Despair Devouvers

Axel was lying in a hospital ward near the window. There were many patients in the ward room, separated only by screens between beds. 'It must have been a nightmare', Axel taught to himself. He closed his eyes, but he could still see the scene of his father lying still on the ground as if that image was imprinted into his brain. He opened his eyes to distract himself from that nightmare and noticed his mother, Lily, bawling her eyes out and holding Axel's hand like it was her only lifeline; her hands were cold and trembling.

Though he didn't know how to explain it, the mixed feelings of guilt, responsibility, pain, and compassion, they paled in comparison to what he saw. That was the first time Axel felt such a weak hand holding him, though he knew his mom all his life, witnessing her at her lowest made his world crack in on him. Lily didn't notice Axel opening his eyes. Lily cried silently, looking at the ceiling like she was praying, but it looked more like she was screaming at the heavens. Despite Axel's desperate struggle to feign ignorance, he couldn't accept what happened to his father as just a dream, seeing his mother's torn and weakened appearance hit Axel hard with the hard reality. 'F*ck! Why me? I don't deserve this damn it!' Axel felt like he was under the ocean, feeling all the water crush him from above, and he just wanted to give up on just about everything.

Axel closed his eyes and acted like he was about to regain consciousness by moving like he had a nightmare. Lily bought Axel's act; hook, line, and sinker. "At least God didn't decide to steal both of you away from me!" she whispered with a mild relief, but her words were seething with rage underneath. She walked out of the room after she took his hand and held it close to her face and kissed his hands. "Things will get better from here on, so hang in tight, Axel. I am here for you, alright?" It felt more like a statement of resolution directed at her than a comfort to Axel.

She wiped her tears away, but her eyes were too swollen to hide. She took a deep breath and left the room. Axel saw her as she was leaving. He wanted to cry; he felt that it was the only thing he could do to ease his pain; but Axel held it in. 'Maybe I should have done something to help dad out.' Axel was gritting his teeth and clenching his fist; he couldn't accept the fact that he let his father die and just stood by to be a witness. Axel let out a long sigh. 'Who am I kidding? I am way too weak to deal with those thugs. I wasn't strong enough!' Tears went down his cheek before he realized it; Axel could never accept it. Never!

Axel woke up and sat on his bed, resting back on the wall. Lily brought the doctor to his ward. Axel looked like a kid who was horrified with teary eyes after a nightmare. Lily wasn't able to stand seeing him like that. She rushed towards Axel and embraced him, she held him tight and stroked his head. "It will be alright, Axel. Trust me." She sounded and looked confident, but looking closely at her eyes, it felt more like she was going to make sure that everything was alright. Strangely enough, hearing those words made Axel feel a bit more at ease, and he hugged her back. They were like that for a bit until the doctor decided to interrupt them by mildly clearing his throat.

The doctor helped him up and guided Axel to his room. The doctor looked at his tongue and checked his pulse and his eyes. "What's your name, kid?" the doctor asked him as he was writing something on Axel's report. There was a bit of an odd silence; the doctor looked at Axel, who seemed to be struggling to speak. Axel felt like he had forgotten how to speak, and though he tried to speak out, a part of him didn't want to.

"Don't need to push yourself, kid. I know that you are more shocked and terrified than any of us, so take it easy for a while." The doctor said it with a smile on his face. Axel looked straight into the doctor's eyes; he wanted to know about what happened to his father. "Are you feeling uncomfortable anywhere?" the doctor went back to his professional tone, seeing Axel uncomfortable. Axel shook his head. Well, good then. It doesn't seem you were poisoned; you should be able to move around as usual within a day or two. Rest up till then, alright?" The doctor had the nurse guide Axel to his bed, and Lily went back to the doctor; she looked worried.

Axel looked out the window as he leaned back on the wall, just looking at the sky and the clouds moving. 'He probably went to heaven, didn't he?'

Looking at the skies dulled all the other noises, and he felt like he was the only one in the world. Slowly, Axel closed his eyes and slept, looking at the sky.

