Muggle Mayhem

One morning after breakfast, a week before they returned to England, Sirius came into the playroom and announced that the boys would have a different sort of lesson that day.

'What are we going to do, Dad?' Harry asked.

Sirius grinned. 'We're going to leave the chateau and travel undercover in the Muggle world.'

'What is there to do in the Muggle world?' Draco scoffed.

'We are going to study the finer aspects of Muggle culture,' Sirius replied smugly.

'What?' Harry and Draco exclaimed in unison. Sirius only chuckled in response.

'Muggles don't have culture,' Draco protested. 'They're just dumb animals.'

'Not to mention violent and unpredictable,' Harry added. 'Why should we want to learn about them?'

'The official reason that you will provide Lucius and Aunt Cassie if ever they find out,' Sirius said pompously, 'is that wizards – even Dark wizards – often have the need to travel undetected amongst Muggles. We cannot keep to ourselves all the time.

Most wizards, however, are so incompetent at dealing with Muggles that you can detect them a mile away. Unless you learn how to dress like a Muggle properly, how to act like a Muggle and how to interact with them, it may well thwart your pernicious plots for global domination.'

'We have wands, Uncle Sirius,' Draco said, holding his own up in demonstration. 'Muggles don't. We don't need to slink amongst them in disguise.'

Sirius clicked his tongue disapprovingly. 'Tut, tut, Draco. That was very Gryffindorish thinking. Good Slytherins ought always to be prepared to move about in stealth in order to achieve their insidious ends.'

Harry rolled his eyes. 'That's the official reason, you said. What's the real reason?'

Sirius's eyes twinkled mischievously. 'Because it's fun.'

Harry sighed. 'We're not going to get out of this, are we, Dad?'

His father let out a bark-like laugh. 'Not a chance.' He flicked his wand and Summoned a large bag. 'To start with, we need to fix your clothes.' He reached into the bag and handed each boy a pair of jeans, a T-shirt, a leather jacket, socks and a pair of trainers.

Harry groaned. He hadn't worn Muggle clothes since the Squibs had rescued him from the Dursleys.

Draco was indignant. 'You want us to wear trousers in public? That's barbaric!'

'Just put them on,' Sirius ordered.

'You aren't wearing them,' Harry observed.

Sirius smirked. 'Nice try. I'm already dressed under my robes.'

The boys pulled off their robes and dressed in the Muggle clothes. Harry had no difficulties, but Draco initially tried to put the jeans on backwards. When they had finished, Sirius inspected them.

'Not bad,' he said approvingly.

'Where do we put our wands?' Draco asked.

Sirius raised an eyebrow. 'Do you really think you'll need them? The French may not care so much about underage magic, but they certainly do uphold the International Statute of Secrecy.'

'But what if we're attacked?' Harry offered hopefully.

'You'll have me with you the whole time, and I will be carrying my wand,' Sirius replied.

'That's not fair,' Draco moaned.

'Draco!' Sirius snapped. 'What's the number one rule of living with Sirius?'

Draco pouted. 'No whinging,' he mumbled.

'Right,' Sirius said sternly. 'And don't either of you forget it.'

He swept off his robes in a flourish, revealing his outfit of jeans, leather jacket, boots and a faded T-shirt adorned with a phoenix. His wand was tucked into the waistband of his jeans. He led Harry and Draco down the back stairs and through the garden to a secluded place where he had parked a shiny red sports car.

'Dad, I thought you were training us how to blend in amongst the Muggles,' Harry pointed out.

'No, I said that's what you should tell Lucius and Aunt Cassie we've been up to—if they find out, which I hope they won't,' Sirius corrected. 'The real reason we're going on this outing is to have fun.' He smiled knowingly. 'I assure you, the Diablo is fun.'

The boys climbed into the passenger seat, which Sirius had magically expanded to accommodate them both, and Sirius himself slid behind the steering wheel. He handed Harry and Draco each a pair of sunglasses before slipping on his own, rolling down the windows, starting the engine and peeling out of the Black estate onto the main road.

He drove them at breathtaking speed to the nearby Zoo de la Barben, where they spent the rest of the day casually strolling from one exotic animal to another, most of which they had never seen before. Harry, of course, showed a particular affinity for the snakes, but he and Draco both enjoyed the wildcats and the bears, whilst Sirius professed a fondness for the hippopotamuses.

'So, do you boys still think that Muggles have nothing worthwhile?' Sirius asked them over lunch as they munched on sandwiches and crisps.

'I have to admit,' Harry said tentatively, 'the Diablo was fun.'

Draco nodded in agreement. 'Nothing on flying, of course, but not bad at all.'

'And this place is fantastic,' Harry went on. 'I had no idea. Dudley got to go to the zoo sometimes, but I never went.'

Sirius stomped on Harry's foot under the table, and Harry went pale. He had been feeling so relaxed, for a moment he had forgotten that Draco wasn't supposed to know about the Dursleys.

'Who's Dudley?' Draco asked.

'Oh, no one,' Harry said quickly. 'Just a boy I knew when I lived with my mum.'

'Doesn't sound French,' Draco observed.

'He was British too,' Harry invented. 'That's why Mum and I knew his family.'

Fortunately, that seemed to be a sufficient explanation for Draco, and Sirius steered the discussion in another direction. After lunch they resumed strolling through the zoo until late afternoon, when they headed back to the car park and climbed into the Diablo.

'That was brilliant, Uncle Sirius,' Draco said as he fastened his seatbelt.

'Yeah, thanks a bunch, Dad,' Harry jumped in.

Sirius chuckled. 'Oh, we're not done yet, boys. We have more Muggle culture to explore.'

He turned on the car and they zoomed off towards Marseilles, the radio pumping out Muggle music at full blast. When they reached the town, Sirius parked the car and they walked the rest of the way to an excellent restaurant where they had three different sorts of pizza.

'This is amazing, Dad,' Harry gushed over his first slice.

Draco's face bore an expression of perfect bliss. 'I've never had anything like it in my life.'

After dinner Sirius took the boys to a cinema, where they watched an American film that seemed mainly to consist of a series of very impressive explosions. The Muggles who took their tickets protested that the boys were too young to see the film, but Sirius discreetly Confunded them. Harry and Draco were both captivated.

'Muggles are rather violent, aren't they, Uncle Sirius?' Draco whispered half-way through the film.

Sirius shrugged. 'Of course they are, but what else do you expect? They don't have magic, so they have to resort to brute force.'

Draco nodded, and fell silent.

After the film, Sirius drove the boys back to the chateau. They fell asleep in the car, and he had to levitate them into bed. He himself fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow, a satisfied grin on his face.

.....

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