Die, You Suicidal Maniac

I prepare myself to walk into the cave entrance and put on a good show for patient 57. The bespectacled dragon, which I figured out was named Gabriel, gave me a choice of who I wanted to visit, but highly recommended patient 57. Patient 57 has had the longest time since his room has been challenged, so I decided that I would give him some excitement to make sure he was doing okay.

"Finally," I say, "I made it to the stupid boss room. The rest of my party died when those giant rats attacked, but I made it!"

After a moment, I realize that patient 57 is nowhere to be found. I look around and see no one in the small room. So, I guess I wasted my awesome acting.

"Hello?" My voice echoes in the cave, "Boss? Mr. Boooss. Come heeere bossy boss... no? Hmm."

With no other ideas, I start walking toward the chest. Gabriel had told me in a little briefing session that I should just focus on looting the chest and that the rest would come naturally. I have that in mind as I casually undo the latch on the chest and pop the lid up. Next thing I know, something launches out from behind the chest.

"Please!" A terrifyingly skinny man wraps his fingers around my shoulders as the bottom half of his body lays splayed over the chest, "You have to kill me. Nowwww. You have to end this."

I recoil in surprise at the sudden jack-in-the-box-like experience. The man starts shaking my shoulders and sobbing pitifully.

"Please, please, please. You don't understand what it's like. This life that I live is unbearable. I don't want to go on." He wails.

'Oh, buddy. You don't even know how much I understand.' I think. My mind is working on what I should do when a burst of pain shoots through my arm. I stare at the man as he plunges his teeth into my arm.

"Kill me!" He shouts.

Whenever I register that the psychopath has bit me, I throw him halfway across the room.

"Hey, Boss. You aren't supposed to bite people. No one will kill you if that is how you treat them. Be respectful and patient if you expect to get what you want."

As I finish speaking, I see the man get up and launch himself at me headfirst. He sails through the air like a majestic log and rams his head into my chest. I stumble back and clip the corner of the wall by the entrance.

"Okay, listen here you little psychopath." I say through my clenched teeth, "Maybe I will kill you."

"Yes! Thank you." The man dives straight forward and lands on his stomach in front of me, putting his hands on the back of his head. When he does so, I take the opportunity to step around him and dash to the chest.

"Hah! Got your chest, you loser," I throw the chest open, "Hey... what's the big idea here? How come the loot in your chest isn't half bad?"

I grab a really fancy looking dagger and put it in my waist band, thinking, 'This is so not fair! He totally got better loot in his chest than me. I am getting more and more reasons to kill this crazy guy.'

When I threw the chest open the man just turned over on his back and watched with defeat in his eyes.

"So..." He starts, "I have to go on? I can't take my own life, because I promised Ma that I never would. Never said someone else wouldn't though. Please, help me here."

I grip my sword and look at the man lying on the ground. The blood flowing out of the bite wound on my arm is urging me to take the man's head off, but he looks so pitiful. I take a moment before coming to a decision with a sigh.

"You know? You have made me so mad that I don't want you to die. You have to live just because you want so badly to die. Even though I want to kill you so badly." I say.

"That's just mean." The man complains.

I go over to the ledge in this room and take a seat like I would in my own dungeon. When I do so, I feel Gabriel's mind reach out to mine, "It is time to come back out, we have several more patients that we need you to see today. You did well, but we will move this man up to high threat and send a veteran in next."

"But I think that I can-"

"Just come on out, you did your job."

I let out a sigh and start walking toward the entrance, "See you later, buddy."

"Buddy?" He perks up when I speak, "Am I really your buddy?"

'No, you idiot. I was trying to be condescending.' I think, trying to contain my sarcasm.

"Sure, we are buddies. We are more alike than you realize. I'll make sure I come back to loot this dungeon next time I'm in town."

"You didn't even take the loot."

"Oh, right."

I grab the rest of the equipment from the chest and walk out.

"I'll be seeing you," I say as I walk out.

Just as when I walked out of my cave for the first time, when I walk out of patient 57's cave I am teleported straight to Gabriels's office. This time the giant lizard is drinking from a large wooden bowl. I wonder what dragons drink aside from water.

"Where to next?" I shout.

Gabriel lowers the bowl and turns his head to regard me with one eye before connecting our minds. "The ones in the most need are patient 29 and 82. It would be best if you chose to visit either of their caves."

"Will you please give me some sort of rundown on the person inside so that I don't end up with another psycho taking a chunk out of my arm?"

"I can make no guarantees as far as the biting goes, but I can provide you with a description of the patients. Patient 29 is a young boy, about ten years old that lost his family when bandits raided his house. In the past, he hasn't shown any aggression and is listless whenever a challenger enters his room. Patient 82 is a female in her twenties. As far as we were able to determine, she wants to die, because she missed a sale at the market and wasn't able to get enough food for her family. They seem to be alive, but she is ashamed of her failure."

"Hmm. Maybe I should have chosen before I got the description. That makes choosing so much harder. I'll go with patient 82 and let the veterans help patient 29."

"You got it. Right down that hall." He points me down a hallway and I walk until I find room 82.

"Here we go." I say as I push myself into the room.

"You are here to ridicule me too, aren't you?" A small black-haired woman sits on the chest in the middle of the room. "I know I failed my family, but why have you come to mock me? Why does it matter to you?"

"I... haven't come to mock you. I just want the treasure."

"Oh. I see. You don't even care that I exist. You just want the treasure that I am sitting on. I am nothing more to you than a treasure warmer."

'That is exactly it, yup. Not that I can say that," I think.

"Why don't you go back to your family?" I ask.

"What!? I could never go back. Not after how I failed them."

"Whatever," I walk toward the chest, "I am taking that treasure."

She doesn't move as I approach. I come to a stop directly in front of the chest, and she remains seated. I wait a minute for her to move before I scoop her up and go set her on the ledge.

She puts her hand to her head in a dramatic gesture, "Oh, woe is me. I am being set aside like some trash. This never would have happened if I didn't miss the bread going on sale. I would have enough money for next month's rations and my family wouldn't have to go hungry next month."

"... wait. So, you were buying food for next month? You didn't even need the food this month?"

"No. I was tasked with bringing home next month's rations."

"Well then it's not too late." I hand her a pouch of coins that I had accrued over my time in the dungeon. "Take this and go back to your family."

The pouch hit her hands and she looks up at me, tears forming in her eyes.

"Are you serious, mister?" Tears start rolling down her cheeks, "You would really do that for me?"

I give her a pat on the head, "Go on and hurry back to your family, kid."

She bursts out in tears and takes off toward the cave's exit, disappearing out the opening.

"Now that felt good. I really helped her out." I congratulate myself and exit the cave.

"Maybe this is what I was supposed to do with my life." I wonder aloud, "I can't wait to go see Centi."