Using your head

By the time October had ended I was having a hard time believing it had been a whole month since Adrian came to live with me again. A whole month of Adrian slowly going in and out of his shell trying to piece himself back together. A month of horror movies and working the haunted hayrides together with our friends and Rusheen continually flirting and shooting his best shot. I couldn't help but laugh at that latter as he had been doing his best and was actually chipping away at my own walls. The cheeky flirt was making it easier to remind myself to give Adrian some space and not act like a hovering parent. I didn't question it when Adrian said he maybe had a pace lined up and he just needed to save up a bit once he started his new job as a Nerd Brigade technician fixing people's computers and the like. I told him he should look into some programs to boost his certifications so he could get better jobs later on and he just said he'd think about it. For now that was really the best I could hope for. I heaved a sigh as I filed through more paperwork and entered the numbers for this quarter in my little office. If you could really even call it an office. It was more like a desk in an open room without cubicle walls. Or a door like a normal office. Just a desk in a corner of what used to be a break room they're trying to refurbish into a joint office space but I'm so far the only one that's been moved here. It's quiet and usually works out well for me but days like today it just gives me too much time to think of everything. Like Rusheen and his hot himbo face and his stupid strong arms and don't get me started on his adorable little pudgy abs. Fucker knew he was cute and loved to flaunt it whenever he got the chance. The biggest instance of this happening so far was the last day of the haunted hayride and he decided to join the crowds on the last ride of the season. He sat quietly through my storytelling yet thoroughly enjoying finding ways to scare the shit out of the passengers with his tail. He rustled the hay when no one was looking, or moved it just out of sight to ghost the cool tail over the passenger's limbs for an extra startle. One passenger even got so scared they tried to jump out of the cart and if not for Rusheen's quick thinking and being able to catch the man before he got far, that could have been a bad lawsuit waiting to happen. So by the end of it all the passengers ran from the cart and the festival when my head fell off the fake neck except for him. He just smiled sweetly at me as I rightened the apparatus and placed my head back on. I looked at him curiously as he slowly climbed out of the cart and he just chuckled.

"Ya cute when ya get inta ya storytellin'. Ya give it all ya got like it's all ya evah known, like ya live and breathe the character ya become for da show." He praised suavely, looking very pleased with himself as I started blushing and sputtering.

"I'm really not that great an actor, and furthermore they were more scared of your antics than they were of our work." I had quickly deflected with a lighthearted chuckle. Rusheen had then shaken his head and looked at me sadly after my deflection.

"Ya bettah than ya realize. Ya try so hard to please everyone and do ya best ta make things go right. Ya put everyone before yaself." he continued, reaching out as I turned away to grab my hand so I looked at him again. He then held both my hands so he could lean in close to me. I looked at him curiously and he just kissed my nose for a quick second and moved back with a smile. "Ya should have more faith in yaself. Like ya tell Adrian ta do." he encouraged, squeezing my hands gently and pressing a kiss to each before he slithered away back to the dwindling crowd before I could fathom getting a word in.

