Chp.42: Haku and Rhaegal

Haku swam close to Rhaegal, who was in a spot where the water was very shallow, allowing him to only submerge half of his torso even though he was seated. Haku sat next to him. The two of them didn't say a word for several minutes.

Haku had no idea how to start the speech. He knew he had a lot to make up for with Rhaegal. Not only had she hurt him, but she had also threatened him and betrayed his trust. Though Rhaegal hadn't spoken about it the whole time they'd been together, he was pretty sure that wound still burned. They had to discuss it, now that they could still do it calmly and with some sort of dignity. The problem was… how to discuss it?

In the end, not knowing what else to do, Haku asked: "Did I hurt you a lot?"

Rhaegal sighed deeply and seemed to frown. Even though his paws were under the water and it was the middle of the night, Hakua's extraordinary vision was able to notice his brother's claws sticking in the mud. "A little. I've had worse wounds, but that… it was still painful" he said.

Haku bit his lip. "Physically or emotionally?"

"Physically, not too much. Even if you still ripped off half of my face" Rhaegal reminded him. "But in any case, it wasn't such a terrible wound. The worst... was the rest"

Rhaegal turned to him and looked at him with extremely judgmental eyes. Haku felt quite uncomfortable under that gaze, but despite this he didn't lower his head or turn around. After what had happened, holding his brother's gaze was the minimum. "I trusted you" Rhaegal said, chomping his words as if he were eating iron. "I admired you. You were like a hero to me. I was convinced that you would always be by our side to help us, defend us, support us. Instead, you turned your back on me. You didn't care about my feelings. You cared just your position, as if our family had some sort of hierarchy. You didn't even try to imagine how I felt, how others felt. And the more I looked at you, the more I saw you decay, and the hero you were for me he turned into a tyrant. And when I finally decided to do something, to stop being passive and try to intervene... you hit me"

Rhaegal lifted his paw and trembling fingers brushed his cheek. "It's been a year now. Every bit of my flesh and skin and scales has grown back. Blood vessels have reconnected and new nerves have taken the place of old ones. I feel. I feel those wounds that you inflicted on me. Just thinking about that night makes my face burn again. If I close my eyes, I seem to hear the sound of drops of blood dripping from my head. I feel the pain as if the wounds had just been inflicted on me. Even though I'm physically gone... they're still here". His tail wagged and hit the water hard, creating a small wave. "I've spent... every day... from the moment we parted... hating myself"

Those words shook Haku to his heart. "Hating yourself? Didn't you hate me?"

Rhaegal shook his head. "I tried, but I couldn't. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't hate you. On the contrary, hating myself was easy" he answered. "I wondered if I couldn't have done more. If I couldn't have stopped this from happening. I had noticed signs that you were changing, and I knew I had to do something about it, but I chose to ignore them until it was too late. For this I hated myself. I hated myself because I had behaved like a coward, and my cowardice had plunged you into an abyss from which I was convinced you would never be able to rise again. I hated myself because because of my passive attitude I had lost a brother"

Haku didn't know what to say. He hadn't imagined this was how Rhaegal felt. He had expected that he would feel resentment, or anger, or even hatred… but certainly not that. And that was much worse. "You weren't a coward. It wasn't your fault, it was mine alone"

"It's never just one person's fault. That's what I've learned from being a newcomer for so long. There's no super evil villain who does it all by himself, like in legends and stories. Each person is influenced by the others You are responsible for your actions… but so am I" Rhaegal said, looking up at the starry sky. "When I thought you were dead, after the fight with the hydra… I wanted to die too. I wanted to rip all my scales, cut open my ribcage and eat my heart personally. The only reason I didn't fact was because I still had our sisters who could support me. I believed... that my brother was dead... and that the dead one's fault was partly my own. I had always been a parasite, always hiding behind you, and I had done nothing to help you. Our father… the plan to survive… all… you were always in charge of everything. I just followed your lead. And even though I could see something in you changing, I pretended of nothing because it was more convenient to remain silent and passively follow you, leaving all the decisions to you. And so, we came to the situation that we both know, which then led to your death. And when you had chosen to die to save us… I did it again. I followed your orders, I let you, I remained passive. I didn't even try to stop you. And that... that almost killed you. And I couldn't bear... that I was partly responsible... for your death... and that not only had I done nothing to prevent it... but that I had also... helped you die...". Rhaegal shook his head vehemently and rubbed his eyes with his fingers, as if wiping away a tear. "When I learned you were alive… it was like being born again. But again I was unable to help you, I couldn't do it no matter how hard I tried. It took me a whole year to get you out of that shitty place... a whole year in which I did nothing but reproach myself for being so useless, for not being able to help you... like you had helped me... countless times..."

