, the maid will be taking care of me and I should be an obedient child. He told me I'll be going to school while living here. In fact, I'll be following him to my new school tomorrow to meet the headteacher.

I feel like everything is changing too fast all of a sudden, I just want to go back home. I miss my friends in school and I miss Luca already.

He must be wondering why I haven't been present at church. I wonder if he will miss me as I miss him, maybe he's found another little girl to look after and play with. I hope one day when I return home he'll still be there waiting for me.

I miss Amy too, she will probably forget me someday and have a new best friend.

Maybe with time I'll forget my friends at home and make new friends here. I miss you the most mama

Today also marks the beginning of my jumping.

I woke up early so I could sneak out of the house at the time uncle Taju leaves the house every morning. I watched the daybreak, it was a beautiful sight. I had to wait for my uncle to leave the compound before I began jumping so he will not see me. I jumped fifty times until I stopped counting, whenever I was short of breath I'll pause only to continue a few seconds later scared that I will miss the right cloud that will transport me to heaven.

I had to stop when the sun came out though, did you know mama that the sun here is really hot. It is far hotter than in summer. I don't mind a tan but I certainly don't want to get sunburned.

I tried entering the house after my jumping spree but then it was locked. Of course, it was silly of me to think that uncle Taju would have left it open.

I had to wait outside until Bose came to open the door. Apparently, the people in the house had missed me when I had not come down for breakfast and I was nowhere to be found.

I got a good scolding from Tinu's mom but grandmother was more understanding. I don't intend to stop jumping anyway even though my legs are burning.

Tomorrow I'll go to see my new school. I hope I like it though. It's not like I have an option. I wonder if it will be as big as my school back home

Anyways tomorrow will.

I should go to bed now so I can wake up early to follow uncle Taju besides I'm already tired from all the jumping

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