wandlore for dummies: chapter 1

I was a person who was legally dead for at least a few hours. So believe me when I tell you death is preferable over this insufferable hellhole known as bank. Banks were fucking boring.

The goblins moved mechanically talking in monotone voices. There mere movements managed to induce sleepiness in me. That's how boring they were. My eye was twitching so much I felt a vein about to pop.

"hmm... The...potter family.... Belongings.... Hmm.... "

Hagrid watched this interaction without an ounce of impatience on his face. This man ought to be master occlumence judging by his patience alone.

"vault number.....hmm..... Potter family vault number six.... Hmm... Hundred..... "

C'mon man!!! How on earth is it that these wankers are the number one bankers in all of wizarding community. There ought to be better-...

Wait! Did I just say wankers. I covered my mouth before a gasp escaped. Oh my God. I'm becoming..... a brit. These people are infecting me.

What is next. Am I gonna be drinking tea in the morning and saying bo'oh'wa'er. I clutched my head in the ethnic existential crisis I was having. Hagrid suddenly saw my expression and Realisation dawned on him.

He said:" Harry, there's absolutely no reason to be afraid of goblins. They are a species just like us wizards or centaurs. The scowl is just their resting face expression."

I smiled sarcastically and replied:"thanks a lot hagrid. That helped!! "

Hagrid smiled with pride victoriosly. I sighed. He was a simple lad.

Then the situation returned to the original monotone. I let out a deep breath. It's times like these wish I was still a kid so I can throw a tantrum and escape the annoyingness.

...

...

...

Wait....

I AM a kid.

5 minutes later.

I LOVE BEING A KID. No one can say no to a kid. Especially not an orphan. Couple of puppy eyes and boom. hagrid just gave me a pouch of galleons and told me to shop for supplies. Hallelujah to irresponsible, guillable chaperones.

Now finally the time has come. To get the one thing I have been dreaming about for a long time. I ran with my pouch, my eyes fixed on an old and dingy shop. I skidded to a stop and read the sign.

OLLIVANDERS.

A smile bloomed my face as I read the sign. Then I pushed the door open letting the bells jingle. The room smelled of musty old things. I took a nervous look around. Immediately a man with frizzled white hair greeted my sight. He looked at me curiously his eyes shining mysteriously. He simply said:"Harry Potter."

He came out of the counter, his pace unnaturally fast for a man his age, his eyes transfixed on me:"Curious Mr potter. Curious."

I stared at him dumbly. What the fuck is this guy on about. Why is he giving me the protagonist treatment. I am not the protagonist. I am an extra. A side character. I am not even the boy who lived.

I clenched my fists. This was total bullshit. Why Was The plot forcibly bringing me into the starlight. There probably is an actual boy who lived out there. With a hero complex himself. Go fuck with that guy. Just leave me the fuck ALONE.

I took a deep breath. I was being irrational. I needed information. So if going along with this cliche is what gets that them, then fuck it.

"what do you mean sir. Do I know you."

His smile turned lopsided as he replied:"Mr. Potter, I come from a long line of wizards with seer blood in their veins. I am not by any means proficient enough to see the future. But in a business like wandlore it becomes invaluable in matching a wand to a wizard, and yet... I can't seem to see your future. All I see when I look at you is a blank. Now isn't that Curious Mr potter."

Total blankness. I had no idea how to respond to that. Why was MY future a blank. Is it a reincarnation perk, or did my mom's seer blood pass down to me by some insane miracle. Or is it something else about the changed timeline. Thoughts raced as I stood there gaping at what the Wandmaker just said. What an arsehole. Dropping reality shattering facts like Tuesday and smiling like an idiot.

Ollivander's expression softened at my gaping face and said:"oh don't worry. Just an old man's rants. You might be a difficult costumer. But ollivanders' are not the best Wandmakers in the country for nothing."

He waved his hand. A tingle ran through my skin as magic rushed across the room bringing all sorts of wands to its maker.:"It has been ages since I matched a wand the old fashioned way. I will set you up in a jiffy. so let's find out what sort of a wizard you are."

1 and a half hour later

An old man can be seen running around whispering frantically looking for something as a young boy sat in a stool nearby with a conflicted expression.

Tick... Tick... Tick...

"all right now Harry. Try this dragon heartstrings for a core, 7 inches oak wood and unyeilding. A wand that thrives in danger and stays true to its bearer. A wand with your name practically written on it. Try it, Try it." he said with a hint of madness in his eyes.

I sighed as I took the wand from old man. I half hearted waved it. Three blue sparks blew out like a fried up circuit and went dark.

Tick... Tick.. Tick...

I turned around angrily at that fucking clock. For the last damn hour. That clock has been haunting me at every single turn. Making my life miserable. That damn ticking was mocking me. Every single tick made me wanna rip my eyeballs out.

"how about THIS THEN. A UNICORN HAIR CORE, 9½ INCHES AND IT MAKES A WIZARDS DORMANT POTENTIAL COME OUT. OF COURSE. how did I miss THAT. try it. TRY it."

I grabbed the wand and waved...

Tick...

I clenched my teeth.

Tick...

And I waved it again.

Tick...

And again.

Tick....

AND AGAIN

Tick.....

GODDAMMIT WHY CAN'T YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Magic burst through the wand and went all around us. A tremor ran through the store. I fell down insanely drained from that burst. Ollivander looked at me and blinked.:"well THAT was an impressive display of magic, but-"

He suddenly stopped as his eyes fixed on a wand box that fell from a tremor. He slowly walked to it and and cautiously lifted the box up.:" well it seems we have a winner!"