126

Altera felt something unusual. Feeling something unusual was also unusual for Altera, the strangeness of which caused the strangeness of the current situation to become more and more exacerbated in Altera's head at an ever-increasing rate. As one might guess, allowing the current situation to hold would cause a failure cascade of catastrophic proportion. So to prevent such a disaster, let's start from the beginning.

Cainabel, Altera's mistress at the moment, loved to use her for various assignments. For example, when Cainabel was angry, she usually 'sparred' with Altera. Altera realized that sparring was only the bare excuse used to relieve her anger with the help of banal physical violence. Altera was also aware that communicating said information to anyone, one that she had sussed out after a few 'sparring' sessions, would only exacerbate Cainabel's angry mood.

Altera learned quickly. So, after the incident where after she relayed her findings to Cainabel, where instead of the traditional three rounds of 'spars', Cainabel continued on until she had thirty victories, she got the message. Now, she simply chose to note this information to herself, rather than share it with outsiders.

Cainabel also liked to issue simple commands to Altera that anyone could carry out. Bringing Cainabel food; holding plates; holding an open umbrella. The last example supposedly was to protect Cainabel from the light. A ridiculous notion given that they're currently indoors - how artificial lights, not even UV ones, could harm Cainabel is still a puzzle to Altera.

And so, while slowly getting used to the two types of commands that Cainabel gave her, she found herself now in quite the conundrum because of her new order.

"Alt... Altera?" - The huge monstrous colossus, Minotaurus, towered a couple of meters above Altera, making her look like a foolish child against the background of the legendary monster. Although in reality the situation was starkly the opposite, which one could easily surmise just by looking at how nervous the giant is.

What does the command 'make friends with the Minotaur' mean? Make friends... How? To what extent? What in this particular case did Altera need to understand by friendship?

Altera was a mechanical creature, or at least very close to such a definition, so the execution of clear and concrete commands she could accomplish dutifully and perfectly. However, the command to become a 'friend' to the Minotaur was anything but clear. Not at all.

Altera didn't even know where to begin, how do people become friends? Altera was troubled trying to understand such an alien concept. What's worse, other than the fact she doesn't even know where to begin 'befriending' the Minotaur, is that her mission didn't have any clear parameters of success. How does one determine whether or not someone is a 'friend'?

Master, Ainz… Was he a friend? Maybe. In the first place, in order to complete her mission, it was necessary to define what friendship is. It is very likely that some of the people in Chaldea and the Servants considered Ainz a friend, so how exactly did he become one?

Was Doctor Roman considered a friend of Olga-Marie? Was Da Vinci considered Ainz's friend? Was Medusa considered Da Vinci's friend?

As Altera pondered on how she would accomplish her mission, she continued to glare at Asterios. The invisible pressure exerted by Altera's unblinking eyes forced the giant to shift his gaze nervously. First at his surroundings then at himself, as if looking for something strange that had attracted Altera's ire. The domineering giant right now looked nothing more like a boy standing in front of the gaze of an attentive adult. A sight so strange that it would have caused significant confusion for an outside observer.

Altera tried to imagine what form of friendship Cainabel had in mind. Did she need to save Asterios' life? Perhaps, according to some research materials, does she need to enter into a romantic relationship with him and then end it, becoming friends that way? Or perhaps according to that very thin book she needed to learn how to make cocoa, and then go hiking with him in the mountains?

Altera did not understand a single iota of what she had to do right now. So much confusion is cluttering Altera's mind that determining which of the two, Asterios or Altera, now felt more confused would be a tough work even for Da Vinci.

Altera released a slow sigh.

In the Singularity, what Chaldea now called Septem, she had several subordinates who perhaps could be categorized as her 'friends'. So perhaps she had to replicate the conditions present in that Singularity to befriend Asterios?.

Finding a promising lead, Altera then began to recall and encapsulate the circumstances present in the Singularity. First, a united front against an enemy. Maybe she could ask the other Servants for help? Second, a doomed fight against an overwhelmingly strong enemy. With Cainabel around, Altera was very confident that she could replicate this part faultlessly. And lastly, to make sure that they would become friends, for all the Servants to die one by one. Preferably, leaving Asterios and herself for last.

Does this mean that now Altera needed to become the commander of Asterios, and then create conditions for a doomed battle and remain standing next to him? While very promising, without the Master to give permission, Altera doubted that her plans would go anywhere. So with a heavy heart, Altera decided to scrap the plan. She doubts that her Mistress would be patient enough to wait.

"Hmm…" Finally, under Altera's unblinking gaze, Asterios became so nervous that he began to shift from foot to foot. Quite the comedic thing to see. "A... A-altera?"