It was evening when Axel woke up again; he just looked back at the sky and sat without thinking anything for a while. Lily came to his bed, holding a loaf of bread in her hands, and sat beside him on the chair next to the bed. She tore the loaf bit by bit, gave it to Axel, till he was full and ate the rest. They ate in silence. Axel didn't want to speak because he felt like he would remember Benny's death again and couldn't stop himself from the nightmare once it started.

Once they were done eating, Axel went back to look at the sky, but it had started getting dark outside. "Let's visit your father once you can move around; you should talk to him when you can, alright?" Axel nodded in silence, still looking at the clouds and not wanting to look face-to-face with his mother; both felt comfortable that way. 'I need to visit his grave, or I won't be ever able to make peace with myself... I might not be able to keep myself from feeling like sh*t, but avoiding would make me feel even worse.' The nurse informed all the patients in the room that they were going to turn off the lights. "Sleep well…" Lily ruffled Axel's hair gently and left the room. Axel went to sleep, but he wasn't able to sleep a wink. He kept remembering Drake and his men, and how they forced his father to drink the poison.

Axel decided to take a small stroll around the hospital to keep his mind away from stuff. He heard the nurses talking in the hallway and decided to ask them where the restroom was. "Excuse me, nurse, could you tell me where the restroom is?" One of the nurses offered to take him there, so Axel followed her. "So you can talk now, huh?" the nurse looked at Axel with warm smile of comfort. "Anyway, I know I shouldn't tell you this, but I just wanted to give you a heads up." Axel was scared out of his mind. 'Did Drake make my mother drink the poison too, or am I the one poisoned? Is that why the doctor checked me today? Am I going to die?' The nurse took a deep breath." Kid, I don't think your father is going to make it out of this. Even the doctor doesn't have any idea what poison your father had drunk. I am telling you this because I think you deserve to know; keep it to yourself, alright?" 'Wait, my father is still alive? So, mom asked me to visit him on his death bed, not his grave.'

It took a bit of time for Axel to process this information. "I know it's shocking, but it would have been worse for you if you found out only after he died. Keep it a secret from your mother and the doctor, got it?" she said with a smile on her face, trying to lighten his mood.

The nurse mistook Axel's silence as him breaking down; she was flustered. She didn't want to take the blame for disclosing stressful information to the family, and especially a patient who could have developed a trauma. Axel just nodded; he was still taken aback by the shocking news of his father being alive. He went back straight to his bed after coming back. Just thinking about the sudden revelation made Axel tired. He made a wish from the bottom of his heart; he wished that his father would make it out alive. Axel stared at the night sky as he fell asleep.

Axel was taken to visit his father the next day; he looked almost well and good, except for the sad and worried look on his face. Lily was there in one of her best dresses, but Axel didn't comment on it. He held Lily's hand to steady himself, but by the time they were at the entrance, Lily was the one holding his hand, and she didn't even realize it. The only thing her eyes were set on was the doors that led her to Benny's room.

When they entered the room, they saw Benny Fletcher on the bed in a vegetative state; he was paralyzed completely below his neck. The nurse brought them two chairs for them to sit beside him. Benny looked at Axel and Lily with a warm smile; the best he could put on his face. Axel couldn't believe it was the same man whose face was desperate and full of tears when he faced Drake or the trustworthy and strong father he was used to till then.

"How long are you going to laze around this? I asked you to help me out with the garden in our backyard." Though she said it, her voice sold her out; it wasn't in the least convincing anyone, but neither Axel nor Benny showed it on their face.

"I am feeling a bit tired of that." Benny replied, knowing what he has in store for him.

He looked at Axel and smiled, but this time, though it was warm, there was a hint of regret, worry, and fear.

"Axel, how about a deal? You help out your mom, and I let you have my recipe book in return?" Axel nodded and looked away from him. Understanding the truth and accepting the truth was never the same.

"Fine… I'll help her out till you come back." Axel's voice was soft, but still, he was sincere in what he said, yet he still didn't look him in the eyes; he didn't want to listen to him, knowing it was his dying wish. 'Wow, I never knew dad could smooth talk his death wish.' Axel was impressed. It felt like a part of the pain had eased a bit. Axel forced himself to look back at his father and put up the most reassuring smile he could.

Benny was struggling to hold back his tears. 'I am proud of you son. You decide to grow a spine now of all times? I wish you can take care of your mom.' Benny wanted to cry, but the pain of the poison was bit too much to handle that. 'God, if you exist, please at least let my wife and son live happily in peace. I beg of you.'