I shook my head carefully to rouse myself from my thoughts and get back to work. It was nearing crunch time for the month and I couldn't afford to start dawdling and procrastinating. Not just because some cute boy was trying to get my attention. I kept my eyes on my screen and tried to keep my focus on work but it felt like Rusheen had his coils all wrapped around my head and I couldn't get him out of my thoughts. It made work drag on and I felt like I got nothing done by the end of it. So as I sat in my car I tried to gather my thoughts but to no real avail. Finally fed up with my cluttered mind, I sent a text to Adrian that I'd be home late and I drove off to my favorite hiking trail. I seldom made time for hiking anymore as much as I enjoyed it, but I felt it made it all the more special and relaxing when I finally could make time to unwind. I took a deep breath and started down the quiet trail with a flashlight in case it got dark before I was willing to leave. It was nice, hearing nothing but the trees, the animals, and the stream. It always helped me clear my thoughts whenever my head felt crowded. I found a safe spot by the stream and I sat, crossing my legs under me and resting my head in my lap so I could lean back on my hands and breathe. Rusheen was without a doubt my type, but the timing was horrible. Adrian needs my help and focus to get back on his feet, he needs to know he can rely on me and that he's not alone through everything. I couldn't do much to help him when we were kids. I'd had to just helplessly watch as Adrian went through court hearing after court hearing about his mother's abuse and neglect, then more moving about and paperwork as the foster system tried to take control. Adrian would be lost in the system if the local Foster home that would have had custody didn't know and like the Whorrf's so much from their near constant working together. All I could do for years after was just try my best to be a good brother, a good friend and take care of him. I've done everything I could since to make sure he's okay and that he's always got me in his corner. So neither of us could ever feel helpless again. Topher and Heather mean well trying to tell me to back off but they don't get it, they didn't see what I saw that night. They didn't see how I found Adrian with his birth mother. I still remember all too clearly the day I found out Mrs. Vandigril was abusing Adrian. I had come in through his bedroom window to surprise him even though he told me we should just play at my house. I had brought him a stuffed penguin from the store since he missed the school trip to the zoo that day and I knew he loved penguins. I was too excited to wait and I wanted to make him feel better since in my mind he must have been sick again to miss the trip. I had just barely made it inside when I heard him scream, then a lot of yelling. At first I had been too scared to move, squishing the penguin into my face as I held it and my head tight in my arms. Then when I heard him scream again I dropped the penguin and ran to follow the screams. I'll never forget the sight of my best friend on the floor bloodied and a belt in his mother's hand. I used all the might a little ten year old Dullahan boy could muster and shoved her off Adrian and while she stumbled, I grabbed Adrian with my free arm and pulled him to the front door. I almost dropped my head as I awkwardly wrenched open that door. I hardly knew what to do but in my ten year old mind I had to bring him to my mom and she would know how to fix everything. We were almost in my parents front yard when I started screaming as loud as I could for my parents, screaming for help. No sooner had my mother reached the door and started running to me with terror in her eyes, had Mrs. Vandigril caught up to us and grabbed Adrian by his hair. She pulled and tugged, trying to get me off her son but I held on, still screaming for help. I had been so determined to not let that evil woman have him I dropped my head to hit her back blindly as my head rested haphazardly in the lawn. My father grabbed Mrs. Vandigril and my mom held Adrian and I in one arm, reaching for my head with her other and held us tight in her arms once she was sure she wouldn't drop my head. Realizing we were safe I sobbed into my mother's chest and told her what I saw. I told my mother everything as Adrian tried to hide against my mother and pretend this was all a horrible dream. And it felt like it, it hardly felt real after everything, it barely felt real when the police showed up to arrest Kristal Vandigril and Child Services had come to question us. Adrian at first hadn't wanted to say anything, he couldn't believe he was safe from his mother, he wanted to pretend he was just a normal kid and this was a terrible misunderstanding. It wasn't until I sat next to him and put my head in his hands, promising to protect him, did he start to slowly open up and answer the investigator's questions. They took pictures of all Adrian's scars and injuries to document the abuse and Adrian continued explaining everything as he held my hand. But when the Child Protective Services came to bring Adrian away to Foster care we both struggled and broke down. It became such a ruckus that both my parents came running, fearing the worst. When they were filled in on what was going on they then too began to fight Adrian being taken away but there was nothing they could do unless they wanted to file to become foster parents then go through all the paperwork and waiting. It was almost too perfect when Sarah Whorff had heard what was going on and recognized Adrian from a playdate Topher and I had so she questioned my mother on everything going on. By the end of my mother's explanation I remember the determined look on her face as I clung to my mother's side like a distressed toddler. Sarah Whorff had a burning fire in her eyes when she looked down at me and gave me a smile to tell me not to worry because she had friends in the right places and would make sure Adrian stayed right here where he belonged. I didn't understand her very well at the time, but years later I would find out that she had pulled some strings, called in some favors and all but bullied anyone who stood in her way into submission to get Adrian's custody through the system as fast as possible and made sure her and her husband's names were on every document. When everything was finalized, Adrian was settled in with the Whorff's but it was really just a technicality as he spent more time with us than them. When the dust had settled, the courts had given their verdicts and Kristal Vandigril had lost all custody over Adrian and he was able to be adopted. Sarah Whorff had then helped my parents through the process to get Adrian under their wings. It had been a lot for all of us. A lot to process, a lot of time, a lot of paperwork, a lot of trauma, and a lot of therapy to deal with everything like a fucked up cherry on top. I still tried to go