Altera nodded to herself. It seems that there were no trump cards in her sleeve, so all she had to do was learn from her own bitter experience and march forward.

"Asterios" Altera threw a piercing glare at Asterios, which made the three-meter minotaur flinch and stretch out to his full height, - "Y-yes?"

"How can I become your friend?" Left with no option, Altera simply barged forwards. After which all she was left to do was wait for the giant's answer.

"O... kay", - Asterios smiled at Altera's spontaneity and request, the lonely giant would love nothing more than having more friends. Though, because of his scary appearance and his prodigious size, the kindly smile of the giant looked more like a mad grin of a beast rather than the simple happiness of a child that it is. The frown that came soon after though, would be scary to anyone. "But... I... I don't know... How…"

Altera blinked. It seems that she has struck another roadblock.

The prospect that the task ahead of her was insurmountable, was so shocking that Altera's thought process halted for a few seconds. And given the nature of Altera, it was more like a short circuit occurred inside the electrical circuits of a computer, causing the computer to blue-screen.

Booting back up, Altera slowly looked up at Asterios, assessing the way he smiled at her. His grin looked ominous, but with a fair amount of certainty, Altera could still determine that it was still more a smile than an ominous sign of threat.

"Okay, then…" - Altera picked up the words slowly, as she uttered the phrase, completing that in her head, - "What do your friends usually do?"

Asterios blinked, then became deep in thought, frowning scarily all the while.

Altera was new to making friends, Asterios too. The awkwardness of the situation was physically palpable.

"What do you usually do?" Having determined, after ten seconds of silence, that Asterios could not find the right answer to Altera's question, she decided that they should at least be doing something rather than just standing around doing nothing.

Asterios, having heard the question, was able to relax his face somewhat, after which he smiled at Altera, - "Cookies!"

Altera blinked, seeing no problem with that train of logic, nodded slowly. "Cookies."

The monstrous figure of a minotaur moving through the spacious corridors of Chaldea, nevertheless seemed terribly cramped in comparison with him. The looming figure of a Minotaur skulking around the labyrinthian maze of corridors that is Chaldea would have scared anyone unlucky enough to cross its path. But, if they actually knew exactly where the monster was moving towards - and for what purpose. Many people would reconsider their attitude towards the scary Servant.

The shadow of the huge Servant that darkened the entrance of the kitchen, loomed over several tables at once. Anyone who could be in the kitchen right now would probably feel horror from the approach of the titanic figure. However, the kitchen, like the dining room, was empty. At three o'clock in the morning, however, such a thing should be expected. Even Archer, who, according to Altera's gathered information, lived in the kitchen, was not present.

Altera glanced around the kitchen just in case, trying to determine if there was anyone else in the kitchen. However, finding no one, she was forced to admit that the room was really empty, and then went ahead to the nearest refrigerator.

Inside the refrigerator, unfortunately, Altera did not find anything resembling a cookie. After which she was forced to conclude that the current plan for conducting normal friendly social activities was not possible.

"No... cookies…" Turning to Asterios, Altera was able to see the happiness on his face, instantly turning into sadness. With some correction for the threatening face of the Berserker.

Altera nodded. "Yes."

"Sad…" - Asterios sighed, then shook his head in disappointment.

Altera blinked, then looked at Asterios carefully, - "I can make it."

"Hmm?" Slowly lifting his downcast face, Asterios looked up at Altera.

"According to my database, cooking is a rather friendly action.", - Altera looked up at Asterios, and then added just in case. "I can make you cookies."

Thinking about it for a second, Asterios slowly nodded. Although the action looked reluctant, the giant was unable to hold back his spreading smile. - "Good."

Altera nodded mechanically before moving her gaze to the 'slab' in front of her.

As the perfect computer in Servant form, Altera could successfully wage war against multiple nations at once. Cooking couldn't be too much of an obstacle for her.

After all, it wasn't that hard, was it?

The recipe book was opened for Altera's perusal, causing Altera to frown as she took the necessary steps to make the cookies.

Add butter and sugar together… Altera has to decide about the ingredient proportions.

Asterios, as far as Altera herself could judge, has a psychological portrait corresponding to a child not much older than five years old, and therefore had to love sweet things. Overly sweet things at that, according to an adult. Therefore, Altera did not think about it more, and added five hundred grams of sugar to the one hundred grams of butter. Sweetness was a child's preferred flavor, so it follows that a child would like the extra sweet biscuits more. In addition, sugar would caramelize at high temperatures, which should have improved the taste of baked goods.

Next, to add the egg and beat until smooth.

