Akaashi 1

I tried to suppress my sobs as the sound of the rain tattooed on the roof while Bokuto- san's heartily laughed could be heard from the living room while talking to someone on the phone.

It is painful to hear those laughs of his that I never once heard when we started dating. Or rather say, I can never make him laugh that way because I was the one who took that away from him.

"See you tomorrow, Yukie. I miss you." He softly whispered when he entered our room, breaking my heart into a thousand pieces when he said those three words to her.

It is a good thing that I am facing the wall because I know that I can not bear to see his fond expression while saying those words to hear from the other line. I know that it will make me want to end my life if I see those loving eyes of his while talking to her.

To the person who owns his heart.

I bet he has that tender look on his face while thinking of her. And while talking to her just like before, I bet his eyes glistened with love once more. Unlike when he is with me, where I can only see him laugh when we are with our friends, he only acts he cared for me when we are not alone. Or rather say, he acts that way because our friends thought that we are happy. That we are together because we are in love, even though we are not.

I am just the one in love.

He stayed because I keep on begging him not to leave every time we fight since we started dating. He stayed because I was there when he was suffering when the love of his life left when he still did not know what I did to his relationship. But now that he knows the truth, he stayed because he finds me pitiful. And he is scared that I will do something again to the person he truly loves.

He stayed because of her...

Because of Yukie...

Because of his only love...

He stayed not because of me.

I hold back my tears more when he laid by my side and hugged me from the back. My heart beats rapidly just because of that simple gesture of his. Just because of that, my heart swayed by him. It slowly treats this intoxicating pain in my heart, making it easy for me to breathe again.

Heaven and hell...

Extreme pain and outmost happiness...

Melancholy and Euphoria...

Or simply...

Melanphoria.

It is what I feel when I am with him. He could make me suffer from pain and relieved it with happiness with just these simple, insincere gestures of him.

'You're so fuckin' stupid, Akaashi!'

I remembered Konoha's words after he drags me from kneeling to Bokuto-san that time when Yukie came back to his life again.

A bittersweet smile formed my lips as I silently wept on Bokuto-san's arms. I know that I am being so damn stupid for keeping him like this when I already knew that he will not love me whatever I do and he will not look at me the way he looked at her. But I can not let him go.

He is my life.

I know this is wrong, but feeling his warm body like this feels right. I know that I should end this, but how?

He is my world.

Even she is his.

I can only love him.

Though he can only love her.

So, how am I going to end this melanphoric love of mine when he is the only one I want?

"Yukie...don't go," Bokuto-san murmured in his sleep that makes his warm body hugging me feel so cold. Hearing those words from him suffocates me.

I turn around and face him, tears freely flowing in my eyes as I gently touch his sleeping face with a bitter smile on my lips.

"I'm sorry Bokuto-san... for being this selfish. Just a bit more... please stay a bit longer." I softly whispered and kissed his lips lightly so that I would not wake him up and get up on our bed to go in the bathroom so I could cry there freely.

Cry this pain that is making it hard for me to breathe.

Relieving mys elf a little from the pain that is slowly...

Slowly killing me.