whenever I felt I wasn't coping well but I'd be a liar if I didn't try everything else to cope with first. I hated people trying to analyze my head and see how broken I am before they decide what they think I need to fill in the cracks to make me normal. But I knew they worked to a point, and it made my mother feel better knowing at least one of her boys was getting help. Adrian was in and out of therapy, struggling coming to terms with everything and trying to see himself as a victim. He didn't like feeling helpless, like he was taken advantage of or that it was an underlying factor as to how he ends up with women who treat him like his mother did. My therapist told me it's a kind of mental Stockholm where he feels he deserves to be punished for turning on his mother so he chases women that were like her. So I tried to be prepared for them to take care of him. I wouldn't let him remain a victim if I could help it. I wouldn't let him feel alone as he tried to break the habit and fell again and again. I tried finding a way to almost test or judge his girlfriends to see if they were bad news but that hadn't gone over well and I realized it was more than a bit much pretty quickly. It was hard standing down when my gut would almost always tell me they were bad the second he would introduce them to me but he had to break the habit on his own. The harder I tried to stop him from doing it myself, the more he struggled with coping and the worse our relationship got. I heaved a sigh and ran a hand through my hair. So many heavy thoughts and I felt no lighter as I worked through them. So much to unpack and I still had no idea how to handle helping my brother and if I had any time for a boyfriend. Memory lane felt less like a fond trip and more like sifting through a minefield. I had to start somewhere and figure something out though, I knew dating was hard and would be even more so when it felt like everyone was either afraid of you or thought of your species like one big bucket list kink. A lot of Supernatural species had that problem and it felt like there wasn't an in-between. So most of us dated among our own species or other Supernaturals. It made it easier, and in my case it was easily a blessing that Rusheen was a supernatural species too. I wasn't against dating humans but I was definitely a bit more cautious as more than once I've had humans just want to fool around in ways only a Dullahan can and I want more than that. Now it was more that I was unsure if I could see myself being able to unpack my mental baggage with him and still having time for Adrian. I wasn't sure and I felt like I still couldn't focus enough to figure anything out. I hated not being able to focus on what was wrong, I prided myself on being able to self analyze and then work on my findings. So when I got scatterbrained like this it was frustrating as all hell. I closed my eyes and just tried to breathe and center myself as I listened to the rustling animals and the steady stream around me. I just tried to calm myself and my mind as I sat and thought everything over. On the one hand, I already barely had time for myself as I always tried to care for Adrian and I was starting to feel the burnout and the anxiety over his mental health trying to tag team me into exhaustion. I knew I needed to find ways to step back and deal with everything but I knew I'd also need to stay close in case something happens and he needs my help. But on the other hand maybe Topher and Heather had a point. I wouldn't burnout so much if I just stepped a little further back if I only knew how. I've been all but shadowing Adrian as his shield for so long now I don't really know how to do much else and I guess that's a problem but I never felt like it really hurt me in any way until recently. So maybe I should give him a chance? I don't know if it's a good idea since I'm no closer to knowing if I can handle dating and helping Adrian stay on his feet but clearly I can't think of any other options at this point. And I could always tell him that I needed to take things slow to see if it would even work between us. Seeing so many of Adrian's relationships and my own go to hell in a handbasket so often always reminded me that just because someone has a pretty face and gives you butterflies doesn't mean it will work. But I tried not to be so pessimistic and didn't use that as an excuse to give up on dating all together. I did always hope to find some kind of 'Mr. Right' but I didn't have some childish hopes of a love at first sight dreams either. Neutrality had always been a more forgiving outlook in my opinion than positivity or negativity had ever been as I never was fully let down or let expectations get too high. It was harder to maintain but left for minimal disappointment. When I opened my eyes again I saw it was getting dark and I should probably head home already, mind feeling not so much lighter, but maybe more manageable. I lifted my head from my lap and slowly got to my feet. Once I was up and got my flashlight in hand I followed the trail slowly back to my trusty, rusty van. It was a little exciting and nerve wracking thinking of actually accepting Rusheen's persistent advances, and hopefully it turned out to be for the best. Adrian had gotten along better with Rusheen since that night we fought, even if only to a civil level it was better and it was progress. I couldn't help but smile a little then at the thought, having someone to get along with Adrian and lean on. It had been a long while since I had really tried to date and now the more I think on it the more I'm convinced it must be the right way to go. Get myself some TLC and some help making sure everything is in place in life as best as it will allow. Even if it were to fail at least there would be some fun along the way if Rusheen's easygoing and flirty nature was anything to go by. It left me some hope and the butterflies in my stomach had me feeling lighter than when I first came down the trail and had me debating on calling Rusheen already and asking him out. Thankfully though it didn't seem like I would need to make an excuse, as he had messaged me asking if we could go out for dinner tomorrow night. Checking the date and my calendar I saw tomorrow didn't work since I had apparently made plans for Adrian and I to visit our parents for dinner but I replied and asked if the following weekend would work since I had it off from work thankfully. It had me grinning to myself as I settled in the driver's seat and put on my favorite rock station for the drive home. Singing along to Kryptonite at the top of my lungs and grabbing some Italian takeout for dinner because why not? I felt like now I was finally getting somewhere in my own life. Maybe I'd even look into changing majors to something I'd like to do instead of just what I know I'm good at for an easy degree. Could be a good time for some real self reflection into a career I want more than paper pushing and number crunching.