Unfortunately, Altera didn't know where the mixer was in the kitchen, but all she needed was an object rotating rapidly in the center of mass, hmm...

A moment later, Altera held out her hand, letting her blade appear in her palm. She then drove the point into the center of the future cookie. Now all she had to do was spin the blade...

After another moment, the Servant's power showed itself in all its glory, the blade spinning at an incredulous rate. The egg, sugar, and butter mixture made a rasping sound, reaching a rotational speed that was completely not expected by the manufacturer.

According to Altera's thought, the mass should be the most homogeneous, therefore the rotation speed should be the highest, and the process itself needed to be rather long to guarantee a perfectly homogeneous mass. A little bit of heat is also needed, that at the very least, is very easy to do with the Sword of Mars.

Twelve minutes later, after releasing a bit of Photon Ray, the mixture has achieved an absolutely liquid homogeneous mass. Also, due to the transferred energy, part of the liquid was ready to go into a state of vapor, so Altera stopped. As the mixture slowly stopped spinning, Altera looked at the next instruction.

A spoonful of baking soda and a bit of salt...

Altera paused to consider the instruction. What is 'a bit'? A bit of what? Maybe they meant a 'bit'? Though how to convert a byte of data to grams is a bit confusing.

Altera turned her gaze to Asterios, who was watching Altera cook in fascination, and then looked up.

Enough sugar should have caramelized and turned to caramel, salted caramel was a common delicacy that children liked. Ergo, she should make salted caramel. So, to keep the proportions equal, Altera added as much salt as she had added sugar - five hundred grams. There, perfectly balanced, as all things should be.

Next is to add baking soda and flour… With this step, Altera had no problems as the step included exact measurements. After making a short calculation about the molecular masses of the flour, Altera carefully counted the grains of flour to make it exactly two hundred grams. Next all Altera needed to do was grab the most average of tablespoons and make the baking soda perfectly level inside the spoon, before adding it to the mixing bowl.

Altera referenced the recipe for a second. Next, mix until smooth… The Sword of mars began to spin again.

After another second, the mixing bowl made another plaintive protest, as the dough inside it began spinning from zero to about forty thousand rotations per minute. Only centrifugal force, which instantly pressed the dough into the walls of the mixing bowl, prevented the dough from flying into space.

This time, Altera was satisfied with just ten minutes of thorough mixing, looking at the absolutely homogeneous liquid in front of her.

The next step is to add cut chocolate and to the dough...

Altera glanced at the large bar of chocolate in front of her. Unfortunately, the instructions did not indicate the required size of the chocolate pieces... However, judging by the previous points, most likely they had to be as small as possible in order to become a homogeneous mass in the future.

After another moment, Altera reached out for the chocolate - and then to the knife - and with a speed beyond which it was impossible to follow the human eye, she turned four chocolate bars into dust. Dust that instantly dissolves into the slurry that is the dough. A perfect cookie dough, homogenous, tasty, and perfectly balanced. Now with the added chocolate the dough is complete.

Hmm, almost finished! Now it was only necessary to put it on a baking sheet and bake the dough for ten minutes...

Altera glanced at the liquid dough, then nodded. Judging by the uniformity she had achieved during mixing and the fact that the dough, being in liquid form, would absorb heat even more readily due to the increased surface area. So, after calculating the cooking time needed, the liquid dough did not need ten minutes, and instead only needed approximately five minutes of baking. Altera nodded to herself, satisfied with her calculations, then put the whole mixing bowl in the oven.

Indeed, cooking was pretty easy.

Asterios watched in amazement as Altera took out the cooked biscuits from the oven.

Or at least it should have been a cookie...

Archer usually looked disapprovingly at Asterios when he came to fetch his cookies, as Asterios could, given his weight and age, consume three or four full baking trays in one go. However, still taking on the responsibility of cooking for several overly voracious Servants, each time Archer gave Asterios at least a few cookies.

However, what Archer produced looked like a cookie. It was delicious, baked and with chocolate chips. And more importantly, it looked like a normal cookie. Somewhat small, round, brown, and studded with chocolate chips.

Asterios blinked at the 'cookie' in front of him.

What he saw looked more like an unhealthy experiment of a dark magician than the dessert that a child might like.

The dark brown slurry with the consistency of mashed potatoes smelt of burnt sugar and salt with such an intensity that a more sensitive person would most likely say goodbye to their breakfast from just one whiff from the ungodly smell. Archer, most likely, would have instantly died of a heart attack if he had seen the monstrosity that came out from his oven. If, of course, they deemed it to be something that came about because of cooking, rather than the eldritch sacrifice that it more resembles.

