Chapter 3- Last and late

Mashal-The Light

Thirty nine, that’s how old my mom was when she conceived her fifth and last child, me. It was more of a shock than a surprise. Being the eldest daughter in law in the family, she had earned the place as the head home maker, semi reluctantly and inevitably having to fill the void and take over the responsibility that my grandmother left. I never stumbled upon the details, but I do know it was a fateful night in the Karachi winters when my parents had snuggled a bit too close and nine months later, I was the result. I was this adorable, round faced, pink and pouty lipped baby with almost a perfect dimple on my left cheek. I had big eyes and two rabbit-like wide teeth which showed if I smiled. Dotted by my much much older 2 siblings and everyone else (who neither expected me nor wished me to be born), I soon became the centre of attention.The credit is undue if I entirely take it, it was also as a result of my 15 days younger cousin, who was the total opposite of me. A colic child, who cried for hours, soon I got the VIP treatment and a childless couple in extended family even approached my parents to let them adopt me.

As years passed, I grew up and befriended Mona, I realised I had been living under a rock all this time. Subconsciously I envied what she had, or rather, since envy was a word a bit alien then, I craved for what she had. Paternal grandparents alive (I never even saw mine) and quite a young active pair of parents. So do the maths. By the time I turned 12, my mom was nearly 52 but Mona's was only 39. Anytime I acted out, I heard the classic statement, "don't hurt your parents, they are growing old."

Eventually I became rebellious, or secretly pushed boundaries for myself. My sister was brought up by a younger version of my parents and so was my brother, when they were teenagers. Always labelled as the ‘latecomer’ , I felt utterly deprived when all my friends around me had mothers who were present in their thick and thin. I on the contrary had no one to even give me ‘THE talk’.

At 13, when after a tired day of celebrating Eid I went to the bathroom, I saw a blood red lining on my undies, and I closed my eyes in half relief and half panic. The relief was due to the fact that all my friends had ‘grown up’ before me, finally I could join their ranks. The panic however, was how would I explain to my mom that I knew much about my body and the whole process of reproduction. My school health seminars and older friends circle gossip had prepared me enough to expect my 1st cycle and eventually understand why I had very early body cravings to be hugged and cuddled.

That was one of the first and probably the biggest indications of how my future would be. But naive as I was, I hadn't really paid any attention to it. Sexual desires and orientations were terms far far away from my vocabulary or understanding at that point.

Needless to say they were reminded, in subtle ways, after that August phone call with Umar. The more I convinced him that boys and girls can be friends, the more unconvinced I became about his stance in my eyes. Why was I talking to him? Was he like my brother? Was he a friend? The more I tried to understand my own feelings, the more lost I felt. Ofcourse, I knew that one conversation was not the last but certainly began a series of more late night ones. Trouble was only beginning.

I tried explaining to my mother. I had heard a quotation of the wise Companion Ali of Prophet Muhammed (P.B.U.H), the central idea of which is, 'If you have to hide a deed from everyone, that's when you know it's not the right deed.'

I was persistent to prove to myself (more than anyone else) that Umar was only a brother-like-friend (IF someone like that even exists). So I did the stupidest thing and told my fifty-something conservative mother about the fact that I was having regular phone conversations on a variety of topics with a 16 yr old. HA! WHAT A LAUGH!

She being a woman of maturity knew straightaway where it would head. She forbade the phone calls (giving a very meek explanation of the hefty phone bill) and persuaded me to keep all the talk face to face. Smart move I must say! She knew face to face we wouldn’t talk about anything inappropriate, in the presence of people around us as meeting in private was unthought of. But what my aged mother had underestimated were the laws of attraction, as in the case of a 16 year old boy and an almost 14 year old female. She had overlooked the possibility of him wooing and charming his way into my heart and mind quicker in person.

So for the next few weeks of September, I got busy with my Midterm examination of VIII grade and Umar's existence was casted aside momentarily, but never forgotten.

Now there’s this thing about Geminians I have

concluded….They seem to be happy on their own, and most of the time they are even, but they don’t ever let you forget them completely, like my mother, like him. What an irony, I would soon learn that both the most important people in my life back then would be soon pulling me apart limb by limb.

He soon became impatient and sure enough came a phone call that meant more like an assignment’s deadline. 1st oct. 2002; he set the date when he wanted a clear answer from me. I innocently asked, ‘’ Answer for what? ‘’. He just replied, ‘’ You aren’t my sister, you never were, you never will be. And I have enough friends. So will you be 'that'? "

Back in the day the word ‘that’ implied a bunch of things, basically it meant differently for different people. For ‘playboys’ it meant they would try to touch you inappropriately (by 13 even as a Pakistani kid I had learnt that men and women have sexual relations-older friends’ circle remember!) For nerds it simply meant their ride or die in a hush hush way. For people like us, like me, it means you have a boyfriend and you are his girlfriend and ALL the other boys in the neighbourhood CANNOT even look at you, that you are taken!

I already knew my answer, but like a good typically brought up South Asian girl I told him I needed time to think. And boy did I think? NOPE! I just giggled and clutched my knees closer to my chest at night before sleeping. I had spoken about him to a couple of my friends at school wanting to hear their take on it. Initially both had just laughed and brushed off the idea but over the weeks following mid August, they realised I was quite serious about him, about us taking our relation forward, I was talking about the future, beyond graduating high school and stuff. I eventually succeeded in getting their blessing and then finally arrived the morning of my last paper on the first day of October. We were going to go for lunch at another classmate’s place to celebrate the end of our examinations and I was to call him at 3 pm from my friend’s place and say a simple yes or no. I could talk later that night for hours to explain my answer (if I needed to). So i prayed Zuhr, the afternoon prayer, we all dressed up for lunch and just as we were about to head out, I went to my friend’s mom and cutely asked, ‘’ Aunty can I make a quick call and tell mummy that we are going to Mcdonalds for lunch?’’ ‘’Sure, beta’’ and that was my green signal, for a private moment with the landline while my other six friends started departing the door.

Umar, he was rich and spoiled back then too! He had his very own personal cell phone which was a HUGE deal at that time. It had been his sweet 16 gift from his uncle in June the same year. In those days, since calling on a cell number was an additional charge, some people locked the zero digit in the start, in the dial buttons of the phone (as all mobile numbers begin with a code of 0). ‘’Allah please please aunty doesn’t have a lock on her zero please!’’ and Allah is All Merciful isn’t He?! The buttons dialed smoothly and the line began to ring.

‘’Hellooo’’ , the voice that weakened my knees (I thought I might get osteoporosis at that rate). By then Umar had understood that an unknown landline or cell number calling him was mostly always me, sneaking someone’s phone for a quick chat. ‘’ hello, you wanted an answer right?’’ I asked.

‘’ Uh, yes I was waiting, it's almost 3.’’

I gulped, closed my eyes and answered one of the easiest questions in my life, ‘’Yes, the answer is yes!’’