"Home!" I called as I opened the front door and brought in the Italian takeout. Locking the door behind me I turned and saw a long package where the old coffee table was. Guessing the new one Heather had ordered had come in and I'd need to set it up at some point now I just shrugged and made my way to the kitchen. "Adrian! You home? I brought dinner!" I called, unpacking the food onto the kitchen table and took a seat to start in on my own calzone as I waited for Adrian to come out and grab his food. When I was halfway through my large calzone and he still hadn't come out I put the messy food down on my plate and stood to go knock on his door. "Adrian? Oi, you home?" I asked through the door, knocking and slowly opening it when I got no response. Poking my head through I saw he was sitting on his bed slowly rocking back and forth as he listened to his music loud enough that I could hear from across the room from his headphones. I opened the door to come in a bit more and flicker his lights to get his attention. He groaned loudly and took out his earbuds whilst pausing his music.

"What?" he asked grumpily, looking at me with a bit of annoyance. I held up my free hand in joking surrender.

"Easy, I just wanted to let you know I brought food home. I got you a calzone." I explained easily and turned back to the door. "On the table when you're ready but I figured if you were here I'd tell you before it gets cold." I explained, opening the door further to head out again. "And don't forget tomorrow we're going to dinner with mom and dad okay?" I asked when I was mostly out of the door. Adrian groaned again and nodded, putting his earbuds away and standing to follow me and get his food.

"Yeah, I remember. She messaged me earlier excited about it." he sighed, moving past me to grab his food once we reached the kitchen. I sat back down myself and dug back into my own calzone again.

"She hasn't seen you since last Christmas. She misses you. I can't say I blame her really. She worries about you, they both do." I replied, taking another bite of my calzone before looking at my phone to see if Rusheen had replied and smiled when I saw he had. Guess I now have a date this weekend to look forward to.

"I mean it's almost the holidays again, can't they just wait till then?" Adrian whined as he unwrapped his food. I rolled my eyes and sent some flirty emojis to Rusheen.

"Not really since she was hoping to see you for your birthday and you told her you had other plans. Dad almost drove her over here to surprise you and stop her whining about missing you. Took me an hour to convince them both not to and that I'd make sure you got their presents. Just humor them please Adrian?" I pleaded, looking up from my phone to reason with him. Adrian sighed and nodded slowly, taking a bite of the greasy calzone in his hands.

"Alright, I guess you're right… I'll play nice and go see them." he relented. I smiled gratefully and thanked him, glad he wouldn't be fighting me further and we could both keep healing together.