The semi-liquid 'cookie' shuddered as Altera turned the mixing bowl over. Horrifically, the semi-liquid mass refused to come out of the mixing bowl, jiggling around like the tentacle of an eldritch god as Altera shook the bowl back and forth to loosen it up. Then with a slap the 'cookie began to ooze out of the bowl. With the sound of pure horror and disgust embodied, the resulting mass flopped onto the plate.

A second later, Altera took a step back, staring unemotionally at the resulting dish, before nodding to herself and taking a step, picking up the spoon that she handed Asterios after a moment.

"Please enjoy." Altera nodded towards the slimy mass. - "Cookies."

Asterios looked at the burbling eldritch ooze slowly. If Ainz were here, he might even mistake it for his friend Herohero.

Yes, Asterios was... Not very smart. Maybe and uncharitable person might call him even stupid and very childish. But even he could understand that what is in front of him was not a cookie.

The slimy mass continued to slowly shudder from the passage of the wind, It shudders and twitches periodically as if it was a living organism, cursed to a terrible eternal torment. At the very least it did not at all look like a tasty dish.

Asterios swallowed his saliva, and not because of his appetite. Still, it was something that Altera had worked very hard on. So, making a stern expression on his face, he stabbed the spoon into the slippery mass, and, having courageously steeled his determination, like a real hero, he heroically tasted the portion.

It was a mistake. One of the greatest mistakes in Asterios' life.

Burnt salt perfectly balanced with the burnt sugar in the form of semi-liquid jelly was most likely not just the worst dish Asterios had ever tasted - but perhaps the worst sensation he had ever experienced in his life. The loss of his hands in his battle with the Demon King was less painful and disgusting than what is on his tongue. This was probably the worst thing that Asterios tried in his life - and the worst thing that he will ever try in the future.

A normal person, most likely, would not even be able to truly appreciate the horror. The horrid taste of the created dish was so great that it even surpassed the taste buds of an ordinary person. Like comparing the darkness of a dark room with the total darkness that is a black hole. A normal person could not truly appreciate the difference, but a Servant can. Not that a normal person would last long enough to appreciate the difference anyway, they would immediately pass out due to the shock Altera's creation would put on their system.

In this case, it could be said that Asterios was completely unhappy with his endurance as a Servant.

There was not a single redeeming factor in the dish. Everything, absolutely everything that makes food, food, could only be assessed as a 'catastrophic mistake'.

Asterios felt that all of him opposed his actions, but, clenching his teeth till his gums bleed , feeling his body reaching the very brink of his capabilities, he slowly forced himself to swallow the mass and… Give a compliment.

"Very... Tasty…" - Asterios slowly smiled the most strained and tortured of smiles that he ever created on his face.

"You're lying. That is obvious." Altera's response was cold and unemotional, - "I can see from your face that this dish is the most unsuitable for your preferences. In that case, I will throw it out."

"No!" -However, contrary to the logical conclusion of Altera's instructions, Asterios grabbed the most terrible dish that was possible to present to humanity as if he was ready to protect it to the last drop of his blood. - "This... Very! Delicious!"

Altera's gaze continued to drill Asterios' eyes before blinking, "Asterios, I was able to notice four vomiting urges that you suppressed. This is the disgusting result of bad cooking."

"No!" - Asterios grabbed the dish, as if protecting it from any encroachments, - "Friend... Made ... This! My! Friend!"

Altera blinked before clarifying, just in case, "No, I did it. You saw that I did it."

"But... You… Friend!" Asterios shouted at Altera, making her blink in confusion.

"Am I your friend?" Altera blinked, and then began explaining what to her, was something very obvious and logical. "But I didn't do anything friendly. The first of the possible friendly actions, cooking, turned out to be a failure. That means there is no logical reason for you to consider me a friend…"

"No!" - Asterios' head buzzed a little as he tried his best to repudiate Altera's words. He was not used to all these long, complex phrases, but, like any child, he was able to isolate the most important information, and convey it. - "You tried! Friend!"

Slowly Altera blinked, - "However, the result was a failure…"

"You - tried!" - Asterios pointed a finger at Altera, as if their roles had instantly changed with each other and now it was he who was trying to explain to her something obvious and simple. - "So Delicious! And means… Friend!"

Altera blinked again, confused.

It is illogical. Friendly relations were established as a result of shared events, marked by positive dynamics of social interaction... This interaction was a failure in terms of the result, which means...

Altera let out a breath and shook her head, "In that case, then you should give your friend back the cookies. This will be a friendly action."

"No!" After that, Asterios instantly grabbed the whole bowl and Altera saw for a moment determination in the eyes of the Minotaur - if not doom. As if the one who made the most difficult decision in his life is not a boy, but a man who is ready to sacrifice himself - "Too... Delicious!"

