12.The Memories we live for

Tyland Lannister POV

I was sitting on the balcony staring at the stars in the sky. Life had somewhat moved on. Lady Genna had been here for some time now. She had started taking care of Cersei, Jamie and Tyrion. I had also started to get better. I had a theory about why I had those nightmares. They were far too frequent and consistent to be normal, but it was just that a theory.

Lady Genna had started teaching me the cello. It was something my mother played often. I had thought that father would stop me but against all ofd he did not. My life was monotonous. Wake up. Train. Check my businesses. Sleep. Repeat. But I had gotten myself into a rhythm.

There was a knock on the door. After I beckoned them in. Lady Genna entered the room. She was as graceful as always. I had met her when I was a child. She was mother to Lancel. He was three and had just started forming his words.

"Why are you up so late Tyland?" she asked, probably fearing about my insomniac nights.

"Its nothing, I was just enjoying the silence." I replied half truthfully.

She smiled," it is quite peaceful, you do resemble her in more than one ways you know."

Both of us were silent, then she asked me, " Have you gone to see Cersei and Jamie."

"Yes, a couple of times."

"Have you talked to them," she asked with some concern.

"No. What am I to say?"

Her expression turned a bit sour but then she said,

"Your mother said that you would often spend days with them, playing and teaching. Why have you stopped? After all they need you now more than ever."

She was right. We both knew it. Yet, I was perhaps wallowing in my despair from being unable to save mother. Guilty. Yes I felt guilty.

"You know, I have seem that you kind of blame yourself for her death. What I don't understand is why." Her voice showing her curiosity.

I stopped. She had seen through my emotions. What could I say. What did I even want to say. Should I tell her. No. This was a highly ancient society that would deny and get rid of something than understand it.

"Hmmm. Let me ask you something. What if you could, hypothetically, save someone's life then that very person died wouldn't you blame yourself?"

She looked at me for a second before she burst into small laughter. She got up, came up to me and then hugged me, her warmth reminding of a someone similar, yet not amongst us.

"You silly child. She had mentioned it, but this was more hilarious than I thought."

I was a bit angry, I had shared something quite personal with her, yet she was laughing.

" You are brilliant Tyland and special. Did you think of her as a fool. She had always known that you had some secrets to yourself. You did not mention them so she never asked, but that never meant that she could not see the truth. You may be special but you often forget one important thing."

She pushed and looked me straight in the eye,

"You are still a child. Perhaps you would have been successful, perhaps your knowledge could have helped her, but at your life's cost she would have rather killed herself."

I was at a loss for words. I did not know what to say. A secret I had kept hidden for 8 years was nothing but an open secret. She had always known yet she cared for me nonetheless treated me as a child. I was too caught up in growing up and forgot to be a child, yet she remembered it for me.

Lady Genna had rueful smile on her lips,

"Fate is cruel, it often tests by taking our most precious people before their time we can either spend our time by cursing life itself or living our life and remembering them for what they wished for us to become. "

I listened to her and then hugged her thanking me for setting me straight. I had a new life I could not vail on, I would live and change things for the better I didn't care about fate or destiny, those things were way beyond me, what mattered was family. I had family and I knew the things that destroyed them. I could save them and that was what I was gonna do. Fate, Destiny and Gods could go screw themselves