"But I'm here now" Haku interrupted him, looking him intensely in the eyes. "You saved me. And now we're together again. And now that you tell me these things… I can understand how much he's messed up your life". He put a paw on his head, rubbing his temples. "What happened... was entirely my fault. Could you have prevented it? I can't know for sure, but I don't think so. I had become something ugly. And I had started to become so long before you noticed it, back in the day." from my first hunt. When I started collecting food for our sisters, I originally just wanted to use it to manipulate them"

Rhaegal's eyes widened at that confession, but Haku didn't stop. "Of course, it didn't take me long to realize that this was wrong and that I loved my sisters, but still I initially thought so. And even after that, I didn't get better. I always had this desire to control everything, know everything, manipulate everything. To be the puppeteer who runs everything behind the scenes. And even though I refused to admit it even to myself... you were puppets to me too. Puppets that I loved more than my own life, but still expected to perform my every order. I never cared about your will. That's what made me into that... thing that disfigured your face". l Haku's body shook slightly. "After what happened... after I saw before my eyes the proof of what I had become... after I saw the wounds that I had inflicted to my own brother... I went crazy"

Rhaegal snorted. "I heard you had a crisis"

Haku nodded. "Yeah. I had hallucinations… of our parents". His brother jerked his head towards him, but he paid no attention. "It was awful, because they compared me to them. And they were right in so many ways. I… always just tried to be different from them… from normal dragons. I… thought I was some kind of hero. But I'm exactly like them. Even after that crisis I thought it for days... I felt unworthy to stay with you. You had managed to maintain a bond of brotherly love, while I had destroyed it. I was only a dragon that acted like any other dragon..."

"No, Haku" Rhaegal cut him off immediately. "Don't think such a thing. Never"

Haku was a little surprised. He had never seen Rhaegal so determined. "Why? What's so different between me and them? Look at me. I'm a manipulator, a deceiver, I don't care about others, and I try to control everything… I'm selfish, narcissistic, and terribly self-centered… "

"You aren't only this! You are much more!" Rhaegal exclaimed. "We have been able to maintain a strong bond of brotherly love…but just because you created it! Haku, you have a wonderful gift for being a dragon, and that is the determination to protect family! No other dragon can ha! We all loved each other, but we would have given up after the first difficulties and each of us would have gone our own way following the dragon way of life! You didn't! You didn't give up! And not only because of your intelligence! Tell me, with what logic was staying all together more convenient for you? A group is easier to notice, there is a possibility of internal dissent, you need to get much more food and water. If you had followed the right, you would have let it go, just like all of us. But you didn't! It's not true that you don't care about others! You may not be the most emotional person in the world, but you never give up when you decide you want to protect someone! You're not like our parents, Haku! So don't ever compare yourself to them again!"

Haku felt a little relieved. Even if he wasn't completely convinced, hearing those words from his brother made him happy. "In that case, stop blaming yourself for what happened. Get it into your head, it was my fault"

Rhaegal was taken aback; he opened and closed his mouth a couple of times, then sighed. "Okay. I'll try"

Haku was happy with that answer. "I'm sorry" he said. "I really messed up. I wanted to keep you safe, and instead I added a new nightmare to your nights... and that nightmare is me"

"Well, now you can work on turning into a dream" Rhaegal replied. "I admit it, I'm still a little afraid of you. But I almost lost you forever and I stayed away from you for too long. I don't want to run away anymore. I want to start over. So... what do you say? Let's build up a new us?"

Haku was dumbfounded for a moment, then smiled, and it was one of the most sincere smiles he had ever given in his life. "Let's build up a new us" he confirmed.

Rhaegal smiled back and gave him a friendly little punch on the shoulder. "It's good to have you back, brother" he said.

Haku returned that small gesture. Yeah, it was really nice to have your brother back. "So, what do you want to do now? I've been away for a while, so what have you guys planned for the future?" he asked him.

Rhaegal looked the desert on the other side of the river. "We will follow your plan. Now that you are here, nothing is keeping us here. We could leave as early as tomorrow morning. It will be a long march, but once we get to the oasis we will finally be able to stop..."

"Is that really what you want?" Haku asked interrupting him.

Rhaegal looked confused. "Sure. Why are you asking?"

"Because Darbi expressly told me that he no longer agrees with this plan. He says he is tired of running away" Haku replied. "And then, I noticed how you and Corgorin and Serengal looked at those adventurers, or how Maldor looked at that strange human. You grew fond of them, didn't you?"

Rhaegal was silent for a moment, then he sighed. "Deny it would be a lie. Yes, we grew fond of them. We certainly don't consider them friends, but the time spent with them was nice. And we're a bit sorry to leave them"

"I know. I have someone I grew fond too" Haku said referring to Misune. "And then, for some reason… I don't want to go any further with the plan. It's absurd, I made it up, and I know for a fact that it's the best route available to us… but I don't want to. I was still running away"

"Well, that's what we've been doing since we were born, after all" Rhaegal said. "But what other choice do we have?"

Haku didn't know what to answer. "That's the problem. I don't know" he admitted. "Misune, my slave, told me something about changing direction. Darbi agrees with her, and told me that there is no reason to keep looking for a safe place if we will always keep running anyway. But try as I might , I can't find a way to change direction. I keep seeing only one safe path ahead of us, and that's what we have planned. I have no idea of… how to change our direction"

Rhaegal was silent for a moment, then he said: "Even I am tired of running away. During this year I have seen many things in the realm of humans. This world is large and extraordinary, so incredibly large and extraordinary, and I want to explore it. But I know this could cost us our lives. I also don't see a way to change direction". He scratched his head. "Perhaps we should talk to Darbi about it, since he agrees. Our brother acts like a simpleton ninety percent of the time... but sometimes he can see things further than us"

Haku giggled and nodded. It was true: sometimes Darbi could come up with the right words to guide them. Though he didn't mess it up often, his brother could be very wise indeed. Sometimes. "Yes, it's a good idea. Let's go talk to Darbi"