Then he drained the whole slimy concoction in one gulp.

"Altera", - Cainabel glared at Altera, trying to find a suitable phrase to illustrate her ire. But, Altera's face looked so defeated, however, that Cainabel did not even try to come up with caustic sarcasm or irony. Instead, she chose the path to figure out what had happened, - "Why... Why did you try to kill Asterios?"

"I didn't do such a thing." Altera nodded slowly. "I tried to become friends with him by cooking. That is one of the possible ways, as far as I know…"

Slowly, Cainabel looked at Altera, then exhaled. A sigh so long and drawn out that Altera did not have a single shadow of doubt that the only reason that she was still alive was Cainabel's fear of accidentally destroying half of Chaldea if she were to fight Altera...

"The human body contains approximately one hundred fifty to three hundred grams of salt." Slowly, Cainabel explained what Altera had done. "Considering the mass of the Minotaur, he perhaps has a half a kilogram of salt in his body. The healthy daily rate of salt consumption is about six grams per day. Considering his size - even if you increase the volume to twenty grams per day… You have somehow added his monthly salt intake to one dish and made him eat it. Tell me, Altera, how amazing is your mind really working, if you decided it would be a good idea?"

"Salted caramel…" - Altera tried to speak about the theoretical background of her gastronomic research.

"Shut the fuck up." Cainabel breathed out slowly. - "Just shut the fuck up. I order you to shut the fuck up so hard that Ainz in the Singularity heard how much you shut up."

Altera, not entirely sure of the wording of what was said, nevertheless chose to shut up.

"I must admit, I am surprised.", - Cainabel grunted. - "No, I'm amazed, even... You have invented the strangest and most unorthodox method of destroying a Servant, through electrolyte imbalance of all things... Medea, Mozart and even Roman had to combine their best efforts to stabilize the state of the Minotaurus, and only the absolute sturdiness and impenetrable mental retardation of this creature at the moment that makes him sincerely feel sorry for you. His failed killer."

Cainabel breathed out. "I want to give you a pat on the head for your creativity. Indeed, I do. Up to this point, I suspected the wretchedness of your intellect, but what I see in front of me overcomes all the boundaries of logic and consciousness." Cainabel began messaging the bridge of her nose as a headache began to slowly grow.

"Moreover, I am absolutely sure that you did not do this on purpose in order to sabotage my plan, since I'm pretty sure thinking of doing something so complex would blow your brains out. And furthermore, even the most insane and mindless idea of sabotage could not possibly take the form of the stupidity that had just occurred… I… I am somewhat delighted, Altera. Your actions went beyond simple stupidity - and moved into the area of schizophasia delirium. I... I just have no idea how I should react to this…"

After waiting a few seconds, in order to finally determine the unwillingness of Cainabel to continue her monologue, Altera decided to express her thought, - "I need to learn how to cook."

"Sure," Cainabel replied so calmly, as if everything she said was self-evident, that for a moment Altera felt creepy.

She expected Cainabel to scream, hit the walls, threaten her with physical harm, do whatever she wanted, but not be so calm. It was just... Creepy.

"And…" - however, Altera, feeling a surge of incredible strength, exhaled, - "His name is Asterios. Not the Minotaurus."

"Okay", - Cainabel nodded calmly, -" Now you can go."

Altera nodded before speaking again, "I would like to…"

"You can go." Cainabel repeated what she said slowly, syllable by syllable, without changing the calm, serene expression on her face.

Altera, sensing more than a clear danger in the girl's calm words, nodded, then rose from her seat, and then quickly walked away.

Cainabel was left alone, breathing slowly. She was calm right now. So calm that there was absolutely no reason to burn Chaldea to the ground. There was no reason to tear Altera apart. There was no reason for Baal, that asshole, to appear in front of her right now...

"Oh, Cainabel, my dear friend!" - Baal's voice echoed through the open door, "And I've been looking for you for so long! Do you want a cookie?"

Thus Chaldea lost two of its twelve corps in one minute, and Baal lost two legs and one arm for several hours.

However, no matter how much time has passed since that moment, Baal continued to believe that what happened was really worth it.

Skill: Scourge of God

Skill level: 80

The ability to always find the weak points in the enemy's actions and to inflict the most significant damage when taking advantage of these weak points. Or, in other words, a skill that increases the probability of a critical hit that ignores the enemy's armor and defense if the enemy fails to defend themselves from this skill. Undoubtedly, a useful skill, although not particularly unique. Is more a skill of a commander rather than a fighter, since it does not cause direct damage, but only increases the chance of triggering additional critical hits for the whole party.