Propose

The gingko tree outside of the classroom window had almost lost all of its leaves, the thin branches revealing themselves within. There was a beauty to its bareness, too, the brief moment it could feel the warmth of the sun before the snow covered the branches again.

"Chen An," Li Jun Jie seemed to call her, his breath as light as the wind that weaved between the branches. "Chen An."

She could nearly see him there, in his usual desk beside her. He was smiling that arrogant smile Chen An had once wanted to wipe from his face but now couldn't help but smile back at when she saw it.

"Chen An." His voice changed instantaneously. Snapping back to reality, Chen An finally heard Lu Xi Xi calling her and turned to her friend beside her.

Lu Xi Xi sighed a breath of relief. "Are you okay? I've been calling your name for several minutes now."

Chen An nodded, turning back to the textbook that lay open in front of her. Despite her best efforts, she still glanced at Li Jun Jie's seat in the back of the room in her periphery, though no one occupied the empty chair.

It had come that time of year when Chen An didn't know what to do with herself. Her mother's death date had always been one Chen An was forced to remember, only a few days after her own birthday, though she often forgot the latter. Maybe it was fair then, to trade one life for another, but Chen An couldn't help but think that it would have been better for her mother to be the one that survived.

Chen An's grandmother had always forbidden her from visiting her mother's grave in Hangzhou, making her yearly trips alone. Consequently, Chen An had no way of honoring her mother, except staring up at the stars and hoping the one she found would be her mother looking back at her.

And so, Chen An sat on the bench outside of her apartment and stared up at the sky. It was a cloudy day, and nearly all of the stars were hidden from sight.

She had naively left offerings for her mother as a child, a piece of a precious mooncake left over from the Mid-Autumn Festival, grape candies she would buy with her little allowance, things she thought her mother would miss from the real world.

Occasionally, when she left for school the next morning, a few things would have disappeared, and Chen An would get excited thinking that her mother had really come to visit her. She would buy even more things to leave for her mother, even if it meant her own stomach went hungry. But, when she stepped outside her apartment one morning, she saw a pigeon pecking at the pastries and decided to abandon the useless ritual.

When she stared up at those stars, she would tell her mother how much her grandmother missed her, how much everyone who knew her missed her and wished she could somehow return. She would even foolishly say that she missed her too, though it was hard to miss a person she couldn't even remember.

This year, Chen An didn't know what to say, though she knew no one would hear her anyway.

"Mother," Chen An began, but the word felt tasteless in her mouth. "I'm tired."

Even with the passing of the clouds, still no star appeared in the sky. But, she pretended to look beyond where her eyes could see, just as she had on her birthday.

"I want to live my life like you did. Freely, carelessly," Chen An paused; she didn't know if she deserved to say this, but the words tumbled out anyway. "Selfishly. I don't want people to look at me and think 'what a shame that her beautiful mother died.' I don't want people to look at me and think it was me or my deadbeat father somewhere out there that made you take your life."

Chen An hated how her voice grew small, how it made her feel again like the foolish little girl that left her mother offerings even when her mother had never given her anything in her life.

"I want to be brave enough to say that I no longer want to be your daughter." The tears began to well up in Chen An's throat, but she swallowed them. "But, I just wish you would have treated me like one."

The wind picked up, and Chen An could nearly feel it embrace her. She hated how she clung onto it, how even after everything she said, she still hoped somehow her mother was comforting her.

But, it felt too real, the arms around Chen An's body, the cold touch that made her shiver but lean into it anyway.

She looked up and found Li Jun Jie hugging her, though his eyes didn't meet hers.

"Li Jun Jie," Chen An began.

"Don't worry," he said plainly. "I'm not your friend. Just imagine I'm a stranger that's comforting a little girl on the street."

Chen An thought about pushing him away, escaping into her apartment just a few feet away. But, she decided to live selfishly for the first time in her life and stayed in Li Jun Jie's embrace.

Chen An wondered if that night had been a dream. When she returned to school the next morning, Li Jun Jie was still nowhere to be found.

It had gotten too cold outside for even the most resilient students to sit in the courtyard during their breaks. Chen An and Lu Xi Xi ate their lunch in the cafeteria, too loud for them to converse.

"Are you ready to go to orchestra rehearsal?" Lu Xi Xi asked over the chatter of hundreds of students.

Chen An nodded, and the two dropped their trays onto the dish carts and made their way into the hallway. Even then, noise still seeped out into the nearby halls.

Patting down her school uniform jacket, Chen An let out a huff. "I left my locker key in my backpack again. You go ahead, I'll catch up to you soon."

"Are you sure?" Lu Xi Xi asked. "I can go with you back to the classroom if you'd like."

"No, no, it's okay," Chen An reassured her. "I'll be just a minute."

Lu Xi Xi nodded, and Chen An jogged down the corridors to their classroom.

Entering the empty classroom, Chen An made her way to her desk and rummaged through her backpack in search of her key.

Suddenly, a feather-light hand pulled her wrist gently and led her to the corner of the classroom that was invisible from those walking down the hallway.

Before Chen An could realize what was happening, Li Jun Jie stood above her, smiling mischievously. He held an arm up against the wall, causing him to tip every slightly closer to Chen An.

"Li Jun Jie, what are you doing?" Chen An tried to push past him, but she remained trapped between his body and the wall.

"Relax, no one can see us, here." Li Jun Jie sat in a nearby chair, leaning back in his seat and propping up his feet on a neighboring one.

"But, still," Chen An sputtered nervously. "I'm supposed to be meeting Lu Xi Xi. What if she comes to find me?"

"It's okay. We're both in this class anyway. It could just be a coincidence that we're both here at the same time," Li Jun Jie reasoned nonchalantly.

Chen An hummed, still dissatisfied. "What is it that you want, anyway?"

"I have a proposal for you." Li Jun Jie stood again, nearing Chen An. Chen An tried to back away, but her back hit the wall. Only centimeters apart, Li Jun Jie paused to look at her as if drinking in the face he hadn't seen for ages before continuing, "We can act like strangers in class, but be friends in secret. Then, you won't have to choose anyone over anyone else."

Chen An felt her hands radiate heat against the cold wall, and she pressed against it in an attempt to steady her tumbling thoughts.

Li Jun Jie's proposal was indeed the most practical idea: she wouldn't be betraying the heartbroken Lu Xi Xi, and she could still uphold her end of the agreement to befriend and help out Li Jun Jie. Considering all of the benefits, Chen An nodded slowly in agreement.

Li Jun Jie released Chen An from his imaginary captivity and walked to the door, swinging it open before looking back at Chen An, who stood frozen in place. "See you soon, my little stranger."