6

Negative energy has a weightlessness to it, a lightness that makes it contagious. Maybe it is the same with positive energy too, but I tend to notice when it is only negative. Tsitsi’s sadness is difficult to escape. The impending doom of my mother’s visit which can be anytime does nothing to ease the tension. So I have to deal with a brooding Tsitsi and always checking the door for my mother to burst in any second.

Tsitsi’s mother spent the night in our bed last night, a presence I could not shake off. Somehow I felt like there was something in the room giving us away, giving away what we were about to do and may do again in the future. The second she came in Tsitsi pretended to be sleeping-she is very good with faking sleep. It took me long to finally drift to sleep, to dreams where Tsitsi was seeking comfort in my arms.

When I woke up this morning, Tsitsi and her mother were arguing in hushed tones. I didn’t think of feigning sleep as I rolled over before opening my eyes and they stopped right there. Tsitsi just looked at me, and left the room to go for a shower. Her mother put on her lovely face and said ‘’I will make porridge for you girls, and drive you in father’s car,’’. I only smiled, not trusting myself enough to speak. I couldn’t get out of the house fast enough. Somehow I felt guilty that I had been the one to cause this impromptu visit.

On the drive back Mai Tsitsi chattered incessantly about her job and everything else while pointedly ignoring a brooding Tsitsi in the back. And she is still brooding, it’s already after school. She didn’t go to school, and when I left she was sitting there in the balcony painting the very same painting of flames coming off ice cubes.

I cannot ask about the kiss, how selfish of me that would be. She is going through some family drama and I need to give her the space she needs. However, I don’t know how to act, I am nervous. She is snappy, cranky and everything that girls do that I don’t know how to handle. At least when I am sad I stay in my room, and cover my head with my blanket, or as of recent-stare at the painting Tsitsi gave me. She on the other hand is every where. Even when she is sitting there, I feel her anger and sadness in the living room, in my room, in the kitchen, everywhere. It is like her feelings are air-bone and are haunting me every where I try to escape to. I cannot even dread my mother’s next visit in peace!

I linger by the balcony doors, wrinkling the dishtowel just to occupy my hands. I don’t even know how to start talking to her. She has been shutting me out since and her mother has been calling. This is a tad bit too much even for me. I mean I have been handling my family since I was young I should be used to this but no I am not. I desperately need to smoke, but then I have to be there for her.

‘’Should…I bring lunch to you?,’’ I sound even more scared than I feel. She snaps her head up, her brush poised just above her painting. She stares at me like she is trying to process something, then just when I think she is going to say something totally uncalled for, she nods her head and turns back to her painting. Why do I feel like a wife?

Your crush should come with a manual, I would be flipping through pages on how to make her feel okay right now. Instead I have to tiptoe around her, checking her reaction to everything.

Let me remind you I don’t know how to cook, I don’t know if I was imitating the chef on the youtube video correctly. Our food came out looking very different even though I did not miss a thing. I go to the kitchen and collect our plates then come back with them. I hand her hers. She hesitates then takes the plate. I am about to sit on the floor when her voice stops me.

‘’Ha! Roomy! Do you even have an inkling of how to boil water. This is horrible!,’’to my surprise she laughs, spitting back the food into the plate. I feel my cheeks heat up, and I nervously bite my lower lip, not knowing what to do next. ‘’Come here, I will teach you how to cook,’’she is already out of her chair so I follow behind her. I don’t even dare try to taste my food. ‘’If you are nice I might even teach you how to bake a weed cake,’’she laughs again.

Does this mean she is over last night? I hope she is.

Half an hour later, the kitchen island is covered with different dishes and I keep stealing some when she isn’t looking. She knows her way around the kitchen, I am thinking of offering to buy the groceries while she does the cooking for us. But somehow that feels like a couple’s arrangement. She is in a good mood, a little high from the cigarettes we shared. I am floating too, just slightly. And I think this is a good time as any to broach the subject of last night. The kiss to be precise.

‘’So, T, about last night..,’’I start. She places down a whole bowl of lasagna.

‘’Yes,’’she doesn’t look at me, just keeps running around with her plates.

‘’Does that mean..that there is something going on between us?,’’I feel...free to have said that out loud. She snaps her head up at me, sucking syrup off her thumb, and tossing some stray braids away from her face.

‘’What?,’’the way she asks that puts me on alert. She is looking at me like I have grown mushrooms on my head and I cant help feeling nervous. But I have already started so there is no backing down.

‘’The kiss,’’I mumble.

‘’Oh, that,’’she laughs ‘’Don’t worry about it, girls do that all the time,’’and just like that she goes back to her cooking. I feel something settle in my throat, something solid and tears prick at my eyelids. I bite my lower lip to prevent myself from crying. I have been through a lot to cry over rejection. How could she have said it so nonchalantly.

Girls do that all the time? Well, maybe they do, but I don’t. and maybe when they do they make sure they are both in the clear as to where they stand in the relationship.

I turn to leave. ‘’Where are you going?,’’she asks, in a tone that tells me she thinks I am being ridiculous. She can think whatever she wants to think am not staying in this kitchen for a second longer. I need my space. I need a cigarette and to sit by the window.

‘’I will be in my room if you need me,’’I stress out need, and keep walking. She calls my name twice but I don’t turn back. Instead I slam the door behind me, lock it and finally let the tears come free. Just a kiss from her and she has reduced me into a weeping mess. I am strong. I have gone through being abused by Masimba, I have gone through aborting Masimba’s babies, my babies. I am still going through my parents’ disapproval and controlling nature. I can obviously handle a rejection from a girl I just met a few weeks ago. And why am I even in love with a girl? Since when do I like girls?

Since when do I know what I like, all I have known is Masimba.

I got too ahead of myself.

I hear a soft knock behind me and I stop crying. I cant let her have this power over me.

‘’Qhawe,’’she calls softly. She should stop with that nickname! I don’t respond, I just sniffle and curse her all the way to hell and back. She repeats herself but I don’t answer. Why is she coming after me? Why is she following me when she just rejected me like I mean hundred percent nothing to her. And of course I do she just felt like kissing me. She is the one who kissed me for crying out loud! And I liked it. I have to admit I felt like everything was finally falling into place. But who was I kidding, have I forgotten how the universe hates me? ‘’Qhawe, Masimba is here,’’

So help me God…