They talked for a while about the most mundane things they could talk about; at one point, Benny started to talk about his youthful days and how he fell in love with Lily. And at that point, Axel decided to walk out. He felt heartbroken about his father, but at the same time, his head was clear now. He went and sat by a tree outside the hospital and decided to take a gaze at the sky. He had a bittersweet expression on his face. Tears streamed down his face as he looked at the sky, and he was thankful that there was no one around him; just him and the sky.

Axel woke up the next day around noon, his memories from yesterday once again flooding back in. He looked at the sky. For the few days he had been in the hospital, the sight of the skies was the only thing that calmed his soul. As Axel was soothed by the warm light and the gentle breeze of the wind, he started to wonder, 'what should I do from here on out? What can I do in the first place?' Axel was thinking of his and his mother's future. He was distracted by the doctors talking to his mother, it looked serious, so he stood up and went to the hallway to listen in.

Axel was still walking towards them, and the doctor put his hand on his mother's shoulder. The nurse patted her back with a sad expression and looked Axel's way; she was the nurse who told him about his father's condition the other day. She looked at him and gave him a smile that felt like she was trying to give him some comfort.

Axel didn't need to ask what had happened; he continued walking, but slowed his pace; his legs felt weak, and he didn't want to believe it; that it would happen so soon. He wished he had a couple of weeks or at least a few more days, it would have given him the time to face it without falling apart.

He never knew till that moment how much he relied on just the existence of Father. He had always thought that he didn't rely on anything or anyone, but he didn't expect how much his existence mattered to him. Just thinking about it being gone, how much of his life would change? How many of the things he thought were normal was he going to miss? How much is he going to regret taking those things for granted? Even if he thought it was embarrassing, he wished he could have at least hugged him to let him know he cared and cherished the time they spent together and was thankful for being there for him; he wished with regret.

Axel walked to the doctor. His mother's face was covered in tears; she didn't bother to wipe them away in front of Axel; she was too torn to even think of it. Axel found no words to say—not a single word. He tried opening his mouth, but nothing he thought was the right thing to say did not feel right.

Axel stood beside his mother, put his arm around her shoulder, and patted her gently. Axel's eyes were about to tear up, but he held it in. Seeing his mother cry her eyes out and how weak she felt, he was reminded of his father asking him to look after her. That promise he made to his father was the sole thing keeping him from falling apart. He made his best expression a smile, yet it was anything but one. He tried to sound confident, saying "Everything will be alright," but it was barely a whisper dying inside his own mouth.

Axel and Lily stood alone in front of Benny's grave with their pale and worried faces. It was an evening with a few hours left for the sun to set. A single thought crossed Axel's mind: 'How nice would it have been for all of us if we had spent the day on a picnic? We could have at least made some memories.' Yet, they stood there in front of the grave with none other than themselves to rely on; they didn't have the energy or tears left to cry or to walk back to their home without a father or a husband to rely on.

Lily stood still, just staring at the reality that she wished she could change; her legs gave out, and she fell to the ground. She caressed the edges of the grave stone like she was caressing the skin of a newborn baby. She leaned her forehead against the grave and made a bittersweet smile as drops of tears came out the corner of eyes even after she cried the whole day. She stayed that way for a bit. Axel couldn't bear to see it; he looked at the sky, the clouds moving just like any other day; he wished it would rain just then, just for him; he was desperate to cry without feeling weak and for his company. At least he could pretend that the rain drops were his tears.

Axel and Lily walked back to their home in silence. They had a loaf of bread and a glass of milk for their dinner. Neither Axel nor Lily talked to each other; they didn't utter a word. They ate, cleaned up, and went to their rooms in silence.

Axel shut the door behind him; he started sobbing and sat on the floor and leaned back at his bed; he cried till the tears stopped coming out and throat dried out. Axel laid back on the bed and looked out the window at the stars. The sight of the mundane stars lulled him to sleep; he was spent both physically and emotionally; he wanted to cry just a bit more, but he had nothing more in his body to cry with. Slowly, he went to sleep feeling as if being sunk in a bottomless sea.